(no subject)

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Title: Because Nick Wanted You
Author: Bry
Fandom and Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: NC-17
Claim & Prompt: baby; epiphany (wordclaim50)
Notes: Again, this is only a version of them--a possibility, not my ultimate perception (or preference). And, this is one of those stories that will only use the word 'baby' as opposed to making it a sort of theme. Also, you're not supposed to like what ends up happening in this story, but that doesn't mean you can't like the story itself.
Summary: Things are never as they seem, especially when you're not trying to see anything else. (set early season 3)

The privileged ones, Nick wanted.

You hadn’t seen them all—or any, really—but you knew that’s how Nick worked. Nick was special, and he knew it without arrogance. He seemed oblivious to it, actually, yet knew exactly how to capture his prey. How to charm and seduce them, before even he became aware of it.

He liked to touch you. To subtly slide his hand up your arm or hold your chest as he spoke to you. Friendly, of course. At first anyway, until the winks and smiles and pet names—affectionate names—came. Sure, others had their ‘special’ names bestowed upon them in Nick’s playfulness, but not like yours. Never like yours.

And you became enchanted—captivated—like all the others. You tried to hide it. Tried to toss out witty anecdotes without blushing in response to Nick’s brilliantly supportive smiles. Tried not to shudder and gasp, eyelids fluttering as you’d surrender, whenever Nick touched you. Instead, you only shivered. Always shivered. This tingle trickled into the depths of you, always lingering with subtle, trembling chills long after Nick had left you.

He liked you, and you knew that. He spoke to you and asked about you and listened to you. You told him everything—anything to keep him talking to you, to keep him interested in you. Every second was silently thrilling. He was like a drug you couldn’t get enough of. His touch, his smile, his eyes, his fucking smell—all so intoxicating. And oh, there was his warmth—that comforting aura that radiated from him whenenever he stood so, so close to you.

He wanted to know more of you, too. He took you out sometimes after work. Sure, often times Warrick came along too, but Nick always made sure you were a part of things. He always sat next to you and made sure you were there. And you just felt so damn special. Like you were, finally, almost as cool as Nick was. Because there you were, practically his equal. Even though you didn’t really want to be that equal. At least not there. You wanted him to touch you and take and you and, fuck, do anything to you. But you were quiet about it, and stayed that way, jacking off to him every chance you got.

Until he brought you home. Just for a movie, of course. He sat with you and laughed with you, and his arm rested just behind your shoulders and when you tilted your head back your hair brushed against it. You shot him a glance and half-smile and he offered you one to match, then his arm slid down to you.

“How have things been with you, G?” he asked, giving your shoulder a squeeze.

“Good.”

“Come on, that’s hardly an answer. Details, man.”

“I, um...” You tried not to be nervous and...excited to have him around you. But he noticed. He knew. He pointed it out with his eyes and a smirk and you blushed, squirming and adjusting your pants and shirt to hide it as best you could. “I- I was thinking about something else, the girl in the movie. Sorry, I-”

Nick leaned in closer and you couldn’t help the honest shudder as your eyes closed and his scorching breath burned the words into your ear, “I haven’t noticed any girls in this movie.”

“Heh.” You cleared your throat amidst a nervous laugh. “It’s, uh- It’s an accident.”

“Mmm.” The vibrations of Nick’s amused hum only made your ‘accident’ more prominent. “No it’s not.”

“I- Uh-” You tried to get up, to escape your humiliation, but his arm had you pinned.

“Aren’t you going to do something about that?” he whispered, again directly into your ear.

You looked to him, mouth open and so anxiously awed, trying to read his dark eyes.

His lips touched your neck and you melted, eyes closing as heavy breath gave away the tremble of your exhilaration. He sucked between kisses, licking and nibbling, so perfectly and it was all so...

“Mmmm. Take it out. Show me how hard you are.”

“Okay.” Your mouth spoke before your mind gained the courage to do it. But there you were anyway, shaking hands unbuttoning your jeans with Nick watching so very intently. You only pushed things down enough to pull it out, supposing such would suffice in this...situation. But Nick didn’t agree.

“Mm mm. All the way down.”

“Okay.” And your hips lifted for the tug of pants and underwear to your ankles.

Nick seemed...pleased, and even forced your shirt up for a better view. “Touch yourself for me.”

Okay, maybe things were going a little too fast. He’d never even hinted at anything like this before and-

“Now.”

You nodded, certainly satisfying him with your eager unease as flustered fingers curled around yourself. He went back to necking you, a warm hand cupping your knee and forcing your legs farther apart. He’d pause sometimes, just long enough to take in the action, sighing his approval with vibrations hinting at a groan.

The touch of yourself barely registered compared to what Nick did to you, nor compared to his hand inside your thigh and the velvety wetness at your neck. It all burned so brilliantly, the tug of your hand only aiding the bonfire that consumed you.

“Faster,” he ordered, and you whimpered, instantly obeying.

Your free hand dared to slip over his, clutching it just inside your thigh.

“No,” he said, and you actually felt the delicious dominance in his smirk. Then his hand left you.

You stopped, confused and embarrassed and needy. “What-”

“Sh,” he cut you off, a finger at his lips before that very hand lowered itself to you again. But this time it touched a place you hadn’t dared to beg him for, despite how much you wanted it. He took you into his firm fist, working your cock with a slow intensity that you could barely comprehend. So you simply opted not to, and only felt. Part of you wanted to roll your head back against the arm still around you and die in it, but you couldn’t bear to tear your eyes away. You couldn’t believe that Nick-fucking-Stokes was jacking you off, and needed every single second of it to be burned, seared into your memory forever.

Your face twitched with the shudder and gasps of your breath. “Yeah…uh.”

“Mmm, yes. Cry it, baby,” he said of your panting moans, purring it through his ever-present kisses. “You gonna cum for me?”

“Yeah…Yeah.” And you felt it, almost there. He started kissing you again, certain not to slow, and soon, soon… “Fuck. Uh, yeah. God…” And you were lost, to him, surrounded by him, taken by him.

“Good boy,” he whispered, his hand still working your high away. After a few more moments, he gave you one last kiss to your cheek before rising and making his way to the kitchen’s sink to wash his hand off.

You found some tissues on the coffee table to wipe up the remnants, and began working your pants up just as he returned.

“I heard Grissom was pretty impressed with you the other day. What was that all about?” He sat again, but not quite as close.

“I, um-” And you worked your way through it, tightening up those inadvertent stumbles as the flush faded from your cheeks. It was weird, kinda, how he just kept going as if it hadn’t happened. As if it wasn’t so fucking huge. But then you thought—maybe it wasn’t supposed to be. This is how Nick worked. You weren’t supposed to get all emotional and sappy and “talk” about it. You just did it and moved on.

You left once the movie finished, and he walked with you to the door and offered a pleasant goodbye and “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Things weren’t too weird at work. At least, not as weird as you thought it’d be. He was still same-old-Nick. And you were still same-old-oddball-Greg. He didn’t hesitate to talk to you, nor did he avoid touching you. He still liked you. And you couldn’t help but wonder, constantly, did he want to know more of you? Because you would give yourself to him, again and again.

Later—a few days, actually—you asked, propositioned him again, “Do you wanna, I mean, like a movie again or something? At your place?”

He laughed an amused smirk, because he knew exactly why you were asking. “Yeah, sure. What are you up for?”

"Anything."

“Anything?”

"I mean, whatever you want."

“N’kay. I’ll figure out somethin’.”

“Okay,” you replied with a sweetly pleased smile. He rubbed your shoulder before disappearing, and you took a second to savor it.

You showed up at his doorstep intentionally late, as to not appear too eager. Though the same could not be said for him. He grinned upon the sight of you, and urged your entrance with a “come in, come in.” You only went a few steps further, just enough to clear yourself of the door and to watch as Nick closed and locked it. When he turned back to you, that mischievous excitement hadn’t escaped his expression. He neared you, and, sooner than you’d supposed, had you against the wall. He was at your neck again, hands tugging so roughly to open your jeans, and your imminent overwhelm forced you to surrender to him. Again.

As soon as your pants hit the floor, he was on his knees. His fist wrapped around the base of you, and you were already so fucking hard. His tongue twirled around the tip and you began to tremble. He sucked and licked and kissed and stroked and even managed to take all of you a few times, just daring you to die in it. You thought you would, because there wasn’t anywhere to go from here—it couldn’t get any fucking better.

Both hands clutched your T-shirt, scrunched midway up your chest, while the rest of you reeled, panting your elated appreciation just as you had before. Nick looked up with that fucking grin every now and then, so very satisfied with your resulting incoherency.

You didn’t have to tell him when you were almost there—he could tell by your cries, and urged you to “Cum on, boy,” amidst fevered stroking before his mouth went back to swallowing your only slightly restrained thrusts.

“Uh,” was all you managed as the wave of pure bliss took you away, and released itself into Nick’s mouth. All of it. But that barely registered until the high had worn off enough to urge your eyes open, just in time to see Nick rise and then spit into the wastebasket.

“I wasn’t sure what you’d seen before,” he said once in the kitchen and just after turning the tap on. He then filled a glass, took a sip, swished it around, and spit it out. “So I rented a few. Figured there might be something you’d be interested in.”

“Ye-yeah.” You’d just barely gotten your pants back up when he returned to you.

“C’mon,” he insisted, waving you toward the living room. “The couch is gettin’ cold.”

“Yeah,” you replied with a smile hinting at shy. You spent the next few hours there, just like the first time, watching a movie you’d seen before but thought that Nick should see too. He still asked about you. Just the same, he was interested. And just the same, you were thrilled to tell him more. And even more delighted when you impressed him, or when one of your supposed kinky ‘experiences’ made him blush.

It took another few weeks of friendly flirting and bashful avoidance before Nick ever invited you into his bed. It was subtle at first, thanks to being at work. You’d just recited your findings to him, explaining what you supposed the substance found within the blood on the bottom of a victim’s shoe meant, when he scanned the recently-printed paperwork and asked, “Hmm... You ever been on the bottom before, G?”

Though slightly thwarted, you were pretty sure you knew exactly what he meant. “Yeah.”

“Really? How is it?”

“I...” You half-shrugged, a shoulder lifting toward your tilted head. “I like it well enough, I guess.”

“Good. I think, next time, you should be prepared to do that. What do you say?”

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

“Alright, then. I’ll see you later,” he said with a light smack to your upper arm.

You met at his place again, during your next available coinciding off-time. This time, he didn’t take you at the door. Nor on the couch. No, he took you to his bedroom. And there he had things already set. Although ‘set’ simply meant having the lamp on, covers turned down with a couple pillows propped up at the end of the bed, and some condoms and lube very blatantly displayed upon the nightstand.

“Mmm, you ready?” he purred into the back of your neck, with firm hands upon your shoulders.

“Yeah,” you breathed, and he was lifting your shirt. He stripped you completely, then led you to his bed. Though when you attempted to lie toward the headboard, he quickly righted you.

“Mm mm, this way,” he said, hands gripping your shoulders to guide your head toward the end of the bed. “That’s right. Good boy. Now, close your eyes.”

You did so, curling your arms around a pillow and listening so intently to the rustle of Nick’s clothing as it so obviously dropped to the floor. But Nick didn’t join you right away, and though tempted to look up once hearing the ‘tink’ of the television turning on, and whir of the VCR starting up, you didn’t. Not even as Nick’s knee caused the mattress to dip just before the rest of him joined you, nor as the corny dialogue that you knew all too well started up. You didn’t even have to look. And you didn’t want to look, either. Sure, you had nothing against chicks—you liked some of them—but straight porn was just...not preferential. Especially in this instance.

Nick began to touch you with firm, knowing hands that worked their way up your back and neck, while straddling your thighs with his own nakedness. Soon he merged with you to resume that now quite familiar kissing, with the not-so-familiar addition of his warm, muscled body grinding so deliciously against you. And now you thought you could just die in this. Having him there, atop you, skin-to-skin with his lips and fingertips dancing so delicately upon your flesh...

Soon he rose from you, and encouraged your hips to rise and tilt for him. “You don’t take too much preparation, do you?” he asked as the lube’s plastic cap popped open.

“No.”

“Great.” The lube-coated tip of a finger touched your asshole only briefly before the slick thickness slipped inside.

You gasped, instantly.

“Yeah, you like that?” he asked, a pleased smirk in his voice.

“Yes.”

“Mmm.” He almost laughed it as his finger slipped from you to aid him in the application of the condom. Your disappointment didn’t have the opportunity to last long, as he sank right into you only moments later. “Oh fuck yeah...” he growled, hands gripping your hips.

You moved with him, just slightly, the weight of him and the tamed force behind his tempered thrusts rocking you. You knew he was watching the TV, and you wished you couldn’t hear it, but he was still so fucking...focused. And it all had you so lost to him. This was more than you could have imagined. Though you had imagined it—you had dreamt of him taking you, fucking you, and having his ultimate way with you—but this...this was better than all those desperate jack-off sessions combined.

His moans—his growls that made you shudder with each grunt—soon drowned out the rest of it, especially mixed with your own. And so long as you didn’t look up, so long as all you felt was his fucking passion as he moved within you and over you and around you, it was all you needed. Still, you wanted more, but when your hand drifted below to aid your overwhelm, another clamped around your wrist.

“Mm mm,” he warned with authoritative amusement before guiding your arm back to the clutch of pillows. Then he lowered himself, once again merging the front of him with your back, to let that strong hand take hold of you. He stroked you just as expertly as before, this time accompanied with the jolting rhythm of his hips and the fervor of his pleasure as you’d never felt it. But now you had him, and he’d finally given himself to you.

“Come on, baby, come on,” he whispered in that husky growl. “You’re close now, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” you whispered, a trembling in your panting.

“Come on now,” he urged with devastating eagerness, and could tell by your resulting cries that you were certainly abiding. “Oh yes. Yes. There you go. Oh yeah.” He slowed enough to work your high away at a pleasant pace, and when your breath had calmed to that of simple satisfaction, he pressed a hand to the center of your back, thus forcing you to lie down. He continued above you in practical silence besides that of his labored breaths, until you felt a brief, body-encompassing shudder.

“Keep your eyes closed,” he whispered, removing himself.

You listened to him take care of things, including turning off the television and even dressing himself again.

“Okay,” he said from the doorway. “I got a new two-player videogame if you’re interested. If not, you can just take off.”

“No, I can-” You slipped from the bed to grab your underwear. “I can stick around, if you want.”

“Okay. Cool.” And he left the room.

The experience went on and ended just as the couple before had, and your meetings at work seemed to remain quite similar as well. That is, until one particular instance in the locker room during your break. You weren’t sure where it could go from there, if the experience could become even more intense, or if, oh god, he let you fuck him. But you didn’t even need that, just one more night like the last and you’d be in heaven.

So you propositioned him, again as subtly as you could despite the lack of others within the vicinity. “Hey, I was wondering, if you weren’t doing anything later, maybe I could come over...”

“No.”

“Oh, okay, when do you think we could-”

“I don’t know. I’m pretty busy this week,” he replied, standing up after tightening a shoelace.

“Oh. That’s cool. I’m pretty busy, too, so I just thought I’d, ya know...”

“Mm hmm,” he said with a half-smile before closing his locker and leaving you.

You brushed it off, figuring, of course—he couldn’t be all about you. He was a busy guy with a demanding job and didn’t have time to be fucking around. So you gave him a little time—a few days—before taking it upon yourself, and ‘happening to be in the neighborhood’ one night that you knew he had off. You didn’t go to the door, though, because you knew he couldn’t want to see you. Or so you supposed. He had company that night, some unknown car, and despite the creepy-factor you were certain he’d pick up on if he had any clue you were doing it, you watched and waited, until, finally, an hour or two later, she came out. Yes, it was a she and there he was at the door, kissing her cheek and smiling. You tried to rationalize, and you clung to it with all that you had, despite the inevitable sinking of your heart.

She was just, probably his sister. Tomorrow, you’d just casually bring it up, he’d say so, and things would be fine. He had family in town, didn’t want to introduce them to his male lover, and that was all. You totally understood.

You just needed the confirmation. Though your mind had so thoroughly convinced yourself this scenario was true, your heart couldn’t help but tremble when you approached him.. “Hey, Nick, um... I was just wondering, uh, I stopped by the another night and I saw-”

“You stopped by my place last night?” he asked, eyes sharp with agitated alarm.

“Yeah, I was just wondering if you wanted to do anything and I was in the neighborhood so I stopped by but there was this girl coming out-”

“I thought I told you I was busy,” he said, eyes growing darker.

“Well I just thought-”

“I don’t know what you think this is, Greg, but don’t you think you’re becoming a bit obsessed with me? I mean, you’re camping out outside my house spying on me?”

“What? It wasn’t like that,” you plead with honest confusion. “I thought we-”

“What? You think we're boyfriends or something? Please, I’m not looking for a husband.”

“Well I’m not, either. And, I mean, you don’t have to call me your boyfriend, but I thought we, ya know.”

Nick practically snorted. “There’s never been any ‘we’. This isn’t real, Greg. Look, we had a good time, but it was nothing more than that.”

“You mean, you’re not...”

“Gay? No.”

You couldn’t help a timid laugh in your confusion. “But you-”

“Look, there’s a reason gay marriage isn’t legal. Two guys aren’t supposed to go playin’ house or somethin’. We can’t pretend to be real. It just doesn’t work that way. I’m sorry if you feel I’ve misled you, but I thought it was clear that we’re just friends.”

“No, I didn’t think- I didn’t mean it like that. Just forget it,” you said, silently cursing the sting in your eyes as you turned away from him.

“Greg...” he says, voice softer as he nears you. “I didn’t know it meant that much to you, man.”

“It didn’t,” you snap, already back to your work.

“I still like you...Greg.”

“Uh huh.”

“Okay,” he softly replied, a hand gripping your shoulder before he left.

You didn’t shiver this time. That’s the first thing you noticed. No, instead it only stung, more than the burn of tears in your eyes. And it lingered much longer, too.

Maybe he was right. Two guys just...couldn’t. You’d never made it work before. You’d always just been a fuck. This time it was supposed to be different. You’d never felt this before. You’d never...loved one of them. But it wasn’t love, and you knew that now. Infatuation and utter lust had blinded you. All this time, he never treated you like anything other than a friend outside of those brief moments of sexual contact. It was just you who felt more than him. Just you who created this passionate little world that didn’t exist. It was you who lost yourself, and let all the rest of it go, just because Nick wanted you.

---

Questions:

1. How do you feel about Nick in all this?

2. How do you feel about Greg?

3. How do you ultimately feel about this situation and their 'relationship'?

4. Any other thoughts?

Bonus: How did you feel about the straight porn aspect? Did you still find Greg's ultimate experience appealing (or any of the 'sexual contact') even though you knew there was something off about it (or not), or did you recognize that 'off-ness' and therefore find it unappealing?

Also: If you don't want to answer the questions (and just give a simple comment), that's fine, but further thoughts are very valuable.

Comments

[carolina30363.livejournal.com]

This was very sad and intense and amazing and painful.
Poor Greg!

[carolina30363.livejournal.com]

And regarding your questions
1) I kinda hated him for his cold ness
2) I'd like tohug him
3) It was an Unhealthy relationship from the beginning but Greg was too in love to realize it
4) I'd like a sequel

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

That was a wonderful statement/summary. Thank you.

[travellingone.livejournal.com]

It was very sad, yet I could see Greg getting emotionally involved. I'd like to see a sequel where he turns the tables on Nick, but I'm mean and vindictive that way.

[tzi.livejournal.com]

My vote lies there, too. >( Rawr.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

We'll see what happens...:) I'll have to be thinking about this now...

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

1. Good, I'm glad you felt that way. He wasn't created to hate. He was the figurative "bad" guy, but he wasn't all bad, either. He certainly was from Greg's perspective, though, since his view on things was so very different.

3. Again, I don't think he's cold, and I don't think he was uncaring. I'm not defending his behavior because, as I also said--it was inappropriate. And I also didn't create him to be loved. He should have cared more--he should have been affectionate and compassionate, but he didn't think that was part of it. But that hasn't been made very clear since we've only seen Greg's POV (it's all about Greg's pleasure and Greg's pain--that's the point of the story). So that would be something covered in the sequel.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and while I disagree with some, I was very glad to read some others :)

[downloadable08.livejournal.com]

I agree with Carolina--Greg needs a hug. I think that the interaction between them shows how ready we as human beings are to believe what we want to believe. Nick has a point. He never made any promises. That still doesn't keep him from being a selfish prick, however. You made me dislike Nicky, and I thought it couldn't be done. So, I guess... go you?
I won't say that I loved it, because that kind of unhealthy communication between our boys makes me feel squicky. However, it was very well written and most definitely thought-provoking. And a sequel would indeed be interesting.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not supposed to make you feel great. But, as I said, it doesn't mean you can't like the story as opposed to the content, ya know?

Anyway, thanks for your comments and I'll be thinking about the sequel possibilities :)

[tzi.livejournal.com]

1. How do you feel about Nick in all this?
I think he's a real cock sucker. Not a lot of sympathy for Nick here. I don't HATE him, but you know, I can't say I like him, either. I've been involved with a couple of people like that, and it's just... You know, you have to learn when to say you're not going there anymore.

2. How do you feel about Greg?
I hope he knows a couple folks who'll take him out, get him drunk, and tell him Nick SO isn't good enough for him. But I feel sorry for him. How could you not?

3. How do you ultimately feel about this situation and their 'relationship'?
I think almost everybody falls into this trap at least once. It's almost hero-worship, in a way, and then... wow. THEY want YOU and oh, wow. Wow. Except... really they don't, and it's horrible. It's almost worse that you can't think good things about them anymore.

4. Any other thoughts?
Boy, that wasn't pleasant. Emotionally. In other words, you did an INCREDIBLE job, because it made me so miserable ^_~

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

It's almost hero-worship, in a way, and then... wow. THEY want YOU and oh, wow. Wow. Except... really they don't, and it's horrible.
EXACTLY. I'm so very very glad you got that.

Thank you.

Because

[(Anonymous)]

Nick was a bit cold hearted I think he has a serious case of denial Poor Greg looking for love and finding a man unable to truly accept himself.. I hoping Nick discovers how much he truly cares for Greg but that Greg finds someone else. Grissom or Warrick would be great. Loved the story any how Your a great writer

Re: Because

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Thanks :) And that's an interesting take. I don't think he'll end up with Warrick or Grissom, though, lol. I can't write any CSI pairing that's not Nick/Greg.

[schizojuc.livejournal.com]

1. This Nick is not the conventional fic Nick and I kind of disliked him for the way he used Greg.

2. Greg broke my heart plain and simple!

3. I felt Nick was using Greg. Greg was too into Nick to see it.

Their first encounter was kind of strange because of the way Nick got Greg off and then continued with normal conversation. But the sex was hot with Nick's dominance. Yet sad because of the lack of feeling Nick had for Greg.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

But the sex was hot with Nick's dominance.
Good! I always wanted to write a truly dom Nick fic, and I liked it too...even if I didn't love him.

Thanks for your thoughts :)

[0creativity.livejournal.com]

1. How do you feel about Nick in all this?
I found him out of character, especially how demanding and commanding he was. I found his excuse lame. I think it's entirely possible that he has some conflicting ideas about homosexuality, but I don't think Nick is the type of person to lead someone on and use them. Nick's excuse of "Two guys aren’t supposed to go playin’ house or somethin’." doesn't really fit. Religious/moral beliefs probably play a huge role in why he thinks gay marriage is wrong, and those same beliefs probably wouldn't advocate leading someone on or using them, never mind that if he believes gay marriage is wrong to the extent that he's not willing to commit himself to a homosexual relationship, he would probably think the sex is just as wrong.

I don't think my feelings on Nick in this story are limited to just my idea of who Nick is and what he's about. The show gives us a very good idea of what each character is like, and while we're certainly not limited by just what they give us, I don't think there's been anything in canon to indicate that Nick is how he is portrayed in this story. On the contrary, the Nick in this story is almost a polar opposite of the Nick on the show. Basically, I think more needs to be done to convince me that this Nick is possible of existing.

2. How do you feel about Greg?
I found him weak and pathetic. I think Greg is a strong person and probably wouldn't find himself in this situation. He would be smart enough to get out of it, or to avoid it all together. If Nick hadn't acted so cold after each "encounter", as if nothing had happened, I could maybe believe that Greg would let the encounters continue. However, he had to feel like shit after each one of them because of the way Nick acted. No matter how much he thinks he loves Nick, Greg (and Nick, for that matter) is not a horny teenager who exists for the sole purpose of having sex. I think he would realize that he's not gaining anything from this situation, and in fact, is actually losing. I think he would realize fairly quickly that Nick isn't interested in anything more than sex. Yes, the sex might be incredible, and it's something he's (according to this story) fantasized about a lot. The problem is that the novelty of purely physical interaction will wear off fairly quickly, and I've already mentioned that I think Nick and Greg are well past the part of their lives where "just sex" is all they're looking for, or even need.

3. How do you ultimately feel about this situation and their 'relationship'?
I don't think it can be called a relationship. I think it destroyed any friendship they might have had. I think they are both stronger, more mature characters than they're often portrayed as in stories like these.

4. Any other thoughts?
These are the kind of angst fics that I don't really like. It's angst for angst's sake. Nothing is accomplished and the characters don't even feel like Nick and Greg, so I don't end up feeling for either one of them. By the time I reach the end, the only emotion I'm feeling is disappointment, because the time and effort put into writing things like this could have been used to write something truly incredible that had a point and/or made me feel for the characters.

How did you feel about the straight porn aspect? Did you still find Greg's ultimate experience appealing (or any of the 'sexual contact') even though you knew there was something off about it (or not), or did you recognize that 'off-ness' and therefore find it unappealing?
I found it degrading. That was, probably, the only part of the story that made me feel anything for Greg. Because as much as it was his fault for getting himself into this situation, I can't help but imagine how incredibly awful he must have felt when that happened. Needless to say, I didn't find his ultimate experience appealing at all.

So, that was kind of all over the place. I'm really bad at expressing all of my ideas fully, because they come and go and run all over my brain as I'm trying to get them down. If you need me to clarify or expand on anything, just ask :)

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Hmm, that's an interesting take, and I supposed some might feel varying degrees of it, but honestly not such disdain. I still disagree, though, and while I know there's no point in defending myself to your perception, as I said--I believe this is a *possibility*. I do NOT believe this is how they actually are or most likely would be--but they *could* be. We have never seen Nick Stokes in any homosexual relationship before. We have NO CLUE how he would act there. Along with being molested and raised in conservative Texas, he can have some HUGE issues regarding it, and be very messed up in how he acts with it.

And Greg, based upon his *very* present desire to fit in (and his likely lack of it throughout grade school), it seems quite possible to me that he could fall for and become infatuated with the handsome jock. And, when people are in such 'lust', they *can* lose themselves. They *can* do stupid things. It doesn't mean he was weak, it means he was mistaken. That, and his 'response' at the end was only his initial one--he could sort it out later and his actual 'strength' could shine right through. People who are manipulated are not automatically weak; their victims. But at the same time, that doesn't mean Nick so consciously realized what he was doing. It didn't mean he realized he was being a jerk--from his perspective he was being pretty damn nice!

And you don't have to find the sex appealing--the relationship *wasn't* a good one, and Nick mostly treated Greg as an object. However, my personal preferences happening to find *some* aspects of that appealing. But not Nick's ultimate emotional distance.

And this was *not* angst for angst's sake. This was, as I've said again and again, playing upon a possibility. Making them *not* perfect, and creating a dysfunctional relationship. I do like the idea of one person supposing something is one way and becoming so in love with their ideals only to end up in crushing heartbreak once it's realized that things were never really that way at all. Yes, I do want you to feel that--and *that* is the point of angst--but angst was NOT the simple point of the story.

[dtkokoro.livejournal.com]

1. The next day, Nick went for a walk, and then a gay pride float hit him and he died.
2. Greg eyes that cute Asian lab guy, and then they go out, and have a merry ole gay time. Move to Hawaii and get married.
3. Actually, I kind of like these stories, 'specically when the end up together in the end.
4. Nah.

to tell you the truth I kind of blanked out when reading it which happens to me a lot, so I only really say the part when Nick was an asshat. Then, I had to go back and re-read it. I thought the porn part was just one of those crazy games.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Well that'd be an interesting sequel at least, lol.

Thanks :)

[anmani.livejournal.com]

I admire you for writing something where they are not the perfect couple to happen.

It is a possibility though we may not like it one bit.

You write so well and has a way of twisting the 'camera' in an unexpected angle and that takes courage and a lot of understanding.
/A

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I really appreciate that comment.

[brandinsbabe.livejournal.com]

wow that was really powerful. its insane cause you feel so bad for greg and would never really think nick would act like that, but really nick never established anything. so yeah how do i feel about nick...i dont hate him, but i dont like him. ive been in an almost same situation but in the end it was really my fault cause i knew what i was getting into. a reltionship like that always sucks. i dont think it would really be this way with them though. i cant see nick being so cold. and greg...well greg is just amazing in and of itself. his passion and sadness...you made it very intense and i love that so much.
love is crazy and painful.
i would love to see a sequel to this. i think it would be really interesting.

[brandinsbabe.livejournal.com]

heh i had this page open before u put the bonus question up. and that was one aspect of the story i actually found weird and almost disturbing. it just made me uneasy to think that nick would be watching straight porn while being with greg. degrading to him even. that part seemed too out of character for me. and gregs acceptance of it...but i can see how when you are so in love or lust you can just ignore it. greg just seems to me, to be more confident even though at times he can be trying to find his place.
i really love how you asked questions at the end of it and actually made us think.
id love to see more from you.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Well, I figured asking questions would get people more likely to tell me what I needed, and make it easier to reply. I got a bit more than I bargained for, lol. I think I'll probably stick to asking my questions only in my preview sorts of entries instead.

[acroarcs.livejournal.com]

Well, I certainly can't use my only CSI icon after that story. (Since it's Nick.) I also wish I'd read this sooner, but I didn't read any slash this weekend at all. I've read it now though, and I've scanned through most of the comments.

What worked for me...

Characterization of Nick. I know you've gotten comments that this has to be an obviously non-canon characterization, but I was pretty sold on it. I also don't think that this Nick goes against anything actually televised - I agree that people are different in different situations. The only time we've ever seen Nick in do anything similar is with Kristy, and if anything, the roles there are the reverse of this situation. Maybe it just rings true because I've known several people who act friendly most of the time but take advantage of the situation when they have the chance. Once that developed into a dysfunctional relationship, and none of them turned out well. I can even point out similar tendencies in myself (from two to three years ago) that could have been closet-related, but I'm not sure.

The sex. Yeah, it got to me biologically, but I was also upset that it did, since it was emotionally dead. That, to me, was the biggest strength of the story. Your question about the straight porn plays into that as well. I should also note that (shockingly) my eyes just sort of scan past pointless porn unless it's either (a) well-written, (b) plot-integral, or (c) characterization. This worked on all three points.

What didn't work for me...

Second person POV. But then I've never been a fan of it and it's my personal mission to eradicate it from this world.

Nick!sex. While both Nick and the sex worked for me, Nick and the sex together was odd. He was extremely direct, though I'm not sure if the situation would increase or decrease his directness. Hmmm. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Maybe that while I bought into the story and the characters, the words that came out of Nick's mouth during sex just didn't sound like him, and there wasn't any explicit justification of that - although perhaps you took it as part of the characterization. Your mileage may vary, I suppose.

Well-written as usual, of course. And tightly plotted. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to see a sequel, though, since this feels like a very complete story as it stands.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it got to me biologically, but I was also upset that it did, since it was emotionally dead.
Hmm, well, in a way there *was* some emotion--Nick did seem to care about Greg's "needs" and getting him off physically and making sure he felt good. But, of course, he didn't suppose he had to care about Greg's, well, emotions, too. So, yes, you had a point there and now I lost mine :\ Huh. But, yeah, as I said many times elsewhere, he lacked the compassion and affection. He didn't suppose he needed it--he was detached. And, of course, that's where people need to fill in the blanks as to *why* he is detached. Also, I *hope* some people found the sex appealing, at least for the quality in the writing's sake. Heh. I thought I did a pretty decent job, and for what Greg thought it was, found it rather appealing. But then all the more painful once reality was revealed.

Second person POV. But then I've never been a fan of it and it's my personal mission to eradicate it from this world.
Yeah, I can understand that, lol. I really did try to figure out other POV's, but this is all that would work. First person was way too personal, and would have involved entirely rational thinking. Third person would be too detached and mechanical like. You wouldn't really know what was in *either* of their heads, or you'd know what was in both, which I didn't want. Though, yes, I could have made it one-sided that way, I didn't want to. I felt like second person worked because it was like his head talking to him. It was his head reciting the events, rationalizing things, telling him how he felt and what he did and why he did it. And your head, your in-the-moment-thoughts (and even afterward), don't always make sense. Plenty of people believe things that aren't true, justify things that can't be justified, and--for example Nick--feel guilty and/or ashamed for things they are not responsible for. Hindsight is rational, being able to look at and examine things from an outside perspective is very easy to judge and examine and criticize. It's not so easy when you're actually there. And that was the point of this. It was Greg's head.

the words that came out of Nick's mouth during sex just didn't sound like him, and there wasn't any explicit justification of that
I understand that. Reading it over from how I'd written it (from hearing it/seeing it in my head), it didn't sound as I'd intended it. I just didn't know how to get it there. I saw it as more of a growling, tough, amused, pleased, whatever thing (the "yeah's" and the like when encouraging Greg to cum), this smiling excited he's doing it for me or he's doing just as I wanted type thing or something. See, ya get how hard this is to describe? Yeah, that's why I couldn't get it right in the story, either.

And, of course, I really appreciate your thoughts :) And I'm glad you liked it.

[quasilogical.livejournal.com]

1. How do you feel about Nick in all this?
This isn't my usual interpretation of Nick, I don't really see him as the type to have casual sex. My thought is that because of what he went through with the babysitter, he'd be hesitant towards sex, and would only go that far with someone he was really serious about. That said, I do also see how Nick's experience could make him crave sex with someone he felt safe with, and I see how he could think of Greg as that sort of comfortable, non-threatening partner. This is one of those stories where Nick doesn't quite know what he's doing, doesn't understand how serious the situation is, and as with most of those stories, you can't help but think, damn it, Nick, how can you not know better? I like that he really does seem to feel badly, but he doesn't particularly handle the apology well, either.

2. How do you feel about Greg?
I've always thought Greg was a bit more insecure than he leads the audience of the show to believe. This is may be an extreme representation, but it isn't completely without merit. Greg does let on that he's let people bully him a bit (ie getting skates sharpened for college roommate). It makes sense that he'd let people take advantage of that, especially people who weren't bullying him, but seemed to be nice to him. I can see him trying so hard to please Nick because he does try so hard to please Grissom or the other CSIs. I don't necessarily see, as other reviewers pointed out, this as him trying to fit in-- I see him trying very hard to please one person, and it unfortunately backfires.

3. How do you ultimately feel about this situation and their 'relationship'?
It feels like a horrible knot in my stomach. I think I could tell early on that the relationship wasn't quite what Greg thought it was, because Nick was always quick to bring up work. I hate that Nick really thought he wasn't hurting anyone, and I hate that Greg was too absorbed in the moment to hear the warning bells. The situation sucks, but you wrote it well, if that makes sense. You can see that both parties thought they had an understanding, and they were wrong, and no matter what, that hurts.

4. Any other thoughts?
I like having questions. It makes it so much easier for me to write a coherent, useful review. I also enjoyed the look at very dom Nick, which is unusual in fic. He'll usually play at being dom if Greg brings the handcuffs and really asks him to, but Nick was truly forcefully dominant in this one and I like that change of pace. (It was actually kind of hot, if only the story had a happy ending.)

Bonus: How did you feel about the straight porn aspect? Did you still find Greg's ultimate experience appealing (or any of the 'sexual contact') even though you knew there was something off about it (or not), or did you recognize that 'off-ness' and therefore find it unappealing?
I thought the straight porn was creepy and really should have been the clincher for Greg to figure things out. Maybe to make it more believeable that he didn't get the whole situation, you could change that to some sort of three (or more) person romp, with at least one woman and two men. It would make more sense then that Greg still thought Nick was interested in men. That interpretation does cut out some of the degredation Nick puts Greg through, purposefully or not, and I think you may want to keep that aspect in there.

Final thoughts, it's not my usual Nick/Greg interpretation, nor is it particularly my favorite (I'm a sucker for happy endings and I don't think it's possible for this to have one). I do think you did a very nice job with this piece though because it was heartbreaking and intense and everthing this plot bunny had to be.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

I really really liked your thoughts. Finally, somebody who told me some *good* things I hadn't considered before! I don't even know where to start because I liked (and agreed with) so much of it. But here goes.

1. I see him that way, too--likely to only have sexual contact with somebody he'd really cared about. But, he did become infatuated with whatsherface quite easily. However, this (as Nick said) was not a similar case. This was with a guy, where he felt that he didn't have to care that much. It wasn't like male/female relationships--he didn't have to be affectionate, he just had to get off. But I do like your point about going to somebody safe. I don't know if Nick would have been the type to do this with strangers. I mean, he certainly did like Greg as a friend and genuinely cared about him in that respect.

2. Exactly--he is more insecure not really more than the show implies (because there is *a lot* there to work with), but as the fans assume. They want to see him as funny, confident, strong, independent, outgoing, intelligent, and, well, perfect--but he's not. And there's plenty of that in canon, too. I mean, I bet if I had written (as opposed to it being on the show) that during one of his first cases as a CSI, he would use the restroom at a crime scene--when even Hodges knew better!--people would probably say I'm crazy! Greg is WAY too smart to do that! Well, guess what--he's human. Yeah, even fictional characters can be that way sometimes, too. Humans for the most part, really aren't rational. And I'm not going to make mine exceptions to that.

3. I'm glad you can recognize both perspectives. And I do think that Nick felt more (at least afterward) than he let on, but felt bad and recognized Greg's humiliation and thought it best to do as Greg wanted and leave him alone. Which leads me to the "Greg would be way stronger than that!" stuff people are saying. At the end--he was embarrassed and hurt and angry and at work. He was still reeling from this discovery and feeling used and like a complete and utter moron--what is he supposed to do? Tell Nick he's a big jerkface and he hates him? No, clearly he didn't even know what to think yet. He just felt like shit, and was even mad at *himself*. But, well, that's pretty much a fair majority of what would go in the sequel, lol.

4. I liked dom Nick, too. I liked creating a scenario in which it worked. And I'm glad you found it hot, too. I really did hope people would.

Bonus: Yes, it was creepy. But I kind of liked that ultimate detachment factor, while Nick still seemed to be paying attention to Greg, even though he was using the porn, too. I also feel like Greg rationalized it as it was just Nick's preference. Not that it defined his orientation. But, yeah, it was meant as a bit of a 'clue' and to be one more source of that 'degradation' as you said.

And, yes, this is not my favorite either--and I tend to need the happy endings, too. But sometimes I like a little heartbreak. At least when I'm the one writing it. Again, I really appreciate your thoughts, and was glad to find a review I didn't have to wince even once through.

[xadriane.livejournal.com]

1. How do you feel about Nick in all this?
I don't have much problem with Nick. Though I think the characterization is pretty off canon, the characterization you chose was intriguing. I was actually quite curious about Nick and his motivations (explained more under #3)

2. How do you feel about Greg?
I had more problems with Greg in this story than Nick. I could kind of see him going along with the sex, but when Nick started the 'gay isn't normal' speech, I lost Greg. My perception of Greg is that he's too confident and smart and sassy to let that just fly by. I don't mind watching a train wreck in progress (which is what their sexual exploits felt like... an accident you can't look away from), but Greg just accepting Nick's BS at the end felt like he was too much of a victim without a lot of justification.

3. How do you ultimately feel about this situation and their 'relationship'?
I would have been great with it if Greg had some backbone at the end. It's an interesting exploration seeing Nick using Greg this way, and Greg allowing it because he wants Nick. I'm always intrigued with stories that explore one-sided feelings and how far people will go to get a tiny piece of something they want. But I'd have liked to see Greg slap Nick upside the head with a little reality toward the end and walked away with his dignity intact.

4. Any other thoughts?
I wound up with a lingering question: Is this Nick gay? I felt like most of the setup pointed to a straight-but-curious Nick playing with Greg for selfish reasons. The straight porn during the sex sort of added to this impression. However, Nick getting Greg off twice without reciprocation screams extremely-in-denial Nick. Not to mention his matter-of-fact handling of giving blow jobs. He presents many contradictions and I found myself puzzled by him quite a bit.

Bonus: How did you feel about the straight porn aspect?
I liked it but was sort of torn about its role. I found myself wondering if it was for Nick so he could follow through or if it was to manipulate Greg... sort of put Greg in his place. I felt there was the real obvious aspect, but part of me wanted to read this whole thing as a really twisted Nick totally mind fucking Greg and doing it very well. But it wasn't clear one way or the other, so I kind of wound up with ambivalent feelings about the porn.

Did you still find Greg's ultimate experience appealing (or any of the 'sexual contact')
Eh. I'm not sure. I was pretty there with it until the end.

even though you knew there was something off about it (or not), or did you recognize that 'off-ness' and therefore find it unappealing?
Okay, I'm a sick puppy and I know that, but I needed it to be more OFF, or perhaps more obviously OFF for me to really get with it. It either needed to be what it appeared to be on the surface or it needed to be more obviously twisted. I could deal with Greg sort of imploding at the end if Nick had been mind-fucking him a little more. But this Nick I thought just deserved to have Greg slap him around with a little "you are so gay and won't admit it" sentiment.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

1. But how does Nick act in homosexual relationships according to canon? According to canon, he's straight.

2. Greg was just slapped in the face and humiliated. I think it's reasonable that his initial reaction would be denial as to avoid further embarrassment while he assessed the situation and figure out just what the hell is really going on. Does that mean he wouldn't be "smart and sassy" (I don't think he's extremely confident) at a later time, after he'd pulled himself together? Of course not.

3. I'm glad you got the one-sided point of this story. And, again, the way I wrapped it up, Greg didn't really have time for that much of a response. This was only his initial reaction. Based upon canon, he is the type to freeze and say nothing (not just according to "Chasing The Bus", but in "Gentle, Gentle" when Grissom yelled at him) when faced with a stressful situation. He *does* get scared, and he *does* get embarrassed and he doesn't always say something witty or do something smart in response.

4. However, Nick getting Greg off twice without reciprocation screams extremely-in-denial Nick. Not to mention his matter-of-fact handling of giving blow jobs. Sounds like you've got something there ;) He presents many contradictions and I found myself puzzled by him quite a bit. I bet Greg feels the same ;)

I was pretty there with it until the end.
Good, I'd kinda hoped people would be. *I* was, lol.

Thanks for all your thoughts :)

(frozen)

[0creativity.livejournal.com]

I'm just going to make this one quick reply and then I'm just going to leave well enough alone. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

I'm going to try to simplify my view here: This is your story and these are your versions of the characters. It is your job, as the author, to sell the readers and make them believe this could actually happen, and you have to do that through extremely strong characterization. I know everyone sees the characters differently. I get that, I really do, but we all draw our conclusions from the same sources, so it's likely that we're all going to have a common ground in what we believe these characters are capable of and how they react to certain situations and how they live their lives.

Read through all the other comments. How many other people have stated "This isn't how I see Nick, but..." or something similar?

That's all I'm trying to get across. I don't have a problem stepping outside of my "comfort zone" and I don't have a problem with seeing Nick and Greg as anything less than perfect or what I've built them up to be. I've read plenty of fics that portray Nick and Greg as quite different than how I imagine them, but their motivations were strong and they still felt like the Nick and Greg on the show. These fics, then, expanded my view on them and opened up new possibilities for me.

You asked specific questions, you wanted honest answers, and I gave them to you. I'll admit that I was probably pretty rude about it, and for that I apologize. I'm not even going to make excuses for it; I could have been a lot nicer in how I answered. But, you got brutally honest answers, which are a lot more useful than honest answers that have been edited just so no one gets hurt.

I'm going to say this again, and I'm going to avoid referencing specific parts of the story because then we just get caught up in whether or not a specific action or reaction is possible, blah blah blah. Everyone views the characters differently, but there is a general basis offered by canon for each of these characters that cannot be ignored. Saying, "Oh, well, everyone sees them differently..." is not an excuse. Because by saying that, you're admitting that these characters are fundamentally different than the ones offered to us by canon and, most importantly, that that difference is noticable.

We have never seen Nick act the way he did in this story in canon. We have never seen Greg portrayed the way he was in this story in canon. Because of this, the burden is on you to make the reader believe that this is possible. It is not on the reader to just blindly go along and suspend their disbelief. The burden is not on the reader to completely abandon any preconceived notions they may have on the characters. Because if your characterization is strong enough, these issues shouldn't even exist.

That's my honest opinion. You can debate it all you want, and you can hate me or it. I don't really care. You asked for it, and I gave it to you. And I certainly don't mean any disrespect towards you or your writing. As I've said, I've read and enjoyed a lot of your other stories. I just happen to think there is something off with this one.

(frozen) Re:

[0creativity.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean to make this an entirely new comment. Sorry about that :(

[ex-uniquewo.livejournal.com]

That was chilling. I need comfy fic now :-))

1. Like he wasn't human, like he was a robot. But I didn't hate him. I think he's in denial. And that's just very sad.

2. Poor Greg! But he was a bit naive, wasn't he? I think it could have been much worse though so I'm glad he realized that Nick could never give him what he wanted to have - even if he needed Nick to shout it in his face to do it. I'd like to see how hurt he is by this.

3. What relationship? I don't know how Greg could stand interacting with Nick afterwards (okay he has to but still). I would be extremely pissed off and I'd do anything possible to avoid any contact with Nick. But then I'm not Greg, aren't I?

4. A sequel would be good. And not necessarily a happy one.

Thank you for the fic and thank you for the questions.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you didn't hate Nick. And I'd kinda like to explore how hurt Greg is, too... I did a story kind of like this (the using and angsty revelations part, but not the exact same plot) in another fandom, that turned into a short-story trilogy. And the second story was the main character going through his torment, sorting some things out (whether rational or not) and confronting his perpetrator (whether in the right way or resulting in a satisfying conclusion or not) and the last was, of course, the ultimate confrontation with a little more angst and revelations before the ultimate 'happy ending'. So, I'll have to see what I can work out with this one.

Also, I agreed with many of your thoughts in the *ahem* above thread and I'm sorry I had to close it, but, yeah...

[geekwriter143.livejournal.com]

This story makes me uncomfortable, and I'm trying to figure out if it's just the subject matter or if it's more than that. I think it's more. I have a difficult time accepting the idea of Nick as a sexual predator, which the first few paragraphs make it very clear that he is. I also can't see him as hard--emotionally, I mean. He was cold and cruel, and that's not a side of Nick I've ever seen evidence of. I've seen him say things without realizing the cruelty of them ("leggo my Greggo, he's a CSI wannabe" for example), but I don't see him being as calculatingly cold as you've portrayed him here. If something happened that he hadn't planned and, afterwards, he rejected Greg out of some sense of guilt or shame, it would make more sense to me. I can't reconcile the Nick Stokes I know with a man that would purposefully set out to seduce someone that he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with. I mean, even after he had a one night stand with a hooker he called her the very next morning (he didn't even wait a day or two!) wanting to know if she'd come out to lunch with him. So, I guess...

1) Nick doesn't resonate as true to me in this story; I'm trying to see if I can't see him as some alternate version of Nick, but with the limited information given I can't quite do that.

2) Greg, on the other hand, does ring true to me. If I ignore any misgivings I have about the Nick character, and put Greg into this alternate reality you've created, his actions do seem very "Greg." We've seen him continue to pursue someone who makes it clear again and again that they're not interested (I'm thinking specifically of the way he continues to flirt with Sara over the first few seasons no matter how many times she flat out turns him down). I could see him going after someone like this version of Nick again and again, being hopeful and optimistic until finally he gets a clue that things aren't going to be the way he wants them to be.

Another thing that actually felt right to me was the straight porn. I don't know why, exactly, but it fit. And it didn't throw anything off, since you made it clear that things were off in the first few paragraphs.

I like the idea of Nick and Greg in a relationship where everything isn't hearts and flowers, I like the idea of angst and misunderstanding and the possibility that things just aren't going to end happily ever after. While I do love your writing and think you're very talented, I think you also overshot Nick a little bit here. For it to feel real to me, he'd have to be a lot less purposefully cruel and more "accidentally" cruel as a result of his own shame and fears.

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

I can't reconcile the Nick Stokes I know with a man that would purposefully set out to seduce someone that he wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with.
Well, clearly, this Nick compartmentalizes things. He was certainly interested in pursuing a relationship with the female we saw him interacting with on the show. But, in this portrayal, he didn't feel the same about his relationships with males. He didn't believe they were the same. Was that appropriate thinking? No, but I do believe that that's where the guilt and shame and denial comes in. But, as I say again and again, we just don't know where he's coming from. We can only use what we do know of his history to pull possibilities together. He's really not based in nothing.

And I think, since he kept himself detached from things, he supposed Greg could, too. And that it wasn't until now that he'd been confronted with a guy who actually thought more of their encounters. We don't know how he responded to that, except his initial apologetic response. I thought he was genuine.

For it to feel real to me, he'd have to be a lot less purposefully cruel and more "accidentally" cruel as a result of his own shame and fears.
I really don't see how that wasn't the case. I suppose that since I know the story, and it all came from me, that of course that's how I see it. And a continuation would obviously explain more, since we don't actually know Nick's feelings or motivations.

[michigangirl30.livejournal.com]

Ok for now, I'm just going to ignore the other comments as paying heed to them might just get me in a little trouble....

So..

1. I immediately wanted to know WHY Nick was like this? I wonder what has happened to him to make him so hurtful and hateful of himself. But I don't hate him, I ache for him and want to fix him. This isn't the face of Nick that most people see or even want to see. But I got the compartmentalizing. I saw that right away. It's chilling how well you portrayed that. The straight porn knocked that home pretty solidly.

2. Of course, I hurt for Greg in this as well. I wanted him to fight more, but we don't always get what we want and I can accept that. And I understood how he felt, being seduced by Nick, being used and knowing that he went willingly into it. (OT- you're making me want to go back to Rules of the Game again, damn it) He felt Nick liked him and wanted more with him and I honestly don't think he was wrong. Nick is forcing it down but it's there.

3. Ultimately I'm sad that Nick is so cold and unwilling to live as himself and that Greg is just blaming himself for being 'silly' and thinking Nick could love him. I don't know that it could change though, Nick is pretty far past denial and into believing the lies he's told himself for so long.

I wanted to feel Greg's elation at being 'touched' by Nick, by being 'chosen' by him but ... it felt off from the beginning for me. I just knew there was something wrong with Nick's attention and I knew Greg would get hurt.

This was a journey of hope and the death of it. So painful and heartbreaking, Bry, you have got a talent for wringing the last tear from me. It made me want to smack you, then hug you and scream, 'WHY are you doing this to me?'

Especially this paragraph. You moved with him, just slightly, the weight of him and the tamed force behind his tempered thrusts rocking you. You knew he was watching the TV, and you wished you couldt hear it, but he was still so fucking...focused. And it all had you so lost to him. This was more than you could have imagined. Though you had imagined iyou had dreamt of him taking you, fucking you, and having his ultimate way with yobut this...this was better than all those desperate jack-off sessions combined.

Greg knows it's wrong, he does. He just can't seem to allow himself even think the truth when he's getting what he wanted. Careful what you wish for..? Ow.

I don't care what anyone else says. This was beautiful in it's horrible reality. Don't let anyone tell you that 'this' Nick can't exist in canon. If they think they know, then they must be best friends with Nigel Crane. Keep writing!!!

[boy-ish.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so, so much. I knew you'd get it. I feel like I can finally actually offer you "*hugs*" because this really made me feel so much better. I just have to say it again--I'm so glad you got it.

And, yes, you should get working on Rules Of The Game again :p So long as you remember that Nick is an angel, of course. And I'm pretty sure the other posts in this entry will give you rather specific guidelines on what they will and will not allow you to do.

[subluxate]

I skimmed some of the other comments, but not many. (I'm finally catching up on the comms flist--this is something like post 250.)

Before answering your questions, I'll give you my overall impression. It's well-written, as your work tends to be, but I have a hard time seeing Nick in this light. I have to skew my paradigm for it to really work for me. It's an interesting scenario, certainly, and one that's often neglected in my fandoms.

1. I don't like this version of Nick. For anyone to be that heartless and uncaring toward another...it's not a good quality, to me. Which is good, actually--we can't have the characters be perfect. I just have a very hard time seeing Nick like this and reconciling it with my view of him.

2. Greg seemed lost, I think, like he was looking for an anchor, and Nick failed him. It's an interesting view, and makes me think about how he was with Ecklie in that recent ep.

3. This situation seemed very real to me (no matter the players, it's something that can happen), though I think it would have irreperably harmed their friendship.

Bonus: Degrading, humiliating, thoughtless, and quite possibly the worst thing Nick did in the entire fic.