one year without writing isn't that long actually

[mangojunkie.livejournal.com]

Title: Lost in you
Rating: PG-13, if even that high
Warnings: none
Spoiler: for 'Play with Fire', 'Stalker', 'Grave Danger', 'Overload' and
Summary: Greg is sooo deep in love with Nick that it actually already hurts. Or that he loses his mind.
Disclaimer: Jerry stills owns CSI, CSB still screws it up occasionally and all the other blahblahblah applies. I don't own anything about that and basically it is just a nice little hobby that I enjoy.
A/N's: Massive thanks to nyctophobia76 who did the beta and did an awesome job. This was writen as a one shot, and so far is just a one shot although the end is kinda open. If the mood strikes me ever again I might write a follow up. Maybe. But for now, a one shot. Mainly from Greg's POV.

Comments are much appreciated and critique is definitely welcome.



He’d been in love with both girls and guys before. He knew love at first sight, second sight and being in love with your best friend. Secret crushes and open relationships, he had done all of it, and thought by now, he had experienced every way love could get to you, but this was something completely new. Being in love with Nick was different than anything he ever had experienced. It was hard to explain, if he could explain it at all, but it had been different since their first meeting. Greg’s first day, nothing really interesting, until he met him. It might have been the first time he’d ever been speechless, but it wouldn’t be the last one.
The sparks were visible to everyone with a pair of working eyes in their head, except Nick as it seemed. Greg flirted shamelessly, trying to get his point across, making his interest obvious, but everything was lost on Nick. Nothing, no reaction, no flirting back, nothing at all.

Greg looked for hints, which might indicate that Nick might have any interest in guys at all, maybe not Greg at that moment, but guys in general. And couldn’t find one.

And then, one day, it suddenly happened. Nick flirted back, and they developed that sort of banter he never had with anyone before. It was so easy to talk to Nick, to make jokes and to make the other man laugh. Greg didn’t know what caused that sudden change but wasn’t about to ask or find out about it either. Because he wanted to enjoy it as long as it lasted. And how would you ask someone like Nick about things like that anyway? You couldn’t really ask him ‘Hey Nick, how come you ignore all my flirting attempts for years and suddenly flirt back?’

No, Greg could already see Nick’s face when being asked that question. With his luck Nick might not even know that he was flirting with Greg, that he gave the other man signals.

One look into Greg’s eyes and he forgot about the world. One smile from Nick directed at him - at least he liked the idea that it was directed at him - and nothing did matter any more.

He knew everything was lost when Kristy stepped into Nick’s life. It wasn’t like he was all over her and the two of them weren’t dating, but Greg could clearly see that Nick was interested. And who would blame him? Even Greg had to admit she looked good.

And what gay guy would hook up with a hooker? Maybe one who wanted to cover up that he was gay? Or maybe … and no, what was he thinking? This was none of his business and he shouldn’t think about it. He would never find out Nick’s motives anyway.

It wasn’t like Greg had become a loner, like of these people who never got out anymore, never dated anyone anymore, just thought about their One and fantasized about him, but all his dates ended before they even really started. They all were too small, too different, too blonde, too tanned, not tanned enough, not Nick enough. He wasn’t a stalker, just… obsessed.

He liked to think about how a date with Nick might be like. What they would do. And he came up with a fantasy that was so far away from reality even he had to laugh about it.

Back in high school, his best friend, Judith, had always said that there are three types of people, the ones you want to date, the ones that want to date you, and the ones you end up with. The ones you want to date are usually out of your league, the ones who want to date you are the ones that you are not interested in and the ones you end up with are just a weak version of the ones you actually want.

Nick clearly was one of these who fit in the first category. Unfortunately.

When Nick was accused of killing Kristy, Greg saw Nick vulnerable for the first time ever. There had been another incident when he seemed weak and vulnerable, a few weeks later, with Catherine, but no one ever found out why. They suspected it had something to do with the case, the death of a teenager, and their prime suspect, his therapist.

Up to this point Nick had always been this strong, tough co-worker and out of a sudden it was like there was a vulnerable Nick all the time. Not that this was a bad thing, cause this job could get easily to you. But it was like suddenly all these incidents happened, and Greg started seeing Nick with different eyes.

And then there was Nick’s stalker. A guy who was obsessed with several people and spied on them, followed them around. Hurt them hurt Nick.
Everyone was shocked and hoped Nick would get over it soon, but Greg… for him it was more than just shock. He felt for Nick, wanted to be there, wanted to help him, but he felt so helpless, like never in his life before. Because what could he do other than offer support and someone to talk to? So that’s what he did. He offered Nick the chance to talk about it, have someone who would help him get through this.

His heart stopped beating for the first time was when Nick signed ‘I love you’ towards Greg. Did he mean it? Was it just an accident? Did he want to actually sign ‘Rock on’? In the end, it didn’t matter, really. Of course it would have been awesome if Nick really knew what he had signed, but Greg would never be able to know whether or not Nick knew what he just ‘said’.

The day his heart stopped beating for the second time was a few year later, when someone kidnapped Nick just to bury him alive in some Plexiglas and mess with the CSI’s.

Until then he had tried a lot of ways to get Nick’s attention, or to be at least a bit closer to Nick. His idea of getting out of the lab and into the field, to become a CSI was not entirely driven by his desire to do something new, to aim higher. He also saw it as a chance to maybe show Nick ‘I can be more than people might think,’ and it also was a way to prove to people that he wasn’t just a lab rat, who happened to be incredible smart. There were people who doubted that he would be allowed out of the lab or make it more than a few weeks in the field. And maybe there had been a few moments where he doubted his decision to become a CSI, but there also were these moments that he finally had found something that challenged him. Of course, he did spend more time with Nick, in the beginning at least, but soon he was paired up with one of the others more often.

When they got Nick back alive, he swore to himself that he would tell Nick, would tell him everything about him being in love with him, or maybe make a subtle comment to find out if the older man would maybe feel the same. But there never had been the right moment. At the hospital he always had been surrounded by someone, and Greg didn’t want to tell Nick in front of Catherine or Sara, or even worse, Warrick. Then there were Nick’s parents who refused to leave their son alone. Even three weeks after the incident, they still were around. And after his parents eventually had left, Greg had heard that they wanted to make sure their son was okay every day.

There was a short moment right after the lab had blown up, and he was injured that he thought Nick was about to tell him something, something that was important to him and maybe bothered him. He saw Nick walking up and down the hallway in front of his room in the hospital, pacing, seeming nervous, but he never made it inside the room. He was there for a brief moment right after it had happened, but after that? There was no visit. The others always told Greg that Nick did send his regards, but maybe that also could have been a gesture of politeness.

And he would be lying when saying it didn’t hurt. After all he always thought they were friends. And friends do visit each other in hospital, right? Even Bobby, Jacqui and Henry came by. But Nick never showed. And lets not forget he could have died. This could have ended badly, worse than just him flying through the glass wall and having a few cuts, bruises and a minor smoke poisoning, as well as the second-degree burns and there was also a lot of worry about them being infected.

When Greg was released a week or so later he of course was disappointed. There wasn’t even a call or a card. Sure, Nick probably didn’t feel the same for Greg as Greg did for Nick, but still… Did that mean there shouldn’t be any sort of contact or at least a gesture or friendship.

The fact that Greg didn’t really speak much with Nick the weeks following him leaving the hospital was more a co-incidence than planned. Greg just spent a lot of time thinking whether their friendship really was what it seemed to him.

What no one actually knew was that the incident with lab left Greg with some ‘spillover’. He usually managed to hide his hands when they started shaking. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to notice, and inform Grissom or Eckley. He didn’t want anyone to make a fuss about it; he knew he could control it. He might have lost control over his feelings for Nick, but he could definitely gain control about his hands. He knew he just needed time to figure out how.

And when he was disappointed in Nick for not showing some sort of concern, he forgot about it that morning after shift when Greg had thought anyone else had already left. Nick appeared in the locker room, sitting down next to Greg and without any warning, he told Greg he had noticed it, he had seen Greg’s hands shaking . Greg was shocked that Nick actually noticed in the first place. He realized that Nick must have at least have watched him to figure this one out.

Greg asked how Nick had noticed and when and Nick’s answer was so simple and yet confusing for Greg.

“Because I care about you.”

And it made Greg hope again, maybe too much, but he didn’t care. All that counted in that moment was that Nick had noticed, and that he cared.

Of course Greg made Nick promise to not tell anyone, told him that he could fix this problem as long as Nick wouldn’t say a word to Grissom or anyone. And Nick never told a soul.

There had been times when he was so caught up in Nick, so lost in Nick that Catherine would catch his stares and return them with some of her own. It was something that was beyond him. Something he couldn’t fight and never had experienced before. Usually, he always was in control over his feelings. Always had been, but with Nick it was different. He had lost control.

He should have gotten worried when he started dreaming of Nick, night after night. Or when being insomnia because of him as well. But strangely he wasn’t. He knew it wasn’t normal, but he also knew there wasn’t anything he could do. Nick was like a toxin he couldn’t get out of his blood. Not that Nick itself was bad for Greg, just the things Nick did to him without even knowing about it. Nick was the first thing he thought about when waking up and the last thing on his mind when he went to bed.

He had never been optimistic enough to actually think anything would happen someday, that they would get together. He always waited for the moment when Nick would meet someone, someone who wasn’t Greg. But when the moment really came, it hit Greg, really hard and actually unexpected. One day, Nick came in to present his new girl to everyone)

Her name was Lauren, and whatever he tried, he just couldn’t like her. He tried to avoid her on every occasion, because he knew when he would see her he would be in misery and confronted with what he wanted, but never would get. He didn’t hate her though. After all it wasn’t her fault that Nick was not interested in Greg. Or maybe even any guy at all. She was just happened to be female, blonde and good looking.

He knew that they had meet back in Texas, last Thanksgiving. She was the daughter of one of Nick’s dad’s friends and that was how they knew each other. Or something like that.

Before Lauren, Greg rarely saw Nick outside of work. But now it seemed like he was everywhere, when he went shopping, or was just out for food. He even met them going clubbing once. It was like all of a sudden, they were everywhere.

There was a moment when Greg considered leaving Vegas for good. He wasn’t the type of person to run away from things, but this… this was beyond him. He was so deep in it, so lost in Nick that he couldn’t even think straight any longer. It was something he never had experienced and hoped never would experience again. He didn’t know this side of himself, didn’t know something like this could happen to him.

Whenever there had been some of these really cheesy songs on the radio, when someone sung about being deeply in love and lost, he always had to laugh, never imagined something like that would really exist. But now he knew better.

Greg had caught himself occasionally staring at Nick, not just looking at him, but really staring at him for what seemed hours, losing himself in fantasies. It wouldn’t have been that bad if he wasn’t caught almost every single time.

He usually would brush whoever caught him off by saying he was just lost in thought about something completely different, like the movie he had seen last night or a song he had heard and couldn’t remember the name of. His explanations were of course kinda weak, but no one ever asked any further. So maybe they worked. For now.

Soon he heard the news, heard about their engagement, and didn’t know what he was supposed to do now. Of course he told Nick that he was happy for him, after all he was his friend. Maybe in love with him, but still his friend. And the fact that Nick would get married now, to someone who wasn’t Greg did hurt him, but there was nothing he could do. Because he couldn’t really go and tell Nick that he was in love with him, could he?

So the weeks went by, the wedding was planned, and Greg learned to live with it. He still thought about leaving Vegas every now and then, but always reminded himself that he was actually happy here, had friends, a job he loved and finally he was where he wanted to be. A CSI who was respected and accepted by his colleagues. So he definitely wouldn’t give this up, just because he was massively in love with another guy who seemed to be oblivious to this.

When he heard the news, it was like everything was perfect again. Catherine was the first who told him about Nick and Lauren’s split up. And he knew it was wrong of him to be happy about something like that, but he couldn’t be bothered.

There was a day shortly after Greg had heard about Nick’s and Lauren’s end when he saw Nick sitting in the break room, looking like he was thinking really hard about something, looking tense and not very pleased with whatever it was and maybe it was just a hallucination that Greg thought he saw Nick smiling briefly, when he saw Greg walking into the room.

“Hey, heard about you and the girl. How you doing?” Greg asked, and avoided saying her name, like he had so many times before.”) She was always just ‘the girl’.

“Well, I’m okay. Nothing major. Nothing to get all sentimental about. We ended it on good terms.”

“Meaning: you will never see or hear from each other again, and if you should happen to meet the other one on the street, you will just ignore them?” Greg asked jokingly.

Nick gave Greg a smile, before turning his attention back to the coffee mug in his hands.

Greg saw a sudden nervousness being written all over Nick’s face, but before he could ask or think about it any further Grissom stepped into the room, assigning them to their cases.

It wasn’t until late after shift when Greg came back from the scene and actually didn’t really expect anyone from nightshift to be around. He was surprised to find Nick in the locker room, getting ready to leaving as well. He liked moments like this, being alone with Nick in the locker room. Just him and Nick and no on else anywhere close. He liked the comfortable silence that fell between them eventually after having chatted about cases they were on.

But what he liked most was actually when they were having their breakfast after shift with the rest of the team, because then Greg could spent all morning watching Nick closely without looking suspicious and spacing out occasionally. Except one of his colleagues caught him absent minded. When he could study Nick’s lips opening slightly before they touched the coffee mug, how incredible hot he looked right before be bite into a doughnut and how cute it was when there were little crumbs left from said pastry. At these moments he wished he could just lean over and stroke them away, touching Nick’s lightly tanned face.

****

There had been a few cases that kept always one of them busy and made sure that they had to work double or triple shifts. They barely saw each other at all, and Greg’s motivation for telling Nick about his feeling sunk more and more with each passing day. Until the day when he actually could have told Nick, but didn’t, because by now he was back to his old self, being scared by the other man’s reaction and probable rejection which would make their carefully built up friendship would come to a sudden end.

When they were forced to leave Vegas for a case involving the murder of a family and the disappearance of a little girl, Greg saw a new chance given to maybe make a move. But the fact that Nick was possessed by the idea that the girl that everyone thought would be dead by now, was actually alive was not helpful, because Nick was searching, looking at evidence day and night and barely slept. This was the first time that Greg thought about giving up on Nick since it was clearly that Nick would never be so obsessed with him that he was with the case. He also started doubting in Nick. He thought the girl was dead as well and that Nick was just clinging to the idea that the girl was alive for whatever reason. Maybe sometimes he was just too much of an optimist.

When they ended up finding the girl alive, he felt guilty. He didn’t particularly think that Nick had lost it, but there were moments when he found himself wondering if Nick might not be a bit too obsessed with the idea of finding the little girl alive. All of the evidence led to the conclusion that she wouldn’t be alive. And still, Nick had believed they could find her.

And that moment Greg fell in love with Nick even more. Because of his passion and the fact that he stood up for his beliefs and ideas.

Nevertheless, he decided on avoiding Nick, as it got more and more obvious to him that his little crush on Nick had become a problem by now. Every night he would wake up, clothes soaked in sweat, having dreamt about Nick. The older man had become a regular in Greg’s fantasies he used to bring himself off and he was just waiting for the day when he had to run to the men’s room, during shift, needing to get off because Nick had touched him accidently, or smiled at him. He wasn’t a teenage schoolgirl that would start screaming like mad when their crush did smile at them, that much was for sure, but he wasn’t far away from that any longer either. Something had to happen, and it had to happen soon.

Comments

[mangojunkie.livejournal.com]

Of course Nick is to blame, for everythig =)

I thik you are the first perso who said out loud that you don't want a sequel and I love you for that since I am somehow thinkig the same. But originally it was intended to be a three-chapter (or three part fic. One POV of Greg, one of Nick about the same events and some explaations and one in which they finally get together)

OMG you noticed. I actually wated to add the eppy with Kristy, but couldn't remember for gad's sake what the title was, so I left it open, to add it a few momets later whe I would have found out, but forgot. And then when I reread it a few days later I noticed, but thought no one else would care, so I left it. And I also noticed that I actualy forgot Fannysmacking. But that just on a sidenote.
I regards of the kidapping and then jumping back to Lab explosion, that is just how my mind works. I had 'the first time my heart stopped' and wated to add the second time immideatly but also was aware of the lab explosion needed to be in there somehow. In the original version it is actually eve worse. I start with the kidnappig, go back to lab and return like a few paragraphs before the end back to kidnapping.
I know that certain people hate that 'older man/younger man' but I also hate when you use the names too often. So that is basically more for my sake than anything else.
And I will change the little spelling mistakes.

To be honest *and I know I will sounds arrogant now*but I thik this is my best work ever and the style is very different from my usual pieces and just that alone and the fact that I persoally think this piece is great, I most likely won't post a sequel, because I would be just too scared that the sequel wouldn't even get close to match the quality of this piece and I don't want to ruin this one by posting a follow up that isn't written in at least the smae high quiality. And OMG, do I sound arrogant now.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

...I also hate when you use the names too often

It's the eternal dilemma when writing about two men in a relationship, it's probably easier when you can use he/she :)

Hey, being proud of your own work does NOT make you arrogant (you say that like it's a bad thing;) You are completely justified in wanting to savour this feeling. I hope it inspires you to try different stuff more often:)