Fic: Dig the Hole Wide and Deep (27/28)
Dec. 5th, 2007 05:48 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
jayceepat.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
nickngregTitle: Dig the Hole Wide and Deep
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Warnings: Descriptions of child molestation.
Summary: Nick tells the tale.
Spoilers: None
A/N: This is a sequel to ‘Putting Down Roots’ which you can find
here
Previous parts of this story can be found here
Alan had called Greg to set up a meeting the following day sometime after Greg woke up but that was shot down almost before Alan got through talking. Greg could not, would not wait that long. He was ready to drive down to the clinic right then and there but Alan finally got a word in edgewise and told him that he was springing Nick from the clinic and they would meet in his office in Las Vegas. If Greg absolutely could not wait, they would meet the next morning in his office when Greg got off work.
That meant they had to get their butts in gear and drive to LV right then instead of getting a good nights sleep and leaving the next morning. It rushed everyone a little because Alan had to do a check on all his patients and Nick had to pack a bag for the first time in six months and go spend some time with Brady. He told Alan the poor kid had put up with enough adults just disappearing out of his life; he was not going to be one of them. He was still with Brady when Alan showed up. They both assured him that Nick was just going on an overnight trip and that yes he was going to be leaving the clinic but that did not mean he was going to be leaving Brady. Nick had become very fond of the poor little rich kid and was determined to try to be his friend and give him someone/something he could depend on.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nick was equal parts scared and excited about getting out of the clinic and seeing Greg again on their home turf. He and Alan were going to spend the evening/night together. For both of them it would be a strange transition from doctor/patient to two new friends trying to figure out how to act around each other. Usually, you get to know someone through common interests and it takes time to get to the point where trust builds enough to accept them into your life as a friend. With these two, the trust came before they even knew if they had any common interests.
Alan offered to take Nick out but he was afraid he might be seen by some of his co-workers and was just a little nervous about being out in crowds again after being sequestered for six solid months.
Alan had called Marie from the clinic before they left and by the time they got there, she was at Alan’s and had the guest room prepared and was in the kitchen stirring up some smells that made Nick think of home so much he almost had tears in his eyes. Of course, Alan said he had them too but that was just from the peppers that Marie seemed to put in everything including ice cream.
Have I mentioned that Marie is Mexican, pretty as a picture and more than able to handle Dr. Perkins and his odd lot of patients?
“You scoff but I notice you consume anything and everything I prepare for you and usually complain that there is not more. Hello Nick, it is so wonderful to see you somewhere other than the clinic. Do you think you could stand some chili rellanjo’s with menudo as the first course?”
“Oh my god; I swear I would marry you if he hadn’t just spent the last six months convincing me I’m gay. Now I know why; he wants to keep you hidden in his kitchen.” It had been a long while since Nick had flirted with a pretty woman. Gay or straight; the dance of invitation is always a wonderful way to spend one’s time.
“Nick, believe me NO ONE keeps Marie anyplace she does not want to be. She is the most irritating woman I’ve ever had to deal with and I would fire her in an instant if I thought I could ever find anything in my office again.” He glared at the lovely woman moving serenely about his kitchen as though she owned it, “I suppose this means you’ve already decided we aren’t going out to dinner. What would you have done if we’d wanted to spend the evening trolling the strip joints?”
Marie smiled at him and Nick swore he could hear her voice saying “Silly Man” but her lips didn’t move so he knew it was unspoken but very obvious. “Why, I would have simply packaged it up and taken it to St. Guadalupe’s Food Kitchen. They would appreciate my cooking even if you do not seem to have the good sense to do so.”
Nick saw a chance of losing his excellent meal and since he was already in full drool, he quickly told Marie, he was staying there and eating with her no matter what Alan decided to do.
The three of them had a wonderful dinner and Nick found that either Alan was completely different when not in ‘doctor’ mode or else, Marie just made him funny. He went to bed with hope in his heart and the sound of laughter in his memory.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nick and Alan got to his office at 8:15 and found that Marie was there ahead of them. There was fresh coffee and one plate full of fruit and another loaded with warm, fragrant pastries that made Nick’s mouth water; which was kind of funny since he’d sworn he wouldn’t be able to eat a bite for days after last night’s truly memorable dinner. Marie allowed them to fix a cup of coffee but forbid them to get into the fruit or pastries until Greg got there. At 8:45 he came bouncing into the office; his hair was curling all over his head and though he had tried to smooth it down into some semblance of order, it was pretty apparent it was still damp and he must have dashed home, showered, changed and broke all speed limits getting there. Marie allowed them to enter the inner sanctum where she had the smaller round table in Alan’s office set up for an impromptu brunch. She sat with the three men while they ate the light breakfast she’d prepared for them. Nick was worried. Greg seemed happy to see him but he had not hugged Nick or touched him; he hadn’t even shook his hand for God’s sake and now he was sitting across from Nick with Alan and Marie between them. He had embraced Marie and kissed her on the cheek and gotten a warm, almost loving embrace in return with a return kiss. He’d been enveloped in a bear hug by Alan and from the way he threw his arms around the doctor and hugged him back, it was pretty obvious the hug was nothing new. Nick could feel his hopes dropping fast.
It seemed to Nick as though he had just poured his second cup of coffee and reached for a fresh, warm Danish but Marie was up now, clearing things off the table and the next thing he knew, she had left the room with a final good bye and the remark that the phones were turned off and she would see they were not disturbed. Nick was front and center stage and he was so scared his hands were trembling. They were still seated at the round table with coffee and water. Marie had left some of the fruit and the few remaining goodies. Nick took a sip of his water and tried to compose himself.
“Nick, do you want me to start your breathing exercises?” Alan knew this was not going to be easy for his almost ex-patient.
“No, I’m never going to close my eyes to what I am or what I’m doing again and I might as well start here and now. But thanks for the thought.” Nick smiled at his doctor; his friend. He looked at Greg. How had he not known this man was the love of his life? Why couldn’t he realize what he had before he spoiled it and what if he’d spoiled it forever? No matter what, Greg deserved to hear everything that caused his harsh treatment at the hands of the man who made him think he was in it for the long haul. Nick took one last sip of water, one last deep breath and began.
“You know I come from a large family. Will, that’s William Jr. was the first-born and I guess everyone was out of their minds with joy when he turned out to be a boy. Then the girls started coming. One after another until there were five and I’m told that’s when my daddy said he didn’t need an anvil to fall on his head. He got the message, Will was the only boy and he was pretty happy with his five gorgeous girls and one son. You can imagine how stunned everyone was when not only did I show up but Lordy, Lordy another son.
There was fifteen years between Will and me but I’m told he was thrilled to have a brother no matter what the age difference. The family albums are loaded with pictures of him carrying me around in his arms and then on his hip and finally on his back. He put me on a horse when I was three. He had me riding with the vaquero’s on Grandpa Vickers ranch by the time I was five. Yeah, all the money was on Mama’s side of the family and they weren’t too happy when she took up with William Stokes; but the babies and the fact that daddy was a hard working, church going man began to soothe things over. By the time I came along, Grandpa and Grandma Vickers were a constant part of our lives.”
“I had the kind of childhood you only hear about in books. I was loved, coddled, spoiled, pampered within an inch of my life BUT I was also picked on and just smothered by 5 sisters, one mom and Lupe our housekeeper. She came to us right after Will was born and by the time I came along, I think they would have got rid of one of us before Mom and Dad would give up Lupe. She was just another female who loved me, spoiled me, spanked me and kept me under her thumb. Dad was never there. He was working night and day to support his ever growing family and make a name for himself in the Texas Justice system. That wasn’t easy. The Texas Judicial system was completely political and one of the nastiest arena’s in the US. It didn’t help that daddy was an honest man. That turned out to be his entry into the system. He won his first election because the big boys didn’t think he had a china man’s chance in hell to win anything so they ignored him. The only people who paid him any attention were the folks who listened to what he had to say about the way things were being done and how wrong they were; they listened and then they voted. All he needed was one foot in the door and he was on his way.”
“When I was six, I had a short stay in the hospital.” Nick looked up at Greg finally. His eyes were fastened on Nick and he hadn’t moved except to breathe since Nick had started. “Greg, Alan thinks that visit may have had some influence on what eventually happened to me, well at least part of what happened to me. I wasn’t in there long but I was on medication for months after I got out.”
“I guess it was just a year after that Will had to drop out of school for a month. He actually did have mono which was what they thought I had when I was hospitalized. He was home and in bed for a month and I’m ashamed to say I was thrilled. I knew I was loved, God I knew it but I was surrounded by females. I wanted, I guess I needed a male around. I was so happy to have him home I tried to crawl in bed with him and they wouldn’t let me. Finally they allowed me to get up on the foot of his bed with both of us wearing these stupid little masks on our faces. To amuse himself and to pass the time, Will decided to start me on an exercise program. I wasn’t growing as fast as everyone else in the family had. The door jambs in the kitchen and pantry and back porch were full of markings and notations for every member of the family and it was obvious that I was not as tall as the other six Stokes had been at my age. Our family doctor thought it might be a side effect of the Acquired Hypothyroidism I’d been diagnosed with the prior year. Will was determined that if I wasn’t going to be six feet like everyone else, I was still going to be strong and healthy and able to hold my own against anything.”
“He planned out this whole program and to keep him happy, Daddy and Grandpa bought this whole set of exercise equipment. By then, Will was allowed to get out of bed and sit in a chair for short periods so I was willing to go along with it because it meant he was sitting right there with me the whole time. The first time Will got out of that chair and came over and put his hands on my shoulders and showed me how I was supposed to be moving my arms I was hooked. His hands felt wonderful; so different from the soft touches I got from all the women in the house. These touches were firm and the hands were strong and knew how to move me into the positions he wanted.”
Nick looked at first Alan and then Greg. “I know you may be thinking I was fixating on my brother. I really wasn’t. I loved Will then and I do now but it was strictly a little boy’s hero worship of the big brother he wished was always there to teach him and take care of him. I know the difference now and I’m pretty sure I knew the difference then between what was appropriate and what wasn’t.” Both men nodded their understanding and waited silently for him to continue.
“By the time Will was well enough to go back to school, I had learned to enjoy the exercises for the simple sake of making my body bend to my will and I had also learned Will’s attitude which was if it’s easy, make it harder. I still work out with that as my primary rule to this day. If I find that I can curl 50lbs with out raising a sweat, I increase it to 55 lbs. I didn’t know it then but Will was teaching me more than just how to do simple strength exercises; he was really giving me a rule for life. If it’s too easy, add some weight or difficulty; it’s the only way to keep growing in your job or your personal life.”
“I’m guessing that the exercises were the main reason I never seemed to hit that gawky stage that so many of my friends did. I was always pretty coordinated and I was a hit with all the coaches which fed my need for male companionship and contact. Up till then, the only male hands I’d ever felt on my body were Will and my doctor. My dad was not a hugger, at least I don’t think he was then; he just was never there. My Grandpa was from the old school that men didn’t touch men. I spent a lot of time with the vaquero’s but they would have cut off their own hands before they laid a finger on the Patron’s grandson. There was a sort of funny side to that. They didn’t touch me or hug me but man did they give me an education in street language, Spanish cuss words and I think they taught me every single dirty word for a man or a woman’s parts in existence at that time. It was pretty funny really. That was a time when Mom or my sisters would still say pee-pee when they referred to a man’s penis while I of course was thinking dick, cock or prick in my head. You understand, they would never say that in front of me or any other male. But being the baby in a house full of women, they got to where they regarded me as one of their toys and they would say a lot of things not even realizing I was within ear shot.”
“By the time I got up to my tenth birthday, I was popular in school, played on any and every sports team we had and was getting my ‘male’ fix from my coaches and my teammates. You know it’s one of the oddities of American life that jocks who are notoriously hard on gays are constantly touching each other. We showered together in one big community shower. We were constantly putting our hands on each other’s butts. Half the time when I was getting ready to receive a ball in the line-up I could feel my guys hands practically pressed up against my balls. It was the strangest thing and I guess the strangest thing of all was that I never thought it was strange. I just enjoyed the male contact. Then, I got a call from Will. He was taking a week off and coming home to be with me for my tenth birthday. I was walking on air.”
Nick stopped to take a drink but was surprised to find his water bottle was empty. Alan suggested they take a ten minute break, go to the bathroom and replenish their water, coffee or whatever. Greg asked if they could move over to the comfortable club chairs, he was getting a little stiff from sitting in the dining chairs.
When everyone was settled in their new positions, Nick was pleased to see that Greg was sitting right beside him and Alan had settled in his comfortable office chair. Greg was still not touching Nick but at least he was next to him now. Nick took a sip of water and picked his story.
“I was so happy and the first night home was something I can’t hardly describe it was so good. Will grabbed me the minute he got out of the truck and hugged me so hard I know I turned red and I didn’t care one bit. I was practically on top of him all evening and after dinner, he went up to my room with me and we played cards until Mom came and said I had to go to bed. I had begged and pleaded to be allowed to stay home from school the next day but no one but me seemed to realize this should have been declared a national holiday. Will just messed up my hair and told me not to whine. ‘Suck it up, Nick’ he said. That was his favorite expression. ‘Suck it up’. I’ll spend tomorrow with Mom and the girls and the horses and then we’ll have Friday, Saturday and Sunday to celebrate your birthday and get over the celebration. I’ve got to go back to work on Monday but we have three great days to spend together helping you turn ten. I asked if he would stay in my room and wait until I got ready for bed. He said sure and Mom left saying she would let us men finish our talk.”
“I was so used to being around all my teammates, when I came out of the bathroom, I didn’t have any clothes on and I was drying myself off on the towel. I snapped Will with the towel and he laughed at me but when I dropped the towel on the floor, he stopped laughing. He just stared at me and finally said, ‘Good God, Nick. You’re a lot more grown up than I thought you would be.‘ I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about and I looked down at myself. I looked the same to me except for the patch of dark hair growing in around my dick and the fact that I had to sort of arrange myself now when I put on my jock cup because I seemed to be bigger than my cup and something was always spilling over. That had just happened in the last few months but I was used to it and it never occurred to me that the last time Will had seen me, I’d still been smooth like a baby. I finally decided it was just because he hadn’t seen me for a while and told him ‘Nah, I was growing but not nearly as fast as the rest of them and Doc Hopkins had told me he was pretty sure I was not going to make the Stokes six foot mark.’ I was a little sad, every guy wants to be tall and strong but since I couldn’t be tall well at least I sure was strong.”
“I got into bed, Will came over and hugged me tight and said good night. I had no idea that would be the last happy time I would have with my brother. When I got home from school the next day, everything had changed. All my sisters were there and Barbara, my oldest had brought one of her sorority sisters over. Will didn’t even notice I was home. He didn’t see anyone else in the world except Julie Ann. He just barely said hello to me and before I knew it, he and Barbara and Julie Ann were gone off to a party. I tried to wait up for him but fell asleep somewhere around 2.00am. The next day, I went to his room but he was downstairs on the phone talking to Julie Ann. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat thinking Will would come in and have breakfast with me. After all it was Friday, the first of my three day celebration. He never came to breakfast. I heard a truck pull up out front and then the door slam. A while later I went looking for him, but he was not in the house. One of my other sisters said he went horse back riding with Julie Ann. It just got worse and worse from that moment on. I never again saw him alone; he was always with Julie Ann. Friday Night I was so angry I went upstairs to his room and threw myself down on his bed. I was halfway thinking about trashing his room but I figured he was only using it to change clothes so he could go somewhere else with Julie Ann and wouldn’t even notice. I threw one of his pillows on the floor. There was a magazine under his pillows. I pulled it out and looked at the cover. There was a picture of a naked woman with the biggest tit’s I’d ever seen. She was sprawled on her back and her legs were open and she had her fingers down there touching herself. I felt hot and sick and itchy all at the same time. I’d never ever seen anything like that. The vaquero’s might talk dirty but they would have died before they let me see filth like that. I threw the nasty thing across the room and just folded up into a ball and tried to figure out what happened to my brother. Why would he bring dirt like that into our house. I couldn’t make sense of it and I was getting sick to my stomach.”
“I decided to go to my own room but I realized I needed to touch the nasty thing one more time to put it back under the pillows and put the pillow back on the bed. When I went over to pick it up, it had fallen open to what I guess was the centerfold. It was the same woman only this time there was a man with her. He was naked and he had the biggest pee-pee I’d ever seen. It was large and shiny and it had some sort of stuff dripping from the end of it. I didn’t even realize I’d called it a pee-pee in my head but I knew I was seeing what the vaquero’s would call a dick or a cock. I just froze. I couldn’t take my eyes off the thing. I was still hot but I wasn’t sick any more. I did feel something really low in my stomach, almost below my stomach. I wanted to touch the thing even if it was a picture. I wondered what it would feel like to touch the real thing. Then my mom called me from right out in the hall. I almost jumped across the room and stuffed the magazine back under the pillows.”
“Mom was calling me to dinner which again was just her, me and whichever of the girls happened to be around. Dad was still working so he could take Saturday and Sunday off and of course Will was out with…you guessed it….Julie Ann. After everyone had gone to bed, I sneaked back down the hall and into his room. I pulled the magazine out and looked at the picture of the man again. I didn’t even notice the woman was in the same picture. I could only see him and if I were honest, I have no idea what he looked like; I was just looking at his cock. I finally got myself back to bed and tried to sleep but God I had strange dreams.”
Nick briefly put his head in his hands and stopped talking for a moment. Alan asked him if he needed another break. He said no, the worst was ahead and he needed to get it over with. He just needed a minute to get himself together. He almost jumped out of his chair when he felt Greg’s hand on his arm. He looked up at his friend, his once partner. Greg was looking at him with almost no expression on his face at all. Thank God it wasn’t pity. Nick really did not want to see pity on Greg’s face. Greg smiled at him and slid his hand down until he slipped it under Nick’s. He laced their fingers together the way he used to and just waited for Nick to go on. The warm, familiar touch calmed him at once.
“Saturday was even worse than Friday. Mom and Dad had this political dinner they had to attend. It had been planned for weeks and it would be his introduction to the upper level of political bosses. It could easily make him or break him. Not attending was not an option. Before Will came home, there were no problems at all. He was going to stay with me but now, he’d been invited to a big swanky affair at the country club to meet Julie Ann’s folks. No one was available to stay with me; not even Lupe. I kept saying I could stay by myself but Mom wouldn’t even listen to the idea. Finally Julie Ann called one of her sorority sisters. She had a younger sister who baby sat and if she was available, she had references. Of course she was available; anything for Julie Ann. It was settled and I was pissed. She might be the greatest thing since sliced bread when it came to taking care of kids but I was going to make her life miserable. God how could I have been so wrong or so stupid.”
“Things started out okay. She tried to be pleasant, I was an ass. She offered to play games with me, I watched TV. She went to the kitchen to fix my dinner and even was going to let me eat in the living room on a TV tray. I had to get smart and grabbed the plate off the tray and sat down on the floor with it. I spilled it and food went all over the floor. She lost it then and yelled at me to go upstairs to my room. She would deal with me after she cleaned up my messes. I remember she yelled at me, ‘You’re old enough not to make a mess with food on the floor. What’s wrong with you? Are you a stupid retard or don’t you care about other peoples stuff?” Greg jerked violently when Nick repeated the baby’s sitter’s words. Nick turned to him and said, “Sounds familiar doesn’t it babe? How many times did I throw those same cold, cruel words at you?” Nick waited for Greg to remove his hand but he swallowed, shook himself, folded his hand back around Nick’s and told him to go on.
“I went upstairs but I didn’t go to my room, I went to Will’s. I grabbed the magazine and turned to the guy. I imagined I was in the picture with him. That he was there and would keep her away from me. I was concentrating so hard on what he would feel like if I touched him, I never noticed she had come upstairs until she swept into Will’s room. She was standing over me before I knew it. She grabbed the magazine out of my hand and her face went white then red when she saw the picture of the naked couple. She looked at me with this strange look on her face and she said, ‘You disgusting sex-freak. How old are you anyway? You’re disgusting peeking at things you shouldn’t. You need to be punished, you need to really be hurt for spilling your food all over the living room carpet and then you leave me down there to clean up your messes while you’re up here thinking about sticking your pee-pee into something warm and wet. That’s how women get raped because of sex-nuts, sex-freaks like you. But I bet if I tell your folks they won’t punish you the way you should be; oh no; they’ll let you get away with it and then you’ll just do dirtier and dirtier things. I’m going to punish you. I’m going to give you just what you deserve.”
“She reached down and jerked my belt out of my jeans before I ever realized what she was doing. She flipped me over on the bed and wrapped the belt around my wrists and fastened it tight around them. I was laying on my stomach with my face in the pillows and I turned my head so I could breathe. I told her she was crazy, to let me go but she just kept on talking about punishing me the way I deserved and she’d teach me to spill food all over the carpet and make her clean it up. She reached over and pulled Wills night stand open. She pulled out a pair of scissors he kept in there and for one minute I thought she was going to stab me with them but instead, she cut my t-shirt off. Then she twisted me over on my side and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them and my shorts off. They caught on my shoes and I thought maybe I could kick her and run but my legs were pinned together by the jeans and she pulled my shoes off and had my pants off before I even realized what she was doing. I was completely naked in front of a stranger and I was terrified but that was nothing compared to the look that came over her face when she looked down at me and said, “Jesus Christ, you’re a physical freak too. No ten year old boy should have a woody.’ I had no idea what she was talking about and it didn’t help when she grabbed my dick hard and started rubbing back and forth on it.”
“She stopped and got quiet and if I was scared before I was terrified now. She started humming to herself. She smiled at me and said, ‘Well let’s make the punishment fit the crime and I’ll have a little fun too. She took off her clothes and I knew I was going to vomit right there on Will’s bed but I guess I made some sort of gagging sound because she bent over me and said, “You little son-of-a-bitch, don’t you even thing about puking and ruining my fun. I’ll cut your pee-pee off and shove it down your throat. We’ll just see if you bleed to death or choke first. Now shut up and be still. She climbed on top of me and started rubbing herself against me but it made me sick and I got smaller. She slapped me and got off me and went over and got the magazine. She propped up the pillows somehow so I was looking at the picture of the guy. ‘You need a little something to get you started you freak. Here it is. Now I’m going to get my fun and then I’m going to take care of you. She climbed back on top of me. I tried to not think about what she was doing and just looked at the guy in the picture. I looked at his dick and imagined I was holding it and rubbing it and we were all alone together in my room with no one else around. Finally she climbed off me. I was so sore, she had put all her weight on me and my hands were still fastened behind my back and I couldn’t feel them anymore. She looked down at me and screamed at me again that I was a sex-freak because I couldn’t get hard from her and had to look at the picture of the woman in the magazine. I almost told her it wasn’t the woman I was looking at but something told me to keep my mouth shut. I think she might have killed me if she’d know it was the guy who had gotten me hard enough for her to get me inside her. I didn’t realize I was still somewhat erect until she reached down and grabbed me and started jerking her hand back on forth on me. She was holding me too hard and pulling on it too hard and it hurt so much I thought I would cry but that was nothing compared to what she did next. She reached down and grabbed my testicles. They had started growing the last few months and I’d already known they were tender when I accidentally caught them when I sat wrong. She started squeezing them hard and I cried out and she said I was getting what I deserved that punishment was supposed to hurt. I was so close to passing out. I remember yelling at her, I’m going to tell. I’ll tell every one what you did to me and she just squeezed harder and laughed. She said, ‘You stupid little shit, guys can’t get molested or raped. Only girls can. Look at you, you’re hard right now and I think I see stuff coming out of your pee-pee. All guys want sex. You wanted me so bad you got hard to get me and you’re only ten years old. If you dare open your mouth, I’ll tell everyone what a monster, a freak you are. How would your fancy parents with their fancy dinners like having the whole town know they have a sex-freak for a kid? Nothing happened to you that you didn’t want. You were the one looking at a sex magazine instead of helping me clean up your mess.’ Then she squeezed extra hard and started rubbing me as hard and as fast as she could. I felt like my dick was going to explode and then I felt something warm and I knew she had made me bleed and I passed out.”
“It seemed like hours later when I came to. I was still in Wills room but my hands were undone, I was naked and there was some sort of sticky stuff all over my lower stomach and thighs. I remember getting up and thinking I had messed up my brothers room. I made the bed. I found a magazine on the floor and put it under the pillow. It seemed to belong there. I picked up my clothes. I never wondered why I was naked in my brother’s room. I went to my room and put my clothes in the hamper and ran the tub full of water. It was so much hotter than I was used to but it seemed to be the right thing to do. I got in the tub and my skin burned from the water and it hurt my pee-pee so bad I remember crying a few tears and then I heard this voice. It sounded like a kid but a kid older and tougher than me. It said, ‘Stop crying you little wimp. Suck it up. Take it like a man. You can’t tell anyone what happened.’ I remember sitting there wondering where the voice had come from and what I wasn’t supposed to tell. Maybe it was whatever had hurt my pee-pee so bad. I never told because I never remembered.”
Poor scared brutalized, violated young Nick did not know then that the voice would be his tormenter and protector for the next twenty-four years.
“I never told anyone, until now”
Nick was quiet. The room was quiet. No one spoke. Greg finally let out a breath he had no idea he’d been holding. He didn’t know if he was shaking or Nick but their joined hands were visibly moving.
“Guys don’t get raped, they get punished. You really didn’t know what you were doing to me. You punished me for spilling food in the living room; for not being a grown up and acting like a stupid kid but you didn’t rape me. Thank God!” Greg leaned back in his chair and rested his head on the lean back. He was shaking all over now but he didn’t let go of Nick’s hand.
Alan looked at the two men sitting in front of him. It was obvious they had gone through that whole horrible ordeal together. He wondered if that meant they finally were together.
‘Nick, are you okay? Do you need anything right now.” Alan was a little worried about his patient. He was sitting there, actually slumped there in front of him. Only a slight movement of his chest let him know he was still alive. He seemed diminished somehow; smaller almost like a child was sitting there; a small, hurt, confused child.
Nick took a deep breath and sat up straight. The child was gone. A grown man was sitting in front of Alan. A beautiful man with the saddest brown eyes he’d ever seen. He felt a completely irrational desire to go around the desk and put his arms around the man with the sad eyes and hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright now.
Nick turned to Greg and asked the question he had to know the answer to; the question he did not want to know the answer to. “Greg. Can you forgive me and give me another chance?”
Greg looked at their linked hands and then up to Nick’s sad, hopeful eyes. He sighed softly and then said the only thing he could say under the circumstances.
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Warnings: Descriptions of child molestation.
Summary: Nick tells the tale.
Spoilers: None
A/N: This is a sequel to ‘Putting Down Roots’ which you can find
here
Previous parts of this story can be found here
Alan had called Greg to set up a meeting the following day sometime after Greg woke up but that was shot down almost before Alan got through talking. Greg could not, would not wait that long. He was ready to drive down to the clinic right then and there but Alan finally got a word in edgewise and told him that he was springing Nick from the clinic and they would meet in his office in Las Vegas. If Greg absolutely could not wait, they would meet the next morning in his office when Greg got off work.
That meant they had to get their butts in gear and drive to LV right then instead of getting a good nights sleep and leaving the next morning. It rushed everyone a little because Alan had to do a check on all his patients and Nick had to pack a bag for the first time in six months and go spend some time with Brady. He told Alan the poor kid had put up with enough adults just disappearing out of his life; he was not going to be one of them. He was still with Brady when Alan showed up. They both assured him that Nick was just going on an overnight trip and that yes he was going to be leaving the clinic but that did not mean he was going to be leaving Brady. Nick had become very fond of the poor little rich kid and was determined to try to be his friend and give him someone/something he could depend on.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nick was equal parts scared and excited about getting out of the clinic and seeing Greg again on their home turf. He and Alan were going to spend the evening/night together. For both of them it would be a strange transition from doctor/patient to two new friends trying to figure out how to act around each other. Usually, you get to know someone through common interests and it takes time to get to the point where trust builds enough to accept them into your life as a friend. With these two, the trust came before they even knew if they had any common interests.
Alan offered to take Nick out but he was afraid he might be seen by some of his co-workers and was just a little nervous about being out in crowds again after being sequestered for six solid months.
Alan had called Marie from the clinic before they left and by the time they got there, she was at Alan’s and had the guest room prepared and was in the kitchen stirring up some smells that made Nick think of home so much he almost had tears in his eyes. Of course, Alan said he had them too but that was just from the peppers that Marie seemed to put in everything including ice cream.
Have I mentioned that Marie is Mexican, pretty as a picture and more than able to handle Dr. Perkins and his odd lot of patients?
“You scoff but I notice you consume anything and everything I prepare for you and usually complain that there is not more. Hello Nick, it is so wonderful to see you somewhere other than the clinic. Do you think you could stand some chili rellanjo’s with menudo as the first course?”
“Oh my god; I swear I would marry you if he hadn’t just spent the last six months convincing me I’m gay. Now I know why; he wants to keep you hidden in his kitchen.” It had been a long while since Nick had flirted with a pretty woman. Gay or straight; the dance of invitation is always a wonderful way to spend one’s time.
“Nick, believe me NO ONE keeps Marie anyplace she does not want to be. She is the most irritating woman I’ve ever had to deal with and I would fire her in an instant if I thought I could ever find anything in my office again.” He glared at the lovely woman moving serenely about his kitchen as though she owned it, “I suppose this means you’ve already decided we aren’t going out to dinner. What would you have done if we’d wanted to spend the evening trolling the strip joints?”
Marie smiled at him and Nick swore he could hear her voice saying “Silly Man” but her lips didn’t move so he knew it was unspoken but very obvious. “Why, I would have simply packaged it up and taken it to St. Guadalupe’s Food Kitchen. They would appreciate my cooking even if you do not seem to have the good sense to do so.”
Nick saw a chance of losing his excellent meal and since he was already in full drool, he quickly told Marie, he was staying there and eating with her no matter what Alan decided to do.
The three of them had a wonderful dinner and Nick found that either Alan was completely different when not in ‘doctor’ mode or else, Marie just made him funny. He went to bed with hope in his heart and the sound of laughter in his memory.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nick and Alan got to his office at 8:15 and found that Marie was there ahead of them. There was fresh coffee and one plate full of fruit and another loaded with warm, fragrant pastries that made Nick’s mouth water; which was kind of funny since he’d sworn he wouldn’t be able to eat a bite for days after last night’s truly memorable dinner. Marie allowed them to fix a cup of coffee but forbid them to get into the fruit or pastries until Greg got there. At 8:45 he came bouncing into the office; his hair was curling all over his head and though he had tried to smooth it down into some semblance of order, it was pretty apparent it was still damp and he must have dashed home, showered, changed and broke all speed limits getting there. Marie allowed them to enter the inner sanctum where she had the smaller round table in Alan’s office set up for an impromptu brunch. She sat with the three men while they ate the light breakfast she’d prepared for them. Nick was worried. Greg seemed happy to see him but he had not hugged Nick or touched him; he hadn’t even shook his hand for God’s sake and now he was sitting across from Nick with Alan and Marie between them. He had embraced Marie and kissed her on the cheek and gotten a warm, almost loving embrace in return with a return kiss. He’d been enveloped in a bear hug by Alan and from the way he threw his arms around the doctor and hugged him back, it was pretty obvious the hug was nothing new. Nick could feel his hopes dropping fast.
It seemed to Nick as though he had just poured his second cup of coffee and reached for a fresh, warm Danish but Marie was up now, clearing things off the table and the next thing he knew, she had left the room with a final good bye and the remark that the phones were turned off and she would see they were not disturbed. Nick was front and center stage and he was so scared his hands were trembling. They were still seated at the round table with coffee and water. Marie had left some of the fruit and the few remaining goodies. Nick took a sip of his water and tried to compose himself.
“Nick, do you want me to start your breathing exercises?” Alan knew this was not going to be easy for his almost ex-patient.
“No, I’m never going to close my eyes to what I am or what I’m doing again and I might as well start here and now. But thanks for the thought.” Nick smiled at his doctor; his friend. He looked at Greg. How had he not known this man was the love of his life? Why couldn’t he realize what he had before he spoiled it and what if he’d spoiled it forever? No matter what, Greg deserved to hear everything that caused his harsh treatment at the hands of the man who made him think he was in it for the long haul. Nick took one last sip of water, one last deep breath and began.
“You know I come from a large family. Will, that’s William Jr. was the first-born and I guess everyone was out of their minds with joy when he turned out to be a boy. Then the girls started coming. One after another until there were five and I’m told that’s when my daddy said he didn’t need an anvil to fall on his head. He got the message, Will was the only boy and he was pretty happy with his five gorgeous girls and one son. You can imagine how stunned everyone was when not only did I show up but Lordy, Lordy another son.
There was fifteen years between Will and me but I’m told he was thrilled to have a brother no matter what the age difference. The family albums are loaded with pictures of him carrying me around in his arms and then on his hip and finally on his back. He put me on a horse when I was three. He had me riding with the vaquero’s on Grandpa Vickers ranch by the time I was five. Yeah, all the money was on Mama’s side of the family and they weren’t too happy when she took up with William Stokes; but the babies and the fact that daddy was a hard working, church going man began to soothe things over. By the time I came along, Grandpa and Grandma Vickers were a constant part of our lives.”
“I had the kind of childhood you only hear about in books. I was loved, coddled, spoiled, pampered within an inch of my life BUT I was also picked on and just smothered by 5 sisters, one mom and Lupe our housekeeper. She came to us right after Will was born and by the time I came along, I think they would have got rid of one of us before Mom and Dad would give up Lupe. She was just another female who loved me, spoiled me, spanked me and kept me under her thumb. Dad was never there. He was working night and day to support his ever growing family and make a name for himself in the Texas Justice system. That wasn’t easy. The Texas Judicial system was completely political and one of the nastiest arena’s in the US. It didn’t help that daddy was an honest man. That turned out to be his entry into the system. He won his first election because the big boys didn’t think he had a china man’s chance in hell to win anything so they ignored him. The only people who paid him any attention were the folks who listened to what he had to say about the way things were being done and how wrong they were; they listened and then they voted. All he needed was one foot in the door and he was on his way.”
“When I was six, I had a short stay in the hospital.” Nick looked up at Greg finally. His eyes were fastened on Nick and he hadn’t moved except to breathe since Nick had started. “Greg, Alan thinks that visit may have had some influence on what eventually happened to me, well at least part of what happened to me. I wasn’t in there long but I was on medication for months after I got out.”
“I guess it was just a year after that Will had to drop out of school for a month. He actually did have mono which was what they thought I had when I was hospitalized. He was home and in bed for a month and I’m ashamed to say I was thrilled. I knew I was loved, God I knew it but I was surrounded by females. I wanted, I guess I needed a male around. I was so happy to have him home I tried to crawl in bed with him and they wouldn’t let me. Finally they allowed me to get up on the foot of his bed with both of us wearing these stupid little masks on our faces. To amuse himself and to pass the time, Will decided to start me on an exercise program. I wasn’t growing as fast as everyone else in the family had. The door jambs in the kitchen and pantry and back porch were full of markings and notations for every member of the family and it was obvious that I was not as tall as the other six Stokes had been at my age. Our family doctor thought it might be a side effect of the Acquired Hypothyroidism I’d been diagnosed with the prior year. Will was determined that if I wasn’t going to be six feet like everyone else, I was still going to be strong and healthy and able to hold my own against anything.”
“He planned out this whole program and to keep him happy, Daddy and Grandpa bought this whole set of exercise equipment. By then, Will was allowed to get out of bed and sit in a chair for short periods so I was willing to go along with it because it meant he was sitting right there with me the whole time. The first time Will got out of that chair and came over and put his hands on my shoulders and showed me how I was supposed to be moving my arms I was hooked. His hands felt wonderful; so different from the soft touches I got from all the women in the house. These touches were firm and the hands were strong and knew how to move me into the positions he wanted.”
Nick looked at first Alan and then Greg. “I know you may be thinking I was fixating on my brother. I really wasn’t. I loved Will then and I do now but it was strictly a little boy’s hero worship of the big brother he wished was always there to teach him and take care of him. I know the difference now and I’m pretty sure I knew the difference then between what was appropriate and what wasn’t.” Both men nodded their understanding and waited silently for him to continue.
“By the time Will was well enough to go back to school, I had learned to enjoy the exercises for the simple sake of making my body bend to my will and I had also learned Will’s attitude which was if it’s easy, make it harder. I still work out with that as my primary rule to this day. If I find that I can curl 50lbs with out raising a sweat, I increase it to 55 lbs. I didn’t know it then but Will was teaching me more than just how to do simple strength exercises; he was really giving me a rule for life. If it’s too easy, add some weight or difficulty; it’s the only way to keep growing in your job or your personal life.”
“I’m guessing that the exercises were the main reason I never seemed to hit that gawky stage that so many of my friends did. I was always pretty coordinated and I was a hit with all the coaches which fed my need for male companionship and contact. Up till then, the only male hands I’d ever felt on my body were Will and my doctor. My dad was not a hugger, at least I don’t think he was then; he just was never there. My Grandpa was from the old school that men didn’t touch men. I spent a lot of time with the vaquero’s but they would have cut off their own hands before they laid a finger on the Patron’s grandson. There was a sort of funny side to that. They didn’t touch me or hug me but man did they give me an education in street language, Spanish cuss words and I think they taught me every single dirty word for a man or a woman’s parts in existence at that time. It was pretty funny really. That was a time when Mom or my sisters would still say pee-pee when they referred to a man’s penis while I of course was thinking dick, cock or prick in my head. You understand, they would never say that in front of me or any other male. But being the baby in a house full of women, they got to where they regarded me as one of their toys and they would say a lot of things not even realizing I was within ear shot.”
“By the time I got up to my tenth birthday, I was popular in school, played on any and every sports team we had and was getting my ‘male’ fix from my coaches and my teammates. You know it’s one of the oddities of American life that jocks who are notoriously hard on gays are constantly touching each other. We showered together in one big community shower. We were constantly putting our hands on each other’s butts. Half the time when I was getting ready to receive a ball in the line-up I could feel my guys hands practically pressed up against my balls. It was the strangest thing and I guess the strangest thing of all was that I never thought it was strange. I just enjoyed the male contact. Then, I got a call from Will. He was taking a week off and coming home to be with me for my tenth birthday. I was walking on air.”
Nick stopped to take a drink but was surprised to find his water bottle was empty. Alan suggested they take a ten minute break, go to the bathroom and replenish their water, coffee or whatever. Greg asked if they could move over to the comfortable club chairs, he was getting a little stiff from sitting in the dining chairs.
When everyone was settled in their new positions, Nick was pleased to see that Greg was sitting right beside him and Alan had settled in his comfortable office chair. Greg was still not touching Nick but at least he was next to him now. Nick took a sip of water and picked his story.
“I was so happy and the first night home was something I can’t hardly describe it was so good. Will grabbed me the minute he got out of the truck and hugged me so hard I know I turned red and I didn’t care one bit. I was practically on top of him all evening and after dinner, he went up to my room with me and we played cards until Mom came and said I had to go to bed. I had begged and pleaded to be allowed to stay home from school the next day but no one but me seemed to realize this should have been declared a national holiday. Will just messed up my hair and told me not to whine. ‘Suck it up, Nick’ he said. That was his favorite expression. ‘Suck it up’. I’ll spend tomorrow with Mom and the girls and the horses and then we’ll have Friday, Saturday and Sunday to celebrate your birthday and get over the celebration. I’ve got to go back to work on Monday but we have three great days to spend together helping you turn ten. I asked if he would stay in my room and wait until I got ready for bed. He said sure and Mom left saying she would let us men finish our talk.”
“I was so used to being around all my teammates, when I came out of the bathroom, I didn’t have any clothes on and I was drying myself off on the towel. I snapped Will with the towel and he laughed at me but when I dropped the towel on the floor, he stopped laughing. He just stared at me and finally said, ‘Good God, Nick. You’re a lot more grown up than I thought you would be.‘ I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about and I looked down at myself. I looked the same to me except for the patch of dark hair growing in around my dick and the fact that I had to sort of arrange myself now when I put on my jock cup because I seemed to be bigger than my cup and something was always spilling over. That had just happened in the last few months but I was used to it and it never occurred to me that the last time Will had seen me, I’d still been smooth like a baby. I finally decided it was just because he hadn’t seen me for a while and told him ‘Nah, I was growing but not nearly as fast as the rest of them and Doc Hopkins had told me he was pretty sure I was not going to make the Stokes six foot mark.’ I was a little sad, every guy wants to be tall and strong but since I couldn’t be tall well at least I sure was strong.”
“I got into bed, Will came over and hugged me tight and said good night. I had no idea that would be the last happy time I would have with my brother. When I got home from school the next day, everything had changed. All my sisters were there and Barbara, my oldest had brought one of her sorority sisters over. Will didn’t even notice I was home. He didn’t see anyone else in the world except Julie Ann. He just barely said hello to me and before I knew it, he and Barbara and Julie Ann were gone off to a party. I tried to wait up for him but fell asleep somewhere around 2.00am. The next day, I went to his room but he was downstairs on the phone talking to Julie Ann. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat thinking Will would come in and have breakfast with me. After all it was Friday, the first of my three day celebration. He never came to breakfast. I heard a truck pull up out front and then the door slam. A while later I went looking for him, but he was not in the house. One of my other sisters said he went horse back riding with Julie Ann. It just got worse and worse from that moment on. I never again saw him alone; he was always with Julie Ann. Friday Night I was so angry I went upstairs to his room and threw myself down on his bed. I was halfway thinking about trashing his room but I figured he was only using it to change clothes so he could go somewhere else with Julie Ann and wouldn’t even notice. I threw one of his pillows on the floor. There was a magazine under his pillows. I pulled it out and looked at the cover. There was a picture of a naked woman with the biggest tit’s I’d ever seen. She was sprawled on her back and her legs were open and she had her fingers down there touching herself. I felt hot and sick and itchy all at the same time. I’d never ever seen anything like that. The vaquero’s might talk dirty but they would have died before they let me see filth like that. I threw the nasty thing across the room and just folded up into a ball and tried to figure out what happened to my brother. Why would he bring dirt like that into our house. I couldn’t make sense of it and I was getting sick to my stomach.”
“I decided to go to my own room but I realized I needed to touch the nasty thing one more time to put it back under the pillows and put the pillow back on the bed. When I went over to pick it up, it had fallen open to what I guess was the centerfold. It was the same woman only this time there was a man with her. He was naked and he had the biggest pee-pee I’d ever seen. It was large and shiny and it had some sort of stuff dripping from the end of it. I didn’t even realize I’d called it a pee-pee in my head but I knew I was seeing what the vaquero’s would call a dick or a cock. I just froze. I couldn’t take my eyes off the thing. I was still hot but I wasn’t sick any more. I did feel something really low in my stomach, almost below my stomach. I wanted to touch the thing even if it was a picture. I wondered what it would feel like to touch the real thing. Then my mom called me from right out in the hall. I almost jumped across the room and stuffed the magazine back under the pillows.”
“Mom was calling me to dinner which again was just her, me and whichever of the girls happened to be around. Dad was still working so he could take Saturday and Sunday off and of course Will was out with…you guessed it….Julie Ann. After everyone had gone to bed, I sneaked back down the hall and into his room. I pulled the magazine out and looked at the picture of the man again. I didn’t even notice the woman was in the same picture. I could only see him and if I were honest, I have no idea what he looked like; I was just looking at his cock. I finally got myself back to bed and tried to sleep but God I had strange dreams.”
Nick briefly put his head in his hands and stopped talking for a moment. Alan asked him if he needed another break. He said no, the worst was ahead and he needed to get it over with. He just needed a minute to get himself together. He almost jumped out of his chair when he felt Greg’s hand on his arm. He looked up at his friend, his once partner. Greg was looking at him with almost no expression on his face at all. Thank God it wasn’t pity. Nick really did not want to see pity on Greg’s face. Greg smiled at him and slid his hand down until he slipped it under Nick’s. He laced their fingers together the way he used to and just waited for Nick to go on. The warm, familiar touch calmed him at once.
“Saturday was even worse than Friday. Mom and Dad had this political dinner they had to attend. It had been planned for weeks and it would be his introduction to the upper level of political bosses. It could easily make him or break him. Not attending was not an option. Before Will came home, there were no problems at all. He was going to stay with me but now, he’d been invited to a big swanky affair at the country club to meet Julie Ann’s folks. No one was available to stay with me; not even Lupe. I kept saying I could stay by myself but Mom wouldn’t even listen to the idea. Finally Julie Ann called one of her sorority sisters. She had a younger sister who baby sat and if she was available, she had references. Of course she was available; anything for Julie Ann. It was settled and I was pissed. She might be the greatest thing since sliced bread when it came to taking care of kids but I was going to make her life miserable. God how could I have been so wrong or so stupid.”
“Things started out okay. She tried to be pleasant, I was an ass. She offered to play games with me, I watched TV. She went to the kitchen to fix my dinner and even was going to let me eat in the living room on a TV tray. I had to get smart and grabbed the plate off the tray and sat down on the floor with it. I spilled it and food went all over the floor. She lost it then and yelled at me to go upstairs to my room. She would deal with me after she cleaned up my messes. I remember she yelled at me, ‘You’re old enough not to make a mess with food on the floor. What’s wrong with you? Are you a stupid retard or don’t you care about other peoples stuff?” Greg jerked violently when Nick repeated the baby’s sitter’s words. Nick turned to him and said, “Sounds familiar doesn’t it babe? How many times did I throw those same cold, cruel words at you?” Nick waited for Greg to remove his hand but he swallowed, shook himself, folded his hand back around Nick’s and told him to go on.
“I went upstairs but I didn’t go to my room, I went to Will’s. I grabbed the magazine and turned to the guy. I imagined I was in the picture with him. That he was there and would keep her away from me. I was concentrating so hard on what he would feel like if I touched him, I never noticed she had come upstairs until she swept into Will’s room. She was standing over me before I knew it. She grabbed the magazine out of my hand and her face went white then red when she saw the picture of the naked couple. She looked at me with this strange look on her face and she said, ‘You disgusting sex-freak. How old are you anyway? You’re disgusting peeking at things you shouldn’t. You need to be punished, you need to really be hurt for spilling your food all over the living room carpet and then you leave me down there to clean up your messes while you’re up here thinking about sticking your pee-pee into something warm and wet. That’s how women get raped because of sex-nuts, sex-freaks like you. But I bet if I tell your folks they won’t punish you the way you should be; oh no; they’ll let you get away with it and then you’ll just do dirtier and dirtier things. I’m going to punish you. I’m going to give you just what you deserve.”
“She reached down and jerked my belt out of my jeans before I ever realized what she was doing. She flipped me over on the bed and wrapped the belt around my wrists and fastened it tight around them. I was laying on my stomach with my face in the pillows and I turned my head so I could breathe. I told her she was crazy, to let me go but she just kept on talking about punishing me the way I deserved and she’d teach me to spill food all over the carpet and make her clean it up. She reached over and pulled Wills night stand open. She pulled out a pair of scissors he kept in there and for one minute I thought she was going to stab me with them but instead, she cut my t-shirt off. Then she twisted me over on my side and unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them and my shorts off. They caught on my shoes and I thought maybe I could kick her and run but my legs were pinned together by the jeans and she pulled my shoes off and had my pants off before I even realized what she was doing. I was completely naked in front of a stranger and I was terrified but that was nothing compared to the look that came over her face when she looked down at me and said, “Jesus Christ, you’re a physical freak too. No ten year old boy should have a woody.’ I had no idea what she was talking about and it didn’t help when she grabbed my dick hard and started rubbing back and forth on it.”
“She stopped and got quiet and if I was scared before I was terrified now. She started humming to herself. She smiled at me and said, ‘Well let’s make the punishment fit the crime and I’ll have a little fun too. She took off her clothes and I knew I was going to vomit right there on Will’s bed but I guess I made some sort of gagging sound because she bent over me and said, “You little son-of-a-bitch, don’t you even thing about puking and ruining my fun. I’ll cut your pee-pee off and shove it down your throat. We’ll just see if you bleed to death or choke first. Now shut up and be still. She climbed on top of me and started rubbing herself against me but it made me sick and I got smaller. She slapped me and got off me and went over and got the magazine. She propped up the pillows somehow so I was looking at the picture of the guy. ‘You need a little something to get you started you freak. Here it is. Now I’m going to get my fun and then I’m going to take care of you. She climbed back on top of me. I tried to not think about what she was doing and just looked at the guy in the picture. I looked at his dick and imagined I was holding it and rubbing it and we were all alone together in my room with no one else around. Finally she climbed off me. I was so sore, she had put all her weight on me and my hands were still fastened behind my back and I couldn’t feel them anymore. She looked down at me and screamed at me again that I was a sex-freak because I couldn’t get hard from her and had to look at the picture of the woman in the magazine. I almost told her it wasn’t the woman I was looking at but something told me to keep my mouth shut. I think she might have killed me if she’d know it was the guy who had gotten me hard enough for her to get me inside her. I didn’t realize I was still somewhat erect until she reached down and grabbed me and started jerking her hand back on forth on me. She was holding me too hard and pulling on it too hard and it hurt so much I thought I would cry but that was nothing compared to what she did next. She reached down and grabbed my testicles. They had started growing the last few months and I’d already known they were tender when I accidentally caught them when I sat wrong. She started squeezing them hard and I cried out and she said I was getting what I deserved that punishment was supposed to hurt. I was so close to passing out. I remember yelling at her, I’m going to tell. I’ll tell every one what you did to me and she just squeezed harder and laughed. She said, ‘You stupid little shit, guys can’t get molested or raped. Only girls can. Look at you, you’re hard right now and I think I see stuff coming out of your pee-pee. All guys want sex. You wanted me so bad you got hard to get me and you’re only ten years old. If you dare open your mouth, I’ll tell everyone what a monster, a freak you are. How would your fancy parents with their fancy dinners like having the whole town know they have a sex-freak for a kid? Nothing happened to you that you didn’t want. You were the one looking at a sex magazine instead of helping me clean up your mess.’ Then she squeezed extra hard and started rubbing me as hard and as fast as she could. I felt like my dick was going to explode and then I felt something warm and I knew she had made me bleed and I passed out.”
“It seemed like hours later when I came to. I was still in Wills room but my hands were undone, I was naked and there was some sort of sticky stuff all over my lower stomach and thighs. I remember getting up and thinking I had messed up my brothers room. I made the bed. I found a magazine on the floor and put it under the pillow. It seemed to belong there. I picked up my clothes. I never wondered why I was naked in my brother’s room. I went to my room and put my clothes in the hamper and ran the tub full of water. It was so much hotter than I was used to but it seemed to be the right thing to do. I got in the tub and my skin burned from the water and it hurt my pee-pee so bad I remember crying a few tears and then I heard this voice. It sounded like a kid but a kid older and tougher than me. It said, ‘Stop crying you little wimp. Suck it up. Take it like a man. You can’t tell anyone what happened.’ I remember sitting there wondering where the voice had come from and what I wasn’t supposed to tell. Maybe it was whatever had hurt my pee-pee so bad. I never told because I never remembered.”
Poor scared brutalized, violated young Nick did not know then that the voice would be his tormenter and protector for the next twenty-four years.
“I never told anyone, until now”
Nick was quiet. The room was quiet. No one spoke. Greg finally let out a breath he had no idea he’d been holding. He didn’t know if he was shaking or Nick but their joined hands were visibly moving.
“Guys don’t get raped, they get punished. You really didn’t know what you were doing to me. You punished me for spilling food in the living room; for not being a grown up and acting like a stupid kid but you didn’t rape me. Thank God!” Greg leaned back in his chair and rested his head on the lean back. He was shaking all over now but he didn’t let go of Nick’s hand.
Alan looked at the two men sitting in front of him. It was obvious they had gone through that whole horrible ordeal together. He wondered if that meant they finally were together.
‘Nick, are you okay? Do you need anything right now.” Alan was a little worried about his patient. He was sitting there, actually slumped there in front of him. Only a slight movement of his chest let him know he was still alive. He seemed diminished somehow; smaller almost like a child was sitting there; a small, hurt, confused child.
Nick took a deep breath and sat up straight. The child was gone. A grown man was sitting in front of Alan. A beautiful man with the saddest brown eyes he’d ever seen. He felt a completely irrational desire to go around the desk and put his arms around the man with the sad eyes and hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright now.
Nick turned to Greg and asked the question he had to know the answer to; the question he did not want to know the answer to. “Greg. Can you forgive me and give me another chance?”
Greg looked at their linked hands and then up to Nick’s sad, hopeful eyes. He sighed softly and then said the only thing he could say under the circumstances.
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Date: 2007-12-06 01:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 02:33 am (UTC)You are BRILLIANT! I can't wait for the next chapter. *smooch*
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Date: 2007-12-06 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 10:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-06 08:31 pm (UTC)Greg is really great, he helps a lot only by being there. I can't wait for the last chapter (even if i don't want it to be the last^^)