(no subject)
Apr. 15th, 2006 12:22 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
kennedy-unknown.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
nickngregCSI
Title: Into The Fire
Chapter: Breathe (22/23)
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama
Previously: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
Summary: Nick is in darkness again, Greg is surrounded by fire.
Cross-posted at WMTDB.
22. Breathe
It was as if he had burrowed into a small part of his brain which allowed him to become detached, even though every other fibre of his being was on the verge of screaming and letting a state of panic ensue. As soon as he had seen the fireman rolling on the ground with his arm aflame his body had shut down. Greg was in full-blown defence mode, unable to think or feel. It was the only way he could survive this.
He felt Nick hold him, but couldn’t react. He became aware of the presence of the other firemen as they re-entered the truck, and could see the injured fireman. He stared at him, but his brain was numbed to the horror. He couldn’t even feel any empathy for the man, because that would mean that he would have to remember his own burns again and his own pain. He recognised that the heat was rapidly increasing in the cab, and that Nick’s breath against his ear as he stretched over him to do something to the windows was quick and short as if he was beginning to panic himself. Harry seemed to bark instructions from some distance away, and Nick disappeared from beside him. There was a part of his brain that protested Nick’s absence, but it was quashed as Nick grabbed him in the dark and pulled him on to the floor.
The rubber was almost unbearably warm against his clothes and exposed skin. Nick lay across half of his body as there was that little space in which both of them could fit. His hands were at the small of his back and close to his neck. Above the roar of the flames outside and the other men in the cab yelling at each other he could hear Nick’s voice, low and deep in his ear.
“Greg… please talk to me.”
The raw tone betrayed the desperation and fear behind his words, and it reached Greg where he had retreated within himself. Like most people who can find it difficult at times to defend themselves, he found the power he needed when it came down to having to help someone else. Everything swam into sharp focus around him and he realised where they were, and how it appeared to Nick. Dark. Cramped. Trapped. Nick was back in the box.
He may have been trapped in his own nightmare and memories, but Nick was as well. And his wounds were fresher, and much more recent. True partnership was about being there equally, and here they were. He couldn’t shut down.
“I’m here, Nicky. I’m here.” he managed to gasp.
Nick closed his eyes, relieved that Greg had snapped out of it. The sound of his voice washed over him, and he felt his terror begin to subside.
“Oh, thank God, Greg… you were worrying me.”
“It won’t be much longer now.” Greg continued, moving slightly so that he could face Nick, even though it was so dark he could only make out vague outlines of his features. “Remember what I told you yesterday?”
“You told me a lot of things yesterday.”
“I told you that we were going to get out of here, remember? That we have too much to live for.”
“You still think that?” Nick laughed bitterly. “Look at where we are, G!”
“I do believe it. You’re strong, Nick.”
In the dark, thankful that he couldn’t see Greg’s face, and feeling that death may not be that far away again, he felt that strange honesty that could only come in extreme moments. The weight of the secret that he had been keeping for months, the one thing that he had been too scared to admit to Greg for fear of what it may make him think about him was at his lips like bile, threatening to erupt.
“I’m not.” he said finally.
“What?” Greg asked.
“I’m not strong. I never was.” Nick closed his eyes, and Greg’s hand in his own suddenly grew cold. It felt like the gun that had tempted him when all hope was lost.
“What do you mean, Nicky?” Greg whispered.
“Just before you guys came for me… I had the gun pressed under my chin. I was ready to pull the trigger.” Nick started to choke. “I gave up.”
Greg exhaled heavily. It was something that had occurred to him only hours after Nick had been rescued. He knew that Nick wouldn’t have wanted to go out in such pain, gasping for air that would never come. He had known it was a possibility.
“I’m sorry I was ready to give up.” Nick gasped between stifled sobs. “I should have fought harder.”
“You fought as long as you could, Nicky.” Greg said tenderly. “Nobody could ask more of you. But we got to you. And we’re going to get out of this. We’re cats in the sunshine, remember? We have eighteen lives between us. And I think we’ve only used about six so far.”
Nick gave a low laugh, and sobered just as quickly again. “You don’t… hate me for almost…”
“Never.” Greg said firmly, although he offered an immediate silent prayer of gratitude to whoever was out there listening that they had gotten there in time. The reality of life had Nick not been in it was unbearable to think of.
The weight of the knowledge was now shared, and although the load was not alleviated fully it seemed to have become lighter. It would never go away, but it was better like this. He felt Greg’s lips brush against his forehead, and despite everything a strange feeling of peace settled in conjunction with those others tormenting him.
The cupboard above them opened, and a weak light illuminated them. The uninjured fireman stared down at them, where they lay in each other’s arms. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes flickered over Greg, whose vest had ridden up slightly and an expanse of his scarred flesh was visible. His eyes registered some kind of sympathy, and he quickly reached into the cupboard and pulled out a set of oxygen masks.
“Put these on.” he said. “They should last us until it’s safe for us to climb out.”
Greg reached up and took them off him. “Thank you.” he said, hoarsely.
The fireman nodded, grabbed a set for himself and his colleague, and closed the cupboard again. They were back in darkness.
Nick’s head was reeling. They had been caught in an ‘uncompromising’ position, and the world hadn’t ended. Sure, they might not be met with such cool acceptance each time, but were those situations where they weren’t so unbearable that they should sacrifice the ability to be happy and relaxed with each other like any other couple?
How many times did he have to go through something horrendous to remind him that life was for living? It seemed corny to be having such a revelation, but what else was a near death experience for? Okay, so he hadn’t got the message clearly the first time around… okay, maybe even the second… but if he didn’t learn the third time then maybe he didn’t deserve his own happiness after all.
He felt Greg begin to attach the mask around his face, and before he slipped it over his nose he told Greg he loved him. If Greg registered surprise by such a public utterance, he wasted no time replying in the affirmative.
Cool, filtered oxygen began entering their systems, and it became easier to breathe.
Title: Into The Fire
Chapter: Breathe (22/23)
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, Drama
Previously: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.
Summary: Nick is in darkness again, Greg is surrounded by fire.
Cross-posted at WMTDB.
22. Breathe
It was as if he had burrowed into a small part of his brain which allowed him to become detached, even though every other fibre of his being was on the verge of screaming and letting a state of panic ensue. As soon as he had seen the fireman rolling on the ground with his arm aflame his body had shut down. Greg was in full-blown defence mode, unable to think or feel. It was the only way he could survive this.
He felt Nick hold him, but couldn’t react. He became aware of the presence of the other firemen as they re-entered the truck, and could see the injured fireman. He stared at him, but his brain was numbed to the horror. He couldn’t even feel any empathy for the man, because that would mean that he would have to remember his own burns again and his own pain. He recognised that the heat was rapidly increasing in the cab, and that Nick’s breath against his ear as he stretched over him to do something to the windows was quick and short as if he was beginning to panic himself. Harry seemed to bark instructions from some distance away, and Nick disappeared from beside him. There was a part of his brain that protested Nick’s absence, but it was quashed as Nick grabbed him in the dark and pulled him on to the floor.
The rubber was almost unbearably warm against his clothes and exposed skin. Nick lay across half of his body as there was that little space in which both of them could fit. His hands were at the small of his back and close to his neck. Above the roar of the flames outside and the other men in the cab yelling at each other he could hear Nick’s voice, low and deep in his ear.
“Greg… please talk to me.”
The raw tone betrayed the desperation and fear behind his words, and it reached Greg where he had retreated within himself. Like most people who can find it difficult at times to defend themselves, he found the power he needed when it came down to having to help someone else. Everything swam into sharp focus around him and he realised where they were, and how it appeared to Nick. Dark. Cramped. Trapped. Nick was back in the box.
He may have been trapped in his own nightmare and memories, but Nick was as well. And his wounds were fresher, and much more recent. True partnership was about being there equally, and here they were. He couldn’t shut down.
“I’m here, Nicky. I’m here.” he managed to gasp.
Nick closed his eyes, relieved that Greg had snapped out of it. The sound of his voice washed over him, and he felt his terror begin to subside.
“Oh, thank God, Greg… you were worrying me.”
“It won’t be much longer now.” Greg continued, moving slightly so that he could face Nick, even though it was so dark he could only make out vague outlines of his features. “Remember what I told you yesterday?”
“You told me a lot of things yesterday.”
“I told you that we were going to get out of here, remember? That we have too much to live for.”
“You still think that?” Nick laughed bitterly. “Look at where we are, G!”
“I do believe it. You’re strong, Nick.”
In the dark, thankful that he couldn’t see Greg’s face, and feeling that death may not be that far away again, he felt that strange honesty that could only come in extreme moments. The weight of the secret that he had been keeping for months, the one thing that he had been too scared to admit to Greg for fear of what it may make him think about him was at his lips like bile, threatening to erupt.
“I’m not.” he said finally.
“What?” Greg asked.
“I’m not strong. I never was.” Nick closed his eyes, and Greg’s hand in his own suddenly grew cold. It felt like the gun that had tempted him when all hope was lost.
“What do you mean, Nicky?” Greg whispered.
“Just before you guys came for me… I had the gun pressed under my chin. I was ready to pull the trigger.” Nick started to choke. “I gave up.”
Greg exhaled heavily. It was something that had occurred to him only hours after Nick had been rescued. He knew that Nick wouldn’t have wanted to go out in such pain, gasping for air that would never come. He had known it was a possibility.
“I’m sorry I was ready to give up.” Nick gasped between stifled sobs. “I should have fought harder.”
“You fought as long as you could, Nicky.” Greg said tenderly. “Nobody could ask more of you. But we got to you. And we’re going to get out of this. We’re cats in the sunshine, remember? We have eighteen lives between us. And I think we’ve only used about six so far.”
Nick gave a low laugh, and sobered just as quickly again. “You don’t… hate me for almost…”
“Never.” Greg said firmly, although he offered an immediate silent prayer of gratitude to whoever was out there listening that they had gotten there in time. The reality of life had Nick not been in it was unbearable to think of.
The weight of the knowledge was now shared, and although the load was not alleviated fully it seemed to have become lighter. It would never go away, but it was better like this. He felt Greg’s lips brush against his forehead, and despite everything a strange feeling of peace settled in conjunction with those others tormenting him.
The cupboard above them opened, and a weak light illuminated them. The uninjured fireman stared down at them, where they lay in each other’s arms. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes flickered over Greg, whose vest had ridden up slightly and an expanse of his scarred flesh was visible. His eyes registered some kind of sympathy, and he quickly reached into the cupboard and pulled out a set of oxygen masks.
“Put these on.” he said. “They should last us until it’s safe for us to climb out.”
Greg reached up and took them off him. “Thank you.” he said, hoarsely.
The fireman nodded, grabbed a set for himself and his colleague, and closed the cupboard again. They were back in darkness.
Nick’s head was reeling. They had been caught in an ‘uncompromising’ position, and the world hadn’t ended. Sure, they might not be met with such cool acceptance each time, but were those situations where they weren’t so unbearable that they should sacrifice the ability to be happy and relaxed with each other like any other couple?
How many times did he have to go through something horrendous to remind him that life was for living? It seemed corny to be having such a revelation, but what else was a near death experience for? Okay, so he hadn’t got the message clearly the first time around… okay, maybe even the second… but if he didn’t learn the third time then maybe he didn’t deserve his own happiness after all.
He felt Greg begin to attach the mask around his face, and before he slipped it over his nose he told Greg he loved him. If Greg registered surprise by such a public utterance, he wasted no time replying in the affirmative.
Cool, filtered oxygen began entering their systems, and it became easier to breathe.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-04-15 03:15 pm (UTC)