(no subject)

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

This is my first ever CSI fic, so I would be grateful if you commented. Flames are also welcome, I like them:)

Title: Memories
Author: el_gilliath
Category: Angst
Spoilers: None really, but can be seen as Post-Play With Fire
Rating: Pg-13'ish
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: Nick remembers
AN: Written in 20 minutes
Warning! Character Death
Disclaimer: Under no circumstances does these characters belong to me. The belong to CBS and the writers. I just borrow them!



You look at him, lying in the brown coffin.

You imagine the big, beautiful brown-eyes you know are underneath his closed eyelids. The eyes you fell in love with so long ago, the eyes that smiled at you every time you kissed him, every time you dared to show the world that he was yours.

You look at his lips. His gorgeous full lips that you loved to kiss, loved to suck on his lower lip. And all you want is to kiss him and feel the lips respond against your own, his fantastic tongue rubbing against yours. But you know that will never happen again.

You look at his hands, remembering the feeling of his hands against your skin, in your hair, holding your hand, stroking your cock. The long nimble fingers who used to tickle you whenever you where play-fighting, the fingers who would caress your skin lightly, in hope of getting you aroused, the fingers he would suck in his mouth just because he knew you liked it.

And you imagine the rest of his body, his lean frame, who you loved to have pressed against you as you slept, his long, perfect legs, who would curl around yours as you slept, or curl against your waist as you pounded into him.

You remember his voice, which would whisper sweet words into your ears whenever you had a bad dream, which would murmur soothing words when you had a rough case, which would give a laugh so wonderful that you had to smile, which would say words full of hidden meanings whenever you visited the lab. The voice, which would tell you ‘I love you’ whenever you dared to show that he was yours, which would scream ‘I love you’ when you brought him swirling into a strong orgasm.

But most of all, you remember the way he would just sit next to you in complete silence, because he knew that was exactly what you needed. He always knew what you needed, like he knew you better than you do yourself.

“Nick, it’s time”

You look at Catherine, her eyes so full of shining tears, threatening to spill. You nod at her, before you turn back to look at him. You look at his ring finger, and smile as you see the beautiful golden wedding ring there, the ring that will forever show that he’s yours, and noone can ever take that away from you. You brush your finger against his cheek, before you go and sit down next to his mother, who takes your hand with a teary smile. You look down on your clasped hands, smiles at your own wedding ring. You remember the joy you felt that day, how beautiful he looked, and how happy you both where. You smile, despite the tears that are now spilling down your cheek, and you know that even though he’s gone, you’re going to be okay. The memories you have, will be enough until you can see him again.

“We are gathered here today, to celebrate the memory of Gregory Hojem Sanders, beloved co-worker, loving son and loving husband…”

Comments

[anmani.livejournal.com]

*howls*
Of all the people that you could have offed, you killed my Greggo.
My heart can't bear that. It's too sad. I have stated earlier that I will happily off anybody but him for a good story....

But it is well written and the memories are so loving and beautiful.
"You smile, despite the tears..." Wonderful absolutely wonderful.

This is good, but next time can we keep Greggo alive, pretty please.
/A

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

I know. I hate writing fics where I kill someone, but sometimes the bunnies are horrible.

Thank you, and the next time, he'll be alive, promise

[amyvand25.livejournal.com]

Wow! So powerful and lovely, even with it being so sad. I hate to kill anyone, and our boys especially. Great job!

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Thank you:) I hate killing them too, but it was just one of those fics...

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

See, this doesn't make sense to me. You've skipped 4 of the 5 stages of grief.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

So Greg died, and Nick's at his funeral. If you're going by Eurpoean standards (I don't know what it is in the US), you wait three days until the burial. At this point, you're very likely to still be in shock. Nick would probably be starting the whole denial thing about then.

He's not gone, he's not gone, he's not gone.

I suppose he could move through those stages quickly, but then I would question whether or not he truly loved him, because people tend to get stuck on those for a very long times. Years, sometimes. Depression, at the very least.

I don't think it's possible for Nick to be okay at his funeral. I don't think any amount of memories for a person is enough. I've lost people, and there's never enough memories.

I also think that sex would be the furthest thing from Nick's mind when he's watching dirt being shoveled on top of his husbands coffin. But hey, maybe that's just me.

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

Oh, and you have an extrodinary amount of commas that don't need to be there. I'd recommend a beta.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

That the commas don’t need to be there doesn't mean that have to go! I have had the same discussion a lot of times with my beta, and we have agreed that in the case of my stories, they stay... In my language (That happens to be the same as for El-Gilliath) we use a lot of commas. And as you should know, a comma is a tool that we can choose to use to make artificial breaks and actually a lot of times set the pace in the story. And for me, and I am sure for El-Gilliath, that is the natural voice, because that is the voice we are grown up with. Yes, it is not perfectly American, but guess what - the author is not American! I think she has a beautiful tone in this story, and I would hate for her to change that. If you are having trouble with that, I recommend you just skip reading stories written by Norwegian authors.

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

American, Norweigian, African, it doesn't make a difference. If an author is going to write in a language, the author should know the rules of grammer.

The memories you have, will be enough until you can see him again.

Read that out loud. The pause doesn't make sense in accordance to American grammar. It doesn't need to be there. It shouldn't be there, because it breaks the flow of the story.

And the norwegian authors are offended by my comments that they should follow the rules they're writing in, perhaps they should stick to their own lanaguage.

Besides, it's Nick's voice in the story. Not hers. She should be writing through him.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Fair enough - that comma shouldn't be there. But are the commas really that offending to you that you can't say one positive thing in your review? I think it seems a bit harsh that you say all your negatives, but not a positive comment.

As to writing in Norwegian - I would love to! It is much easier. But take a look around - how many sites do you wee where we can actually post and discuss in Norwegian? There isn't many people (And at least not many Nick/Greg fanfiction writers... so far I have found only myself and El-Gilliath)

You are, in this case, lucky to be born in a country where the native language is the one that is used global.... we aren't. But are you not willing to give us a little bit of leeway? Is it really that bad? You know, I feel sorry for you if those mistakes bother you that much, because you must miss out on a great deal of good stories!

As to the tone – yes it is Nicks tone, but every author has a tone as well, and I am sure that if Ibsen and Shakespeare wrote the same piece, it would come out differently. Let the author keep her tone!

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I don't think I was very harsh. Had I been harsh I would have said I absolutely hated it. And why shouldn't I be honest? Honesty is better than having 10 reviews that read:

OMG Greg! Oh noz!

And we had to establish this community, you know. If you so desperetly want a place to post Norwegian fics, make one up!

As for the tone - it's one thing if you have original work. But if you're writing through someone else's character, there needs to be effort involved to keep it in that characters tone.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

I didn’t say I desperately wanted to post in Norwegian, I said it would be easier…
I said it would be nice to be giving some leeway when you write in a foreign language. I honestly don’t thing that is too much to ask. It is a fanfic for god’s sake, not an official report and not an exam!

Excuse me, I think it is harsh when you say only negatives. Isn’t there anything you like that you could have mentioned as well?

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I don't review a lot, because a lot of fics suck. I can't help it, I have relatively high standards. It comes from reading fics by people who can write, like quettaser and helena_eternal. I was spoiled in my early fandom days. As for this - I would have liked to enjoy it, but the story is poorly written technically, and the actual content lacks the truth I need to believe the story.

And who are you, the review police?

If I write in another language (which I do, at times), I use their grammar. Not American. It's hard, because I know American grammar far better, and if I make a mistake, so be it. At least I tried.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

I am definatly not the review police. I just was very surprised when I read your review, and since you allready had established the right to spill out your thoughts, so could I....

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

You have a right to say what you think, but the only thing you were asking me if there was anything I liked. I don't care if we disagree, we have different opinions.

I forgot to address this earlier, but you said something along the lines of "It's fanfic, not an exam". Fanfic or not, it's still something you write. It should be taken seriously.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Off course you take it seriously. That's why so many of us uses beta - and believe me I do get a lot of pepper if I ever (God forbid) post without it!

But sometimes it feels okay to write and post, even though there probably is some mistakes in there, just because you were in that mood. And it would be okay to do that even though you are not American…. I just want that tiny bit of leeway that I think you also like when you write in a foreign language (As you said you do…. And where you also do mistakes, as you also said you do)

It is okay not to like a fic. It is okay to say it even. I am just a person that likes to point out the positives as well, because face it: we people like to hear positives. If you had said “I liked the story, but…..” and then all you said, I would probably not have thought twice about it. That was all that stopped me. (Maybe I read you wrong) Constructive critique is good - and that is how we learn and get better.

I am sorry if I launched at you. As you said, it is okay to disagree, and I guess we do :-)

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I just want that tiny bit of leeway that I think you also like when you write in a foreign language (As you said you do…. And where you also do mistakes, as you also said you do)

I suppose I just don't like making mistakes. I edit myself very harshly when I write in a second language, and then I ask others to do so before I post. I don't like it if people give me leeway, because I feel that it means I'm not trying hard enough.

And usually, if I review, I do try and find something I like to start it off with. A lot of the time, that doesn't happen (because, like I've said, I have high standards), and I don't like lying and saying I liked something when I didn't. And I think that's not fair to the author, either.

And maybe I was a little bitchy. I can get like that. I'm sorry if I was.

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

I just have to say one thing; I did try! But again, i write UK grammar.

[anmani.livejournal.com]

Personally I think her language works just fine. No spelling errors and the commas are a matter of personal style.
I have read a lot of Stephen King and P. D. James and they have very different writingstyles, which I find good.
As long as the text is fairly easy to read, the style is just the signature of the writer.

When I first started writing, I accidently chose the US English spell-checker. I was raised to write Uk English and there is a significant difference. One of them is the use of commas.

As for the grieving process:
We are all different.
Yes there are some 'guidelines' for grief, but this is Mr. tough guy. I can see him wanting to give Greg a nice send of and then after the funeral and the wake he will go home and crawl into bed and go through hell alone.

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

Nick is not Mr. Tough Guy. Nick is Mr. Wanna Be Tough Guy. He loses his cool. He cries. He feels and that's what makes him Nick.

And if him going home alone is the case, why is it written that he knows he'll be fine? Even if he doesn't outwardly cry, he wouldn't think that.

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I didn't catch this before, but a "nice sendoff"? If my husband didn't cry at my funeral, I would want to come back and haunt him. A nice send off, if there is such a thing, is an emotional one. Not one where Nick is a robot.

[poteidia.livejournal.com]

I don't think you can say how any given person would or wouldn't react in a case like that.

You have no idea how long Greg's been dead - if there was an investigation, it was the result of a crime, it could've been weeks, even months.

People will move through those 5 stages at different speeds - one person may take years, another a matter of weeks. And it's not a matter of 1 to 2 to 3 - you can go backwards on the scale too, from bargainging for example it's possible to slip back into anger. Just because there's a handy chart of how things should work, doesn't mean that's the way they always will.

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I think, after watching Nick for 6 years, that I can say how he wouold react. I've seen him with a gun to his head, face to face with a stalker, buried alive, and trying desperately to find a child who is dying.

As for long long Greg has been dead: he had an open coffin. If he was decomposing at all, that wouldn't have happened. Actually, come to think of it, her spoilers were sort of for Playing With Fire, telling us that he died then. So unless she changes it, that's how I'm assuming he died.

And I said that I understood people go through the stages at different speeds, but three days to be completely over the death of you HUSBAND is very unlikely.

[poteidia.livejournal.com]

I've been watching him for just as long, and so far, there's been nothing close enough to this scenario for anyone to say for sure how he would react if he ever faced it.

Don't morgues keep bodies chilled so they don't decompose?

Unlikely maybe - but still not impossible. He could have skipped to the final stage, only to slip backwards again later.

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I think that watching your husband die - or seeing him dead - is just as bad (if ont worse) than thinking you're going to die trapped in a box underground. I think there's plenty to base Nick's feelings off.

When I said that part about decomp, I meant that if they had found him as result of a crime months after it happened.

And it's very, very rare that one skips to the final stage and then regresses. VERY rare. You don't really do that.

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Girls, break it up would you! Damn, as much as I love to see you fighting for my honour here, I did welcome flames as well. I love a good flame nothing better for a writer to learn from his or hers own mistakes. So don't get all hissy with each other, no need for that.

mywheezy; I'm well aware of the fact that I passed 4 out of 5 stages, and not to be rude, but did you ever think abou the fact that maybe the story was written that way intentionally?

I also think that sex would be the furthest thing from Nick's mind when he's watching dirt being shoveled on top of his husbands coffin. But hey, maybe that's just me.
You're right, it probably would be the furthest thing from his mind, but they weren't shoveling dirt on his coffin, they were inside the church, waiting for the service to begin. Probably should have mentioned that I wrote this based on Norwegian funerals, my bad.

As for the commas; I don't write US grammar. I write UK grammar, always have.
So that line that you pointed out, when you look at it in UK grammar, it's not that bad. It's written that way for a reason, with all the commas in there. My English teacher calls it dramatic breaks.

Besides, it's Nick's voice in the story. Not hers. She should be writing through him.
That was a little uncalled for. The memories was written as his memories, not mine, and therefore it is Nick's voice. I'm sorry if you don't like the way I write, but hey, that's your choice. I'm not going to force you to read my stories if you don't want to.

And hey, he did cry! Of course he cries at his husbands funeral, I'm not a total nutcase. But in this story Nick is happy with the tought that he'll see Greg again someday. If I write another one, I'll go through all the stages of grief, I promise.

You know, I don't think you were harsh. Sure, you said only negative things, but as I said, flames are needed to make a writer better. So thank you for a lovely flame, best one I've gotten in years!

And no more arguing.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

we are disagreeing sweetheart, not arguing! Right mywheezy?

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

sorry, but there's still no need to disagree so loudly over such a small fic... Each person has his or hers opinion, and I welcome them all. End of story

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Sorry - Lillestrøm-jenter gjør visst også som de vil! :-)

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

It's fine, it's just a discussion. I don't mind people who disagree with me, it gives me a chance to give my reasons for my thoughts and respond to hers.

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

And some discussion it is! Oh well, we are women. We're built to be feisty!

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I'm well aware of the fact that I passed 4 out of 5 stages, and not to be rude, but did you ever think abou the fact that maybe the story was written that way intentionally?

No, I didn't. I didn't have a reason to think that. There was not one little hint that made me stop and think, "is there something more to this?" Should I have? It felt very imcomplete. If there was something more, I would love to hear it.

You're right, it probably would be the furthest thing from his mind, but they weren't shoveling dirt on his coffin, they were inside the church, waiting for the service to begin. Probably should have mentioned that I wrote this based on Norwegian funerals, my bad.


Sorry, figure of speech. I don't think he would think about sex at all if his husband was laying it a coffin, no matter if it was in a church or in the cemetery.

I have to admit, I don't know a lot about UK grammar, so I'll believe you.

That was a little uncalled for. The memories was written as his memories, not mine, and therefore it is Nick's voice. I'm sorry if you don't like the way I write, but hey, that's your choice. I'm not going to force you to read my stories if you don't want to.

I don't see how that was uncalled for. I meant that given Nick's personality, I don't think those would be his memories.

And really, if you want to be technical, I didn't flame you. If I would have flamed you, I would have said your story sucked, pairing sucks, blah blah blah. I just disagreed on the whole basis for your story.

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

You know, you're absolutely right, there's no reason for you to think that, considering the back-story of sorts is in my head. So yes, it is kind of incomplete, I understand why you feel that way.

Hmm, maybe not. Though I was remembering good memories, and even though this is going to sound stupid, I think sex would be a good memory for Nick and Greg.

Nice to know. If I one day decide to know more about American grammar, could I give you a buzz? Never did worry to much about the American grammar. Guess I should have.

No, maybe not uncalled, but we all have different views on Nick's personality. This is mine. But you have a different view, and you are a much better CSI author than me, but this is my first. Practice makes perfect!

No need to be technical, I know it's not a flame. But I call it flames. Sorry, creature of habit

[dtkokoro.livejournal.com]

My poor lil Greg! *sniff sniff* You should've killed one of the girls, no one cares about then. heheh ^_^

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Lol, yeah probably should have. And judging from these other posts, next time I shouldn't write from Nick's POV either.

[the-slash-hound.livejournal.com]

I definitely think you SHOULD try Nick's POV again. Because you only get better by trying it again. I find Nick this beautiful challenge, because he's (as someone said above) wannabe-tough-guy. But he's got a tender heart, I do believe. But then there's the good-ol-boy exterior. Both of these things are hard to negotiate.

I don't have an opinion of the grief thing. Touch wood, no one that close to me has ever died. I think you might conceivably think about sex, etc, the good times, I think maybe you could bring out the contrast with the still, cold (sniff!) dead Greg in front of him. Greg's such a vibrant character, I think that might be one choice of overwhelming emotion. That he would seem so empty, dead.

So this isn't the best fic I've ever read. Nor is it horrible. I think there's a lot of potential there. I'm in deep admiration of you for throwing it out there, and for dealing so AWESOMELY with some negative critique. Please don't let this be the last thing you write/post.

Okay now I'm just meandering. But! Don't give up on the Nick POV. Is all.

PS. If you want an extra native-English speaking beta, I'd be pleased to!

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Oh I definetly will try Nick's POV again. If I can create this kind of a reaction, I have to try it again! *grins*

Thank you, I don't think I handled it all to bad myself. Negative opinions is a part of being a writer, and Lord knows I'm not good enough for everyone to like my writing. Wild horses or super-sized tarantulas couldn't drag me away, so don't worry. I'll write again, even if it kills me.

PS. I might just take you up on that offer:)

[dtkokoro.livejournal.com]

Actually, I found it a little bit entertaining. You have a good friend. Plus, hey, I'm American, and I love me some commas. The story was fine, plus, like, seriously, when people talk they are seldom grammarically correct. And I liked your Nick: I can see him as this little old man who's been with Greg for a long time, and maybe was prepared for it. Keep writing.

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

The discussion itself was damn crazy to watch! Though I did wonder what the hell was going on. And yes, I do have a good friend.

I liked him too, thought I didn't do so bad for a first try:) And I will, thanks!

[poteidia.livejournal.com]

I'm not a big fan of death fic...got enough to be depressed about in RL without it seeping into the little world I escape to! But I thought that was sweet. Funerals are where we say goodbye to the ppl we love - the whole purpose of them is to remember the good times we shared, just the way Nicky was.

I'm particularly impressed as someone says English isn't your first language! Anyone who wants to throw stones should, I think, stay quiet until they can write a fic in something other than their native tongue...

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Nah, it isn't. I've been speaking it more or less since I was five, but I'm no grammatic wonder as of yet. Thank you for reading:)

[punky-cherry-x.livejournal.com]

such a moving fic!! i loved it even if it did make my eyes water a little. I think if i died then i wouldnt wan't the people who loved me to be upset (althought at first they probably would be), i'd want them to remember the good times we had. people grieve at their own pace not everyone is the same. some people accept death better than others sometimes it can be quite surprising how well some people handle it.

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you like it, even if there is a cavalry discussing it above this post. Lol...

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I enjoyed writing it!

I know my Nick's no where near perfect, but I see him as a really strong and controlled person foremost. Of course I need to fine tune it, and I quote myself and countless others; practice makes perfect:)

I won't, cause no matter how hard I try, my writing style is never going to be the same as all others. I'm simple to foreign for that.

Thank you again, and I will:)

[ohmygah-x.livejournal.com]

That was truly beautiful.

I could feel my eyes welling up lol. That's the sad twat I am =P

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Thanks, glad you like:)