Living in fear, chapter 3

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

You can find the first two chapters here:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2

Author: dagdrommer
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Summary: Greg is quitting his job, and don't want fear to be the main ingredient in his life.
Beta: anmani

---

Opening his locker, Nick wondered what he was doing. He had pictured the conversation in his mind many times, played it through many scenarios. He had pictured himself explaining to Warrick numerous times about him being bi. He had prepared what to say if he were to be accused of not being normal, not strictly liking girls, being sick, or even repulsing. What he most of all expected was shock. Pure shock, just because it was so surprising. He had done his best to hide the truth. Not in his wildest imagination had he pictured himself being forced to defending his choice of boyfriend. Defending Greg came natural; he had just never thought he had to do it to Warrick though. Why would he?

The day Greg had walked into his life had forced him on a change of path. He had fought his feelings for a long time; denied it even. Greg however had hit all the right buttons, and forced himself way under his skin. Whenever Nick lost himself in an emotional battle while struggling with a child abuse case, Greg would find him. Whenever he thought he needed to be alone, Greg would challenge him on it, sitting in silence next to him, always giving him just enough room to deal with the pain, but always close enough to give comfort. It was the noise people often recognized about Greg, but Nick had soon discovered that his silence spoke much louder than his words. It was when Greg listened that you could truly catch the depth in his soul, and that was when Nick realized he could not escape. You simply cannot run away from someone who truly sees you.

Greg would never forget the small things. Even before they were dating, he would causally hand him a gift-wrapped CD on his birthdays. Somehow it would always be a special CD missing in his collection, a CD Nick even hadn’t known he wanted, but they always ended up being his favorites. Greg would always pick out just the right CD’s to buy, even though he himself didn’t even like that kind of music. He did it simply because he paid attention to Nick’s music collection, and noticed which CD’s that was played over and over, and which only collected dust.

He would quietly bring him a cup of coffee even before Nick knew he needed one. He would put on a show to make him smile, or keep it to the fact when Nick had one of his rough days. Greg knew when to push and when to give up, and when Nick had finally worked up the nerve to ask him out, he was still waiting. Patiently waiting until Nick was ready.

Nick would probably never have worked up the courage if not the lab had exploded. He had been in the A/V lab at the time, working with Archie on an ongoing case. The silence before the explosion was what Nick remembered the best, although he wasn't sure there had been silence at all. Maybe it just feels like there were, because all other sounds were being sucked up by the deafening explosion. Although he was not even sure the explosion had been so deafening, just all-consuming and scary. It wiped everything else away from the center of attention, and became the single focus of all the senses. As he tuned into the world again; he could hear shouting voices and smell smoke, fear and fire in the air. He could see Jacqui walking by bleeding, and he could hear someone yelling for an ambulance. Ambulance? Where? Who? He had never since been able to remember moving towards the core of the explosion, but at one point he stood watching Greg lying lifeless in the middle of the debris. He had wanted to run to him, fall down next to him and touch him, but his body froze in the middle of the heat. Archie had touched his arm and pulled him out of the way for the paramedics to come through. He had been watching as they strapped Greg on the gurney and pulled him out of the building. As they drove off to the hospital, Nick had wanted to follow, but his feet were still glued to the ground. He simply could not move.

Not daring to think about the possible outcome for Greg, Nick had forced himself to work the case at hand. With his mind distracted from Greg, he could almost breathe. He did good focusing until it had been time to clock out. Unable to drive home, he had ended up steering his car towards the Desert Palm Hospital and Greg Sanders. Entering Greg’s room all he could focus on had been Greg’s breathing. His sleeping body seemed painless, relaxed by the morphine drip attached to his veins. Closing the gap between the door and the hospital bed, Nick had no longer been confused about his own feelings. Lowering himself in the chair next to the bed, he finally calmed down enough to fall asleep at the sound of Greg slowly exhale and inhale. He had only fallen asleep to wake up an hour later to meet the piercing look of two brown eyes, facing him in understanding and acceptance.

“Hi,” Greg had said, smiling a faint smile tainted by pain.
“Hi,” Nick had answered, not knowing what else to say. Hospitals had always made him uncomfortable, and Greg had seemed to know.
“I’m fine, Nick,” he said. “I will be fine.”

By the time of hospital release, it had been natural for him to offer Greg as much help as he needed. Greg had accepted his help and let Nick into his life, even though Nick knew Greg by nature wanted to be as independent as possible. Later Nick realized that Greg knew Nick needed to help, just as much as he needed to receive it, maybe even more. They had made routines and soon they became used to working side by side on everyday tasks. It was not until 6 weeks later that he dared asking him on a date. He had tried to play it safe, asking him out for a dinner that could easily be interpreted as a friend’s night out, if Greg did not return his feelings. Greg had met him more than half way though, and called it a date to once and for all remove any of his doubts.

Taking him out for the first time had been a nerve-wracking experience. He had wanted everything to be perfect, and apparently so did Greg. Throughout the evening it became apparent that the still sore back was tormenting Greg and just a couple of hours into the date, Nick found it necessary to ask if he wanted to call it the night. He suggested that they could try again later, and the gratefulness in Greg’s eyes had told him the truth about Greg’s intentions, and his sincerity of making this a wonderful evening. The first, gentle kiss, at the end of the abrupt date, bared a promise for times to come.

The fear of loosing him the day before had been a shock. Having him around had started to feel normal, and facing the threat of not having him in his life was an eye-opener. Realizing that he hadn’t paid him the attention he needed was even worse, and everything else faded compared to the importance of Greg.
‘I let you down.’
The words had struck him as Greg had whispered them merely 24 hours before.
‘I wanted to be the best, for you.’
Seeing Greg outside the break room after the argument with Warrick had put him off. Being put down by Warrick had hurt, but not as much as the thought of Greg actually hearing it. He knew Greg sometimes still felt insecure in their relationship, and that he for some reason didn’t trust himself being equal to Nick. Nick had never gotten to the bottom of that.
‘I wanted you to be proud of me.’
Didn’t he know? Didn’t Greg know that he was the most important person in his life? In his eyes, Greg was the best. Greg was cheerful, intelligent, lively, solemn, handsome, sexy and his mate, all in one person. But to Greg, it all boiled down to one thing; He felt insignificant next to Nick, and Nick had never found a way to show him differently. It was like Greg always waited for Nick to leave him, even though Nick can’t breathe just by the mere thought of being without him. Adding Warrick’s words to that, was not something Greg needed right now. Had he only known how to prove to Greg how good he was, how much he meant for him, he would have done it in a second.
‘I’m a high achiever, I must be, have always been. I don’t know how to be anything else… And suddenly I’m willing to settle for less, just to get away. I’m willing to give up. I’m failing...’
He tried to tell him as often as he could that he loves him, but unfortunately words seem to be just that: words, and Greg’s, for some, well hidden lack of confidence sometimes takes over.

Closing the locker Nick knew he needed to talk to Warrick again. Warrick had been in his life too long, and was too good a friend to walk away from. He knew with time Warrick would be able to see the true Greg. He had never thought Warrick to be unreasonable, and as friends they had been through a lot. Having to defend Greg to him had stung more than he wanted to admit. If there was one person in his life he wanted acceptance from, it was Warrick. They had had their battles throughout the years. They had had their disagreements, and even fights, but Warrick had never been mean before. Never! It didn’t seem right though. Something felt off, but Nick couldn’t put his finger on it. What he did know though was that having Warrick in his life was important, having Greg in his life was essential. Most of all, he wanted both of them in his life, but there was only one that he could not live without.

---

Looking at Greg when he opened the passenger seat door in the car, Catherine wondered how he so easily had forgiven her after the explosion. Entering the hospital room seeing him tired and exhausted in the hospital bed had hurt. Realizing she was to blame had pierced her heart. When she was assigned the investigation of the accident, she had been determined to find whoever was to blame. She would not easily forgive whoever was responsible, and nesting it down to her self was a sickening experience. At one point, both she and Warrick had been more than happy to let Hodges hang for the whole thing, and when understanding the whole truth, she had to direct all that hatred towards herself. Knowing that Greg was injured and having promised him to get to the bottom of it, she had no other choice than to face him with the truth her self.

Telling Greg the truth had been one of her most difficult tasks of her life. She didn’t want it to come from anyone else though. She knew she had to face up to what she had done, and take whatever punishment was given. She knew that whatever consequences it had for her, it was only a fraction of the consequences the incident had for Greg.

Upon telling him, he had immediately accepted the truth. For him it had been simply a matter of fact. He did not have the need to blame anyone; he simply needed to know what had happened. When he knew that, he could go on, or so she had thought.

Learning today that he in fact had not come to terms with it had opened up a door to a room full of unanswered questions.

“I am sorry, Greg, ” she told him as she drove towards the desert.
”For what?” Greg turned to her.
“For blowing up the lab.”
He didn’t response in a long time, just focusing out the window. She started to believe he hadn’t heard her.
“I thought we were over that,” he finally said, while not shifting his focus.
She could not read him, and did not know whether it was anger, disbelief, tiredness or simply coldness that put the flat tone in his voice.
“Obviously we are not, or else you would still be in the lab working today.”
”What?” he shot back, fire in his voice this time and his eyes met her in a hard gaze.
“So you are angry.”
”No.”
”Then what?”
”Tired!”
”Of what?”
”Of always having to tip toe around you!”
“Around me?”
”Yes you!” he almost spat. “All of you,” he added in a milder tone, while turning the focus into nothingness again.

Sensing he didn’t want to talk about it right now, she let him sit for a few minutes before she addressed him again.

“Why do you feel you have to tip toe around us?”
“Heh,” he snorted, looking at her and shook his head. “Because of this,” he continued.
“What?”
“Because you all feel so guilty.” He stressed the last word.
“And…?”
”…And I can’t take it.” He said it in an matter-of-fact way, leaving no room for discussion.
“Why?” She had never been one to leave it with no discussion.

“Because,” he said not willing to elaborate.
“Not good enough.” She played him hard.
“Because it is harder to see you all hurt by guilt than sucking up the fucking fear, okay? Happy now?”
She pulled the car over.
“I’m not happy about any of this, Greg.” Right now she felt harder talking to him than Lindsey.
“Well, guess what, neither am I.”

Looking at him for a while she tried to find the right words, but couldn’t find them.
“What do you want me to do?”
”Don’t know. Nothing!”
“Nothing?”
”Nothing. That’s it. There’s nothing that can be done.”
”There must be something.”
”It’s not….” He looked her straight in the eyes now, forcing her to believe him. “Sometimes I wish you had done it on purpose.”
”Why?”
”Because then I would know that you wouldn’t do it again. But it was a fucking accident. It happens… unfortunately to me. How can I know it won’t happen again? You just did what everyone else did, you placed an unknown substance under the fume hood. The hotplate was accidentally turned on, and bam… my whole life is different. If you’d done it intently I could be safe there now, but I can’t protect my self from all those small incidents that combined makes an accident. I can’t… and I can’t even blame anyone. It wasn’t your fault. Don’t you think I wanted to blame you? I did! I wanted to scream at you, but it wasn’t your fault, and still you looked so guilty. So I had to be careful not to look scared, or sad, or even just a little bit down, so that you wouldn’t feel guilty anymore. I never hated you for blowing up the lab, but I may have hated you for feeling guilty.”

He was crying by now, and Catherine had no idea how to react. His words made her feel even guiltier, but the same words told her loud and clear that that was not the right emotion to show at the time.

“I’m sorry,” Greg surprised her by saying.
”Why?”
”I shouldn’t have… and I cried, and I … I didn’t have any right putting it all out on you…and I..”
“Stop it!” She couldn’t listen to all his apologizes. “You had all the right. Not only am I a big part of, and the reason for, this problem, although not voluntarily. But I am also your friend, aren’t I?”
“Yeah.”
”And friends are supposed to listen, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.”
“And you aren’t supposed to keep it all inside, are you? ”
“No…. Hey! That wasn’t fair,” he said as it obviously occurred to him that she had tricked him into admitting the last part.
“Fair or not, you aren’t supposed to keep it all in.”
“I’m beginning to understand that.”
“Do you talk to Nick about it?”
“A-hum…..”
“Greg?”
“Not until yesterday.”
”A little bit late wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“You will from now on though?”
“Yeah.” He sounded defeated as he answered.
“Greg?”
“I will. I just…”
”What?”
”I still don’t feel okay with it.”
”Telling Nick?”
”Yeah.”
”Why?”
”He…. He is so understanding, so supportive, and I can’t help but being afraid that he will be too supportive. Do you see what I mean?”
“No. Not really.”
”I mean. I'm afraid that he will do too much for me. That he will be so afraid for me that he forgets himself. I don’t want it to destroy our relationship. I love him. I need him. And I'm not good enough for him. I’m not…. I can’t see why he…And if this is bad… and if he leaves…” He stopped mid sentence.
She could not answer anything to that, all she could do was hold his hand showing him it was okay to cry.
“Do you really want to do something for me?” He looked at her with no hesitation but a strong determination in his eyes.
”Anything,” she said.
”Be there for Nick!”

TBC

Comments

[anmani.livejournal.com]

This is really a great chapter. But the last line has me worried. What is Greggo up to now, since he asks Cath to be there for Nick?

You have done so well with the characters here, I truly love it.
/A

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Don't worry sweetheart! Greg will never hurt Nick. But he is worried however that this will be too much for him! I can't say more than that - one: because I won't tell you what happens next, and two - because not even I know for sure what happens next. I KNOW where this will end, but I am not quite sure how to get there!

Thank's for the review! I really appreaciate it!

[sarcasticsra]

I really don't want to be rude, but when your summary has errors in it, it doesn't really encourage me to read the fic, you know? *shrug* Just a thought.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

thank's, I'll change it now! It did go a bit fast there! And please, give me some slack! English is not my language remember!

[sarcasticsra]

Oh, I wasn't ware of that. Yeah, the English language can be quite tricky.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

That's okay. You didn't know, and it is supposed to be correct when I post! *Kick my self*
I do however get impatient sometimes and post without checking every detail. But I should be able to write ONE sentence correct though! I am afraid I did post while watching my favorite show (except for CSI off course), so everything went very fast. No excuse, just an explanation. Hope you can give my story a chance anyway, and the story is beta’ed, so it should be better than my summary!

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

Dagdrommer, very, very nice chapter. Though I have to agree with Anmani, that last line had me pretty worried.

And may I say, the Living in Fear icon? You got me smiling so much with 'Kjæresten min, bare min'. Just felt like hugging the two boys and say "Så søt dokk e!"

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

As I said, Greg will never to anything to harm Nick! (I think....)

Yeah - YOU are one that would understand my icon! I wish it was Kjæresten MIN and not Greg's... hm... don't let my husband see that!
Thanks for the comment! I really, REALLY appreaciate good comments, and that inspires for writing another chapter.... (Vis jeg bare visste hva som skulle stå der...)

DE ER SØTE, JA!!!

[el-gilliath.livejournal.com]

You think? Og, this might be bad...

Lol, of course I understand. Would be weird if I didn't! Okay, but then I get Greggo! And my fiance won't mind, he's likes Greg just as much as I do *cough* bi *cough* (Du finn nok ut d, kjæm når du minst vente d)

KJEMPESØTE:D

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Well, I want them both... hm.... My husband is more up for Calleigh Dusquesne, and SHE (Well Emily Procter really) was kind enough to send a signed photo to him (and one for me as well) as a THANK YOU for letting me spend all the time on the csiforum! Hehe.... He has framed it! :) (I have framed my pictures as well, so I shouldn't laugh)

Anyway - side trakcet... Nick and Greg! Yeah... want them both!

YEAY - I THINK!
Do you think I am in charge of what they do? I just lead the pen (hark... keyboard) where they want it...