Living in Frear, chapter 2.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Chapter 2 is up!
This is what I wrote on my vacation in Cyprus, how you all will enjoy it!
It is betaet by the lovely  anmani

 

First chapter can be found here: http://www.nickandgreg.com/desert_archive/viewstory.php?sid=853&PHPSESSID=676322d625a40af0dd1d526f1348b8c7
(I direct you to What makes the desert beautiful, because this is the only place I have a betaed version of the first chapter)

 

Grissom looked at the door closing behind the two men leaving the office. Looking at his desk, his experiments occupying the shelters and the bugs spread out in front of him, he tried to remember why he wanted to become a supervisor in the first place. There was many things he loved about his job, a few things he hated, many things he was good at, even a good deal he was brilliant at, but there was one part of the job he failed; people. His people trusted him, he knew that. They respected him, he knew that too. What he didn’t know was how he could have missed this; his failure in this was absolute.

 

For a man reading people for a living he had failed miserably reading his own. He didn’t blame himself for not seeing the relationship developing between Greg and Nick; no, romance was not his strong suit. Besides, Nick and Greg had done a good job hiding it. Grissom was pretty sure even Catherine was in the dark about this, and she usually knew even before the involved parties did. Now that he knew however, it was pretty obvious. He had never before given those silent looks a second thought, neither Nick’s eager to deliver the evidence for Greg to process, and even how Greg seemed less on the edge with Nick around. No, what he blamed himself for was missing the fading life in Greg’s eyes. Weren’t he supposed to detect death?

 

Judging from the look in Nick’s eyes, he had not been the only one blaming himself. Nick looked suppressed with guilt and Greg was the one giving comfort by lending him his hand. No words were spoken between them, but a full conversation was yet being spoken. Griss envied them their way of reading and reaching out for each other.

 

Thinking back, Grissom could not pinpoint the actual time the loud lab tech had been replaced with the more silent Greg. His shirts were calmer and his hair was even less spiky. No one had noticed, because conformity was not easy to detect. Somewhere along the way, Greg had turned into one of them and lost himself in the process. The explosion seemed to have been the catalyst.

 

Grissom never missed the immense presentations, but he would gladly change the ‘to-the-point’-Greg with the ‘let-me-put-on-a-show’-Greg if it would light up the flame in his eyes again. He didn’t even know it was missing until he caught him looking at Nick while Nick was talking about their relationship. Looking at his boyfriend, apparently focusing only on him, Greg looked alive for a brief second, and Grissom almost lost his breath in astonishment. How could they have overlooked such a life source fading away?

 

***

 

The group was waiting for him as he entered the break room at the beginning of shift. He noticed Greg and Nick sitting in the couch sharing a huge amount of space between them. Grissom would not have guessed about their relationship looking at them at this moment. They both where drinking a hot liquid out of white paper cups, and his best bet would be Hawaiian Blue. Greg’s expensive blend was mandatory at the assignment handouts. Greg always made much ado about nobody ever being allowed to touch it, but at the same time he filled up the storage whenever someone had found his hidden storage place. He had to find a new place every now and then; he did work with great CSI’s after all.

 

Warrick, Sara and Catherine were facing Nick and Greg and they were all bantering Greg about his sudden disappearance yesterday. Nick did his best to change subject by tossing out topics that all fell dead to the ground. This was a group of people that all knew what they wanted to know and were trained to keep going until they had the answer. It was time for Grissom to step in and save the two members of his team from the rest of them.

 

“Good evening, everyone,” he stepped into the group and drew focus on himself. Greg looked relieved and Nick gave him a smile although not so bright as usual. Catherine shifted in her chair to face him, while Warrick and Sara started gulping their precious coffee to finish before being sent out on a case.

 

“Before I hand out the assignments, there is some personnel issues we must address,” Grissom began. This caught everyone’s attention and even Sara put down her coffee cup. Greg however lifted his to hold between his hands.

“As you all know, Greg left us all of a sudden last night, by resigning his job.” With this all eyes turned to said person, who turned his face down to the coffee cup. “Luckily,” Grissom continued, “We have been able to sort things out today. Greg has decided to stay with us.” The group stirred and although none made a complete sentence, there were happy noises being made and claps on the shoulders being shared. “We will however do some changes,” Grissom broke up the commotion and the faces were yet again painted with light worry. “I am afraid we have been paying much too little attention to Greg after the explosion.” Grissom surprised himself and the others by expressing emotions. “I am truly sorry about this, Greg.”

“No,” Greg replied, “It is not your fault.”

“Yes, Greg.” Grissom looked at him straight in the eyes. “We are all a team and we all have a responsibility to make sure all the members in the team are okay. And as your supervisor I have an extra responsibility to see that all my people function in their jobs, and that they are not harmed in any way; physically or mentally. In your case, I have failed.”

 

The rest of the team looked somewhat embarrassed by Grissom’s unusual expression of feelings and shared guilt lingered in the air.  Nick looked torn by guilt. Again Greg turned to him, this time voicing his words; “no, it is not your fault.”

 

“We had a long conversation before shift, and we have decided that Greg will no longer work in the lab. He will however continue his CSI training. I will try to place him on as many cases as possible to speed up his trainee period, all the fact that he no longer will receive his usual pay check from the DNA lab. There is however a tricky part of the personnel puzzle we have to solve. I cannot place Nick and Greg on the same case.”

 

Warrick, Catherine and Sara looked at Grissom in surprise before they shifted their focus to the two men on the couch. The said men did not know where to focus.

“Why?” Warrick voiced the question the two females only asked with their face expressions.

 

“Nick and Greg have informed me that they are involved on a personal level, and even though there are no rules against inter-office relationships, it’s not a good policy to have a trainee working under his partner. Greg cannot longer be under Nick’s supervision.”

 

While Warrick and Sara mirrored each others puzzled looks, Catherine had her mouth open gasping for air before she got her act together and turned towards the two men. “How did I not see this?”

“What? How long?” Sara also found her voice.
”About a year,” Nick answered, now taking Greg’s hand and closing the gap between them on the couch. “Nothing is changed, really. We are the same, we won’t change the way we acts on work. We just spend our time together outside work, and we love each other, that’s it.”

 

“Anyway,” Grissom broke it off. “This means that I’ll always have to assign Greg to cases lead by someone other than Nick. I don’t expect anyone to have any problems with that. Now, to today’s work: Greg, Catherine, you have a DB in the desert. Nick and Sara you have a B&E, and  Warrick you finish up your ongoing case.”

 

***

 

Greg followed Catherine down the hallway towards the locker room when he remembered he had left his wallet in the break room.
”Cath, I meet you in the car, I left my wallet.”

“Okay,” she waved him off, leaving him without slowing down.

He hurried back to where he’d come from and was just a few feet away when he heard Warrick’s voice: “I don’t get it.”

This wasn’t enough to stop him, but his boyfriends voice made him put on the emergency brakes.

“What?”

 It wasn’t the words that alerted him, but the tone of voice. Nick sounded aggravated and he clearly had an argument with Warrick. Greg had no intention to walk into something he did not want to be a part of, but he wanted to stay close to make sure Nick was okay. He knew how much coming out to Warrick meant to Nick, and how much his acceptance was worth to him. Coming out to his best friend was something Nick did not take lightly, and Greg knew that if this went badly, Nick would be deeply hurt. He prayed to a God he did not believe in, but that he knew Nick relied on, to be by Nick’s side right now. Ironically it was the faith in the same God that made Nick’s acceptance of himself so hard many times, and therefore also raising the fear of coming out.

 

On the one side, Nick had grown up learning about man and woman in holy matrimony. Learning how homosexuality was a sin and against human nature. On the other side his body and his feelings told him otherwise. He had spent many years denying who he was. Two years he had spent denying his feelings for Greg , while Greg himself had flirted willingly away. Greg had been on the borderline of giving up when the accident had occurred in the laboratory and Nick’s fear of loosing Greg had overgrown the fears of facing his own sexuality. The first weeks after the explosion, he had helped Greg anyway he knew how, and anyway Greg would let him. Everyday tasks had become natural to do together, and one day Nick had worked up the courage to ask him out on a date.

 

The first date had not been a success, at the time Greg’s wounds were not healed and the back had ached and it all culminated in a massive migraine. The second date did not carry the weight of a first-date’s expectations, and it had fixed all the negatives from the first one. Given their history they did not need a long time to get to know each other, but they leaped into a relationship right away.

 

The friendship did not wipe all hinders away though, and they made mistakes, forgetting that a friend is different from a boyfriend, and they needed time redefining their roles. But with time they found the rhythm in their relationship. Their biggest worries were anyone finding out. Not that they wanted to keep it a secret, but Nick was not ready to come out to everyone just yet, and they had decided to give it some time. They had wanted to keep it private at least until their relationship was strong enough to carry the extra weight of pressure.

 

The first couple of months their relationship felt fragile and they only enjoyed their love in private.  The third month however, Nick felt he was ready to tell his parents. Telling his parents was a huge step for him, a step he knew he could never undo. He hadn’t been worried about being excluded from the family, his parents would never do that, but Nick was afraid of disappointing them beyond repair. Had he been almost anyone else of his siblings, the case would have been different, but he was not. He was Nick, the baby. The younger of the lot, the one they all loved and pampered, and the one that should bring only joy.

 

His eldest sister was bound by the family traditions and had followed his parents’ choice of careers. This had opened the gates for the younger siblings to have more freedom, now that at least one had fulfilled the family obligation.  The middle siblings did what they wanted, as long as they did not make a mark on the family reputation. And then there was Nick, Nick that would do anything to please.  Nick that from whom every disappointment felt three times heavier than from anyone else. Nick who would keep a secret large as the state of Texas rather than to make his mommy sad, by telling her the babysitter molested him. Nick that at the age of nine learned that he could hide his feelings from is parents if that prevented them from being disappointed in him. 

 

Breaking the news to his parents turned out to be the biggest relief in his life.

 

Encouraged by the acceptance of his parents, they decided to tell their friends as well, but by the time his longing to get out in the field was starting to be too much for Greg and afraid of jeopardizing this opportunity they decided to keep it quiet just a little bit longer. A secret Greg had found it hard to carry, and a secret Greg knew Nick lived with only for him. A secret that was meant to last only until Greg reached CSI one; a secret that was finally out.

 

Greg knew that, besides his parents, Warrick was the one person Nick was most afraid to come out to. His friendship was valuable and he would do nothing to endanger this.

 

Standing outside the break room, listening to the angry voices, Greg’s old fears awoke. There was one thing Greg feared more than anything, and that was that Nick one day would hate him for being the one who had made him take the last step into leading a homosexual life. It was first when Nick sat him down telling him that it had been his decision and his alone that Greg started relaxing. Now all the worries built up again. He had come to the full realization that this conversation was loaded and had the potential to do a lot of damage.

 

“You and Greg,” he heard Warrick spit, “I simply don’t get it.”

Greg made sure he was out of sight from the two friends.
”I didn’t know there was anything to get,” Nick replied, rather irritated by now.
”Come on, here you walk around as the ladies man  you let us all believe you were, talking about girls, fucking Kristy without pay, playing the role as the Texan cowboy  to the fingertips. And now you want me to believe it is Sanders  that makes your juices flow?”

“I never would have figured you as a homophobic, Rick!”

“I’m not,” Warrick cut him off.

“You certainly come off as one.”

“It’s more, it’s… it’s fucking Sanders, man.”

“What exactly are you saying?”

“I can’t believe you even like Sanders, never the less fuck him! Don’t you think that he’s just a tad bit annoying? I mean, yeah, he is a brilliant lab tech, but he is an annoying son of a bitch. CSI wannabe. The way he dress, the way he act. Come on, don’t fuck with me. You aren’t serious about him are you? Tell me this is just an experiment. Something you have to get out of your system. I’m all for it Nick, do whatever you like to have fun, but don’t let this weirdo ruin your life.”

“I tell you just how serious I am with him,” Nick said in a strong, flat voice. “I am serious enough that I chose to risk disappointing my family, ruining my career and loosing my friends to be with him. That is how serious I am. And if you can’t accept that, then that is your problem. Greg is in my life, and if I have anything to say about it, he is there to stay.”

 

Nick hurried out of the break room almost colliding into Greg rounding the corner.
”Sorry, I… Hi Greg.”

“Hi Nick.”

“Hey, are you alright? You look upset.”

“No, I… I overheard your conversation with Warrick.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Greg sighed and looked at Nick. Really looked at him, searching for signs in his body language. He doubted Nick would be fine with Warrick putting them down, but Nick had the right to process the conversation on his own terms and in his own time, without Greg forcing him to talk. If Nick wanted to talk he knew where to find him, and Greg would always lend him his ear. Nick made a move to pass him and walk down the hallway when Greg stopped him.
”Thank you,” Greg told him before he would be too far down to hear his words.

“For what?” Nick turned around facing him.

“For standing up for me,” Greg smiled at him.

“Anytime baby, anytime.”

Greg hesitated a minute before walking into the break room facing Warrick.

“Greg,” Warrick nodded at him as he entered the room. By the expression on Greg’s face, Warrick suspected that he had heard at least parts of the conversation he had with Nick.

“Warrick.”

“Listen Greg…” Warrick started without knowing what to say next.

“What?” Greg waited for him to continue.

“I know you heard the conversation between me and Nick.”

Greg did nothing to deny it.

“Listen,” Warrick gestured at him to give him the chance to explain. “I know I was out of line with you, I’m sorry.”
”Sorry for what? For Nick yelling at you? For me hearing you? I seriously don’t think you are sorry for what you said, because unless something weird has happened since Nick walked out of here, you still feel the same way.”

“I’m..”

“And by the way,” Greg was on the roll and didn’t let him finish, “I am not the one you should apologize to. It’s okay that you don’t like me. I have no need being liked by everyone. Hell, I know I’m not liked by everyone, and I live fine with that. But I can’t accept you disrespecting Nick like that.”

“Disrespect?”

“Yes. I might be as weird as you may think, but Nick has chosen to be with me, believe it or not. We actually fit well together. We make each other happy. You know, I don’t need to make so many annoying performances for him, as you so eloquently expressed it, because he sees me even when I’m quiet.”

 

Warrick did not know how to response, and it wouldn’t matter anyway, because Greg continued with his monologue without a break.  

 

“You may not like me, and I may not be more than a co-worker, lab rat, whatever to you. But you are a friend of Nick. You are one of the few he has been worried to tell about me, because he values your friendship so high. He was afraid to ruin it. And for some reason, he finds me important enough to risk that. At least we can agree on one thing: none of us understand what the hell he sees in me and how I can even be close to be good enough for him. I for sure just hope and pray I do nothing to screw it up as I always do. I will do my best to keep him happy for as long as he wants me. And if you really are his friend, I guess you want him to be happy too, and right now I am the one that makes him most happy. And wanting the best for Nick, we both should try to get along, for him. I don’t ask you to be my friend, I honestly don’t expect that from you, but I ask you, for Nick, can we at least try to get along?”

 

With that Greg picked up his wallet and walked out of the break room, leaving Warrick perplexed wondering when Greg had become this man.

 

***

 ‘Who is this man?’
Warrick used to look at Greg as immature and rather annoying. The man had a brain for sure, but Warrick had never had the patience to wait for Greg to finish. Greg was simply too much.  He was too loud, both in music and in colors, too spiky on his hair, too many words just to tell a simple result. He had too much energy for one person, and was simply too content. Come to think of it, Warrick had never seen Greg grumpy.

He can take the blame for most anything, his own and others mistakes, with a smile on his face. He simply delivers. They ask and he does. Sure he lets them know he is backlogged, overworked and tired, but he never says ‘enough’.

 

It was the entire presentation act that had always put Warrick off. He would rather prefer to just have picked up the result instead of watching Greg finish. He would rather just be handed the paper than having to pay attention to the person behind it. Greg simply demanded attention, too much attention. Yet Warrick had just discovered that this attention had probably prevented him from seeing the real Greg.

 

‘So who is this man?’ he wondered. The man he had watched walking out of the break room was a grave looking man. He had still used many words, yet no single word had been empty. Although the often sugar-high energizer bunny had prevented the rest of them from seeing the depth of Greg, Warrick suspected that Nick had seen him a long time ago. Nick does that. When other skims the surface, Nick looks beyond and beneath. Warrick would not be surprised if, when the rest of them listened to all the nonsense spoken from Greg’s mouth, Nick had been listening to everything Greg did not say. Maybe, when the rest of them heard Greg say ‘yes’, Nick had noticed the tiredness in his eyes. Maybe, when the rest of them were too busy emptying his high-priced stash of coffee he kept filling up for them, Nick kept track of how many cups Greg himself had to drink to keep himself going. Maybe, just maybe, Nick gave him attention un-requested, so that he did not have to ask for it.

 

Watching the slender body disappearing down the hall, Warrick realized all the attention Greg demanded on himself really hid how much he actually gave to the others. Looking at the man walking much stiller than usual, Warrick wondered if the high-demanding act had been a disguise for not showing how much he cares. At that moment Warrick knew he had not known this man at all.

 

TBC

*******************************************
A third (and last?) chapter should be up in  a couple of weeks. It's not all written yet, but I have a pretty good idea what will be in there!

Comments

[stinkymonz.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. Lovely characterisations. Damn.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Thank you :-)
Wow - it feel so good getting positive response!

[punky-cherry-x.livejournal.com]

wow. such a good fic. cant wait for third chapter!!

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Thank you!
I promise, I will work on chapter 3. It is not the easiest to write...

[anmani.livejournal.com]

I love it as you already know.
And yes you really have a good understanding of the characters.
/A

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I know we have had some good talk's during my work with this and your beta-work :-) And you know I really appreaciate hearing that you like it!

It has been a pleassure writing it, and an honour to have you to confide in and learning from!

Tusen takk!