Is it worth it
Oct. 5th, 2005 03:22 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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nickngregI'm trying to catch up with my posting here on lj. So two chapters today.
Title: Is it worth it
Chapter: 12, an extreme morning
Pairing: Nick and Greg
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Greg is fighting hard to deal with Nick's mood swings.
Warning/Spolier: Set after Grave Danger
“I wish I had met someone like you when I was younger.” The sadness in Grissom’s voice was one of these old well known wounds that never actually heal, but you just get used to.
“Someone stole your heart Griss?”
“Yeah a long time ago…” Grissom trailed off as his mind wandered down memory lane.
“Maybe it’s time to steal it back?” He tried to not to put blame and judgment in his words.
“Not the old thing with Sara?” Grissom sighed annoyed.
“Nah, gave up on that a long time ago. But if Cath and Warrick got something going I know who’ll be collecting big time when he comes back to work.” He smiled hoping to ease the irritation showing in the blue eyes.
“Well there’s been a lot of money changing hands recently over you and Nick I think.”
Grissom relaxed and he didn’t have to ask who had won, it could only be Warrick.
“Why’d you give up?” Grissom’s question confused him until he saw the pain flash across his boss face.
“She went out with that Hank-guy and you… well you’re both social dysfunctional so it would make for a disaster.” His last words were not meant in a negative way though Grissom’s initial reaction made him fear that he had overstepped all boundaries.
“Good point. We would probably… Well I guess I need a social counterweight.” Grissom lost himself in thoughts and he started to clear the table. Louise had spilled an awful lot and he found himself angry at Nick for throwing a tantrum instead of helping with Louise. It added another piece to his life-puzzle; he was already taking certain things for granted in his future life with Nick.
He moved with irritated moves as he cleaned Louise and the kitchen and he loathed the thoughts running through his mind. He shouldn’t be angry with Nick; he shouldn’t be thinking about living with Nick, he shouldn’t be feeling so lost just because Nick was throwing a tantrum.
“Greg… Greg? GREG!” Grissom penetrated his rambling thoughts and he stopped dead in his tracks.
“I don’t think it’ll get any cleaner.” He had no idea how many times he had wiped the kitchen table.
“Eh guess not.” The smile on his lips barely made it to life before it disappeared again.
“Take her outside and I’ll see how he is.” Grissom more or less pushed him out the kitchen and he gladly complied. On his way out to the garden he picked up his journal and laptop and some toys for Louise.
Louise played with the cardboard box that he had carried her toys in. Her game fascinated him and he found himself lost in admiration of his little girl. He opened his journal by instinct and started to write.
Stupid Nick.
Stupid Nick had to prove the psych right. So I had to be on the receiving end for the testing-game.
Nick wanted to say grace!!!!!!!!!!
I can live with the fact that he broke my bottle of deodorant.
I mean he bought it. So it was his 40 bucks down the drain.
But I hate that he wasn’t there to help with Louise.
I mean how stupid is that?
It’s not like that we are together… yet.
But we are… duh we do everything together.
I’ve even given up on locking the bathroom door, just in case he needs me.
I love you Nick.
But I hate this whole fucking thing.
I hate not having any privacy any more.
Why do everybody think they know?
Louise is so cute playing with the box for her toys instead of her toys.
Gotta love the little critter.
A familiar fall of feet approached and he closed his journal not wanting Warrick to read its content and certainly not to see the excess amount of hearts sneaking in as usual.
“Hey G.” Warrick had also learned that the door bell was to be avoided so he and Cath usually came and found them in the garden.
“Hey Warrick.” It surprised him to see the other man alone until he saw the defeated face behind the plastic smile.
“Where’s Nicky?” Warrick came over and sat down next to him and focused on Louise.
“Inside having a teenage crisis.” He was too emotionally upset to come up with the full story and Warrick just nodded while he fiddled with one of Louise’s toys.
“Is that why Griss is still here?”
“Yeah.” He had turned his attention to his laptop, since Warrick didn’t seem in the mood for talking.
“Greg, ya know me and Cath we’ve been…” Warrick caught his eyes pleading for understanding and he nodded slowly to encourage his older colleague to continue.
“…seeing each other sort of. Only this morning when we came to her place Linds was home and Cath just sent me packing. I don’t get it.” He knew that Lindsey hadn’t spent much time with her mother after Nick had been kidnapped. The young girl had found her mother harder to deal with than usual and retreated to a friends place.
“I don’t think there is anything to get.” He sighed before elaborating.
“I mean we are all trying to deal with Nick’s burial and it is eating us all up. Maybe she just thought you did it out of pity.” The words had a hard time coming out and he could feel tears lining up to follow the last of them, but he fought them back.
“But I would never… not with her. She’s been through so much shit and I could… never…I mean… shit.” Warrick clenched his jaw as he struggled to talk.
“I love her and I would never do anything to hurt her and I… it wasn’t pity. It wasn’t.” The dark fists clenched even tighter than the jaw as Warrick slowly opened up.
“It can be real hard to see, when things are like this. I know I have my problems dealing with Nick…” He looked down on his own hands expecting them to be shaking, but they weren’t despite his emotional turmoil.
“Still playing the waiting game?” Warrick whispered softly.
“Yup, he… Well he’s not so insistent after they’ve changed his meds, but he has a lot to figure out before he is ready for anything and I… It’s hard to wait. But I don’t want to screw it up.” He gave Warrick a shy glance and even though they had become better at talking it was still a serious uphill climb for them both.
“Wait, I mean look at me I’m all screwed up now.” Warrick kept on whispering as if he didn’t trust his voice enough for regular speech.
“Linds is online if you wanna know what’s up.” He handed Warrick the laptop and showed him his MSN list.
“Hmm could be an idea.” Warrick started chatting with Lindsey and he picked up his journal again.
With Louise cuddled up between them; they focused on each their own task. He wrote some more fears and worries down before turning to the first page that he had kept blank.
Nick if you ever read the content of this journal, please let me know.
Then I can tell you how I felt and when I wrote the entries.
Everything in here evolves around you.
“Linds will drag Cath over here. It seems like she knew more about all this than me.” Warrick sighed and handed him the laptop back. He nodded and was about to say something comforting when Nick came out into the garden.
“Hey Rick, what you’ve done with Cath?” Nick looked pretty normal except for a slight redness around his eyes.
“She wanted to spend time with Linds, but they might stop by later.” Warrick went for the partial truth clearly not wanting to worry his friend more than necessary.
“Sure thing bro.” Nick headed over to the part of the garden that they had been working on the day before and Warrick joined him. Grissom on the other hand sat down on the blanket next to Louise and started to stack some of her blocks. She took that as an open invitation to play the game of her knocking them down and somebody else building them up again.
“You know the first time I saw him cry was when Amy Hendler held him at gunpoint.” Grissom said as he stacked the blocks again.
“He is very sorry about this morning Greg.” His boss continued to stack more blocks.
“It hurts when he cries. I can so see myself give into those tears in the future.” The words were mumbled and he felt weird about actually saying them. But they made Grissom look up and smile.
“At least he is not afraid to let us know how he feels.” The relief in Grissom’s words was strong and he wondered who Nick was being compared to.
“No but I wish that those feelings… that he’ll soon gain full control over his feelings again.” His brain was having a hard time with all the heart to heart talks of the morning and he knew that there would be many more to come during the day.
“We all want that.” Grissom stated dryly and they were saved by Lindsey and Cath arriving.
“Awwwwww she is the cutest baby ever.” Lindsey cooed as she dropped down next to Louise and started playing with the baby. For a while everybody was just looking at the two girls playing and it was a welcome break for him. It also gave him the chance to study the people around him; Grissom looked tired but apart from that the blue eyes didn’t give anything away. Warrick’s look of defeat still clung on him and Catherine looked bewildered as if she had been spun round too many times to know where north was.
When he focused on Nick his heart shattered at the deep frown on the Texans face. Something was harassing Nick and he had no idea what, so he got up and over to him. Wordlessly he put an arm around Nick’s back and tried to see what it was Nick was frowning at. Nick remained completely still and stiff and then he saw the ants in the grass. They were normal ants, but he guessed that to Nick any ant these days was a bad thing.
He turned Nick around with force and dragged him off towards the house. It wasn’t easy Nick was heavier than him and when stiff from fear he seemed to have gained an additional 100 pounds at least. The others had the courtesy to ignore him and Nick, leaving him to only deal with Nick.
Once inside Nick started to defrost and the tremors in his body were so strong that they ended up in a shaky pile on the floor. He moved so he could wrap himself around Nick and he wondered why today was so bad. It seemed that the last few days of relative peace had to be made up for and Nick just went from one extreme to another.
He had no idea how long he sat on the floor with Nick before Grissom gently placed a sleeping Louise next to him and told him that they were leaving for the day. Eventually Nick returned to a more coherent state of mind, but they still remained on the floor long after that, just sitting there for comfort. It wasn’t until Louise crawled off to explore on her own in the kitchen that they moved.
Title: Is it worth it
Chapter: 13, back on the job
Pairing: Nick and Greg
Rating: NC17
Genre: Angst
Summary: Greg has to leave for work, rating is for language.
Warning/Spolier: Set after Grave Danger
There were bad days and worse days and all of a sudden he didn’t have any more vacation left and the trouble with getting a nanny for Louise increased dramatically. Nick had volunteered but he didn’t like the thought of it, since Nick had yet to sleep a full night without nightmares.
“Greg stop pacing.” Nick was folding up the laundry and he was checking his emails in hope that somebody would volunteer for nanny-duty. But all the answers he had received were negative and his search on the internet made him even more agitated as he saw the prices for night hours. So he had begun pacing to figure out a way to have Louise looked after and since he had only one day left of his vacation the stress was building fast.
“But I gotta find somebody Nick, to be here.” He dropped in front of the computer again and hit the send/receive button.
“I told you, I’ll be okay to do it.” Nick had improved drastically in the last three days and he was no longer drowsy because the meds had been reduced.
“Only if you’re absolutely sure.” He could just imagine the two of them alone and all the possible disasters.
“I’m sure Greggo. You gotta let me try.” Nick pleaded and he knew it was time to back off. But it wasn’t just about Nick it was also about his little girl and that made it so damn hard.
It was with a heavy heart he came back to work and there were a lot of people reacting strangely to him. Just the short trip from the parking lot to his locker made him feel uneasy and opening his locker only made it worse. Somebody had slipped a letter in and when he opened it; his whole world seemed to rip open at the hem. It was from a gay-support group within the police force.
He slumped down on the bench with the offensive letter in one hand and stared at it.
“Hey Greg, so you are back to save us from boredom.” Sara started until she noticed his shocked state. She gently eased the letter from him and her cheeks were burning with anger in seconds.
“Why?”
“I… I don’t know, I’ve been…” She looked distraught and he could see that there was something she needed to say.
“What Sara, what is going on here? Is everybody in on how I live?” His voice had become squeaky and he felt like pounding somebody hard.
“There has been a lot of talk and the letters… they started showing up a couple of days ago. I been trying to clear them away, but I missed this… that one.” She tapped the paper in her hand. The anger became more than he could suppress and he launched an attack on the locker in front of him.
The impression of his fists in the locker door told him to stop before the pain registered in his brain and he staggered backwards tripping over the bench. But strong arms caught him and eased him back on his feet.
“I’m sorry man.” Warrick turned him round and held him at arms length searching for eye-contact. He had never figured out the actual color of those eyes, but today they were greener than he recalled.
“Here put on the icepacks.” Sara crushed two instant packs for him and helped him wrap his hands after Warrick sat him down on the bench.
“There has been more letters?” He asked in pure disbelief.
“Yeah, I don’t why people has taken it like this.” Warrick wondered out loud. Sara was kneeling in front of him holding the icepacks in place and he crumbled.
He heard his own voice from a distance rambling about Louise and Nick and how people could be so ignorant. He was very aware of Warrick still holding him and Sara’s angered features in front of him, but it was hard for him to be present.
“Greg, are you sure you can work tonight?” Grissom brought him back to the present and his mind and body caught up with each other.
“I can. I just… I just lost it for a moment, the letter and leaving Louise with Nick.” He sighed and straightened his back to meet the examining glare from his boss.
“Then get ready, see you all in the break room in five.” Grissom left before they had time to argue the order. Neither Sara nor Warrick spoke they just looked at him and backed off to let him have his personal space back.
Despite the protests from his hands he discarded the icepacks, locked his stuff in and headed for the break room. There he was met by Catherine trying to put on a proper face but failing badly.
“Any chance there’s some of my coffee left?” He joked halfheartedly. Catherine opened the freezer and dug out one of Grissom’s boxes and handed it to him. Sara who had just entered took it.
“I’ll get a cup going for you.” He was grateful for Sara’s offer and he sat down on one of the chairs.
“You hid it in one of Griss’ boxes? I never dared go that far.” It had taken Grissom’s colleagues years to convince him to use designated boxes for his experiments and ever since they had been off limits.
“Okay it seems that people are having a tough time staying alive in Vegas tonight.” Grissom said when he entered with the nights assignments. They all sighed in unison.
“Cath you got a DB up north, the officer described the scene as blood all over the place.” Cath took the slip from Grissom and she didn’t even question that she hadn’t been paired up.
“Warrick and Greg, you’ve got one out near Nick’s place. DB was a supposed recluse and they want to know if there was foul play involved in his death.” It was obviously Grissom’s way of telling him that it would be okay to go by Nick and check up on him. But it was upsetting with this kind of care from his boss. It didn’t really give him the opportunity to prove that he was worthy of being a CSI, if people kept babying him.
“Sara you’re with me and a possible find of body parts in a dog kennel.” They read the preliminaries for their case and he carefully maneuvered his cup to avoid the pain in his hands.
“Better check your kit over before we leave Sanders.” Warrick put on the I’m-two-levels-higher-than-you voice and he followed suit when the older man got up.
He replenished his kit under Warrick’s watchful eye and only work related comments were exchanged until they were off driving towards the scene.
“So he’s gonna have me on whatever scene is closest to Nick’s place?” It was more rhetorically than an actual question and Warrick only gave a confirming nod.
“You wanna just tag along G.? Or take the lead?” Warrick had put on his neutral professional voice.
He knew perfectly well what the options meant and also which one he had to take not to hurt his career.
“He could have asked himself. You know I’ll get nowhere if I just tag along man.” The whine in his own words made him cringe and he regretted having said it like that.
“I think he tried to. But eh…” He cut Warrick off.
“He’s social dysfunctional.” He stated flatly.
The DB’s house was only two miles from Nick’s and it looked like any other perfectly normal suburban house. They were met by Det. Vega outside and he briefed them shortly before they entered. He struggled to get the covers on his shoes and the gloves were a journey of pain to pull on. But he did his best not to let anyone see just how stupid his fist against locker had turned out.
“Tell me.” Warrick ordered as they entered the living room.
“White male on the floor on his back. Dressed in sweatpants and a… dress-shirt?!” It was a combination must people would never even think of.
“No exterior signs of violence, no swelling, no marks…” He sniffed trying to figure out what it was that was lingering in the air. His actions made Warrick sniff too and following their noses they were soon bent over the body.
“Almonds! The guy smells of almonds.” His brain quickly started to list what could make a person smell like that.
“Maybe he uses soap or lotion with almond oil in it.” He spoke more to himself than Warrick.
“So?” Warrick had never been one to talk much in his company even though it had changed after Nick’s ordeal.
“So we should search his bathroom and bedroom for almond stuff. We also need to take pictures of the body. But no touching since David hasn’t arrived.” Warrick nodded in approval and he got his camera out. The pain in his hands made it nearly impossible for him to operate the camera and Warrick gave him a knowing glance taking the camera from him.
“Let me have a look.” Warrick reached out for his hands but he moved them out of the other mans reach.
“It’s nothing okay.” He said defensively.
“Come on G. you’re not fooling me man. I have beaten enough walls to know alright.” Warrick took his hands and carefully examined them bending his fingers and moving his wrists. The pain made him see stars on a white background for a few seconds.
“You aren’t a leftie are you?” Warrick supported his left hand gently.
“No, but it has become my restraining hand. You know holding Louise when I change her and holding Nick when…” He didn’t feel like telling Warrick about all Nick’s fears and nightmares, those were for Nick to tell about eventually.
“And well he does outweigh me, so I have gained some strength there. I tend to keep my right hand free for the more delicate work.” He tried to muster a smile.
Warrick went out to the car and got another instant icepack for him and made it very clear that they would drop by the ER for an X-ray of his hand after finishing the scene.
David still hadn’t shown and they took another look at the body.
“Maybe somebody else dressed him. I mean the dress-shirt is easier than a sweater if you have to put it on somebody else and pants with elastic bands are definitely easier.” He found himself thinking of dressing Louise and how some of the very nice outfits were a nightmare to get her into.
“You’ve got a point, but maybe he came home and started changing and only got to the pants before he got disturbed?” Warrick suggested making sure that he kept an open mind.
“Maybe, but we should still look at the shirt buttons for fingerprints.” He moved to the feet to take a closer look at the socks.
“The socks look odd; maybe he was dressed and then dragged here.”
They stood up and looked at the body’s position and agreed that it had probably been dragged from either the bedroom or the bathroom. Still holding the icepack to his left hand he entered the bedroom or more accurately boudoir. It held a huge bed with a bedspread in black lace on a red background and the walls were burgundy in color. There was a black nightstand on either side of the bed. Warrick let out an appreciative whistle and moved carefully into the room.
He shone his flashlight up to the ceiling and the two fluorescent tubes made him certain that this was a room for work. There hung some classic lamps down as well and when lighted they probably made it even cozier. There was a wardrobe to his right and a bin by the door.
“Very classy.” Warrick stated and moved to the nightstand on the right side of the bed. He went to open the one on the left.
His finds made him wonder what else the bedroom would yield. Warrick made a sound of surprise after opening the drawer in the nightstand.
“I’ve got the most complete selection of condoms here.” He stated and Warrick nodded before speaking.
“And I’ve got more brands of lube than I thought existed, plus some unmarked bottles.” Warrick held up a plain brown glass bottle for him to see.
“Homemade massage oil? Try and smell it.” He suggested remembering that he was supposed to take the initiative. Warrick uncapped the bottle and the almond scent filled their noses.
“Looks like we’ve got a winner.” Warrick recapped the bottle and went back to examine the reminder of bottles in the drawer. He was staring in awe at the carefully organized drawer in front of him. There were 4 different sizes and several types within each size and everything was catalogued.
“Condoms and lube within reaching distance. I wonder what he has under the bed.” He gently eased down on the floor scanning for evidence before he made it there.
“Didn’t it say recluse?” Warrick put words to his own wonderings.
“Yeah, well it looks more like a prostitutes work ground than anything else.” He lifted the bedspread and shone the light under the bed. Warrick mirrored his moves and they both pulled out a bed roller.
“I’ve never seen them in black before.” Nick had two transparent under his bed and he had yet to find out what they contained.
“Me neither.” Warrick mumbled and opened his swallowing hard as the lid came of.
“What have you got?” He was still struggling with his.
“Dildos.” Warrick held a big black one up for him to see.
“Are there different sizes?”
“Mmh the box is filled with them.” Warrick looked in awe at the contents and he finally managed to get the lid of the bed roller in front of him.
“Wow, that… oh my.”
“What have you got?” Warrick asked without looking up.
“Love-beads, butt plugs, cock rings, paddles, cuffs and a few things I’m not sure what is.” He held up a strand of love-beads to an openmouthed Warrick.
“Wow.” Warrick swallowed and shook his head.
“You know what they are for right?” He wasn’t sure from his colleague’s reaction and felt the need to clarify. Warrick saved him the explanation by holding up a hand.
A/N: Don't worry I have not forgotten about Nick and the case will continue. But the next chapter still needs some details.
Title: Is it worth it
Chapter: 12, an extreme morning
Pairing: Nick and Greg
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Greg is fighting hard to deal with Nick's mood swings.
Warning/Spolier: Set after Grave Danger
“I wish I had met someone like you when I was younger.” The sadness in Grissom’s voice was one of these old well known wounds that never actually heal, but you just get used to.
“Someone stole your heart Griss?”
“Yeah a long time ago…” Grissom trailed off as his mind wandered down memory lane.
“Maybe it’s time to steal it back?” He tried to not to put blame and judgment in his words.
“Not the old thing with Sara?” Grissom sighed annoyed.
“Nah, gave up on that a long time ago. But if Cath and Warrick got something going I know who’ll be collecting big time when he comes back to work.” He smiled hoping to ease the irritation showing in the blue eyes.
“Well there’s been a lot of money changing hands recently over you and Nick I think.”
Grissom relaxed and he didn’t have to ask who had won, it could only be Warrick.
“Why’d you give up?” Grissom’s question confused him until he saw the pain flash across his boss face.
“She went out with that Hank-guy and you… well you’re both social dysfunctional so it would make for a disaster.” His last words were not meant in a negative way though Grissom’s initial reaction made him fear that he had overstepped all boundaries.
“Good point. We would probably… Well I guess I need a social counterweight.” Grissom lost himself in thoughts and he started to clear the table. Louise had spilled an awful lot and he found himself angry at Nick for throwing a tantrum instead of helping with Louise. It added another piece to his life-puzzle; he was already taking certain things for granted in his future life with Nick.
He moved with irritated moves as he cleaned Louise and the kitchen and he loathed the thoughts running through his mind. He shouldn’t be angry with Nick; he shouldn’t be thinking about living with Nick, he shouldn’t be feeling so lost just because Nick was throwing a tantrum.
“Greg… Greg? GREG!” Grissom penetrated his rambling thoughts and he stopped dead in his tracks.
“I don’t think it’ll get any cleaner.” He had no idea how many times he had wiped the kitchen table.
“Eh guess not.” The smile on his lips barely made it to life before it disappeared again.
“Take her outside and I’ll see how he is.” Grissom more or less pushed him out the kitchen and he gladly complied. On his way out to the garden he picked up his journal and laptop and some toys for Louise.
Louise played with the cardboard box that he had carried her toys in. Her game fascinated him and he found himself lost in admiration of his little girl. He opened his journal by instinct and started to write.
Stupid Nick.
Stupid Nick had to prove the psych right. So I had to be on the receiving end for the testing-game.
Nick wanted to say grace!!!!!!!!!!
I can live with the fact that he broke my bottle of deodorant.
I mean he bought it. So it was his 40 bucks down the drain.
But I hate that he wasn’t there to help with Louise.
I mean how stupid is that?
It’s not like that we are together… yet.
But we are… duh we do everything together.
I’ve even given up on locking the bathroom door, just in case he needs me.
I love you Nick.
But I hate this whole fucking thing.
I hate not having any privacy any more.
Why do everybody think they know?
Louise is so cute playing with the box for her toys instead of her toys.
Gotta love the little critter.
A familiar fall of feet approached and he closed his journal not wanting Warrick to read its content and certainly not to see the excess amount of hearts sneaking in as usual.
“Hey G.” Warrick had also learned that the door bell was to be avoided so he and Cath usually came and found them in the garden.
“Hey Warrick.” It surprised him to see the other man alone until he saw the defeated face behind the plastic smile.
“Where’s Nicky?” Warrick came over and sat down next to him and focused on Louise.
“Inside having a teenage crisis.” He was too emotionally upset to come up with the full story and Warrick just nodded while he fiddled with one of Louise’s toys.
“Is that why Griss is still here?”
“Yeah.” He had turned his attention to his laptop, since Warrick didn’t seem in the mood for talking.
“Greg, ya know me and Cath we’ve been…” Warrick caught his eyes pleading for understanding and he nodded slowly to encourage his older colleague to continue.
“…seeing each other sort of. Only this morning when we came to her place Linds was home and Cath just sent me packing. I don’t get it.” He knew that Lindsey hadn’t spent much time with her mother after Nick had been kidnapped. The young girl had found her mother harder to deal with than usual and retreated to a friends place.
“I don’t think there is anything to get.” He sighed before elaborating.
“I mean we are all trying to deal with Nick’s burial and it is eating us all up. Maybe she just thought you did it out of pity.” The words had a hard time coming out and he could feel tears lining up to follow the last of them, but he fought them back.
“But I would never… not with her. She’s been through so much shit and I could… never…I mean… shit.” Warrick clenched his jaw as he struggled to talk.
“I love her and I would never do anything to hurt her and I… it wasn’t pity. It wasn’t.” The dark fists clenched even tighter than the jaw as Warrick slowly opened up.
“It can be real hard to see, when things are like this. I know I have my problems dealing with Nick…” He looked down on his own hands expecting them to be shaking, but they weren’t despite his emotional turmoil.
“Still playing the waiting game?” Warrick whispered softly.
“Yup, he… Well he’s not so insistent after they’ve changed his meds, but he has a lot to figure out before he is ready for anything and I… It’s hard to wait. But I don’t want to screw it up.” He gave Warrick a shy glance and even though they had become better at talking it was still a serious uphill climb for them both.
“Wait, I mean look at me I’m all screwed up now.” Warrick kept on whispering as if he didn’t trust his voice enough for regular speech.
“Linds is online if you wanna know what’s up.” He handed Warrick the laptop and showed him his MSN list.
“Hmm could be an idea.” Warrick started chatting with Lindsey and he picked up his journal again.
With Louise cuddled up between them; they focused on each their own task. He wrote some more fears and worries down before turning to the first page that he had kept blank.
Nick if you ever read the content of this journal, please let me know.
Then I can tell you how I felt and when I wrote the entries.
Everything in here evolves around you.
“Linds will drag Cath over here. It seems like she knew more about all this than me.” Warrick sighed and handed him the laptop back. He nodded and was about to say something comforting when Nick came out into the garden.
“Hey Rick, what you’ve done with Cath?” Nick looked pretty normal except for a slight redness around his eyes.
“She wanted to spend time with Linds, but they might stop by later.” Warrick went for the partial truth clearly not wanting to worry his friend more than necessary.
“Sure thing bro.” Nick headed over to the part of the garden that they had been working on the day before and Warrick joined him. Grissom on the other hand sat down on the blanket next to Louise and started to stack some of her blocks. She took that as an open invitation to play the game of her knocking them down and somebody else building them up again.
“You know the first time I saw him cry was when Amy Hendler held him at gunpoint.” Grissom said as he stacked the blocks again.
“He is very sorry about this morning Greg.” His boss continued to stack more blocks.
“It hurts when he cries. I can so see myself give into those tears in the future.” The words were mumbled and he felt weird about actually saying them. But they made Grissom look up and smile.
“At least he is not afraid to let us know how he feels.” The relief in Grissom’s words was strong and he wondered who Nick was being compared to.
“No but I wish that those feelings… that he’ll soon gain full control over his feelings again.” His brain was having a hard time with all the heart to heart talks of the morning and he knew that there would be many more to come during the day.
“We all want that.” Grissom stated dryly and they were saved by Lindsey and Cath arriving.
“Awwwwww she is the cutest baby ever.” Lindsey cooed as she dropped down next to Louise and started playing with the baby. For a while everybody was just looking at the two girls playing and it was a welcome break for him. It also gave him the chance to study the people around him; Grissom looked tired but apart from that the blue eyes didn’t give anything away. Warrick’s look of defeat still clung on him and Catherine looked bewildered as if she had been spun round too many times to know where north was.
When he focused on Nick his heart shattered at the deep frown on the Texans face. Something was harassing Nick and he had no idea what, so he got up and over to him. Wordlessly he put an arm around Nick’s back and tried to see what it was Nick was frowning at. Nick remained completely still and stiff and then he saw the ants in the grass. They were normal ants, but he guessed that to Nick any ant these days was a bad thing.
He turned Nick around with force and dragged him off towards the house. It wasn’t easy Nick was heavier than him and when stiff from fear he seemed to have gained an additional 100 pounds at least. The others had the courtesy to ignore him and Nick, leaving him to only deal with Nick.
Once inside Nick started to defrost and the tremors in his body were so strong that they ended up in a shaky pile on the floor. He moved so he could wrap himself around Nick and he wondered why today was so bad. It seemed that the last few days of relative peace had to be made up for and Nick just went from one extreme to another.
He had no idea how long he sat on the floor with Nick before Grissom gently placed a sleeping Louise next to him and told him that they were leaving for the day. Eventually Nick returned to a more coherent state of mind, but they still remained on the floor long after that, just sitting there for comfort. It wasn’t until Louise crawled off to explore on her own in the kitchen that they moved.
Title: Is it worth it
Chapter: 13, back on the job
Pairing: Nick and Greg
Rating: NC17
Genre: Angst
Summary: Greg has to leave for work, rating is for language.
Warning/Spolier: Set after Grave Danger
There were bad days and worse days and all of a sudden he didn’t have any more vacation left and the trouble with getting a nanny for Louise increased dramatically. Nick had volunteered but he didn’t like the thought of it, since Nick had yet to sleep a full night without nightmares.
“Greg stop pacing.” Nick was folding up the laundry and he was checking his emails in hope that somebody would volunteer for nanny-duty. But all the answers he had received were negative and his search on the internet made him even more agitated as he saw the prices for night hours. So he had begun pacing to figure out a way to have Louise looked after and since he had only one day left of his vacation the stress was building fast.
“But I gotta find somebody Nick, to be here.” He dropped in front of the computer again and hit the send/receive button.
“I told you, I’ll be okay to do it.” Nick had improved drastically in the last three days and he was no longer drowsy because the meds had been reduced.
“Only if you’re absolutely sure.” He could just imagine the two of them alone and all the possible disasters.
“I’m sure Greggo. You gotta let me try.” Nick pleaded and he knew it was time to back off. But it wasn’t just about Nick it was also about his little girl and that made it so damn hard.
It was with a heavy heart he came back to work and there were a lot of people reacting strangely to him. Just the short trip from the parking lot to his locker made him feel uneasy and opening his locker only made it worse. Somebody had slipped a letter in and when he opened it; his whole world seemed to rip open at the hem. It was from a gay-support group within the police force.
He slumped down on the bench with the offensive letter in one hand and stared at it.
“Hey Greg, so you are back to save us from boredom.” Sara started until she noticed his shocked state. She gently eased the letter from him and her cheeks were burning with anger in seconds.
“Why?”
“I… I don’t know, I’ve been…” She looked distraught and he could see that there was something she needed to say.
“What Sara, what is going on here? Is everybody in on how I live?” His voice had become squeaky and he felt like pounding somebody hard.
“There has been a lot of talk and the letters… they started showing up a couple of days ago. I been trying to clear them away, but I missed this… that one.” She tapped the paper in her hand. The anger became more than he could suppress and he launched an attack on the locker in front of him.
The impression of his fists in the locker door told him to stop before the pain registered in his brain and he staggered backwards tripping over the bench. But strong arms caught him and eased him back on his feet.
“I’m sorry man.” Warrick turned him round and held him at arms length searching for eye-contact. He had never figured out the actual color of those eyes, but today they were greener than he recalled.
“Here put on the icepacks.” Sara crushed two instant packs for him and helped him wrap his hands after Warrick sat him down on the bench.
“There has been more letters?” He asked in pure disbelief.
“Yeah, I don’t why people has taken it like this.” Warrick wondered out loud. Sara was kneeling in front of him holding the icepacks in place and he crumbled.
He heard his own voice from a distance rambling about Louise and Nick and how people could be so ignorant. He was very aware of Warrick still holding him and Sara’s angered features in front of him, but it was hard for him to be present.
“Greg, are you sure you can work tonight?” Grissom brought him back to the present and his mind and body caught up with each other.
“I can. I just… I just lost it for a moment, the letter and leaving Louise with Nick.” He sighed and straightened his back to meet the examining glare from his boss.
“Then get ready, see you all in the break room in five.” Grissom left before they had time to argue the order. Neither Sara nor Warrick spoke they just looked at him and backed off to let him have his personal space back.
Despite the protests from his hands he discarded the icepacks, locked his stuff in and headed for the break room. There he was met by Catherine trying to put on a proper face but failing badly.
“Any chance there’s some of my coffee left?” He joked halfheartedly. Catherine opened the freezer and dug out one of Grissom’s boxes and handed it to him. Sara who had just entered took it.
“I’ll get a cup going for you.” He was grateful for Sara’s offer and he sat down on one of the chairs.
“You hid it in one of Griss’ boxes? I never dared go that far.” It had taken Grissom’s colleagues years to convince him to use designated boxes for his experiments and ever since they had been off limits.
“Okay it seems that people are having a tough time staying alive in Vegas tonight.” Grissom said when he entered with the nights assignments. They all sighed in unison.
“Cath you got a DB up north, the officer described the scene as blood all over the place.” Cath took the slip from Grissom and she didn’t even question that she hadn’t been paired up.
“Warrick and Greg, you’ve got one out near Nick’s place. DB was a supposed recluse and they want to know if there was foul play involved in his death.” It was obviously Grissom’s way of telling him that it would be okay to go by Nick and check up on him. But it was upsetting with this kind of care from his boss. It didn’t really give him the opportunity to prove that he was worthy of being a CSI, if people kept babying him.
“Sara you’re with me and a possible find of body parts in a dog kennel.” They read the preliminaries for their case and he carefully maneuvered his cup to avoid the pain in his hands.
“Better check your kit over before we leave Sanders.” Warrick put on the I’m-two-levels-higher-than-you voice and he followed suit when the older man got up.
He replenished his kit under Warrick’s watchful eye and only work related comments were exchanged until they were off driving towards the scene.
“So he’s gonna have me on whatever scene is closest to Nick’s place?” It was more rhetorically than an actual question and Warrick only gave a confirming nod.
“You wanna just tag along G.? Or take the lead?” Warrick had put on his neutral professional voice.
He knew perfectly well what the options meant and also which one he had to take not to hurt his career.
“He could have asked himself. You know I’ll get nowhere if I just tag along man.” The whine in his own words made him cringe and he regretted having said it like that.
“I think he tried to. But eh…” He cut Warrick off.
“He’s social dysfunctional.” He stated flatly.
The DB’s house was only two miles from Nick’s and it looked like any other perfectly normal suburban house. They were met by Det. Vega outside and he briefed them shortly before they entered. He struggled to get the covers on his shoes and the gloves were a journey of pain to pull on. But he did his best not to let anyone see just how stupid his fist against locker had turned out.
“Tell me.” Warrick ordered as they entered the living room.
“White male on the floor on his back. Dressed in sweatpants and a… dress-shirt?!” It was a combination must people would never even think of.
“No exterior signs of violence, no swelling, no marks…” He sniffed trying to figure out what it was that was lingering in the air. His actions made Warrick sniff too and following their noses they were soon bent over the body.
“Almonds! The guy smells of almonds.” His brain quickly started to list what could make a person smell like that.
“Maybe he uses soap or lotion with almond oil in it.” He spoke more to himself than Warrick.
“So?” Warrick had never been one to talk much in his company even though it had changed after Nick’s ordeal.
“So we should search his bathroom and bedroom for almond stuff. We also need to take pictures of the body. But no touching since David hasn’t arrived.” Warrick nodded in approval and he got his camera out. The pain in his hands made it nearly impossible for him to operate the camera and Warrick gave him a knowing glance taking the camera from him.
“Let me have a look.” Warrick reached out for his hands but he moved them out of the other mans reach.
“It’s nothing okay.” He said defensively.
“Come on G. you’re not fooling me man. I have beaten enough walls to know alright.” Warrick took his hands and carefully examined them bending his fingers and moving his wrists. The pain made him see stars on a white background for a few seconds.
“You aren’t a leftie are you?” Warrick supported his left hand gently.
“No, but it has become my restraining hand. You know holding Louise when I change her and holding Nick when…” He didn’t feel like telling Warrick about all Nick’s fears and nightmares, those were for Nick to tell about eventually.
“And well he does outweigh me, so I have gained some strength there. I tend to keep my right hand free for the more delicate work.” He tried to muster a smile.
Warrick went out to the car and got another instant icepack for him and made it very clear that they would drop by the ER for an X-ray of his hand after finishing the scene.
David still hadn’t shown and they took another look at the body.
“Maybe somebody else dressed him. I mean the dress-shirt is easier than a sweater if you have to put it on somebody else and pants with elastic bands are definitely easier.” He found himself thinking of dressing Louise and how some of the very nice outfits were a nightmare to get her into.
“You’ve got a point, but maybe he came home and started changing and only got to the pants before he got disturbed?” Warrick suggested making sure that he kept an open mind.
“Maybe, but we should still look at the shirt buttons for fingerprints.” He moved to the feet to take a closer look at the socks.
“The socks look odd; maybe he was dressed and then dragged here.”
They stood up and looked at the body’s position and agreed that it had probably been dragged from either the bedroom or the bathroom. Still holding the icepack to his left hand he entered the bedroom or more accurately boudoir. It held a huge bed with a bedspread in black lace on a red background and the walls were burgundy in color. There was a black nightstand on either side of the bed. Warrick let out an appreciative whistle and moved carefully into the room.
He shone his flashlight up to the ceiling and the two fluorescent tubes made him certain that this was a room for work. There hung some classic lamps down as well and when lighted they probably made it even cozier. There was a wardrobe to his right and a bin by the door.
“Very classy.” Warrick stated and moved to the nightstand on the right side of the bed. He went to open the one on the left.
His finds made him wonder what else the bedroom would yield. Warrick made a sound of surprise after opening the drawer in the nightstand.
“I’ve got the most complete selection of condoms here.” He stated and Warrick nodded before speaking.
“And I’ve got more brands of lube than I thought existed, plus some unmarked bottles.” Warrick held up a plain brown glass bottle for him to see.
“Homemade massage oil? Try and smell it.” He suggested remembering that he was supposed to take the initiative. Warrick uncapped the bottle and the almond scent filled their noses.
“Looks like we’ve got a winner.” Warrick recapped the bottle and went back to examine the reminder of bottles in the drawer. He was staring in awe at the carefully organized drawer in front of him. There were 4 different sizes and several types within each size and everything was catalogued.
“Condoms and lube within reaching distance. I wonder what he has under the bed.” He gently eased down on the floor scanning for evidence before he made it there.
“Didn’t it say recluse?” Warrick put words to his own wonderings.
“Yeah, well it looks more like a prostitutes work ground than anything else.” He lifted the bedspread and shone the light under the bed. Warrick mirrored his moves and they both pulled out a bed roller.
“I’ve never seen them in black before.” Nick had two transparent under his bed and he had yet to find out what they contained.
“Me neither.” Warrick mumbled and opened his swallowing hard as the lid came of.
“What have you got?” He was still struggling with his.
“Dildos.” Warrick held a big black one up for him to see.
“Are there different sizes?”
“Mmh the box is filled with them.” Warrick looked in awe at the contents and he finally managed to get the lid of the bed roller in front of him.
“Wow, that… oh my.”
“What have you got?” Warrick asked without looking up.
“Love-beads, butt plugs, cock rings, paddles, cuffs and a few things I’m not sure what is.” He held up a strand of love-beads to an openmouthed Warrick.
“Wow.” Warrick swallowed and shook his head.
“You know what they are for right?” He wasn’t sure from his colleague’s reaction and felt the need to clarify. Warrick saved him the explanation by holding up a hand.
A/N: Don't worry I have not forgotten about Nick and the case will continue. But the next chapter still needs some details.
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