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Sep. 29th, 2005 07:27 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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nickngregTitle: Baby Steps 6: Layers
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Spoilers: Grave Danger
Disclaimer: I do not own but I like borrow them to give them exercise and help keep them in shape before I put them back.
Thank you to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
godgaleshot, fred_bear for their insightful beta. And to kahlualeia and helena_eternal for their continued interest and support.
Baby Steps 6 – Layers
When Nick woke up again, he was curled around Greg, one arm draped over his waist, holding him close. He listened to Greg’s breathing, slow and deep, the sleep of total exhaustion. He slowly extricated himself without waking Greg and went to the window, stretching and yawning. Hearing the cicadas humming and seeing the heat shimmer off the dusty yard, Nick knew it was going to be a hot, humid Texas day.
He pulled on some clothes and boots and went downstairs quietly. Jillian had left a note:
Boys, Help yourself to anything in the fridge,
except the meat for the barbecue.
Your dad and I had to go into town,
but we should be back by 4.
Love you, Mom.
Nick grabbed some orange juice from the fridge and drank directly from the carton, smiling at the thought that his mother would kill him if she saw that, but there wasn’t much left anyway. He tossed the empty carton in the garbage and went out to the small corral, grabbing a hat from the peg labeled Nicky on the way out the door. He leaned his arms on the top rail watching Sonic lazily flick flies with his tail.
“Hey, Nicky, how you doing?”
“Great Marcos, really good.”
“Want to take him out? I could saddle him for you,” Marcos asked.
“Yeah, I’d like to take him out but I can do it myself.”
“Let me do it for you, Nicky. Don’t get to see you so much any more.”
“I’ll help.”
Nick climbed over the fence and walked slowly to Sonic, crooning to him and caught him by the bridle. Marcos opened the gate and they walked slowly down to the barn. In silence, the men got the horse saddled and Nick mounted, controlling Sonic’s initial nervous dancing.
“What if your friend, Greg, comes down? Should I put him on Padre?”
“I think he’ll be asleep for a while longer,” Nick replied absently. “But don’t let him go out by himself, I’ll be back soon.”
He turned Sonic’s head toward the same path he’d taken yesterday. Yesterday he’d ridden that way with Greg and all he’d been able to think about was being alone with him. Today he felt so different, lighter somehow, but also dreading the moment when he saw his mother and father again. If only he never needed to discuss this for a second time. He knew they would need to talk after the accusation he’d flung at them yesterday. He hung his head as he thought about that. Knowing what he did now, what he’d seen in the course of his job, he knew that often parents were unable to read the signals right.
He loved Greg more than anyone in the world and he wasn’t even able to be direct with him. He’d had so much practice in holding people off from his pain and vulnerability that he didn’t know if he could stop it now. Dimly, he realized he had developed techniques that allowed the people in his life to believe they were getting close to him without him having to reveal anything that he felt. Hiding in plain sight. He wondered if Warrick would still feel like they were close friends when he thought about all the things ’Rick didn’t know about him.
He stopped squinting as the sun was screened by the shade of the cottonwoods. He followed the path down to the creek to the same spot as yesterday, dismounting and tethering Sonic so he could graze. Nick sat on the same rock, dangling his feet over the creek, swinging them slightly as he leaned back, locked arms supporting him. He closed his eyes and turned his face up toward the filtered sunlight, breathing the humid air deep into his lungs. Finally he lay down on his back on the smooth surface of the rock, lulled into a doze by the quiet sounds and warm breeze.
“Nicky.”
“Mama.”
“You haven’t called me that in ages,” Jillian said, as she sat quietly next to Nick, not touching him. He opened his eyes and looked up at her profile. She hugged her arms around her knees, looking over the creek into the shadows of the trees.
“I know.”
Nick closed his eyes again.
“We need to talk.”
“I know.”
“This is hard.”
“For me, too.”
He heard the shaky intake of her breath.
“We need to– I need to apologize to you, Nicky.”
“No, you don’t– I didn’t mean what I said yesterday…”
“Yes, you did,” Jillian said sadly. “You have a right to; we should have saved you somehow.”
“Look, in my job, I see a lot, I know a lot more now, I know how difficult it is to spot–”
“But I did spot it, Nicky, I just spotted the wrong thing.” Jillian’s voice broke, then continued steadily. “I knew something was wrong the minute I looked into your room when I got home. I knew you weren’t asleep, but I thought maybe you’d been reading with the flashlight like you sometimes used to when you didn’t want to get caught.”
Nick chuckled a little.
“But the next morning, when you came to breakfast, I knew something was wrong. I don’t know if you remember, I gave you a bath–”
“Yeah, I do, I thought I’d done something else wrong,” Nick said before he could stop himself and then bit his lip.
“Oh, no honey. It wasn’t that. I saw your eyes. I knew something was wrong. I gave you that bath because I was looking for bruises, I was so terrified that babysitter had done something to hurt you, hit you maybe.” Jillian bit her lip in turn.
“I was so relieved that I found no marks on your skin, I forgot to look for the marks on your spirit. I dressed you and packed you off to school with your lunch, hoping like hell that look would be gone from your eyes when you came home.”
She fished a tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose defiantly.
“It wasn’t. And I can’t forgive myself. I saw the fear and I didn’t know how to ask you… I didn’t want to hear–”
“Mama, stop!” Nick sat up and put his arms around her. “Don’t blame yourself–”
“But I do, Nicky,” Jillian sighed. “Ysabel, remember her?” Nick nodded. “She wasn’t available that night and the dinner was so important to your father, it was so important to him that I be there. I called my friend Sarah, she recommended this girl, Margery, and I trusted her judgment, Lord help me. I didn’t see anything about the girl when she showed up that would have warned me that I shouldn’t leave my precious children in her control and go to a dinner,” she spat.
“Mama, please, don’t–”
“Nicky, I know it didn’t completely ruin your life, but this girl and I robbed you of innocence, many years where you could have found love, both to give and receive. You kept this terrible secret without any support from your father or me. Believe me, we both regret it so much.” She waved an impatient hand, pulling away from Nick as he tried to hug her in closer.
“I know it was a different time, there wasn’t as much information around and I didn’t know this could happen. But I am your mother; I’m supposed to protect you. Your father and I tried to make your home a safe and loving place for you, and then we invited the monster inside and handed you over to her.” She shook her head, tears running down her face.
Nick squeezed her hand in silence, knowing she had to say this, she had to get it out and set it free.
“I didn’t question you, I was afraid to make it worse. There wasn’t a psychiatrist on every corner like there is nowadays. I didn’t know where to turn. So I just left it alone and tried to love you as hard as I could, to make it up to you. Sweetheart, I want you to know how much I regret the decisions I made that led to so much pain for you. I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. You’ve grown up into a fine man.” Jillian cupped Nick’s chin in her hand, for the first time looking directly into his eyes.
“I can see the pain has diminished over time. And there’s love and strength in your face, compassion and empathy.” Jillian sighed. “They say the heat that melts butter also strengthens steel and that’s certainly true of you. Your life could have been so much easier and safer but you’ve taken that pain and betrayal, and grown into a beautiful, loving man, and I’m so very proud of you.”
“Oh, mama,” Nick felt tears slide down his face and he leaned into her embrace.
“Don’t cry, my little Nicky,” she crooned, “Mama’s here.” Her voice broke again and she laughed, “We’re going to slide into the creek on our tears if we keep this up. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cry all over you, but I had to apologize to you. And I will support you in anyway I can, you know that.”
They held each other in silence for a time.
“I have found love, Mama.”
“I know. Greg is a wonderful man and he loves you very much, I could see that right away,” she responded with a gentle smile. “I see the difference that love has made in you too.”
Nick pulled himself up and searched her eyes. “When did you know?”
“About Greg?” Nick nodded.
“We knew you’d found someone and we thought it might be Greg because you talk about him a lot,” she said with laughter in her eyes. “I don’t know if you know how much you talk about him and what you two do together. But we knew for sure at the hospital. We used to see him come back, sneak into your room and hold you. That’s why we were able to leave you and go back to our hotel.”
“I’m so glad you brought him with you. I can see you love each other so much. And I know that you’ve had to let go of some of your defenses to be able to keep a man like that loving you.”
Nicked sniffed and accepted a tissue from her. “I thought you were going into town with Dad.”
“I changed my mind. He wanted me to attend an event with him, but this time I put you first,” she responded.
“I did too,” said Bill, stepping out of the shadows into the sunlight.
Jillian stood up and hugged her husband, kissing him on the mouth. “I’m so glad you changed your mind, dear,” she said. “I’ll leave you alone with Nick for a while.” She turned to Nick and said accusingly, “And don’t let me catch you drinking out of the carton again.” She gathered the reins of the small grey mare she’d ridden, mounted and disappeared down the path with a wave.
“Eyes in the back of her head,” murmured Nick.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, Cisco.” Nick grinned at his father.
Bill gripped Nick’s shoulder, almost painfully. “Let’s sit. We need to talk.”
Nick relaxed on the rock again. This was the other thing he’d been dreading but the conversation with his mother had helped him see that sometimes his fears were worse than the reality. Greg was fond of saying that as soon as he figured out what he was afraid of he ran toward it instead of away because it was never as scary as the fear itself. For the first time, Nick had a dim understanding what Greg was trying to say: he refused to be a hostage to his fear.
Bill sat stiffly next to Nick. “Did your mother tell you how sorry we are?”
“Yeah. Yeah she did.”
Silence.
“When all you kids were out of the house, none of you know this except for Lily and Billiam, but your mother and I went through a hard time. Empty nest syndrome they call it. After all those years of marriage, I thought we knew each other very well. Seems I was wrong.” He sighed. “Your mother started brooding. Worried about every mistake we made with you kids, wondered how I felt about it. We started talking, no, actually we were fighting. Even separated for a while.”
Nick started with surprise and made a small sound.
Bill smiled without amusement. “Finally got me to agree to go to therapy. I wasn’t going to take a chance on losing your mother. She’s one in a million, son, one in a million.”
“That she is,” agreed Nick. “If I could have found a woman like her–”
“Doesn’t have to be a woman, Pancho. I think you did find someone like her.” Bill smiled kindly at Nick.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do I get the idea that it’s not that big of a surprise to everyone that I’m gay?”
“Your mother. She knew before you were out of high school.”
“Did she tell you, tell everyone?”
“No, she didn’t tell me till you were out of college. I never had a clue. I mean, all those girls you went out with.” Bill shook his head. “Your mother pointed out that you never brought the same girl home twice. And plenty of them were very nice, but you treated them like buddies.”
“Well I’ll be damned.” Nick shook his head. “So what did you think when she told you?”
“I thought all the usual uninformed things, she spoiled you, she was too easy on you, coddled you. When we figured out about the abuse, you know, with the… um, I thought that did it.” Bill sighed with regret. “Good thing we got to that counselor. I accused your mother of all those things. But she’s a strong woman, not one to be knocked down by a little name-calling. And when she took our wedding vows she meant them. She tossed me out of the house but she wasn’t planning to toss away our marriage. She worked and she made me work to save it.”
“I can’t believe this,” Nick felt like he was floating in air.
“It takes work to make any relationship succeed, Pancho and we were so focused on our jobs and raising you kids that we didn’t take the time to focus on each other. And we raised you, but we didn’t always give all of you what you needed. In our rush to provide you with a nice home and toys and horses and a good education, we sometimes forgot to give you the things you needed more. Especially when it was difficult to do.”
“I know your mother apologized and I want to add my own. That so-called babysitter, that’s something that never should have happened to you. Never. You didn’t deserve it and your life was derailed. We saw something was wrong and we didn’t know how to fix it. Where we really slipped up is that we didn’t ask. We didn’t ask you or anyone who could have helped you. Our shame became your shame, and you have nothing, nothing to be ashamed of, son. We’re both very proud of you.”
Bill looked into Nick’s eyes and pulled him into a rare hug. Nick’s arms came up slowly and tears ran down his face, blotting into his father’s shirt. All that time he'd spent hiding his shame, worrying that he wasn’t perfect, wasn’t good enough for his parents and it turned out everything he’d wanted was already his.
He smiled because he knew that even if they’d told him all this years ago, he never would have been able to hear it. He just wasn’t ready. The price he paid to get here was steep, but he could never have earned it at a cheaper cost.
“I’m glad you brought Greg to meet us,” Bill said gruffly, releasing Nick and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I am honored that you trusted us enough to bring him. He’s a great guy.” He patted Nick’s back.
“I’m going back to the house. Don’t be late for dinner. Don’t want to upset your mother.” Bill stood and mounted his horse, gave Nick a little salute and went.
Nick settled back down on the rock. He had stuff to think about.
~*~
“What are you doing?”
Greg was sitting on the stairs, staring at the picture wall, mouth moving silently, paper and pen in hand.
“Oh, Nicky. I’m memorizing your siblings. After this I’ll go into the family room and start on spouses and kids. Your mom promised to help me.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Well, they’re all coming tomorrow for the barbecue, right? I want to be able to tell them apart and call them by name.”
“Believe me, they’ll understand if you get it wrong. There were so many of us, even my parents sometimes called me by the wrong name. Imagine how much I enjoyed being called Jen, Helena or Zo’e.”
“But there’s only one of me and they’ll all know who I am right away,” Greg laughed at the thought of Nick being called Jen or Helena. “I want them…to like me,” he added, his voice suddenly unsure.
“They will, trust me on that one, G,” Nick put his arm around him. “Need any help?”
“Yeah, why is your brother called Billiam?”
“His name is William Jr. and he hated Jr. He threatened to kill any and all of us who called him Jr. My dad was already Bill, so he couldn’t be that. So he became Billiam. He likes it and everyone knows who’s talking to whom.”
“Hmm. So it’s Billiam, Lily, Vanessa, Helena, Jen and Zo’e. And last but not least, you”
“Right, you got it. But call Vanessa V, she likes that better.”
“Guess it’s time to move into the family room. Where’d you go today?”
“Down to the creek again. Talked to my mom and then to my dad. My head is spinning.”
“Want to talk about it?” Greg asked.
“Later, probably. I’m going to go get cleaned up for dinner. I already got in trouble for drinking orange juice out of the carton,” Nick said walking up the stairs to their room.
“You didn’t put it back in the refrigerator?” Greg was scandalized.
“Relax, G, it was nearly empty. I threw it away.”
“Still…” Greg murmured, turning back to his research.
~*~
After helping Greg clear up following dinner, Nick wandered out onto the screened porch. It was dark but he heard the swing creak, so he went over and found his mother looking up at the moon.
“Sit,” she patted the cushion next to her.
Nick sat down and she twined her fingers with his.
“How are you, my favorite child?”
“I’m your favorite? I always thought Billiam or Helena was the favorite.”
Jillian laughed her light silvery laugh, so like moonlight dancing over water. “Oh Nicky, I love all my children equally and you’re all my favorite.”
“I don’t get that,” Nick admitted.
“You all are so alike in some ways, and so different in others. You are all born of me and so you are all dear to me. And you all have so many precious gifts; I fall in love with all of you over and over.”
“You still yelled at me for drinking out of the juice container,” Nick reminded her.
“Just because I love you does not mean that you are permitted to act like a pig,” she said primly, then giggled. “Listen to me, I’m nuts.”
“Tell me about why we’re all your favorites, why am I your favorite?” Nick coaxed like a ten year old.
Jillian smiled a smile full of secret mother-wisdom and pushed the swing again so it rocked slowly in the moonlight.
“I could tell a secret to all of you and know that you would keep faith with me,” she started. “All of you are the most beautiful, intelligent, loyal, sensitive and caring people I’ve ever met.”
“Don’t all mothers say that?”
“Yes, but in my case it happens to be true. You really have to pity all those other mothers,” she laughed.
“Billiam is my favorite because he’s my first born. My first baby to hold and to take care of and feed from my own body. And he grew up into such a beautiful boy, sturdy, dependable, intelligent. Dry sense of humor with that little twinkle in his eyes. He’s a wonderful father and husband.”
“Lily,” she mused, “Lily’s not that easy to get to know. She’s beautiful for sure, all our children are gorgeous. She’s the quietest of you lot, but have you read any of her stories?”
Nick shook his head, “I didn’t even know she writes.”
“I’ll give you some of her stuff, that’s where you really get to know her. She has such an honest upstanding soul, a truth seeker. And with all that, she’s got a lovely sense of humor. Without it, a person runs the risk of becoming a zealot. I was always so thankful you all had a sense of humor. It saves, Nicky, saves souls.”
Jillian wiped a tear away. “Vanessa, beautiful of course, is so dependable, kind and true. Loyal to anyone she loves. If you have her for a friend, you would never need another. And she’s true to herself. If she believes in something, she’ll defend it to the death. She is very intelligent and that zany sense of humor of hers cracks me up. I always tell her she has the thighs of a goddess. Another truth seeker, I guess. And loud, she got all the mouth that Lily didn’t.”
“Helena brings laughter to the world. She’s so bright and funny. I never get an email from her without laughing all the way through it. I don’t think she can write a line that isn’t funny. In fact, I’m glad we don’t have close neighbors because they’d think I was crazy if they heard me shrieking with laughter when I read them. She brings grace and light and humor to a world that’s sadly in need of it. And she’s so kind and giving, a true generous friend. If ever you’re depressed, just email her, and you’ll feel better.”
“I have a feeling Greg’s going to get along with her really well. He already admires her taste in ties.”
“He’ll get along with all my lovely children and they’ll all love him,” Jillian said serenely. “Jen is the sweetest of women. She’s so loving and caring and warm. Very empathetic, she is always reaching out to people in trouble. Generous. Compassionate. Beautiful and toweringly strong. Luckily she’s no saint either; she’s got a wicked sense of humor too.”
“Zo’e, my wild child. She’s so independent and brave. She’s always made her own way in the world, never asked for help, so self sufficient. Intelligent and funny. She learned Japanese when she went there on a trip, because she thought it was unfair not to make an effort to communicate. She speaks up and thinks for herself. She has a strong sense of justice and is fiercely protective of those she loves. Creative.”
Jillian faltered.
“I just… realized that Zo’e is…” Nick paused, not knowing how to go on.
“Is a lesbian?” Jillian asked without a tremor. “One of my other regrets is that when she first asked to bring Morgana here for a visit I said no because I was so uncomfortable with the idea. And I asked her not to tell you. I realize I was wrong. I regret so much hurting her that way. Luckily both of them are so gracious they’ve forgiven me.” She sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t made so many mistakes that need forgiving. But I’m making amends, always making amends. You’ve really got Zo’e to thank for our willingness to accept Greg here.”
“And why am I your favorite?” Nick’s voice shook as he looked out into the mysterious moonlit yard, darkness enchanting the most ordinary objects.
“You, my darling, are my baby, my last child. I wanted to hold on to you too much, keep you my baby.” Jillian kissed the hand she was holding. “You are beautiful, intelligent, loving, warm, empathetic, compassionate, strong, dependable and a seeker of truth. You don’t believe those things about yourself but they are absolutely true. You always had that wild joy in discovering the world, you always looked so excited to learn something new. You love to learn. And you have a sense of humor. You can laugh.”
“I get the feeling you value a sense of humor, Mama.”
“Life is so difficult without it,” Jillian said, “And besides you all make me laugh. I love to laugh.”
They sat in silence for a while.
“I am so sorry you were violated, Nicky. I feel I betrayed you–”
“Mama, don’t. I forgive–”
“I never doubted you’d forgive, my dear. And I’m not asking for that, I don’t have the right. I hope to make it up to you by showing you how much I love you. What I did was wrong and it’s terribly difficult to reach back and undo it. I can’t heal your childhood. I want to help you heal now, if I can.”
“Oh, Mama,” was all Nick could say.
They swung in silence.
“You’ve spent the whole day talking to me and your father,” Jillian said, “Don’t you think you should spend a little time with Greg now?”
“Yeah, I have… a lot to tell him.” Nick kissed his mother’s hand in turn. “Thanks, Mama.”
TBC
A/N: Thank you to Gdogaleshot, fred_bear, helena_eternal and kahlualeia for their support and demands that I keep going. Sorry for the delay, this was an incredibly difficult chapter to write.
Chapter 1 here
Chapter 2 here
Chapter 3 here
Chapter 4 here
Chapter 5 here
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Spoilers: Grave Danger
Disclaimer: I do not own but I like borrow them to give them exercise and help keep them in shape before I put them back.
Thank you to
godgaleshot, fred_bear for their insightful beta. And to kahlualeia and helena_eternal for their continued interest and support.Baby Steps 6 – Layers
When Nick woke up again, he was curled around Greg, one arm draped over his waist, holding him close. He listened to Greg’s breathing, slow and deep, the sleep of total exhaustion. He slowly extricated himself without waking Greg and went to the window, stretching and yawning. Hearing the cicadas humming and seeing the heat shimmer off the dusty yard, Nick knew it was going to be a hot, humid Texas day.
He pulled on some clothes and boots and went downstairs quietly. Jillian had left a note:
Boys, Help yourself to anything in the fridge,
except the meat for the barbecue.
Your dad and I had to go into town,
but we should be back by 4.
Love you, Mom.
Nick grabbed some orange juice from the fridge and drank directly from the carton, smiling at the thought that his mother would kill him if she saw that, but there wasn’t much left anyway. He tossed the empty carton in the garbage and went out to the small corral, grabbing a hat from the peg labeled Nicky on the way out the door. He leaned his arms on the top rail watching Sonic lazily flick flies with his tail.
“Hey, Nicky, how you doing?”
“Great Marcos, really good.”
“Want to take him out? I could saddle him for you,” Marcos asked.
“Yeah, I’d like to take him out but I can do it myself.”
“Let me do it for you, Nicky. Don’t get to see you so much any more.”
“I’ll help.”
Nick climbed over the fence and walked slowly to Sonic, crooning to him and caught him by the bridle. Marcos opened the gate and they walked slowly down to the barn. In silence, the men got the horse saddled and Nick mounted, controlling Sonic’s initial nervous dancing.
“What if your friend, Greg, comes down? Should I put him on Padre?”
“I think he’ll be asleep for a while longer,” Nick replied absently. “But don’t let him go out by himself, I’ll be back soon.”
He turned Sonic’s head toward the same path he’d taken yesterday. Yesterday he’d ridden that way with Greg and all he’d been able to think about was being alone with him. Today he felt so different, lighter somehow, but also dreading the moment when he saw his mother and father again. If only he never needed to discuss this for a second time. He knew they would need to talk after the accusation he’d flung at them yesterday. He hung his head as he thought about that. Knowing what he did now, what he’d seen in the course of his job, he knew that often parents were unable to read the signals right.
He loved Greg more than anyone in the world and he wasn’t even able to be direct with him. He’d had so much practice in holding people off from his pain and vulnerability that he didn’t know if he could stop it now. Dimly, he realized he had developed techniques that allowed the people in his life to believe they were getting close to him without him having to reveal anything that he felt. Hiding in plain sight. He wondered if Warrick would still feel like they were close friends when he thought about all the things ’Rick didn’t know about him.
He stopped squinting as the sun was screened by the shade of the cottonwoods. He followed the path down to the creek to the same spot as yesterday, dismounting and tethering Sonic so he could graze. Nick sat on the same rock, dangling his feet over the creek, swinging them slightly as he leaned back, locked arms supporting him. He closed his eyes and turned his face up toward the filtered sunlight, breathing the humid air deep into his lungs. Finally he lay down on his back on the smooth surface of the rock, lulled into a doze by the quiet sounds and warm breeze.
“Nicky.”
“Mama.”
“You haven’t called me that in ages,” Jillian said, as she sat quietly next to Nick, not touching him. He opened his eyes and looked up at her profile. She hugged her arms around her knees, looking over the creek into the shadows of the trees.
“I know.”
Nick closed his eyes again.
“We need to talk.”
“I know.”
“This is hard.”
“For me, too.”
He heard the shaky intake of her breath.
“We need to– I need to apologize to you, Nicky.”
“No, you don’t– I didn’t mean what I said yesterday…”
“Yes, you did,” Jillian said sadly. “You have a right to; we should have saved you somehow.”
“Look, in my job, I see a lot, I know a lot more now, I know how difficult it is to spot–”
“But I did spot it, Nicky, I just spotted the wrong thing.” Jillian’s voice broke, then continued steadily. “I knew something was wrong the minute I looked into your room when I got home. I knew you weren’t asleep, but I thought maybe you’d been reading with the flashlight like you sometimes used to when you didn’t want to get caught.”
Nick chuckled a little.
“But the next morning, when you came to breakfast, I knew something was wrong. I don’t know if you remember, I gave you a bath–”
“Yeah, I do, I thought I’d done something else wrong,” Nick said before he could stop himself and then bit his lip.
“Oh, no honey. It wasn’t that. I saw your eyes. I knew something was wrong. I gave you that bath because I was looking for bruises, I was so terrified that babysitter had done something to hurt you, hit you maybe.” Jillian bit her lip in turn.
“I was so relieved that I found no marks on your skin, I forgot to look for the marks on your spirit. I dressed you and packed you off to school with your lunch, hoping like hell that look would be gone from your eyes when you came home.”
She fished a tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose defiantly.
“It wasn’t. And I can’t forgive myself. I saw the fear and I didn’t know how to ask you… I didn’t want to hear–”
“Mama, stop!” Nick sat up and put his arms around her. “Don’t blame yourself–”
“But I do, Nicky,” Jillian sighed. “Ysabel, remember her?” Nick nodded. “She wasn’t available that night and the dinner was so important to your father, it was so important to him that I be there. I called my friend Sarah, she recommended this girl, Margery, and I trusted her judgment, Lord help me. I didn’t see anything about the girl when she showed up that would have warned me that I shouldn’t leave my precious children in her control and go to a dinner,” she spat.
“Mama, please, don’t–”
“Nicky, I know it didn’t completely ruin your life, but this girl and I robbed you of innocence, many years where you could have found love, both to give and receive. You kept this terrible secret without any support from your father or me. Believe me, we both regret it so much.” She waved an impatient hand, pulling away from Nick as he tried to hug her in closer.
“I know it was a different time, there wasn’t as much information around and I didn’t know this could happen. But I am your mother; I’m supposed to protect you. Your father and I tried to make your home a safe and loving place for you, and then we invited the monster inside and handed you over to her.” She shook her head, tears running down her face.
Nick squeezed her hand in silence, knowing she had to say this, she had to get it out and set it free.
“I didn’t question you, I was afraid to make it worse. There wasn’t a psychiatrist on every corner like there is nowadays. I didn’t know where to turn. So I just left it alone and tried to love you as hard as I could, to make it up to you. Sweetheart, I want you to know how much I regret the decisions I made that led to so much pain for you. I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. You’ve grown up into a fine man.” Jillian cupped Nick’s chin in her hand, for the first time looking directly into his eyes.
“I can see the pain has diminished over time. And there’s love and strength in your face, compassion and empathy.” Jillian sighed. “They say the heat that melts butter also strengthens steel and that’s certainly true of you. Your life could have been so much easier and safer but you’ve taken that pain and betrayal, and grown into a beautiful, loving man, and I’m so very proud of you.”
“Oh, mama,” Nick felt tears slide down his face and he leaned into her embrace.
“Don’t cry, my little Nicky,” she crooned, “Mama’s here.” Her voice broke again and she laughed, “We’re going to slide into the creek on our tears if we keep this up. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cry all over you, but I had to apologize to you. And I will support you in anyway I can, you know that.”
They held each other in silence for a time.
“I have found love, Mama.”
“I know. Greg is a wonderful man and he loves you very much, I could see that right away,” she responded with a gentle smile. “I see the difference that love has made in you too.”
Nick pulled himself up and searched her eyes. “When did you know?”
“About Greg?” Nick nodded.
“We knew you’d found someone and we thought it might be Greg because you talk about him a lot,” she said with laughter in her eyes. “I don’t know if you know how much you talk about him and what you two do together. But we knew for sure at the hospital. We used to see him come back, sneak into your room and hold you. That’s why we were able to leave you and go back to our hotel.”
“I’m so glad you brought him with you. I can see you love each other so much. And I know that you’ve had to let go of some of your defenses to be able to keep a man like that loving you.”
Nicked sniffed and accepted a tissue from her. “I thought you were going into town with Dad.”
“I changed my mind. He wanted me to attend an event with him, but this time I put you first,” she responded.
“I did too,” said Bill, stepping out of the shadows into the sunlight.
Jillian stood up and hugged her husband, kissing him on the mouth. “I’m so glad you changed your mind, dear,” she said. “I’ll leave you alone with Nick for a while.” She turned to Nick and said accusingly, “And don’t let me catch you drinking out of the carton again.” She gathered the reins of the small grey mare she’d ridden, mounted and disappeared down the path with a wave.
“Eyes in the back of her head,” murmured Nick.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, Cisco.” Nick grinned at his father.
Bill gripped Nick’s shoulder, almost painfully. “Let’s sit. We need to talk.”
Nick relaxed on the rock again. This was the other thing he’d been dreading but the conversation with his mother had helped him see that sometimes his fears were worse than the reality. Greg was fond of saying that as soon as he figured out what he was afraid of he ran toward it instead of away because it was never as scary as the fear itself. For the first time, Nick had a dim understanding what Greg was trying to say: he refused to be a hostage to his fear.
Bill sat stiffly next to Nick. “Did your mother tell you how sorry we are?”
“Yeah. Yeah she did.”
Silence.
“When all you kids were out of the house, none of you know this except for Lily and Billiam, but your mother and I went through a hard time. Empty nest syndrome they call it. After all those years of marriage, I thought we knew each other very well. Seems I was wrong.” He sighed. “Your mother started brooding. Worried about every mistake we made with you kids, wondered how I felt about it. We started talking, no, actually we were fighting. Even separated for a while.”
Nick started with surprise and made a small sound.
Bill smiled without amusement. “Finally got me to agree to go to therapy. I wasn’t going to take a chance on losing your mother. She’s one in a million, son, one in a million.”
“That she is,” agreed Nick. “If I could have found a woman like her–”
“Doesn’t have to be a woman, Pancho. I think you did find someone like her.” Bill smiled kindly at Nick.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do I get the idea that it’s not that big of a surprise to everyone that I’m gay?”
“Your mother. She knew before you were out of high school.”
“Did she tell you, tell everyone?”
“No, she didn’t tell me till you were out of college. I never had a clue. I mean, all those girls you went out with.” Bill shook his head. “Your mother pointed out that you never brought the same girl home twice. And plenty of them were very nice, but you treated them like buddies.”
“Well I’ll be damned.” Nick shook his head. “So what did you think when she told you?”
“I thought all the usual uninformed things, she spoiled you, she was too easy on you, coddled you. When we figured out about the abuse, you know, with the… um, I thought that did it.” Bill sighed with regret. “Good thing we got to that counselor. I accused your mother of all those things. But she’s a strong woman, not one to be knocked down by a little name-calling. And when she took our wedding vows she meant them. She tossed me out of the house but she wasn’t planning to toss away our marriage. She worked and she made me work to save it.”
“I can’t believe this,” Nick felt like he was floating in air.
“It takes work to make any relationship succeed, Pancho and we were so focused on our jobs and raising you kids that we didn’t take the time to focus on each other. And we raised you, but we didn’t always give all of you what you needed. In our rush to provide you with a nice home and toys and horses and a good education, we sometimes forgot to give you the things you needed more. Especially when it was difficult to do.”
“I know your mother apologized and I want to add my own. That so-called babysitter, that’s something that never should have happened to you. Never. You didn’t deserve it and your life was derailed. We saw something was wrong and we didn’t know how to fix it. Where we really slipped up is that we didn’t ask. We didn’t ask you or anyone who could have helped you. Our shame became your shame, and you have nothing, nothing to be ashamed of, son. We’re both very proud of you.”
Bill looked into Nick’s eyes and pulled him into a rare hug. Nick’s arms came up slowly and tears ran down his face, blotting into his father’s shirt. All that time he'd spent hiding his shame, worrying that he wasn’t perfect, wasn’t good enough for his parents and it turned out everything he’d wanted was already his.
He smiled because he knew that even if they’d told him all this years ago, he never would have been able to hear it. He just wasn’t ready. The price he paid to get here was steep, but he could never have earned it at a cheaper cost.
“I’m glad you brought Greg to meet us,” Bill said gruffly, releasing Nick and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I am honored that you trusted us enough to bring him. He’s a great guy.” He patted Nick’s back.
“I’m going back to the house. Don’t be late for dinner. Don’t want to upset your mother.” Bill stood and mounted his horse, gave Nick a little salute and went.
Nick settled back down on the rock. He had stuff to think about.
~*~
“What are you doing?”
Greg was sitting on the stairs, staring at the picture wall, mouth moving silently, paper and pen in hand.
“Oh, Nicky. I’m memorizing your siblings. After this I’ll go into the family room and start on spouses and kids. Your mom promised to help me.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Well, they’re all coming tomorrow for the barbecue, right? I want to be able to tell them apart and call them by name.”
“Believe me, they’ll understand if you get it wrong. There were so many of us, even my parents sometimes called me by the wrong name. Imagine how much I enjoyed being called Jen, Helena or Zo’e.”
“But there’s only one of me and they’ll all know who I am right away,” Greg laughed at the thought of Nick being called Jen or Helena. “I want them…to like me,” he added, his voice suddenly unsure.
“They will, trust me on that one, G,” Nick put his arm around him. “Need any help?”
“Yeah, why is your brother called Billiam?”
“His name is William Jr. and he hated Jr. He threatened to kill any and all of us who called him Jr. My dad was already Bill, so he couldn’t be that. So he became Billiam. He likes it and everyone knows who’s talking to whom.”
“Hmm. So it’s Billiam, Lily, Vanessa, Helena, Jen and Zo’e. And last but not least, you”
“Right, you got it. But call Vanessa V, she likes that better.”
“Guess it’s time to move into the family room. Where’d you go today?”
“Down to the creek again. Talked to my mom and then to my dad. My head is spinning.”
“Want to talk about it?” Greg asked.
“Later, probably. I’m going to go get cleaned up for dinner. I already got in trouble for drinking orange juice out of the carton,” Nick said walking up the stairs to their room.
“You didn’t put it back in the refrigerator?” Greg was scandalized.
“Relax, G, it was nearly empty. I threw it away.”
“Still…” Greg murmured, turning back to his research.
~*~
After helping Greg clear up following dinner, Nick wandered out onto the screened porch. It was dark but he heard the swing creak, so he went over and found his mother looking up at the moon.
“Sit,” she patted the cushion next to her.
Nick sat down and she twined her fingers with his.
“How are you, my favorite child?”
“I’m your favorite? I always thought Billiam or Helena was the favorite.”
Jillian laughed her light silvery laugh, so like moonlight dancing over water. “Oh Nicky, I love all my children equally and you’re all my favorite.”
“I don’t get that,” Nick admitted.
“You all are so alike in some ways, and so different in others. You are all born of me and so you are all dear to me. And you all have so many precious gifts; I fall in love with all of you over and over.”
“You still yelled at me for drinking out of the juice container,” Nick reminded her.
“Just because I love you does not mean that you are permitted to act like a pig,” she said primly, then giggled. “Listen to me, I’m nuts.”
“Tell me about why we’re all your favorites, why am I your favorite?” Nick coaxed like a ten year old.
Jillian smiled a smile full of secret mother-wisdom and pushed the swing again so it rocked slowly in the moonlight.
“I could tell a secret to all of you and know that you would keep faith with me,” she started. “All of you are the most beautiful, intelligent, loyal, sensitive and caring people I’ve ever met.”
“Don’t all mothers say that?”
“Yes, but in my case it happens to be true. You really have to pity all those other mothers,” she laughed.
“Billiam is my favorite because he’s my first born. My first baby to hold and to take care of and feed from my own body. And he grew up into such a beautiful boy, sturdy, dependable, intelligent. Dry sense of humor with that little twinkle in his eyes. He’s a wonderful father and husband.”
“Lily,” she mused, “Lily’s not that easy to get to know. She’s beautiful for sure, all our children are gorgeous. She’s the quietest of you lot, but have you read any of her stories?”
Nick shook his head, “I didn’t even know she writes.”
“I’ll give you some of her stuff, that’s where you really get to know her. She has such an honest upstanding soul, a truth seeker. And with all that, she’s got a lovely sense of humor. Without it, a person runs the risk of becoming a zealot. I was always so thankful you all had a sense of humor. It saves, Nicky, saves souls.”
Jillian wiped a tear away. “Vanessa, beautiful of course, is so dependable, kind and true. Loyal to anyone she loves. If you have her for a friend, you would never need another. And she’s true to herself. If she believes in something, she’ll defend it to the death. She is very intelligent and that zany sense of humor of hers cracks me up. I always tell her she has the thighs of a goddess. Another truth seeker, I guess. And loud, she got all the mouth that Lily didn’t.”
“Helena brings laughter to the world. She’s so bright and funny. I never get an email from her without laughing all the way through it. I don’t think she can write a line that isn’t funny. In fact, I’m glad we don’t have close neighbors because they’d think I was crazy if they heard me shrieking with laughter when I read them. She brings grace and light and humor to a world that’s sadly in need of it. And she’s so kind and giving, a true generous friend. If ever you’re depressed, just email her, and you’ll feel better.”
“I have a feeling Greg’s going to get along with her really well. He already admires her taste in ties.”
“He’ll get along with all my lovely children and they’ll all love him,” Jillian said serenely. “Jen is the sweetest of women. She’s so loving and caring and warm. Very empathetic, she is always reaching out to people in trouble. Generous. Compassionate. Beautiful and toweringly strong. Luckily she’s no saint either; she’s got a wicked sense of humor too.”
“Zo’e, my wild child. She’s so independent and brave. She’s always made her own way in the world, never asked for help, so self sufficient. Intelligent and funny. She learned Japanese when she went there on a trip, because she thought it was unfair not to make an effort to communicate. She speaks up and thinks for herself. She has a strong sense of justice and is fiercely protective of those she loves. Creative.”
Jillian faltered.
“I just… realized that Zo’e is…” Nick paused, not knowing how to go on.
“Is a lesbian?” Jillian asked without a tremor. “One of my other regrets is that when she first asked to bring Morgana here for a visit I said no because I was so uncomfortable with the idea. And I asked her not to tell you. I realize I was wrong. I regret so much hurting her that way. Luckily both of them are so gracious they’ve forgiven me.” She sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t made so many mistakes that need forgiving. But I’m making amends, always making amends. You’ve really got Zo’e to thank for our willingness to accept Greg here.”
“And why am I your favorite?” Nick’s voice shook as he looked out into the mysterious moonlit yard, darkness enchanting the most ordinary objects.
“You, my darling, are my baby, my last child. I wanted to hold on to you too much, keep you my baby.” Jillian kissed the hand she was holding. “You are beautiful, intelligent, loving, warm, empathetic, compassionate, strong, dependable and a seeker of truth. You don’t believe those things about yourself but they are absolutely true. You always had that wild joy in discovering the world, you always looked so excited to learn something new. You love to learn. And you have a sense of humor. You can laugh.”
“I get the feeling you value a sense of humor, Mama.”
“Life is so difficult without it,” Jillian said, “And besides you all make me laugh. I love to laugh.”
They sat in silence for a while.
“I am so sorry you were violated, Nicky. I feel I betrayed you–”
“Mama, don’t. I forgive–”
“I never doubted you’d forgive, my dear. And I’m not asking for that, I don’t have the right. I hope to make it up to you by showing you how much I love you. What I did was wrong and it’s terribly difficult to reach back and undo it. I can’t heal your childhood. I want to help you heal now, if I can.”
“Oh, Mama,” was all Nick could say.
They swung in silence.
“You’ve spent the whole day talking to me and your father,” Jillian said, “Don’t you think you should spend a little time with Greg now?”
“Yeah, I have… a lot to tell him.” Nick kissed his mother’s hand in turn. “Thanks, Mama.”
TBC
A/N: Thank you to Gdogaleshot, fred_bear, helena_eternal and kahlualeia for their support and demands that I keep going. Sorry for the delay, this was an incredibly difficult chapter to write.
Chapter 1 here
Chapter 2 here
Chapter 3 here
Chapter 4 here
Chapter 5 here
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