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[just1tearforme.livejournal.com]

Nerd Gone Wild
Chapter 10: Remind Us the Past (is Real)
R, 2188 words
a/n: Would have posted this much earlier, the muses were willing, mother nature however was not and lightning and computers do not mix at all.
Previous Chapter: Chapter 9: When It Rained    - previous chapters may also be found in my journal as memories.

Chapter 10: Remind Us the Past (is Real)

 
Greg woke to a hand shaking his shoulder, and a voice calling his name. He opened his eyes blearily trying to bring his view into focus. Nick’s face was in front of his, he crouched beside the bed saying words he wasn’t quite up to comprehending yet.  He tried batting him away but he caught his hand and pulled insistently at him. A groan escaped his lips and he tried burying himself beneath the sheet, difficult to do though when someone is holding a limb hostage. He mumbled “Fuck off,” at him, trying to tug his arm out of his grip. Why couldn’t he just go away and let him sleep? And more importantly why was he there? But then he heard the magic words, fresh hot coffee, and he cracked an eye open searching for promised cup.

Nick chuckled, “I knew that would get you up.” He said with a smile. “Get dressed; we’ve got to get to the lab. Grissom has called everyone in, the warehouse case has been closed and he wants to see everyone before Ecklie calls a press conference. You’ve got five minutes.” He stood, walking out of the room. “Don’t you dare go back to sleep!” He yelled from down the hall.

Way too pleasant for this time of day, Greg thought. Stupid pleasant people should all be shot. He sat up, throwing back the sheet and letting the cool air wrap itself around his body. In the very back of his mind he knew he should have been a little concerned about waking completely naked with Nick in his apartment but his cognitive abilities had yet to reach that level of awareness. He was aware though of the inherent need that lodged itself in his brain and pulled at his spine. He bit his lip, eyes drifting to the drawer that contained a small jewel box housing the small stash he kept around for emergencies. He didn’t have time though; if he took any he would practically be announcing it to the entire department. Having Nick around often made it difficult enough to keep his secret hidden from view. This would definitely invite a long stay in drug rehab somewhere and almost guaranteed that his job wouldn’t exist the moment they sent him through the door. There was no way he would jeopardize his secret for his job. Jobs were easy to come by, much easier when one had a few degrees to back their experience up. Secrets were much harder to get, and maintain.

He rummaged through his closet, pulling out a decent pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He sighed as he dressed, wrapping himself in the soft cotton. His shoes he located sticking out from beneath the bed. He spared the briefest of glances at the mirror, he didn’t need to look long to see how fucked up he appeared. He also didn’t need to see the girls’ faces reflected from their positions on the bed. He knew they were there, and Benny too. He could feel the weight of their gaze on his back, the heaviness of their silence pressing the air around him. Yeah, he didn’t need to look to see.

“There were promises made of a coffee nature,” Greg said as he wandered into the kitchen.

“I left some fresh in the coffee pot,” Nick replied. “Glad you keep your coffee in plain view, if I had to search for it like I did for a mug I would have said screw it and gone through the Mickey D’s drive thru.” Greg glared at him unamused. “Gulp it down; we’ve got to get going. Are you okay to drive? You were sleeping totally dead to the world; you didn’t even hear your cell ring or mine for that matter.” He nodded, setting his mug in the sink. “Interesting shirt by the way,” Nick said as he picked his keys up off the coffee table. Greg looked at him quizzically. “‘Death is in love with us’, oddly appropriate. The screen print on the front is pretty cool too. And the red kind of matches your hair. Is it a band tee or just a random design?”

Greg smoothed a hand down the front of his shirt. “It’s a band shirt, H.I.M., they’re from Finland.”

“Cool.” Nick replied, nodding. “I take it you’re driving yourself?” He queried, while gesturing towards the CD case he was now holding.

“Yeah. I’ll see you there okay?” Nick nodded and headed out. He cast a longing look down the hall towards his bedroom, sighing. Reluctantly he grabbed his keys, and locked the door. By the time he reached the parking lot Nick’s car was already gone. And that was fine with him; he didn’t want the questioning look as to why it took him so long to get downstairs. Starting the car, he popped in a CD, “Razorblade Romance” for a ‘Resurrection’ type of day. Benny sat in the passenger seat, smiling slightly. He didn’t know why he smiled, perhaps it was the music, or the hair, or because that was just how he remembered seeing him last. He reached for the gear shift, his hand passing through Benny’s but for the smallest or moments he swore he could feel him beneath his fingertips.

As he walked the halls of the lab he wasn’t fully awake but he knew he was drawing some attention. If only they could see him the way he did, then he would really draw attention. The girls and Benny trailed behind him with watchful eyes and calculating looks. Even partially awake he strode down the hall like he owned the place to the beat of music inside his head. He had a need for coffee and an unconscious sway of his hips. For some reason Benny always brought that underlying sensuality and confidence out of him. Which was fine with him, considering the hair he was sporting; he hadn’t really been thinking when he did it but there were guaranteed to be words about it.

Almost everyone was in the break room, talking casually; conversations ceased though as he came through the door. Nick held out a mug of coffee to him which he took wordlessly. The rich aroma told him it was his Blue Hawaiian he was holding. Though he could feel the heat through the ceramic he downed the contents in one long swig feeling it sear all the way down his throat. His eyes closed as the caffeine crawled into his system.

“You know that was hot right?” Nick asked bemused.

“That’s when it’s best,” he replied feeling much more awake and aware now.

“Just checking.”

“That some interesting hair colour there,” Catherine said, eyeing him, to which he shrugged. “What do you call that?”

“I call it gone by tomorrow,” Grissom said, strolling in with Ecklie following just behind. ‘That’s not professional Greg, if you were in the lab I might let you get away with it, but as a CSI I can’t. A more natural colour please. Right, if you will all take a seat we can go over the findings.” He set a stack of folders on the table, passing one to each person. “The short version of this is: it was an accident. A press conference is going to be held…”

An accident? How could this be an accident? Greg didn’t look at anyone, flipping through the contents of the files instead. He had watched people die, seen way too much blood for it to be accident. Those that had died deserved much better than ‘it was accident’ as an explanation. Anger pooled in his stomach, he exhaled forcefully. He glanced up through his lashes, looking past Warrick and Sarah seeing the girls and Benny. He was used to seeing intensity in their eyes, but they only seemed dull and full of sadness. Even dead they knew they were worth more than the result of some accident. His hands clenched into fists, knuckles going white. A goddamn accident! He could feel his nails digging into his palms.

“Greg?” Grissom said, looking at him with a mixture of concern and wariness. He repeated himself, his voice finally registering with him. “Greg?”

“An accident?” He wasn’t even aware he said anything out loud until Grissom and responded with an affirmative. “No one gets blamed, no one’s at fault.” He sneered.

“The upper levels just weren’t meant to take the weight. The third level wasn’t made to support that amount of weight on it, and the second level was incapable of sustaining the combined load. It wasn’t a foreseeable incident…”

“So no harm, no foul?” Greg hissed, pushing away from the table and turning to the counter, pouring another cup of coffee.

“There is nothing that can undo the events, and the D.A. has decided that not to further the effects felt on all sides.”

“Fifteen people are dead, nothing will bring them back.” He spat out. “And you tell me it’s an accident.” He turned; his face a mask of rage. “An accident!” His coffee cup flew from his hand in one violent motion, arcing over the table and shattering against the wall. “People don’t die in fucking accidents! Accidents aren’t supposed to kill people! You’re supposed to walk away no worse for wear from an accident!” He yanked off his shirt, “You don’t bear permanent reminders of someone’s stupidity. You don’t carry the scars that mark you forever! You don’t look at them everyday and see a reminder of what you were before, before the ‘accident’.”

“Sanders…”

“Shut the fuck up Ecklie!” He snarled, slamming his hands on the table. “You don’t know what it’s like, you weren’t there, you don’t have the scars. Oh, but wait Sara knows right? Bullshit! She got what? A fucking cut on her hand! A few stitches and it healed. Maybe a faint line was left, a barely visible scar. Have a look at what real scars look like!” He sat on the table, back to them. “See those lighter patches, those are skin grafts. It’s where they put pieces of skin to heal the wounds that wouldn’t close. Did you know they had to debride the wounds daily? Or that some of the grafts didn’t take the first time?”

“Greg, stop it.” Catherine said, her hand partially covering her mouth.

“The thought of slicing off dying flesh turning your stomach? Having fifteen people die and their deaths being declared an accident turns mine! They deserve better than that. I watched some of them die… I watched her slip, and fall, to her death. I heard them go, the sound of bodies breaking and lives ending. Benny. Sofie. Vandiya.” He pulled photos from the file, scattering the images across the table. “They deserve better than ‘sorry it was a fucking accident’!”

“Sanders get yourself under control or I’ll suspend you.”

Greg’s jaw clenched, his nostrils flaring as he drew breath into his heaving lungs. He didn’t notice it but everyone else did, his hands were shaking violently.

“Come on Greg,” Nick said standing. “Let’s step outside for a second okay?” He gently grasped his elbow.

He withdrew his arm forcefully. “Don’t fucking touch me!” he yelled. “You want me to step outside? What, so I can calm down? So I can tuck it away and deal with it later? So I can be like you? Oh, but wait,” he snarled. “You haven’t dealt with your shit have you? Isn’t that why you show up on my doorstep often? How did you put it? Oh yes, to remind yourself that I’m not one of the dead and that I’m all right. Or is it to convince yourself that it’s true for you?”

“Greg,” Nick’s voice had a warning tone to it and a crisp edge.

“I think you come over to convince yourself you didn’t die in that box. Persuade yourself that you didn’t suffocate, or blow your brains out, or die from all the ant bites. Tell me do you still feel them biting in the dark of night? Their little legs crawling all over you? Isn’t that why you sit up half the night hanging out with me, to keep it all away…”

 Nick’s jaw tightened through his diatribe. He exhaled measured and even. “The reason I sit up half the night with you is because I’m picking your ass off the floor. Oh yeah, that was you I carried out of the rain yesterday as you sobbed uncontrollably. It was also you that I looked after when you took one too many pain killers. Sorry I gave a damn.”

 “Fuck you Stokes! Fuck you!” His hand balled into a fist and he let fly, it slamming into Nick’s jaw. He stumbled back a few steps, hand rubbing his jaw and blood dripping from where his teeth had cut his lip. He stepped back, swallowed hard. He bent snatching up his shirt from where it had fallen on the floor. Violently he yanked off his badge, slapping it against Ecklie’s chest as he passed. “Sixteen.”

Comments

[shacky20.livejournal.com]

Oh, printing off as I type, great so excited, you'll here from me soon again for a review, so excited.

[shacky20.livejournal.com]

Wow, poor Greg, he's really losing it now, but it has been building, you could feel it coming, and I loved it. The way you had him get angry about the 'accident', I see that plausible than him just blowing it off, even he can only take so much. But the fight between he and Nick, wow, wasn't expecting that, but maybe Greg sees Nick as someone who won't leave him no matter what he does, and I hope after what he says someone goes after him, he knows what he'll do if he's left alone. I hope I don't have to wait too long, this is just too good. I love this, it's breathtaking in it's reality i think, even thought most people can't imagine Greg like this, i can, and maybe that's why Nick is showing up at Greg's place, cause he can feel alive if he's taking care of Greg, oh can't wait for more, definitely your biggest fan.

[stinkymonz.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I don't get the last part. Oh wait, yeah now I do. lol

Wonderful story, very dramatic and breathtaking, very appropriate with how you've been writing the whole story.

[shacky20.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Greg's gonna be sixteen if Nick doens't stop in, Greg is in so deep, I love this fic, and I can so see it, I wish more people would give it a try, cause I don't think it's OOC at all, just someone pushed to his breaking point.

[just1tearforme.livejournal.com]

It's interesting how you view the last part. I meant it a little differently but your take works just as well.

Thanks for reccing NGW in your journal too! :)

[catlover2x.livejournal.com]

OK hurry up with the next part. This is excrutiating. However, loved the whole scars thing. Love when Greg is perfect. Great job.

[shacky20.livejournal.com]

Yes, I am the biggest cheerleader for this fic, I love hurt, angsty Greg, pushed too far, holding it all in for years, screaming on the inside, I just hope Nick can bring Greg back, as well as maybe himself.

[fred-bear.livejournal.com]

Ok, so it's taken me a day to read and comment, but, just, guh. You are serisouly killing me with this (in a good way of course). I wish I could offer more coherent thoughts, but just... wow. Thank you! :)

[thefieldmouse.livejournal.com]

I think this gets better with each chapter. I've just been waiting for Greg to finally snap, and wasn't disappointed.