nickngreg | Transcendentally

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This started as a drabble (first paragraph) and Nick quickly took over in my head. I also had no clue where this story was headed, but I like how it turned out. Also posted at Ff.N, To Dwell On: Transcendentally.

Title: Transcendentally
Rating: PG13ish
Warning: One swear word.

Transcendentally: Beyond common thought or experience.

Greg still thinks the world is beautiful despite what he sees each day, and Nick couldn’t always understand that. There used to be a time when Greg would sit in the threshold of the doorway and look out on the world, and it didn’t matter what Nick said or how often he laughed, Greg would respond that the world was his and he wants to know it before he’s taken from it.

And despite all the love Greg radiates Nick’s heart breaks every time he sees Greg sitting there, because he knows he needs to let him go.

Greg has a beauty not often seen in people. He is the world itself, sunlight and rain and everything new, and whereas he sits in the threshold, emerging into the light, Nick stands a few feet behind and sees the darkness before.

He loosens his hold on Greg slowly, sometimes not being able to bear it. They spend more time at Greg’s now and it’s a strategic move on his part: the less time they spend at his house, the less Greg will need there.

It works too well. He doesn’t want to leave this, because when he’s with Greg he feels loved and whole and maybe a little worshipped, but Nick has always had a sense of duty about him, and his duty is to the world.

Because Greg is pure and clean and light, and he shouldn’t be held in someone’s hand.

There are times when Nick looks at him and he knows he shouldn’t be doing this, he doesn’t want to be responsible for Greg’s broken heart, but then that damned duty comes back, and he knows that Greg could never be completely happy with him, and so he does what’s right for Greg, and he pushes him away.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the look on Greg’s face.

xxxxxxx

I know this is punishment. I know I was wrong. I know. I know.

xxxxxxx

Greg’s clothing became a little less loud after that, and he stopped playing his music so that everyone within a three mile radius could hear it.

In fact, Nick hasn’t seen him wear color in two weeks, and he hasn’t heard music in four. He tries to understand, but this is a new Greg, a Greg who does not seem to need light and love and sticks mainly to safe.

He wonders if this is because of him, but decides that Greg must be going through a phase. Nick knows how he feels, because he feels the same way. There’s no love in his house, and he can’t quite stand being there. He isn’t used to waking up in a cold bed, and he can’t seem to stop making food for two. His home is now a house, it‘s as simple as that.

The worse part, really, is having to work with him, because no matter what, Greg never loses hope. Sometimes there will be cookies added in his lunch, little trinkets in his locker, or post-its between his case files. The notes are the worst, because he ignores every one he gets, and Greg loses a little more light each time.

As days stretch to weeks and weeks to months he grows colder. Nick almost hates the fact that Greg’s the best tech, because it would be much easier to use someone else and be able to avoid him altogether. But Greg is the best, and if he wants the cases solved, he uses Greg.

Three months after he left he finally answered Greg’s post-it with one of his own.

Please stop.

He hates himself when Greg does.

xxxxxxx

I’ll fix it, I’ll fix it. I swear, if you let me out of here, I’ll do anything I can.

xxxxxxx

Greg’s been almost silent for weeks. No light, no sparkle. Nothing. He is mechanical, and everyone notices. Grissom’s been asking everyone what’s happened, but no one has an answer.

No one but Nick, and he doesn’t say anything. He just watches.

It’s easier now that Greg’s a CSI. There’s no DNA to be processed, no reason he has to stop and make small talk. There is nothing stopping him from moving on with his life but himself, and he is his own worst enemy.

There are still little things. Color, smiles, a mention of something they used to share. He ignores it every time because he has too. Greg might not understand yet, but he will. There are some things that should be kept from the world, murder and rape and violence, but there is no keeper, and Nick thinks people like Greg are the only reason why the world is still around, the only reason why there is still sun.

There are moments when Greg is alive, light. He sees it occasionally, and it gives him hope. In a rare rainstorm Vegas will hide, the city becomes dark, but Greg will dance outside like no one is watching even though he knows the whole world is. Water is cleansing, it rinses that which makes him dark, so in the privacy of his backyard, Nick does the same. All it brings is a torrent flood of memories back to him, making love in the rain and seeing Greg’s skin glisten in the moonlight. Light, clean, love.

Happiness.

Nick holds onto the hope that Greg is healing, because it’s the only thing that gets him through the days.

xxxxxxx

I did this for the world. I let him go so the world would be a better place. I’m sorry. I know better, now. There is no world without love. I knew it would hurt him. I knew. I was wrong. I’m sorry.

xxxxxxx

There is no hope in his voice when Greg talks to him. Love, always love, Nick can feel it from across the room, and on a bad day it’s everywhere he goes. A bad day because those are the days he feels like breaking, feels like going against everything he believes in and all his duty. Yes, there is still love, because Nick loves Greg and Greg loves Nick, and it will always be that way, but Nick’s starting to become scared of the day when Greg loves but does not want to love.

And it’s selfish and awful, and he despises himself, but he doesn’t ever want Greg to stop wanting to love him.

Greg talks more than he used to, he seeks Nick out and exchanges pleasantries that are a little too forced and a little too calm, but they do it all the same and that’s all that matters. This is the time Nick holds closest, when Greg sits down across from him and presses a cup of coffee into his hand. It gives Nick a semblance of order, and for five minutes of the day he slips back into time where he is loved and whole and he thinks maybe Greg knows that.

And even if it’s out of pity, there’s no other pity he’d rather have.

xxxxxxx

I want to give him the world. I want to love. Let me out of here. Let me out, and I’ll give him everything he needs. I know. I know, now.

xxxxxxx

He still thinks about Greg before he goes to sleep each night, when he wakes up in the morning, and for all the time in between. He finds himself getting frustrated more often because this is not how it’s supposed to be. He’s supposed to give Greg back to the world and he’s supposed to forget, because people like him shouldn’t be allowed to feel this loved when they’ve broken someone’s heart so completely.

xxxxxxx

It was me. I know. Not Greg, never Greg. I know, I know. Please don’t do this anymore.

xxxxxxx

Slowly he begins to understand the world. He beings to see the light and the rain and the love and he begins to see why Greg was so at ease and why he could never get anything right.

And he starts to see the difference in himself and Greg, and it’s not so big when you think about it. Greg is love and freedom because he does not hide, because he accepts himself and he accepts the entire world will not understand that.

Nick is scared, and Nick pushes away because he does not like the unknown and he does not like hate. But the world is full of unknown and hate, and Nick can’t seem to look at it like Greg does, where the world is new and clean and beautiful, no matter how hard he tries.

That’s when Nick realizes that the problem was never Greg, the problem was himself. He doesn’t trust who he is, he doesn’t like himself, and he doesn’t like himself because he hides. He just can’t seem to stop, but he knows he will. The world isn’t worth living in if he doesn’t have Greg, but he’s not about to beg for forgiveness when he’s not sure he won’t hide again.

With this new found clarity comes freedom, and with freedom comes the fight.

xxxxxxx

Get me out. Out. Please. I’m ready to live. I won’t hide.

xxxxxxx

You are never given more than you can handle, and he thinks he knows this now. He’s learned a lot since emerging from that box in the ground, and knowledge is a beautiful thing. The world will not crumble and fall at his feet if he is not perfect, and although he desperately wishes that time could reverse itself by two years and he could carry this knowledge with him, he knows that in the end, however long it takes to get there, everything will be fine.

Because he is loved and he loves, and that is all he needs.

And when Greg isn’t looking, he slips a post-it into his case file.

I’m telling my parents.

And because Greg is Greg, there is a post-it waiting for him on his locker at the end of the shift.

Do you want me to be there?

xxxxxxx

There is no life without Greg. No love, no happiness, no light. Without Greg, there is nothing. And I can let Greg go, because Greg will not go anywhere. Greg is life, Greg is love.

xxxxxxx

The world does not flip upside down. There is no reaction from the world. The world does not care if Nick is in love with a man because the world has much bigger things to worry about.

Nick can face the world. He can face nameless people who hate him because of his orientation, he can face old friends who think he’s fucked up, and he can even face a family who won’t speak to him anymore, because he has never known such freedom before.

And now Nick needs to face Greg.

xxxxxxx

I won’t ask for forgiveness because I don’t expect it. I won’t tell you I regret it because regret is both not strong enough and too strong. I’d tell you I love you, but I hurt you with words before and I know you won’t believe them. But I’m offering myself to you, Greg, and that’s all I have. I can promise truth, because I’ve come to terms with myself and now I know what truth is.

xxxxxxx

Greg warns him it won’t be easy, and Nick knows that it even might seem impossible, but he’s okay with that. He gave Greg up too easily once, and now he’s ready to fight.

And the world still doesn’t make a sound when he holds Greg’s hand in public or kisses him softly in the park. The world does not need Greg to be free for it to go on, and that’s good, Nick thinks, because he wouldn’t give this up even if it did.

Because if the world crashes down, they’ll crash with it, but they will be holding on until past the end to eternity.

And there is love, because Greg has Nick and Nick has Greg, and it’s all they’ll ever need.

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