Insomnia-Inducing Fiction

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

I really wanted to sleep tonight (seeing as how tomorrow is a 12 hour work day and today wasn't much shorter), but then I started writing and I couldn't stop. But I am very proud of it. Enjoy!

Title: Touching Heaven
Author: Quettaser
Rating: PG-13 (hard to gauge on this one)
Summary: Done for ngcommunity challenge #1: Scars. He knows it's just coincidence.

            He knows it’s just coincidence, although at his job, there’s no such thing. But when he’s home, coincidences can exist, and that’s just what this is, no matter what he wants to think. As much as he needs and depends on logic, he can’t help but want to push it aside, because if it’s more than coincidence, if it’s fate, then he doesn’t need to be so scared.

            But he is scared. He’s petrified. He doesn’t bother kidding himself, and sure, he puts on that calm façade, but he knows just how terrified he is. It’s almost familiar now, the fear that courses through him with every look, every touch. Each kiss fills him with terror, and each time he murmurs “I love you,” panic grips his heart so tightly, he thinks it must have stopped beating.

But the fear doesn’t come alone. It comes with want and desire, need and hunger, but they only serve to cause more fear, because he knows that if he leaves it behind, he’ll fall apart.

Yet underneath all of that is love, unconditional, deep and strong, unwavering.

And that’s what scares him the most.

            He knows he’ll love until the day he dies, and the merest notion that he could lose it all paralyzes him.

            However, if it’s fate, and not coincidence, he breathes a little easier, sleeps a little deeper, because then he can’t possibly lose what he’s been waiting his whole life to find.

            Sometimes when he lies there, holding him in his arms, too scared to sleep, but never wanting to leave, his brain fragments and the world swirls around him so thickly that he can’t see.

            …Silk, silk, silk…

            …You think she was going back to school?...

            …Brains like strawberry swirled. Whipped cream, everywhere…

            …I’ve loved you since I first saw you…

            …It’s what makes a person…

            …Come on, Pancho, let’s catch the bad guys…

            ...This is what big boys do…

…I am one, and who am I?…

…You make me feel as if the world has stopped…

            …There’s no place in my house for someone like you…

He wonders if he’ll drown under the weight of it all.

            …God hates fags…

            …God loves all souls…

…I do not always know what pleases you, Lord, but I think the fact I want to please you pleases you…

            …Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen…

            And he can’t decide if he wants to laugh or cry, because he doesn’t need heaven, it’s in his arms, but he’s too scared to let go and learn how it truly feels.

            The fear strikes again, because what if he spends his life holding heaven, never touching it?

            He burrows his head into the crook of his shoulder, smelling the scent of his lover, hearing the steady beat of his heart. He prays for strength, strength to fight his fear, strength to believe in fate, to fight logic and forget coincidence. Strength to preserve his faith. He lets his hand trail down his sleeping lover’s back, finding the spot, low, near his hip where he grips tight and draws his strength.

            His faith.

            There’s this spot on Greg’s back, low, near his hip, where there aren’t any scars. The skin is soft and smooth, a memory of what used to be. Nick knows it’s just coincidence, but that piece of unmarred skin fits his hand so perfectly, as if some divine power had traced it onto the skin, preserving that one bit, marking Greg forever as his. And as long as he thinks that way, as long as he believes it’s fate, as long as he has faith, he isn’t scared anymore.

            And he touches heaven.

Fin.

Comments

[stinkymonz.livejournal.com]

Ooh, how spiritual. Quite unlike most N/G fics around.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I didn't really intend for it to be spiritual, it just kind of happened that way.

[catlover2x.livejournal.com]

OMG, that's so beautiful and I just burst into tears. That struggle of faith and love, so hard. That final line is just perfect. How lovely.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[fred-bear.livejournal.com]

There’s this spot on Greg’s back, low, near his hip, where there aren’t any scars. The skin is soft and smooth, a memory of what used to be. Nick knows it’s just coincidence, but that piece of unmarred skin fits his hand so perfectly, as if some divine power had traced it onto the skin, preserving that one bit, marking Greg forever as his. And as long as he thinks that way, as long as he believes it’s fate, as long as he has faith, he isn’t scared anymore.

And he touches heaven.

Oh my god, you just broke my heart with that paragraph. So perfect, beautiful

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That was acutally the first paragraph I wrote of this piece, but I knew I had to earn so I went back and wrote the rest.

[catlover2x.livejournal.com]

God I love what you said: I had to earn it. So true. Happens to me.

Alrighty

[kayos209.livejournal.com]

I'm going to send you a doctor's bill. You broke my heart so now I have to go to the doctor's to get it fixed. I'll let you know how it goes. :P

Re: Alrighty

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

I should probably get some insurance or something. But I do hope the prodecure goes without incident. ;)

[sillie]

That is just... wow. <3

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[bloodanna.livejournal.com]

Wow. That is one of the most beautiful fics I have ever read.
It's not chunky or off topic like most can get and the ending is perfect.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, really, all this feedback is amazing. I'm all squishy and teary, now.

[shacky20.livejournal.com]

That was just beautiful, really, cause there is a big difference betwwen fate and coincidence, depending on what you believe, and I loved that take on Nick's feelings. Great great job.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[amazonqueenkate.livejournal.com]

Spiritual, touching, and I love the fact that there's one place on Greg without a scar. Lovely, just lovely.

^_^

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[amazonqueenkate.livejournal.com]

I did. Emmensely. ^_^

[snafu-07.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was amazing... I think that goes beyond slash, anyone who has ever had a night of insomnia comtemplating their life and life in general can relate to that story. Fantastic job.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow, thank you. Yeah, I was definitely relating to Nick as I wrote this, and I was also up at three in the morning as well, so I was in the right head space.

*goosebumps*

[anansay.livejournal.com]

I have goosebumps. They're all over my body.

This is deep, really deep. I like introspective pieces, like seeing how other people see them.

I think it's beautiful!

Re: *goosebumps*

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I like introspective pieces too, you really get to feel with the character, something you don't get on the show or in the more case file-y fics.

[0creativity.livejournal.com]

I loved this, just like all your other work. I've always thought that Nick was probably the most spiritual of all the CSIs and it's nice to see that worked into a story. You are amazing.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

*fans self* This is some of the nicest feedback I've ever gotten on anything I've written. And yeah, you definitely don't see spirituality and religion explored enough on TV (although it's easy to bungle it and get it wrong). And I see Nick as both religious and spiritual, which is a can be a difficult thing to wrap your head around.

[witchling.livejournal.com]

**sniffle** so cute, in a bitter sweet sad sort of way. Poor Nicky, shit's always so hard on that boy.
I totally love this. You're like. . .amazing.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[katy-moon-beam.livejournal.com]

Breaks my poor little heart, bless Nicky! He and Greg have been through enough shit...they deserve some solace.

I loved the spirituality in this. The words just radiated with it.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[cunnane.livejournal.com]

That was simply beautiful. Seeing Nick's inner demons is something we don't see enough of on the show, and you've portrayed it perfectly.

~x~

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I really think that Nick has such an interesting perspective on the world and it isn't explored often enough.

[jupiterlullaby.livejournal.com]

Wow. I don't want to sound redundant, but wow. That was great. The last line broke my heart.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and because redundancy is okay, thank you. :)

[littlebuttercup.livejournal.com]

I hate to say what everyone else is saying, but .. wow. Wow. Beautiful.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

That's okay, being a crazy nervous self-questioning writer (aren't we all?) I like hearing it anyways. ;)

[aprilmay430.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written. I loved it. Nick's struggle to reconcile his faith with what he believes about love is something I can really relate to.

[quettaser.livejournal.com]

I know, Nick often turns into my Mary-Sue, and I think a lot of people can relate to that. Thank you so much. :)