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nickngregNascar Chapter 13
Is Nick changing his mind about Greg
Nc-17
beta's by Glozstar
I pull away from Greg but keep a hold of his hand. I can't help but smile. I want to say something prefect right now but my mind draws a blank. The smile on his face says enough and I know he's okay with my silence and the kiss.
"Nick" I turn and see my jack guy, Evan, walking over to us. He pushes' his phone in his pocket and stops next to me. "Man Gil is having a cow you better get to the pits. He wants you over there right now.".
"Why? It's raining" I knew this was coming. I've been avoiding him all week and now I've been MIA all day. He's going to tear me a new one. I drop Greg's hand and take a step back. "I better get over there. He's mostly really pissed at me." I say to him.
"Yeah don't want you to get grounded" he smiles.
I roll my eyes and run my hands though my hair.
"I'll call you when I'm done so we can hook up later"
"Sounds good" Greg says. He's still holding his arm and I wonder how bad it's hurting him. I get the feeling he's not going to tell Jeremy about what happened. Sure it's why he wanted to keep the same cast on. We walk outside and it's pouring with rain. Neither of us is prepared for it so we run to the garage as fast as we can. We stop at my pits and he waves at me and flashes me a smile.
"I'll call you later" I say as he backs away.
He finely turns and heads off to his pits. I turn and see Gil leaning on our main trailer.
"I tried to get a hold of you to see what car you wanted to bring but couldn't reach you." his voice is very cold. He's glaring at me.
"So what one did you bring" I ask.
"The one you won with last time we were here." He snaps.
"And you really needed my input on that?" I say. Fuck I don't need this. I'd rather head down to Greg's pits and head to the hotel.
He's got his arms crossed and he's still glaring at me.
"What?" I snap. My good mood is fading fast.
"Is it true?" he asks.
"Is what true?" I'm so not in the mood for his games.
"You got in a fight with Robbie" he says.
I smile and shake my head.
"Nope I was a good boy. I didn't touch him. He touched me and Greg but I kept my hands off of him." I say.
"Not what I head."
"Well you heard wrong. Greg and I were eating, he came up and pushed me and grabbed Greg's arm. But I didn't do anything wrong."
"NASCAR is going to hear about this. I'm sure you'll be parked again."
"Not going to happen. Like I said I never touched him. He touched me and Greg." I don't think anyone one was in there but Greg will tell the truth and NASCAR will believe him over Robbie any day so I am not worried."
"We'll see what they say." He says.
"They'll say so glad you won the race Nick and give me a nice trophy"
He doesn't even crack a smile.
"Come in here so we can talk" he says.
"Fuck. Now what?" I shout. I'm not sure how long Greg and Jeremy will need to stay at the track. From the looks of it, it's going to rain all night so I see no reason to stay here. Too many things to see and do. I had no idea they even had white tigers here and now I want to see them. It's a bit after 4 so we'll have the whole night to sight see. Not spending any more time then I have to here.
"I just want to talk, you got plans or something?" he says.
"Yeah as matter of fact I do." I don't know why but I follow him inside the trailer.
"Have a seat Nick." he says and points to the couch.
"What is this about?" I ask but don't sit down.
"What are you doing?" He sits down and leans back in his seatt. He crosses his legs but doesn't look at me.
"What do you mean?"
"With Greg. I heard you guys kissed. Like a real kiss." He says.
Shit, things fly around here fast. Maybe Evan saw us and sent Gil a message or something.
"So what if I did. I've told you he and Jeremy aren't together." I reason. Hell if not for Jeremy I don't think Greg and I would be this far along.
"That's not what I'm worried about." he says. "Aren't you afraid you're going to hurt him?".
I slowly sit down. "I would never hurt him."
"Nick, you already hurt him once, you know you'll do it again. You can't control yourself when you're dreaming. And you have bad dreams almost ever night." He stops and looks at his hands. "But that's not the hurt I'm talking about. You're going to break his heart."
My eyes widen and I stand up.
"Nick, think about it. You don't know how to love someone and that's not all your fault. I get that. I can't just sit here and let you do this. You're not thinking and you're going to end up crushing him. I know you're tired of being alone and I understand that but you can't change who you are."
I can't speak. I can't believe he's telling me this. Gil knows a lot about my past, he's seen my back so I had to tell him something. He's always been very understanding about my mood swings and bad days. But this is so out there.
"You should end this now before it gets too far out of hand." He says still looking at his hands.
"I . . ." nothing will come into my head right now. My mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't seem to get control and focus on what I want to say.
He looks up. "I'm sorry Nick but it's the truth and you know it. What happened to you never should have but it's something you'll never be able to get past. It's something that will haunt you the rest of your life. You got screwed big time and it's not fair, it's really not. But think about it, Nick. What good will come of this? You have a horrible temper. You don't trust anyone. You don't know how to really love someone or care for them. And you know that." He's again looking at his hands.
I lower myself to the couch and cover my face. I know how to care for someone and love them. A life time of abuse doesn't turn that off. He doesn't know how I feel about Greg. All that hate and pain is gone. I feel at ease with him, safe and happy. I like that feeling and the more we hang out the stranger it gets. The better I feel.
"You don't have a fucking clue what you are talking about." I say.
"Yeah right, it's taking everything you have to not jump up and punch me in the face. What happens if you and Greg get in a fight, what if he really upsets you, pisses you off or something and you can't control yourself then. You're going to hurt him. You won't be able to stop yourself."
"I would never hurt him." I repeat.
"And I used to think you'd never hurt me either and you came inches away from punching me. What about Ben?"
"I don't need this now." I stand up and turn away from him.
"Cause you know I'm right Nick. It's a hard fact to take but you'll never be able to be with someone."
"Fuck you!" I snap.
"It's something you have to hear. You can't keep pretending nothings wrong." He stands up and looks at me.
I so want to push him back into the wall or punch him in the face. But I guess that will prove his point more than ever.
"Nick, I'm so sorry man but you had to hear this. You're doomed to be alone the rest of your life, you don't have a choice in this. Get a dog or something but don't risk hurting Greg." He says walking towards me.
I clinch my teeth together and back up.
"Get away from me."
I turn and walk out of the trailer. I pull out my cigarettes and start to light one.
"No wonder you got so pissed when I started talking shit about Greg."
I stop and see Ben. Both his eyes are black thanks to me. His nose is swollen as well
"I just never know you where a sick fuck. You hide it well."
I've only been this mad a few times in my life. Mad enough to where I can see red. I am way past that point right now. Screw the season and me getting parked. I head towards him, dropping my smoke to the ground.
"Nick, it's not worth it man. Official's are everywhere."
I think that's Warrick taking. I feel his hands on me and I push him off. He grabs my arm and pulls me down the pit lane. I again pull away from him and keep walking.
"Is that all you got, fagot.?" Ben yells.
I don't stop. I walk out on the track and keep going. I grind my teeth and try to breathe.
"Nick . . ."
Warrick is following me as I walk. I come to a stop on turn two.
"He's got no right to say that shit!" I almost yell.
"I know. He's totally out of line." Warrick says.
I'm shocked he's still here. Most people would have been scared shitless and left me to be alone. I start to walk again and he's right beside me. I'm not sure how far we walk before I stop again and rest my hands on my knees.
"He doesn't know what he's talking about." Warrick says, wiping the rain off his face.
I take in a deep breath and stand up.
"God, what if he does?" I say.
What if Gil is right? Maybe it's safer for me to stay away from Greg and love all together. What if I do hurt him? Is that something I should risk? Does a guy like me ever have choice to be in love with someone? Warrick is looking at me. I know he's lost. He was no clue what Gil said to me before. He knows nothing about my past as a child and I plan on keeping it that way. I'm sure he thinks this is all about what Ben said to me. I pull out a smoke and try to light one. Not easy to do in the rain but I finely get it.
"Are you ok?" he asks.
"No, I can't do this. I shouldn't risk it." I say out loud, not really to him but more to myself. I can't take the chance of hurting Greg.
"Nick, Ben's just trying to get under your skin man."
Warrick was trying to keep me from getting in trouble and I almost knocked him over. Granted he's a small guy but Greg is smaller them him. I lose it with Greg like that and I'm sure he'd be on the ground. Or worse.
"Fuck! He is right." I say out load.
I turn and walk away from him. I need to be alone. I need to think, calm down and clear my head. Think this thing through.
"Nick, don't let him get to you. He's just a…Nick . . . wait…"
I can't hear Warrick anymore or see him. I jump as my phone goes off. I climb over the wall and walk somewhere. I think this is where the Busch cars go.
"Jeremy is pretty sick. We're going back to the hotel. I'll let you know what room we're in. How long are you going to be? Greg
I have to end this now. I close my eyes and lean on a trailer. If I do it now it won't be so hard on him. If I string it along for a while it will be worse. Cut it off now before we get too close. But I can't do it by text message. I'll have to face him.
Fuck I am so pissed off right now, I'm sorry but Gil is making me hang here. Got a ton of notes to go over and shit. He hates me right now. I send back.
At least part of it is true. I am pissed. A bit calmer now, but still . . . My head is starting to hurt again. I try and take a drag of my smoke but the rain has put it out. I grab a hand full of my hair and kick my foot back into the trailer.
That puts a damper on our plans doesn't it. I'm sorry to read that. Call me if you get back sooner. Buy him some wonderful track food to suck up or something.
I sigh and push my phone in my pocket.
"Who the hell is out there?" I hear.
I turn and see a few guys in crew suits looking at me.
"Sorry. I got lost." It's true. I really don't know where I am.
"Oh my god you're Nick!" one of them says. I don't know who they are so I can only guess they're some local team trying their luck to get into the race this weekend. I smile and walk towards them.
"Could you sign something for us?" one says.
"Yeah, sure."
I follow them to the pits and boy am I glad I'm not in Busch anymore. The garage is tiny and over crowded with people, parts and cars. It's very cold in here as well. The lighting sucks and it smells. I sign a few things for them and pose for a picture. I light a cigarette as I leave. I don't know how to get back to my part of the track but I don't want to ask either. It can't be that hard to find my way back. I'm inside a huge circle.
After a few wrong turns I find my RV and make my way inside. I remove my wet clothes and find a towel. I dry myself off and sit on my bed. I feel bad doing this. Greg is at a hotel waiting for my call. Waiting for something I have no plans on doing. Not sure how I can avoid him the whole weekend though. I'll make up some story about an emergency with my sister and tell him I have to leave right after the race. I'll come up with some kind of plan or something once I'm at home. I jump as my phone goes off. I pick it up and see who's calling.
I almost don't answer it but seeing its Kevin I start to worry something is wrong.
"Hey." I say.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Nothing, just chilling in my camper." I say.
Getting up I put on a pair of shorts and head back into the kitchen. I get a beer out of the fridge.
"Wait, I thought you had a hotel on the strip?" he says.
"Changed my mind." I sit down and take a drink.
"What happened?" he asks.
"Nothing, just not in the mood to deal with the strip and coming back and forth." I say between drags.
"Liar." he says.
I close my eyes and rub the bridge of my nose. I stand up and look to see if I have anything here for pain. The stuff I got from Dr. Scott is in my hotel room, along with most of my clothes. I'm not sure what I have stashed away here. I find some Advil and sit down.
"I'm not lying." I say.
"Bullshit. You couldn't stop talking about your plans this weekend. What happened?" he demands.
I sigh and finish off my beer.
"Can't leave you alone for one day. What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything. Gil just pointed out some stuff to me, that's all." I say.
"Like what?" He asks.
"How stupid I'm being." I say.
I get up to get another beer and carry it into my room. I sit it down and look inside my closet. Luckily I never got to unpack from last weekend so I have lots of clothes to choose from. I find a t shirt and slip that on.
"Stupid? What is he talking about?"
"He just helped me see more clearly that's all." I sit down. I get my drink and suck most of it down.
"Nick, what is he, or you for that matter, talking about?" Kevin is starting to get annoyed, but I really can't bring myself to say it.
"Guys like me should be alone." I say.
I hear nothing and I let myself fall back into my pillow.
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever head in my life!" Kevin snaps. "Why the fuck would he tell you that?"
"So I don't hurt Greg. And he's right, I can't take that chance. I can't risk it and it's not fair to Greg." I say.
I turn my phone on speaker and lay on my side. I look in my dresser and find another pack of smokes. I get one out and light it. There's a long pause and I just know he's agreeing with what I just told him. It's the painful truth.
"I don't know how to love someone." I whisper.
"Now that is bullshit and you know it. You love my kids." He says.
He's right. I've been there with them since the day they were born. I stayed with them while Kevin was recovering, checking on them every day. I was the first person to hold Rose. I make the life or death choice that needed to be made since Kevin couldn't.
"That's different."
"No it's not." He says. "Nick, you know how to love and care for someone." He says.
"But what if we get in a fight and I hurt him? I'm huge and he's so small. I'd kill him for sure." I say.
"Dammit Nick! All you could talk about yesterday was your plans with Greg this weekend. About all the stuff you were going to do. And now because Gil got it into your head that you can't love anyone you're going to end it all."
"He just helped me see things more clearly that's all. Even if he isn't right, the timing is horrible. I can't sleep at night, I'm fighting everyone. I need to get myself right before I even try to start something like this. I need to get myself together and get some help."
Again I hear nothing.
"I haven't seen you like this in a long time. Well, not that you sitting on your ass feeling sorry for yourself isn't pretty normal. But before this the way you've been on the phone, when we went out. That I haven't seen in a long time and I miss that."
"Like you have any room to talk." I snap. I sit up and cover my face.
"We aren't talking about my issue we're talking about you. The last few days, you've been happy, funny, relaxed. Like you used to be." he says
I again grab my hair and rock back and forth.
"Nick, no matter what you think or what stupid-ass crap Gil told you, you have the right to be happy." he almost yells. I can't help but wonder where the kids are. I'm guessing he's in the sun room. "Whatever's going on in your stupid little fucked up head is nothing to do with you being unable to love someone and you know that!" he's yelling now.
"Kevin . . ." I say.
"Don't try and give me a reason why you think he's right because it's all wrong, none of its true. You loved her."
Neither one of us says anything. He was right, I did, do love her but it was just my dumb luck that the two of them met and hit it off so well. I never thought I'd have to worry about losing her to him. He's very open about being gay. So what where the chances that they would fall in love? Guess you can't fight true love. They where prefect together and who am I to stand in the way of that? It hurt for a while but I got over it and she turned into one of my best friends. God I miss her so much.
"What if Greg is that one person like she was to me?" his voice is very soft and weak now. "Do you really want to risk not having that because you're scared?"
"God I wish you where here." I say letting my hair go. I slowly sit up.
"Yeah, me too. But still, I'm not going to let you risk this over something stupid. Gil's…" he stops.
"What?" I say.
"He just cares too much."
I get up and walk out of the room then stop. I return and pick up my phone. I go back into the kitchen and finish my smoke, leaning on the counter.
"Yeah but…" I start to say.
"Nick, don't make me jump on a plane to fly down there just to kick your ass, because you know I'd do it!" he tells me.
"Why would he say that stuff? He had to know it would get into my head.." I say.
"I think that was the point."
"What do you know?" I ask.
"Nothing." He says.
"No. You're lying to me."
"Don't you need to call Greg or something?" he says.
"Yeah as soon as you tell me what you know."
I head back in my room and remove some new clothes from the wardrobe. Luckily I even have an extra pair of shoes in here since mine are soaked.
"I . . ." he stops
"Since when do you keep secrets from me?" I slide my shorts off and get dressed. I find some socks and put them on along with my shoes.
"Nick, man, just go call Greg and have some fun tonight."
I sit down and cross my arms, not that he can see me.
"Kevin what is it?'
"Like I said, Gil just cares to much." He says
My eyes widen and I stand up.
"Are you implying what I think you are?"
There is no way he could have feelings for me. Not a chance. I drive him crazy. He yells at me all the time.
"I wasn't supposed to tell you." Kevin says.
"Are you shitting me?" I say
"No he's got feelings for you so I'm sure he's not too happy about you and Greg."
"Doesn't give him the right to say what he did to me. That was really cold. Said guys like me should be alone and I should get a dog." I say.
"What does a dog have to do with anything?" he asks.
"So I won't be alone I guess." I say.
"You're not going to be alone. Don't let him get into your head. It's what he's trying to do." he says.
"You're right." I say.
"Corse I'm right" he says.
"We should have a cook out or something when we get back." I suggest.
"That sounds good. But just let it go what I told you about Gil. I wasn't supposed to tell you anything."
"No it's good, I won't say a word." I say.
"I just thought you had to know why he'd say that stuff. Cause none of it's true."
I don't say anything in return.
"Nick, don't even go there." he snaps. "Hang up the phone, then call Greg and go out and have fun."
"Okay, I will."
"Good. Cause I'll call Jeremy and check up on you." He says
"I think Jeremy's sick or something." Not surprised as he runs himself ragged looking after Greg.
"So I'll see you when I get back. Hey, how are the kids?"
"Good, Rose is breathing on her own. Jake is good. They miss you."
"I miss them too. I'll make it up to them when I get back." I hang up the phone and again rub my nose. The pain in my head is not getting any better. Another reason to go back to the hotel. I need something strong to knock this headache out.
I close my eyes. Still trying to take in what Kevin told me. Gil has feelings for me. No fucking way! But why would he lie? Does clear up why he said what he did to me. Scare me away from Greg so he could make his move on me. I have to stop thinking about this right now. I pull out my phone and call Greg. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't answer me.
"Hey." He says.
"Hey. Gil gave in and I'm out of here." I hate lying to him but do I dare tell him the truth? That I panicked. And for what? I mean, I guess you can say that we're dating and all but I don't want him to think I'm moving too fast.
"So, what room are you in?" I ask.
"2121."
"Okay I'll head that way. How's Jeremy?"
"Got the flu or something, he's achy, got a fever, and other issues you don't want to know about."
"Sounds fun." I say and get my wallet out of my wet clothes. I slide it in my pocket and toss my clothes in the sink.
"Yeah, he's asleep now. Took some Theraflu crap and passed out." He says.
"I'll see you in a bit." I say and hang up the phone.
I walk outside and head back in and grab a jacket with a hood. I had an umbrella at some time but who knows where it is now. I head back out and hear my name being called out. I turn and see Gil.
"Nick where are you going?" he asks, reaching me. I don't slow down or stop.
"I'm going to see Greg." I say.
"Nick we talked about this." He says.
"Yeah and I didn't listen and if you want us to remain friends you will never, and I mean never, talk to me like that again. You're wrong and you have no right to say anything like that to me." I stop and face him.
"I'm just looking out for you." he says.
"I don't care what your reasons are, don't ever do it again or this, what we have, our friendship, is over. Do you understand?"
I turn and walk away not even giving him the chance to answer me. I find a taxi and head to the hotel. I check in and go up to my room first. It's right next to Jeremy and Greg but I need to take something for my head. I go in my room and find my bag and open it. Finding my pills, I take a few and freshen up a bit. I then go over to Greg's room and knock on the door. He opens it and steps outside.
"Can we go to your room? I don't want to wake him." he says shutting the door.
"Yeah." not that he gave me much of a choice. I open the door to my room and we walk in. He sits on a couch and leans back.
"So how are you feeling?" I ask and sit next to him.
"Better finely. Been pain free most of the afternoon." he reaches down and knocks on the table. "You look in pain."
"Gil kinda stressed me out." I say and decide to leave it at that.
"We don't have to go out." he says facing me.
"No, I want to. I'll be fine. I took a pain pill so I'll be okay" I say and stand up.
He smiles as I hold out my hand. He takes it and I pull him up.
"So I'm sure you're not even hungry but I'm starving" I don't even remember when the last time I ate was.
"Yeah I could go for some food." He says as we walk out of the room.
We eat in the hotel since its still raining. We find a place called Stack. I, of course, get a huge steak and all the sides. He gets some kind of chicken with green beans. Looks good but not very appealing. I end up fishing off his as well. He leans back and looks down at his hands.
"So, what would you like to do now?" he asks. The rain is really killing our plans. It's either hang here or go out on the strip and get wet.
"We could play something."
"No way. You said we could have fun without gambling and I'm going to hold you to that. There has got to be something to see here." My phone goes off and I remove it and turn it off.
"Though everything was okay." He says.
"It is. So what's cool in this place?" I ask.
"Well I really wanted to show you The Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat but that wouldn't be much fun in the rain." He says.
"We could shop." I suggest.
His eyes suddenly widen and he picks up a flyer on the table.
"We could see this." he says and points to the flyer for the show 'Love'.
"Sounds like a plan. I wonder if they have any tickets left?" Something like that seems like it would sell out. We head off and find our way to the ticket both.
"Do you have anything left for Love?" I ask.
"I'm sorry sir but we . . ." the young man stops and looks at me and then Greg. He holds up his finger and picks up the phone. I hear him talking to someone, saying it's me and Greg and so on. He hangs up the phone and smiles.
"I can get you in." he says with a huge smile.
"That would be great." I say and hand him my credit card.
The show was amazing. Once it's over we finely head out on the strip. It's stopped raining now. We get there just in time to see the Volcano go off and I have to say I wasn't very impressed but Greg took a few pictures and we made our way to the fountains at the Bellagio. Again Greg took a lot of shots and even talked someone into taking one of us together.
"It's amazing isn't it." he says.
"Yeah."
"This is the spot that Brad Pitt and George Clooney stood on at the end of that movie." he smiles and I give him an odd look.
"I'm glad Gil let you go, I had fun." he says.
"Me too." I say and take his hand. I lean down and our lips come together again. I pull him close and he wraps his arm around my waist.
"Get a room!" someone calls out and we pull apart.
"It's getting late. We should head back."
I sigh at the thought of all the stuff we'll have to do tomorrow. They want us to qualify and do two practice sessions. Most of our day will be spent at the track.
"Going to be a long day tomorrow."
We make our way to the hotel and we stop in front of his room. He reaches for his wallet and stops.
"Shit." he says.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"I forgot my wallet in the room. My key is it in." he puts his hand on the door but doesn't move it. "Fuck I don't want to wake him." He looks down then up at me.
"You could stay in my room. Lots of space." I say.
He nods and we walk to my door. I open the door and we walk inside. I remove my bag from the bed.
"I'll just sleep on the couch." I say.
"It's your room Nick you don't have to do that." he says looking down.
"I insist." I say.
He nods and looks at the bed. He sits down and I walk over to the couch and get a pair of shorts out of my bag. I go into the bathroom and remove my jeans and slide on my shorts.
"I got a new toothbrush if you want to use it." I call out.
"Okay thanks." he says as I walk out.
He goes in there and I sit down on the couch. Fuck I feel like a high school kid with him in the room. I run my hands though my hair and lean back. He walks out of the restroom and sits on the bed. He's removed his jeans. He lays back and puts his hand behind his head.
"You can sleep on the bed. There's enough room." he says, not looking at me.
The tone in his voice is odd. He sounds almost afraid. I get up and climb onto the bed.
"Thanks for everything." he says climbing under the blankets. He turns on his side and pulls an extra pillow close to him.
"Anytime." I say.
I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be in the same bed with him. What if I dream, what if I hurt him again? I open my eyes and look at the clock. It's a bit after 3am. I look down and see Greg's head on my chest. I take in a deep breath, reach down and take one of his hands in mine and let my eyes close again.
Is Nick changing his mind about Greg
Nc-17
beta's by Glozstar
I pull away from Greg but keep a hold of his hand. I can't help but smile. I want to say something prefect right now but my mind draws a blank. The smile on his face says enough and I know he's okay with my silence and the kiss.
"Nick" I turn and see my jack guy, Evan, walking over to us. He pushes' his phone in his pocket and stops next to me. "Man Gil is having a cow you better get to the pits. He wants you over there right now.".
"Why? It's raining" I knew this was coming. I've been avoiding him all week and now I've been MIA all day. He's going to tear me a new one. I drop Greg's hand and take a step back. "I better get over there. He's mostly really pissed at me." I say to him.
"Yeah don't want you to get grounded" he smiles.
I roll my eyes and run my hands though my hair.
"I'll call you when I'm done so we can hook up later"
"Sounds good" Greg says. He's still holding his arm and I wonder how bad it's hurting him. I get the feeling he's not going to tell Jeremy about what happened. Sure it's why he wanted to keep the same cast on. We walk outside and it's pouring with rain. Neither of us is prepared for it so we run to the garage as fast as we can. We stop at my pits and he waves at me and flashes me a smile.
"I'll call you later" I say as he backs away.
He finely turns and heads off to his pits. I turn and see Gil leaning on our main trailer.
"I tried to get a hold of you to see what car you wanted to bring but couldn't reach you." his voice is very cold. He's glaring at me.
"So what one did you bring" I ask.
"The one you won with last time we were here." He snaps.
"And you really needed my input on that?" I say. Fuck I don't need this. I'd rather head down to Greg's pits and head to the hotel.
He's got his arms crossed and he's still glaring at me.
"What?" I snap. My good mood is fading fast.
"Is it true?" he asks.
"Is what true?" I'm so not in the mood for his games.
"You got in a fight with Robbie" he says.
I smile and shake my head.
"Nope I was a good boy. I didn't touch him. He touched me and Greg but I kept my hands off of him." I say.
"Not what I head."
"Well you heard wrong. Greg and I were eating, he came up and pushed me and grabbed Greg's arm. But I didn't do anything wrong."
"NASCAR is going to hear about this. I'm sure you'll be parked again."
"Not going to happen. Like I said I never touched him. He touched me and Greg." I don't think anyone one was in there but Greg will tell the truth and NASCAR will believe him over Robbie any day so I am not worried."
"We'll see what they say." He says.
"They'll say so glad you won the race Nick and give me a nice trophy"
He doesn't even crack a smile.
"Come in here so we can talk" he says.
"Fuck. Now what?" I shout. I'm not sure how long Greg and Jeremy will need to stay at the track. From the looks of it, it's going to rain all night so I see no reason to stay here. Too many things to see and do. I had no idea they even had white tigers here and now I want to see them. It's a bit after 4 so we'll have the whole night to sight see. Not spending any more time then I have to here.
"I just want to talk, you got plans or something?" he says.
"Yeah as matter of fact I do." I don't know why but I follow him inside the trailer.
"Have a seat Nick." he says and points to the couch.
"What is this about?" I ask but don't sit down.
"What are you doing?" He sits down and leans back in his seatt. He crosses his legs but doesn't look at me.
"What do you mean?"
"With Greg. I heard you guys kissed. Like a real kiss." He says.
Shit, things fly around here fast. Maybe Evan saw us and sent Gil a message or something.
"So what if I did. I've told you he and Jeremy aren't together." I reason. Hell if not for Jeremy I don't think Greg and I would be this far along.
"That's not what I'm worried about." he says. "Aren't you afraid you're going to hurt him?".
I slowly sit down. "I would never hurt him."
"Nick, you already hurt him once, you know you'll do it again. You can't control yourself when you're dreaming. And you have bad dreams almost ever night." He stops and looks at his hands. "But that's not the hurt I'm talking about. You're going to break his heart."
My eyes widen and I stand up.
"Nick, think about it. You don't know how to love someone and that's not all your fault. I get that. I can't just sit here and let you do this. You're not thinking and you're going to end up crushing him. I know you're tired of being alone and I understand that but you can't change who you are."
I can't speak. I can't believe he's telling me this. Gil knows a lot about my past, he's seen my back so I had to tell him something. He's always been very understanding about my mood swings and bad days. But this is so out there.
"You should end this now before it gets too far out of hand." He says still looking at his hands.
"I . . ." nothing will come into my head right now. My mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't seem to get control and focus on what I want to say.
He looks up. "I'm sorry Nick but it's the truth and you know it. What happened to you never should have but it's something you'll never be able to get past. It's something that will haunt you the rest of your life. You got screwed big time and it's not fair, it's really not. But think about it, Nick. What good will come of this? You have a horrible temper. You don't trust anyone. You don't know how to really love someone or care for them. And you know that." He's again looking at his hands.
I lower myself to the couch and cover my face. I know how to care for someone and love them. A life time of abuse doesn't turn that off. He doesn't know how I feel about Greg. All that hate and pain is gone. I feel at ease with him, safe and happy. I like that feeling and the more we hang out the stranger it gets. The better I feel.
"You don't have a fucking clue what you are talking about." I say.
"Yeah right, it's taking everything you have to not jump up and punch me in the face. What happens if you and Greg get in a fight, what if he really upsets you, pisses you off or something and you can't control yourself then. You're going to hurt him. You won't be able to stop yourself."
"I would never hurt him." I repeat.
"And I used to think you'd never hurt me either and you came inches away from punching me. What about Ben?"
"I don't need this now." I stand up and turn away from him.
"Cause you know I'm right Nick. It's a hard fact to take but you'll never be able to be with someone."
"Fuck you!" I snap.
"It's something you have to hear. You can't keep pretending nothings wrong." He stands up and looks at me.
I so want to push him back into the wall or punch him in the face. But I guess that will prove his point more than ever.
"Nick, I'm so sorry man but you had to hear this. You're doomed to be alone the rest of your life, you don't have a choice in this. Get a dog or something but don't risk hurting Greg." He says walking towards me.
I clinch my teeth together and back up.
"Get away from me."
I turn and walk out of the trailer. I pull out my cigarettes and start to light one.
"No wonder you got so pissed when I started talking shit about Greg."
I stop and see Ben. Both his eyes are black thanks to me. His nose is swollen as well
"I just never know you where a sick fuck. You hide it well."
I've only been this mad a few times in my life. Mad enough to where I can see red. I am way past that point right now. Screw the season and me getting parked. I head towards him, dropping my smoke to the ground.
"Nick, it's not worth it man. Official's are everywhere."
I think that's Warrick taking. I feel his hands on me and I push him off. He grabs my arm and pulls me down the pit lane. I again pull away from him and keep walking.
"Is that all you got, fagot.?" Ben yells.
I don't stop. I walk out on the track and keep going. I grind my teeth and try to breathe.
"Nick . . ."
Warrick is following me as I walk. I come to a stop on turn two.
"He's got no right to say that shit!" I almost yell.
"I know. He's totally out of line." Warrick says.
I'm shocked he's still here. Most people would have been scared shitless and left me to be alone. I start to walk again and he's right beside me. I'm not sure how far we walk before I stop again and rest my hands on my knees.
"He doesn't know what he's talking about." Warrick says, wiping the rain off his face.
I take in a deep breath and stand up.
"God, what if he does?" I say.
What if Gil is right? Maybe it's safer for me to stay away from Greg and love all together. What if I do hurt him? Is that something I should risk? Does a guy like me ever have choice to be in love with someone? Warrick is looking at me. I know he's lost. He was no clue what Gil said to me before. He knows nothing about my past as a child and I plan on keeping it that way. I'm sure he thinks this is all about what Ben said to me. I pull out a smoke and try to light one. Not easy to do in the rain but I finely get it.
"Are you ok?" he asks.
"No, I can't do this. I shouldn't risk it." I say out loud, not really to him but more to myself. I can't take the chance of hurting Greg.
"Nick, Ben's just trying to get under your skin man."
Warrick was trying to keep me from getting in trouble and I almost knocked him over. Granted he's a small guy but Greg is smaller them him. I lose it with Greg like that and I'm sure he'd be on the ground. Or worse.
"Fuck! He is right." I say out load.
I turn and walk away from him. I need to be alone. I need to think, calm down and clear my head. Think this thing through.
"Nick, don't let him get to you. He's just a…Nick . . . wait…"
I can't hear Warrick anymore or see him. I jump as my phone goes off. I climb over the wall and walk somewhere. I think this is where the Busch cars go.
"Jeremy is pretty sick. We're going back to the hotel. I'll let you know what room we're in. How long are you going to be? Greg
I have to end this now. I close my eyes and lean on a trailer. If I do it now it won't be so hard on him. If I string it along for a while it will be worse. Cut it off now before we get too close. But I can't do it by text message. I'll have to face him.
Fuck I am so pissed off right now, I'm sorry but Gil is making me hang here. Got a ton of notes to go over and shit. He hates me right now. I send back.
At least part of it is true. I am pissed. A bit calmer now, but still . . . My head is starting to hurt again. I try and take a drag of my smoke but the rain has put it out. I grab a hand full of my hair and kick my foot back into the trailer.
That puts a damper on our plans doesn't it. I'm sorry to read that. Call me if you get back sooner. Buy him some wonderful track food to suck up or something.
I sigh and push my phone in my pocket.
"Who the hell is out there?" I hear.
I turn and see a few guys in crew suits looking at me.
"Sorry. I got lost." It's true. I really don't know where I am.
"Oh my god you're Nick!" one of them says. I don't know who they are so I can only guess they're some local team trying their luck to get into the race this weekend. I smile and walk towards them.
"Could you sign something for us?" one says.
"Yeah, sure."
I follow them to the pits and boy am I glad I'm not in Busch anymore. The garage is tiny and over crowded with people, parts and cars. It's very cold in here as well. The lighting sucks and it smells. I sign a few things for them and pose for a picture. I light a cigarette as I leave. I don't know how to get back to my part of the track but I don't want to ask either. It can't be that hard to find my way back. I'm inside a huge circle.
After a few wrong turns I find my RV and make my way inside. I remove my wet clothes and find a towel. I dry myself off and sit on my bed. I feel bad doing this. Greg is at a hotel waiting for my call. Waiting for something I have no plans on doing. Not sure how I can avoid him the whole weekend though. I'll make up some story about an emergency with my sister and tell him I have to leave right after the race. I'll come up with some kind of plan or something once I'm at home. I jump as my phone goes off. I pick it up and see who's calling.
I almost don't answer it but seeing its Kevin I start to worry something is wrong.
"Hey." I say.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Nothing, just chilling in my camper." I say.
Getting up I put on a pair of shorts and head back into the kitchen. I get a beer out of the fridge.
"Wait, I thought you had a hotel on the strip?" he says.
"Changed my mind." I sit down and take a drink.
"What happened?" he asks.
"Nothing, just not in the mood to deal with the strip and coming back and forth." I say between drags.
"Liar." he says.
I close my eyes and rub the bridge of my nose. I stand up and look to see if I have anything here for pain. The stuff I got from Dr. Scott is in my hotel room, along with most of my clothes. I'm not sure what I have stashed away here. I find some Advil and sit down.
"I'm not lying." I say.
"Bullshit. You couldn't stop talking about your plans this weekend. What happened?" he demands.
I sigh and finish off my beer.
"Can't leave you alone for one day. What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything. Gil just pointed out some stuff to me, that's all." I say.
"Like what?" He asks.
"How stupid I'm being." I say.
I get up to get another beer and carry it into my room. I sit it down and look inside my closet. Luckily I never got to unpack from last weekend so I have lots of clothes to choose from. I find a t shirt and slip that on.
"Stupid? What is he talking about?"
"He just helped me see more clearly that's all." I sit down. I get my drink and suck most of it down.
"Nick, what is he, or you for that matter, talking about?" Kevin is starting to get annoyed, but I really can't bring myself to say it.
"Guys like me should be alone." I say.
I hear nothing and I let myself fall back into my pillow.
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever head in my life!" Kevin snaps. "Why the fuck would he tell you that?"
"So I don't hurt Greg. And he's right, I can't take that chance. I can't risk it and it's not fair to Greg." I say.
I turn my phone on speaker and lay on my side. I look in my dresser and find another pack of smokes. I get one out and light it. There's a long pause and I just know he's agreeing with what I just told him. It's the painful truth.
"I don't know how to love someone." I whisper.
"Now that is bullshit and you know it. You love my kids." He says.
He's right. I've been there with them since the day they were born. I stayed with them while Kevin was recovering, checking on them every day. I was the first person to hold Rose. I make the life or death choice that needed to be made since Kevin couldn't.
"That's different."
"No it's not." He says. "Nick, you know how to love and care for someone." He says.
"But what if we get in a fight and I hurt him? I'm huge and he's so small. I'd kill him for sure." I say.
"Dammit Nick! All you could talk about yesterday was your plans with Greg this weekend. About all the stuff you were going to do. And now because Gil got it into your head that you can't love anyone you're going to end it all."
"He just helped me see things more clearly that's all. Even if he isn't right, the timing is horrible. I can't sleep at night, I'm fighting everyone. I need to get myself right before I even try to start something like this. I need to get myself together and get some help."
Again I hear nothing.
"I haven't seen you like this in a long time. Well, not that you sitting on your ass feeling sorry for yourself isn't pretty normal. But before this the way you've been on the phone, when we went out. That I haven't seen in a long time and I miss that."
"Like you have any room to talk." I snap. I sit up and cover my face.
"We aren't talking about my issue we're talking about you. The last few days, you've been happy, funny, relaxed. Like you used to be." he says
I again grab my hair and rock back and forth.
"Nick, no matter what you think or what stupid-ass crap Gil told you, you have the right to be happy." he almost yells. I can't help but wonder where the kids are. I'm guessing he's in the sun room. "Whatever's going on in your stupid little fucked up head is nothing to do with you being unable to love someone and you know that!" he's yelling now.
"Kevin . . ." I say.
"Don't try and give me a reason why you think he's right because it's all wrong, none of its true. You loved her."
Neither one of us says anything. He was right, I did, do love her but it was just my dumb luck that the two of them met and hit it off so well. I never thought I'd have to worry about losing her to him. He's very open about being gay. So what where the chances that they would fall in love? Guess you can't fight true love. They where prefect together and who am I to stand in the way of that? It hurt for a while but I got over it and she turned into one of my best friends. God I miss her so much.
"What if Greg is that one person like she was to me?" his voice is very soft and weak now. "Do you really want to risk not having that because you're scared?"
"God I wish you where here." I say letting my hair go. I slowly sit up.
"Yeah, me too. But still, I'm not going to let you risk this over something stupid. Gil's…" he stops.
"What?" I say.
"He just cares too much."
I get up and walk out of the room then stop. I return and pick up my phone. I go back into the kitchen and finish my smoke, leaning on the counter.
"Yeah but…" I start to say.
"Nick, don't make me jump on a plane to fly down there just to kick your ass, because you know I'd do it!" he tells me.
"Why would he say that stuff? He had to know it would get into my head.." I say.
"I think that was the point."
"What do you know?" I ask.
"Nothing." He says.
"No. You're lying to me."
"Don't you need to call Greg or something?" he says.
"Yeah as soon as you tell me what you know."
I head back in my room and remove some new clothes from the wardrobe. Luckily I even have an extra pair of shoes in here since mine are soaked.
"I . . ." he stops
"Since when do you keep secrets from me?" I slide my shorts off and get dressed. I find some socks and put them on along with my shoes.
"Nick, man, just go call Greg and have some fun tonight."
I sit down and cross my arms, not that he can see me.
"Kevin what is it?'
"Like I said, Gil just cares to much." He says
My eyes widen and I stand up.
"Are you implying what I think you are?"
There is no way he could have feelings for me. Not a chance. I drive him crazy. He yells at me all the time.
"I wasn't supposed to tell you." Kevin says.
"Are you shitting me?" I say
"No he's got feelings for you so I'm sure he's not too happy about you and Greg."
"Doesn't give him the right to say what he did to me. That was really cold. Said guys like me should be alone and I should get a dog." I say.
"What does a dog have to do with anything?" he asks.
"So I won't be alone I guess." I say.
"You're not going to be alone. Don't let him get into your head. It's what he's trying to do." he says.
"You're right." I say.
"Corse I'm right" he says.
"We should have a cook out or something when we get back." I suggest.
"That sounds good. But just let it go what I told you about Gil. I wasn't supposed to tell you anything."
"No it's good, I won't say a word." I say.
"I just thought you had to know why he'd say that stuff. Cause none of it's true."
I don't say anything in return.
"Nick, don't even go there." he snaps. "Hang up the phone, then call Greg and go out and have fun."
"Okay, I will."
"Good. Cause I'll call Jeremy and check up on you." He says
"I think Jeremy's sick or something." Not surprised as he runs himself ragged looking after Greg.
"So I'll see you when I get back. Hey, how are the kids?"
"Good, Rose is breathing on her own. Jake is good. They miss you."
"I miss them too. I'll make it up to them when I get back." I hang up the phone and again rub my nose. The pain in my head is not getting any better. Another reason to go back to the hotel. I need something strong to knock this headache out.
I close my eyes. Still trying to take in what Kevin told me. Gil has feelings for me. No fucking way! But why would he lie? Does clear up why he said what he did to me. Scare me away from Greg so he could make his move on me. I have to stop thinking about this right now. I pull out my phone and call Greg. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't answer me.
"Hey." He says.
"Hey. Gil gave in and I'm out of here." I hate lying to him but do I dare tell him the truth? That I panicked. And for what? I mean, I guess you can say that we're dating and all but I don't want him to think I'm moving too fast.
"So, what room are you in?" I ask.
"2121."
"Okay I'll head that way. How's Jeremy?"
"Got the flu or something, he's achy, got a fever, and other issues you don't want to know about."
"Sounds fun." I say and get my wallet out of my wet clothes. I slide it in my pocket and toss my clothes in the sink.
"Yeah, he's asleep now. Took some Theraflu crap and passed out." He says.
"I'll see you in a bit." I say and hang up the phone.
I walk outside and head back in and grab a jacket with a hood. I had an umbrella at some time but who knows where it is now. I head back out and hear my name being called out. I turn and see Gil.
"Nick where are you going?" he asks, reaching me. I don't slow down or stop.
"I'm going to see Greg." I say.
"Nick we talked about this." He says.
"Yeah and I didn't listen and if you want us to remain friends you will never, and I mean never, talk to me like that again. You're wrong and you have no right to say anything like that to me." I stop and face him.
"I'm just looking out for you." he says.
"I don't care what your reasons are, don't ever do it again or this, what we have, our friendship, is over. Do you understand?"
I turn and walk away not even giving him the chance to answer me. I find a taxi and head to the hotel. I check in and go up to my room first. It's right next to Jeremy and Greg but I need to take something for my head. I go in my room and find my bag and open it. Finding my pills, I take a few and freshen up a bit. I then go over to Greg's room and knock on the door. He opens it and steps outside.
"Can we go to your room? I don't want to wake him." he says shutting the door.
"Yeah." not that he gave me much of a choice. I open the door to my room and we walk in. He sits on a couch and leans back.
"So how are you feeling?" I ask and sit next to him.
"Better finely. Been pain free most of the afternoon." he reaches down and knocks on the table. "You look in pain."
"Gil kinda stressed me out." I say and decide to leave it at that.
"We don't have to go out." he says facing me.
"No, I want to. I'll be fine. I took a pain pill so I'll be okay" I say and stand up.
He smiles as I hold out my hand. He takes it and I pull him up.
"So I'm sure you're not even hungry but I'm starving" I don't even remember when the last time I ate was.
"Yeah I could go for some food." He says as we walk out of the room.
We eat in the hotel since its still raining. We find a place called Stack. I, of course, get a huge steak and all the sides. He gets some kind of chicken with green beans. Looks good but not very appealing. I end up fishing off his as well. He leans back and looks down at his hands.
"So, what would you like to do now?" he asks. The rain is really killing our plans. It's either hang here or go out on the strip and get wet.
"We could play something."
"No way. You said we could have fun without gambling and I'm going to hold you to that. There has got to be something to see here." My phone goes off and I remove it and turn it off.
"Though everything was okay." He says.
"It is. So what's cool in this place?" I ask.
"Well I really wanted to show you The Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat but that wouldn't be much fun in the rain." He says.
"We could shop." I suggest.
His eyes suddenly widen and he picks up a flyer on the table.
"We could see this." he says and points to the flyer for the show 'Love'.
"Sounds like a plan. I wonder if they have any tickets left?" Something like that seems like it would sell out. We head off and find our way to the ticket both.
"Do you have anything left for Love?" I ask.
"I'm sorry sir but we . . ." the young man stops and looks at me and then Greg. He holds up his finger and picks up the phone. I hear him talking to someone, saying it's me and Greg and so on. He hangs up the phone and smiles.
"I can get you in." he says with a huge smile.
"That would be great." I say and hand him my credit card.
The show was amazing. Once it's over we finely head out on the strip. It's stopped raining now. We get there just in time to see the Volcano go off and I have to say I wasn't very impressed but Greg took a few pictures and we made our way to the fountains at the Bellagio. Again Greg took a lot of shots and even talked someone into taking one of us together.
"It's amazing isn't it." he says.
"Yeah."
"This is the spot that Brad Pitt and George Clooney stood on at the end of that movie." he smiles and I give him an odd look.
"I'm glad Gil let you go, I had fun." he says.
"Me too." I say and take his hand. I lean down and our lips come together again. I pull him close and he wraps his arm around my waist.
"Get a room!" someone calls out and we pull apart.
"It's getting late. We should head back."
I sigh at the thought of all the stuff we'll have to do tomorrow. They want us to qualify and do two practice sessions. Most of our day will be spent at the track.
"Going to be a long day tomorrow."
We make our way to the hotel and we stop in front of his room. He reaches for his wallet and stops.
"Shit." he says.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"I forgot my wallet in the room. My key is it in." he puts his hand on the door but doesn't move it. "Fuck I don't want to wake him." He looks down then up at me.
"You could stay in my room. Lots of space." I say.
He nods and we walk to my door. I open the door and we walk inside. I remove my bag from the bed.
"I'll just sleep on the couch." I say.
"It's your room Nick you don't have to do that." he says looking down.
"I insist." I say.
He nods and looks at the bed. He sits down and I walk over to the couch and get a pair of shorts out of my bag. I go into the bathroom and remove my jeans and slide on my shorts.
"I got a new toothbrush if you want to use it." I call out.
"Okay thanks." he says as I walk out.
He goes in there and I sit down on the couch. Fuck I feel like a high school kid with him in the room. I run my hands though my hair and lean back. He walks out of the restroom and sits on the bed. He's removed his jeans. He lays back and puts his hand behind his head.
"You can sleep on the bed. There's enough room." he says, not looking at me.
The tone in his voice is odd. He sounds almost afraid. I get up and climb onto the bed.
"Thanks for everything." he says climbing under the blankets. He turns on his side and pulls an extra pillow close to him.
"Anytime." I say.
I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be in the same bed with him. What if I dream, what if I hurt him again? I open my eyes and look at the clock. It's a bit after 3am. I look down and see Greg's head on my chest. I take in a deep breath, reach down and take one of his hands in mine and let my eyes close again.
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Date: 2009-01-21 10:39 pm (UTC)hope you update soon...
i love this story
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Date: 2009-01-21 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-22 11:31 am (UTC)That was a good chapter with a sweet end... keep going!
Will Nick finally have nightmares? I hope thing will get better for him...
Finally I will continue to review on LJ because WMTDB are not able to let people logged in for more than and hour.
Update soon