Fic: Life Changes 5/29

[jayceepat.livejournal.com]

TITLE: LIFE CHANGES
RATING: PG-13 this chapter and NC-17 eventually
PAIRINGS: Nick and others
WARNINGS: Adult content and language
SUMMARY: A casual remark can change a life
SPOILERS: None
BANNER: Courtesy of Bflyw
DISCLAIMER: If you don’t recognize it, it’s mine. Otherwise, everything belongs to Bruckheimer, CBS and Zuicker.

A/N: I know I said I would be posting Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday but I’m going into the hospital tomorrow and I don’t know when I will be back.

Previous chapters can be found here



Nick had been home for 2 days now and he was amazed at how easy it was to fall back into the routine of being home; Texas home that is. He thought that it wasn’t really a routine but more of a …mindset. Yeah, that was it. He just loved being home with his family. Nick’s childhood, with one exception, was the story dreams are made of. He had been loved, spoiled, pampered, picked on, bullied; everything that should happen to the baby in a family of 7 children. He was a complete surprise, coming as he did eight years after the last of the 5 girls was born. And to be a boy, well that was just frosting on the cake. His older brother William Andrew Stokes was overjoyed to have a baby brother even if the baby was almost 20 years younger than he was and he treated Nick more like a surrogate son that a brother. He watched over him even after his marriage. Fortunately, Bill had married a young woman who also came from a big family and was completely comfortable with the huge brood she had acquired when she married Bill Stokes, Jr. She was more than comfortable with Nick. Like Bill, she treated him like he was hers and Nick spent almost as much time with them growing up as he did with his biological parents.

Between siblings, horses, dogs, cats, the ranch hands and thousands of acres of land to roam, Nick lived in a fairytale; until he was nine years old. No one in the family knew about the night Nick’s innocence had been taken away by a last minute choice of babysitter. She was a friend of a friend and was highly recommended. She was cute and friendly and she was an evil that snuck in Nick’s bedroom late at night and made his world change forever. It was only once, but once was all it took. After that, there was a sadness in the beautiful brown eyes and the once hyper nine-year-old, became quiet and withdrawn almost over night. Every one wondered what happened but Nick never told and learned at a very early age to ‘put on a happy face’. That’s when the alter-ego Nick Stokes was born; the good old boy that nothing could keep down for long. In later years, the ‘other’ Nick Stokes came in real handy. When Amy Hendler put a gun in Nick’s face, so close he could see her finger tighten on the trigger, the ‘other’ Nick took over within minutes. By the time Grissom had come back into the house, the ‘other’ Nick was clear-eyed and processing the scene while the real Nick hid behind his front and cried.

The ‘other’ Nick took over after Nigel Crane threw the body they shared out a second story window, and still later, when Crane dropped through his ceiling along with the body of an innocent stranger who only wanted to warn Nick of danger. Nick had always been able to work his way through everything and take over his life from the ‘other’ Nick until the day that a man named Walter Gordon had decided that someone, anyone, had to pay for his sorrow. It was Nick who paid. He paid with his sanity, his health and his soul. He never got control back from the ‘other’ Nick and sometimes when he was playing a game with Greg or having a ‘one on one’ with ‘Rick on a basketball court, the real Nick wanted so badly to tell them that he was hurting and he needed help. The ‘other’ Nick didn’t let that happen. The ‘other’ Nick kept his secrets and allowed him to continue to function as a Las Vegas, Nevada CSI 3 at the 2nd best crime lab in the US. What he didn’t allow was any feelings; emotions were dangerous and could bite you in the butt so easily.

The ‘other’ Nick went to all the mandated meetings with the shrinks and said all the right things and fooled everyone. Nick went back to work after every trauma and everyone praised him for his ability to bounce back. He told Greg one day that he was like a Timex watch, ‘He took a licking and kept on ticking’. He turned away before Greg could see the real Nick screaming for help, for comfort, for human contact.

Oddly enough, one of the few places where Nick could still push the ‘other’ Nick down enough to take back control, was at home where it had all started. He never knew why but it was the main reason why he loved to come back to the family home in Texas AND the main reason why, this was where he wanted to start his search. He had established his goal during the two weeks he was waiting for Grissom to switch people around so he could have his month off. He was going to get rid of the other Nick. He was going to find out what he wanted out of life and he was going to find out if Greg was right and he might be able to have the life he wanted with someone who had the same plumbing he did.

When Nick came home on vacation, all his sisters and Bill tried to arrange things so that they could have at least one day with him. This time, 2 of his sisters were living back home. Savannah, who was the closet in age to Nick, was getting a divorce and she and her 3 kids were living at home while she got herself re-established again as a single working mother. Leah was home because her husband was in Iraq for a year’s tour of duty and she was going through menopause and not having an easy time of it. She tried hard to control herself, especially when her 2 kids were around but between her out-of-control hormones and her fear for her husband, she was a walking basket case. Nick heard her crying his first night home and went into her room to see if she was OK. He wound up, laying on top of the bed holding her close in his arms and telling her stories about what a wonderful time she was going to have when Steven was back home for good. They both finally dropped off around 3.00am and Nick was really very comfortable when his mom came in at 7.00 to get the kids off to school and found them curled up together. She kissed both of her babies and went to get her baby’s babies ready for their day.

Nick had been home for almost 4 days when he finally got the privacy to talk to Savannah. He wanted to know what happened. He had always thought S’annah (his baby name for his sister which had stuck) and Larry were the perfect couple. Everything about them just fit. She was a pediatrician and he was a Neo-natal specialist. Their coloring, their heights, their family backgrounds were just in such perfect harmony that it was obvious they were meant for each other.

When he told S’annah this, he saw a frown cross her face. He added quickly, that he was not finding fault with her; not at all. He was trying to figure out his own future.

“S’annah, I just turned 40 and I’m still alone. I’ve never been able to make a go with anyone and I’ve had some pretty darn good opportunities. I don’t even know what I want out of life. I don’t know if I want to marry. I don’t know if I want kids. I just don’t know. It really scares me when I look at someone like you who had the perfect life and now at 48, you’re alone. I just want to try to understand what went wrong.”

His sister glared at Nick for several long silent minutes and then let out a deep sigh and relaxed, leaning back into the swing. She scooted closer, picked up Nick’s arm, draped it around her shoulders and laid her head on his shoulder. Finally, she started talking.

“I think your description of us as the ‘perfect couple’ was what went wrong. I mean, Good God, his folks, our folks, our friends, even strangers would comment on what a cute couple we were. It was almost as though we were ordained to get together and make everyone happy. I didn’t realize until I was looking at him over the bed in the honeymoon suite that I didn’t really know him at all. I was married to a stranger who never lost his temper, never got excited about anything; was always a perfect gentleman. When we came back from our honeymoon, we moved into an apartment and started our internships. Once a week without fail, he would tell me to insert my diaphragm and when we went to bed, he would kiss me, squeeze my breasts a few times and then have sex with me. He always came, I never came and afterwards, he never failed to kiss me and tell me how much he enjoyed it and then he rolled over and went to sleep. He was a devoted dad, helping with the baths and feedings; even changing diapers without complaint. I went to all the school meetings unless it was parent’s night and then he would be there; saying and doing all the right things. I got old fast and one day I just snapped. I realized I had spent my youth doing what was expected of me. I’m not young anymore and my looks went a long time ago but my passion is still here buried deep inside. I know that it’s too late to have the ‘sweep you off your feet’ kind of romance I dreamed of as a young girl but at least I can feel something now and if it’s pain and loneliness…well, it’s my pain and loneliness. I’m not an appendage to someone else.”

Nick’s heart broke as he listened to his sister talk. He thought of all the holidays they had spent together when he had just looked at the surface and never saw the despair hiding just below. He held her tight and told her she was beautiful and he loved her and any man would be glad to sweep her off her feet. She cried and then laughed and told him he was biased. He told her he was not, he was completely objective. She finally sat up and borrowed his handkerchief to dry her eyes and blow her nose. She said she was going inside to wash her face because her kids would be home soon and they were going to look at 2 houses tonight. He asked her if she wanted him to come along and she said yes she did.

As she reached the front door, she turned around and looked at Nick and said, “You know baby brother, I have learned one valuable lesson. There is a world of difference in loving someone and being in love. I still love Larry because basically he’s a good man; shallow but good.”

Nick said, “S’annah, what’s the difference; how do you know?”

She laughed and said “Oh Nicky, it’s the difference between Dad’s 5 alarm chili and oatmeal. When you feel like you can’t stay in your own skin and your mouth goes dry when you see them and you just want to touch them anywhere, anytime then…then you are in love.”

She started to go in the house and Nicky suddenly realized what she had said and said, “S’annah, if you never had that with Larry, how do you know?”

She turned back and looked at Nick for a moment then said, “You remember Charley?”

“Charley, Charley, I don’t think…Oh wait, wasn’t he the guy with long hair that rode the Harley?”

“That was Charley. No one approved of Charley. Dad almost turned the dogs loose on him and Mom tried to be polite but she shivered and washed every thing he touched as soon as he left the house. I was wild about him Nicky. He made my blood boil and then freeze just by running his hand up my arm. Do you know where he is today?”

“No.”

“He’s in LA. He writes for several of the top ten shows on TV. He makes lots of money, he has 2 children and he’s been married to the same woman for 20 years now. That woman could have been me if I’d had some guts and not met the ‘perfect’ man according to everyone but me.”

Nick was still sitting on the porch swing when the school bus stopped and dropped off his 2 nephews and his niece.
======================================================================
After dinner, Nick took S’annah, her kids and Leah and her kids house hunting. He was never sure why Leah went along, she had her own home in a beautiful suburb just outside of Denver but it was none of his business, S’annah didn’t mind and the kids kept each other company so the grown-ups could explore and investigate.

After 4 hours of extensive looking, the kids were dead, Leah was almost hysterical, S’annah kept muttering to Nick that 6 kids would have been a much better number for their parents, and Nick was just praying he could keep things together until they got back home and got the kids bathed and in bed. When they did get home, Leah took her kids upstairs to get their baths. Nick’s mom looked at S’annah and asked her if she would be going up with hers or did she want her to. S’annah looked at her mother and said, ‘You know, my kids are 13, 9 and 7. They have known how to take a bath by themselves for a long, long time now. They will do just fine.”

Their mom just looked at S’annah and then said, “Don’t you get smart with me young lady. I can still take a belt to your behind if I need to and don’t use my remark to slam your sister. She’s having a rough time right now and staying close to her kids makes her feel safer.”

“Mom, if that’s the case then she’s been having a rough time for the last 16 years because she has always hovered over those poor kids until they don’t have a moment’s peace or any time to themselves. Someday they are going to rebel and it’s not going to be a pretty sight.”

Mrs. Stokes walked over and leaned down and kissed both Nick and his sister and then said she knew and that’s why she was doing everything she could to make the children understand that they always had a safe refuge with their grandparents.

“Are either of you interested in some sopapilla’s? Rosa felt the urge and made some after you left. I can fix you a couple with some wild honey”.

Nick and his sister looked at each other and both said together, “Oh yeah”

Mrs. Stokes laughed as she headed for kitchen. When she was out of the room, Nick turned to S’annah and said, “I know you’re right and so does she. Isn’t there anything anyone can do to make Leah see what she’s doing?”

S’annah shook her head and sounded close to tears when she answered his question. ‘No, and that’s the real reason why I left Larry and started divorce proceedings. When you have children you feel such love for them that it hurts. But you are not supposed to live your life through your kids. We each get one chance to live our lives on this earth and if we waste our life, we don’t have the right to use our children as surrogates. That’s what Leah is doing and that’s what I would have done if I’d stayed in my comfortable little nest which was rapidly turning into a coffin.”

Nick automatically winced when she said ‘coffin’. His sister noticed and immediately started apologizing.

He couldn’t tell her that it wasn’t because of the word but because he could feel the ‘other’ Nick trying to get out and take control. His body guard had turned into his jailor for sure and Nick was more determined than ever to get his life back. He had reveled in his stay at his childhood home. Being able to comfort Leah and connect again with Savannah the way they had when he was little and just being able to observe life as it was lived among ‘normal’ people. He thought back to 2 nights before when he saw something he wasn’t supposed to.
================================================================================== He had been in the living room sitting on the floor in front of the DVD case trying to straighten out the cases and put stuff back before it got all scratched. He heard his dad come down the stairs and go in the kitchen where his mom was. He heard him ask her where everyone was. She gave him a run down and his dad said, “You mean we actually are alone for a moment?”

His mom responded in a voice Nick wasn’t sure he had ever heard her use, “Yes we are. What are you going to do about it?”

Nick almost had a heart attack when he heard his dad growl (GROWL) and say, “Anything you want me to.”

Nick looked up and realized that they could not see him but because the mirrored French doors were angled just right, he could see straight into the kitchen and had a ringside seat and the show had just started. His dad put his arms around his mom and pulled her back against his body and began to drop little kisses against the side of her face. She obviously liked it and got even happier when he started nibbling and licking the side of her neck. Nick’s mouth dropped open when he realized his mother had her hand behind her and it was pretty obvious her hand was on the front of his dad’s pants.

He was getting ready to clear his throat or cough or do something when his mom turned around, kissed his father (and it wasn’t anything like the little family kisses they gave each other when the kids were around) and suggested in a very breathless voice that they should go upstairs and take advantage of this god-given opportunity. Giggling like teen-agers, they headed for the stairs a lot faster than they usually did and within seconds Nick heard their door close and he was sure he heard a sound like a bolt clicking into place.

Well, well, well. Who would have thought it?

Comments

[donnab810.livejournal.com]

~Really good chapter... lol poor Nick I understand his feelings of never havig a "proper" relationships which dont include- hook ups... Yeah been there done that sorta thinking..