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[catlover2x.livejournal.com]

Title: The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Vulgar Little Beasties in Love
Author: Catlover2x
Pairings: Nick/Greg, other
Summary: AU. Both boys try to cope with their separation. Nick gets depressed and goes to counseling. Papa Olaf and Jillian continue to support them as they face the challenge.
Rating: Chapter 16: PG-13
Chapters: 16/17
Disclaimer: So I was talking to Greg the other day and he assured me that this whole story is true, just as he told it to me. Okay, I wasn't really talking to him so call me a liar. Therefore this is all lies.
Beta'd by the extremely funny Liriel and the loveable Kennedy
Dedicated to: mangojunkie




Samples from emails between Nick and Greg covering a year and half of separation.


The first month:

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
God I already miss you! Are you okay? Are you tired from the trip? Is your mom still being cool? She was really nice in our last week. It made stuff easier in a way, but also harder. Do you miss me? I <3 U

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
God, I miss you too! I’m okay, are you? The trip sucked, everything sucks. My friends are glad to see me but I don’t care. My mom’s being cool but she’s like, tiptoeing around like I’ll break. I hate that. I miss you. <3 U 2

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
Are you going to therapy? Remember, you promised. I’m going to sound like Wendy for a minute here, but when you’re traumatized as a child, you get post traumatic stress disorder and you never get over it without help. You’ve been cramming it down for a long time. It’ll only get worse if you don’t, now that you’ve faced it. I really miss you. Catherine and Warrick tried to take me to a football game, but I wouldn’t go. But Warrick said he’s going to drag me to the next one; he says you’ll get bored with me if I can’t follow sports. Sara and Archie say hi. Sara broke up with Melissa; she says she lied to her, but she won’t say what it was about. You wouldn’t believe how mad she is. I think she almost said yes to going out with Alex, just to rub Melissa’s face in it, but she remembered just in time he’s not a girl. I really miss you and everything sux. <3 U

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
I’m going to therapy but so far all I talk about is you. I miss you so much, I can’t concentrate. The therapist is actually pretty cool, he used to play football and he specializes in people who had the same thing happen as what happened to me. And he doesn’t care that I’m gay. His name is Jim Brass. He said that the pain of missing you will get better in time but I don’t believe him because I don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy again. And after Warrick and Archie being cool with us, it’s like, I can’t even talk to my friends about anything. My mom’s going too, to a different one. She says she feels guilty although I don’t know why. It’s not like she knew in advance. I never really liked that Melissa and LOL about Sara and Alex. Tell her and Archie hi from me. And tell Warrick to mind his own business. I’d like you even if you hated football. <3 U

~*~

Greg put his head down on the desk and sniffled. He reached for a tissue and blew his nose.

Papa Olaf came into his bedroom with a steaming mug of homemade chicken soup.

“Kjære, what are you doing out of bed?”

“I had to email Nick,” Greg said in a croaky voice. “He’s going to therapy and he’s really down. I’m worried about him.” He smiled, such a brave little smile that Papa Olaf felt his heart twinge with sympathy. “He misses me.”

Papa Olaf set the mug down and helped Greg stand, guiding his dizzy steps to his bed. “Of course he misses you, my little one. He loves you, he has the tender heart, that one. Do not doubt him. And do not let me catch you out of bed with bare feet on this cold floor again.”

“I had to answer his email,” Greg insisted.

“He will understand that you have a cold,” Papa Olaf said soothingly. “Come, have some soup, it will help your throat.”

“I didn’t tell him I have a cold,” Greg said between sips. Papa Olaf was right, the soup did feel good to his sore throat.”

“Why not?”

“He has enough going on. I don’t want him to worry about me,” Greg explained.

“Søten,” Papa Olaf sighed.

~*~

“Your mother told me that you were molested when you were nine.” Jim Brass watched Nick, noting the subtle wave of pain that rolled over his face.

“And that you had to leave your boyfriend behind when you came home.”

For the first time Nick raised his eyes so Jim could see them. The therapist winced in sympathy at the depths of raw pain he saw reflected there.

“Yeah.”

At least he’d gotten the boy to say something at last. “It hurts.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yeah…”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“So how would you like to spend your time here?”

Nick shook his head, sullenly studying the carpet.

Jim remained silent, watching Nick, while remaining relaxed in his chair. He hoped that in time the boy would feel safe enough with him to talk. Right now he sensed the struggle inside him was intense. Nick had spent half of his life forcing inconvenient emotions to stay submerged. From what Jillian had told him, everything had blown up in a single night.

Jim allowed Nick to sit there in silence for the entire hour. “Time’s up, Nick. I’ll see you Thursday.”

As if wading through mud, Nick hauled himself up from his chair and plodded to the door.

~*~

Three months of separation: (June)

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
I haven’t heard from you in a while. If you wanted to stop, you would let me know, right? I don’t want to bug you. I miss you. What’s going on with you? Are you still going to therapy? Are you okay? Please write, even if you just tell me to fuck off. <3 U

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
I will NEVER tell you to fuck off! It’s just, things are so hard right now. I was kind of scared to write because I didn’t want to drag you down with me. I’m depressed and the therapist wants to put me on antidepressants. I really don’t want to, for one thing, it won’t look good later when I go to apply for a job. For another, I’m really against drugs. I want to beat this myself. He said exercise is the next best thing. Right now the only time I feel good is when I’m running or working out. I have a lot of trouble sitting still even to type and sometimes my hands shake. But I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. I just am sad. I miss you so much. <3 U

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
I bit the bullet and asked my mom about antidepressants. She said that they can help even as a temporary measure, just to kick start you out of a depression. If you’re not on them for a long time, it won’t affect your record. She said sometimes you need to take them or you can’t even pay attention in therapy so it doesn’t help you. She said if your hands are shaking you’re probably exercising too much and it’s not going to help. She said that antideps can help you rest. Listen, I know my mom is weird, but this is her field and she does know a lot about it. She said you should talk to your therapist again and tell him how you’re feeling. I think Papa Olaf must have said something to her because she’s suddenly acting all lovey dovey with me. She tried to hug me one day and I almost freaked. Edward is still in some other century though. It’s nice to know some things are constant. I love you a lot and I miss you so much. I can’t even whack off right now. It’s just not the same. I miss you. Please write to me even if you’re down. I get really scared when you let a week go by and I don’t hear from you. <3 U

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. My mom’s always hovering over me, like she’s afraid I’m going to commit suicide or something. I’m not because I have a goal now. I’m going to study hard and get through the first year at A&M with good grades so I can transfer to Stanford and we’ll room together. Then we’ll be together forever after that. I sure as hell hope you want that too because I’m not giving you any choice. I did talk to Jim and he agreed with your mom (go Wendy!) and asked me to try the antideps for 3 months, so I’m on a really low dose. It does seem to help. I can sleep now. You know I can’t talk about other stuff but that’s not back to normal. I miss you too much. It’s so weird to think of your mom trying to hug you. I can see why you freaked. How is Papa Olaf? Please tell him I miss him and thank you. He’s great. God, I miss you. <3 U

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
I’m relieved to hear you’re on the antideps, even tho I know you hate drugs. It won’t be for long. Papa Olaf is great. He keeps me sane when I want to freak out and go to a rave or something. And no, don’t even ask. I’ll never try X, I like to know what the actual chemical compound is in something I’m going to put in my body. I could see drinking till I pass out tho. Just the idea of sharing a room in college is so hot great that I popped wood got really excited just thinking about it. You mean it about being together? I’d really like that. <3 U

~*~

Jillian went out to the screened porch. Nick was sitting in the swing, staring at nothing, idly rocking himself with one foot on the ground. Silently she joined him, looking out over the grass and trees. Although she said nothing, Nick could feel her sympathy and yet part of him wanted her to just leave him alone. Too many questions he didn’t want to answer, he felt better being in limbo.

Gradually he relaxed when she didn’t say anything. Somehow it was comforting to have her sitting at the other end of the swing as dusk fell and the cicadas started their low hum.

“It’s not just Greg,” Nick said suddenly.

“You miss your other friends,” Jillian responded.

“I do, but it’s more than that.”

“Because they knew.”

“And they were okay with it.” Nick blinked away a tear. “Warrick is a really great guy, he’s a leader, you know? And he’s straight and all, but he never made me feel like a faggot. And he likes Greg too. Most guys like that don’t.”

“It’s wonderful to be accepted for who you are and not have to hide,” Jillian said softly, carefully keeping her eyes on the landscape even though she was longing to look at Nick.

“Yeah.” It was all Nick said but the little sigh that accompanied it warmed Jillian’s heart. She felt at last since she had forced the boys apart Nick comprehended that she loved him and hadn’t done it to hurt him.

“Mom?”

“Yes, Nicky?”

“Can I have a hug?”

“Always, honey, always.” Jillian opened her arms and Nick snuggled against her, leaning his head on her shoulder. She smoothed his hair away from his face and they sat together, watching the stars light the night sky.

~*~

“Greg?” A voice came softly from his bedroom doorway.

“Yes, Wendy?” Greg looked up from his homework.

“You may call me mother or mom,” Wendy offered awkwardly.

Greg hid a smile, sometimes he felt older than his mother. Since Nick had left and he’d burst out with the information that he loved the other boy, she’d treated him differently, as if he’d gone from being a mere child to an adult overnight, although sometimes he still felt like a specimen under glass being studied.

The curfew had disappeared; she now trusted his judgment, or said she did. Not that it did him much good now, he had nowhere he wanted to be, and nobody to be with, so most days he just came home after school and did his homework, the same as always.

“Are you going to email Nick?”

“I do everyday,” Greg replied, waiting expectantly.

“Please ask him to tell his mother hello from me,” Wendy offered awkwardly.

“Sure, anything else?”

“Your father and I are going out for dinner, would you like to join us?”

“No, thanks.”

She waited but Greg looked down at his homework again. Wendy sighed. Eventually she left and Greg relaxed in his chair, smiling sadly. She’d tried to talk to him about Nick, his feelings for Nick, the unlikelihood that at their ages their love would last, but he refused to give her any information. He listened to her politely but didn’t volunteer anything about how he felt.

At least until he felt desperate enough to go to her study, interrupting her as she graded papers to ask about depression and antidepressants. He’d researched both topics on the internet but was surprised after some time to admit to himself that here at last was one area that he really did trust her opinion.

She treated his concerns with respect, asking about Nick’s symptoms and explaining the way therapy and medication intersected as clearly as she could, all the while regretting how she’d let this most important relationship slip away from her. She gave him her expertise because he wouldn’t take her comfort.

Under all her words, Greg heard her doubt that this long distance relationship would prosper and endure. It might not last but Nick would tell him if his feelings changed. He was in love with an honourable man. He looked down at the watch Nick had given him and stroked it with one finger.

~*~

“It’s too long,” Nick said, after a long silence.

Jim Brass kept his gaze on Nick’s face. “You think Greg will forget you?”

“Why would he want me? I’m so fucked up.” Nick clenched his hands, his nails digging into his palms. Since that night when his mother had talked with him on the porch, the flood of emotion was just too much for him. Jim kept asking questions, watching him and Nick was afraid that if he told the therapist too much, everything would pour out of him like a volcano, killing everyone within reach.

“Too fucked up for anyone to love you?”

“My parents have to love me, it’s the rules.”

Jim chuckled. “You’re very lovable.”

Nick looked up sharply, sure that Jim was making fun of him. “Why?”

“Why do you think you aren’t?”

“Is all you do is ask questions?” Nick asked irritably.

“Seems like you’re doing all the work, doesn’t it?” Jim smiled.

“Yeah.”

“That’s the secret to therapy.”

“Not fair,” Nick mumbled, looking down again.

“Yeah, it’s a bummer, isn’t it?”

Nick laughed. “You’re asking another question again.”

Jim was pleased; that was the first time Nick had laughed or even volunteered much by way of opinion. “I’ll let you in on a secret if you like.”

Nick looked interested. “Okay.”

“It’s knowing which questions to ask. After that, it’s all up to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Since you’ve been coming to me, all you’ve talked about is Greg and how he won’t want you. It’s been three months since you’ve been apart. He emails you everyday, whether you respond or not. Even though it sounds as if he doesn’t have a close relationship with his mother, he went to her to ask about medication on your behalf. He shows every sign of hanging in there. So let me ask you, what are you doing for him?”

“I email him.” Nick retired behind his sulky anger once again.

“You worry that you’re too fucked up for him, but what are you doing to be less fucked up?”

Nick flushed; he knew just what Jim was getting at. Working out six hours a day might help him numb the pain, but it wasn’t doing much for Greg. He’d barely been able to muster the energy to reply to his emails even once a week.

“I need to work in here,” Nick admitted softly.

“If you can’t do it for yourself, how about doing it for him?”

Nick met his therapist’s eyes, seeing kindness there, underlaid with determination.

“You’re right. What do I have to do?”

“Start talking.”

~*~


July:



“He’s turning seventeen and I’m not there to say Happy Birthday,” Nick mourned.

“It’s rough,” Jim agreed.

“I love him.”

“How did you feel before you met him?”

“Sort of… dead inside, I guess,” Nick said hesitantly.

“You dated? Your mother mentioned that you’d dated girls before you moved.”

“Yeah.”

“Why girls? Did you know that you preferred boys?”

“I guess. It just seemed like too much trouble, you know?”

“Tell me,” Jim invited.

“I wasn’t looking to hook up with anyone, so why bother?”

“What was it about Greg that made things feel different for you?”

“When I saw him, I thought he was cute and all,” Nick flushed with embarrassment. Cute didn’t cover the jolt of sexual attraction that made his cock harden on the spot, overriding his urge to avoid emotional complications.

“How did you feel?” Jim asked, stressing the word feel.

Nick struggled for words; how could he describe the magnetic pull he’d felt? He’d resisted it at first, simply watching Greg around school, wondering himself what was so irresistible about the younger boy. “He was so alive. His eyes…”

Jim waited, watching as Nick sat up straight and moved his hands, for the first time he saw a hint of the vital personality that was hidden by the depression.

“I felt… a connection…” Nick said slowly.

“It must have felt nice.”

“It was more than nice,” Nick said shyly. “I would have been happy just to be friends with him. I couldn’t believe my luck when it turned out he liked me too.”

“So you fooled him?”

“No! I never did, I wouldn’t do that to him!” Nick paused, realising what Jim was doing but wanting him to understand. “He’s too smart, I couldn’t fool him even if I tried. At least not for long.”

“What did he do when you told him about the molestation?”

Nick squirmed at the word; he never wanted to talk about it. Even though Jim allowed him to talk as much as he wanted about Greg, he always found ways to bring him back to confront it. “He hugged me. He wanted to kill her.”

“He felt protective of you.”

“Yeah,” Nick sighed.

“You have trouble with that.”

“I should be the one, I should be able to protect him!” Nick said urgently.

“But who protects you? Don’t you deserve to have someone feel that way about you?”

Nick tried to suppress the tears but they came anyway. Jim handed him a box of tissues with mute sympathy and waited.

~*~

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
Happy birthday, baby. I wish I could be there with you. You’re 17 and now it’s only a year till we’ll be together again. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. If we couldn’t email everyday, I don’t know what I’d do. Go nuts, probably. The antideps seem to be helping a bit, but sometimes I just miss you so much. The last 4 months have been hell without you. Sorry, didn’t mean to be depressing on your birthday. This is just so hard, I can’t even tell you how I feel just because I’m a year older. You’ll just have to imagine what I’d do if I were there. My mom said I can tell you I love you because a friend can always tell that to a friend. She says friends don’t say it often enough. So I love you and I miss you. Have a great birthday. Tell Papa Olaf hi from me. I love you.

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
It doesn’t feel much different to be 17. I wonder if 18 will feel different. Did you suddenly feel like an adult when you turned 18? Like all of a sudden my choice whether to have sex will be legal and I’ll get all serious and the law will know and butt out of my business? I wish everyone would just leave us alone. We weren’t hurting anyone and I’m never going to change my mind about you. In fact, I’m so glad we didn’t wait. At least I have some happy memories to look back on. Sometimes I’m so afraid I’ll never see you again, you’ll get better and meet someone else and forget all about me. Sometimes I know we’ll be together forever. Sorry, didn’t mean to be depressing. You’ve got enough on your back, you don’t need my shit on top of everything. I just went over to Papa Olaf’s. Since I couldn’t get the only present I wanted, my birthday didn’t mean much this year. I love you and I miss you so much. <3 U

~*~

Six months of separation: (Sept)

Greg hesitated, his hands hovering over the keyboard. Was this it? Was he losing Nick at last? Maybe Wendy was right after all; she did know a lot about this stuff.

He typed a long reply to Nick’s latest email, then erased it all. He didn’t want to unload all that emotion, expose his insecurity so clearly. Nick would get tired of his need for reassurance and dump him anyway, no matter what he did.

After an hour of writing and rewriting, he realised this situation was not something he could control anyway. He typed three sentences and pressed send before he could second-guess himself again.


From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
I can’t tell you what to do. You didn’t make me any promises so if you want to go on a date, it’s up to you. Miss you.

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
Fuck! I’m not going on a date! Sorry, I must have explained it all wrong. Don’t ever worry about that, babe. I’m taking a friend’s cousin’s friend to her prom, that’s all. She’s cute and everything, but she’s not you. I’m just doing my friend a favour. He’s stuck taking his cousin and I said I’d help him out. WTF, it’s not like I’m doing anything anyway. LOL. I’m a college man now so she’s all excited to show me off to her friends. I’ll be polite and all, but she’s not even gonna get a kiss. And anyway, what about you? It sounds like your roommate at college is interested in you. And how’d you get Wendy to agree to let you stay in the dorm? I was sure she’d make you stay home and commute. What does your roommate look like? Have you ever thought of not going out, but like, getting a suck buddy? I’m still doing therapy and I know it’s helping, even tho I had to switch therapists now that I’m in Corpus Christi. I miss you so much. Can you send me a picture of what you look like now? When they get developed, I’ll send you one of me in my tux for the dance. Don’t worry, I’m not going out. <3 U

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
You look really good in your tux but you didn’t mention your date was so beautiful. And she wants you, just look at how she’s looking at you. I’m a college man too, so you got nothing on me. Wendy let me stay in the dorm because she says she wants to rekindle the romance with my dad. Boy, did he look surprised! And sort of scared. I really, REALLY don’t want to think about that! My roommate’s name is Rich and he’s kind of cute. He’s a swimmer so he’s got that swimmer’s body. I’m pretty sure he’s straight. He’s smart and he’s taking physics, astronomy and pre-law. Weird combo. So does this mean you want a suck buddy? <3 U

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
Kind of cute? Your roommate is hot and you’d better not be doing anything with him. No! I don’t want a suck buddy! I want you! I thought I didn’t need to make a promise before I left but if I’d thought of it I would have. If you don’t love me any more, just come out and tell me. I’m in therapy so I’ll deal, but I’ll hate you if you dump me. Because I’m checking off the days till I can come to see you. And I will come to see you, whether you dump me or not. It’s your choice if I kick your ass or kiss you. If you’re fucking your roommate, you’d better stop!

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
You asshole! I’m not fucking my roommate, I’m not fucking anyone. And who the fuck are you to tell me what to do? You’re going out on dates! No one wants to date me! So fuck off and die!

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
You fuck off and die! You’re the asshole. All I’ve done is love you and miss you.

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
You still love me?

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
I STILL LOVE YOU! I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU TILL WE DIE!!!!! I promise you, I won’t date anyone, I don’t want a fuck buddy, I’m not going to the back room to get a bj. I love you!!!!

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
I love you too! And I’m not fucking anyone and I promise I won’t fuck anyone but you. <3 U

P.S. What back rooms are these?

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
I know something Greg Sanders doesn’t? In the back rooms at gay clubs, guys stand around and you can get a blowjob. And before you ask, NO, I haven’t been to one. My brother’s a cop and he told me about it. I miss you so much and I love you. Let’s not fight by email. It’s too hard to wait for the answer. Next time call if you want to pick a fight. <3 U

From: Sanderstheman
To: I’mStoked
You better not go to those clubs. Ewww, think of the germs! Altho it is kind of hot to think about a club full of guys like us all wanting to suck dick. Maybe when we’re together we could go to one and just watch? There has to be a lot of them in SF, it’s the vortex of gay social life. Does your brother know you’re gay? Did you tell your dad yet? I don’t want to fight. <3 U

From: I’mStoked
To: Sanderstheman
My mom kept her promise and she’s the only one who knows. I know it’s hard on her not to be able to talk to my dad about it, but at first I was too depressed to talk to anyone. She said as long as being gay wasn’t putting me in danger, she wouldn’t tell my dad. My brother was just telling something that happened at work. Hey, his wife had the baby! It’s a boy and they named it Chris! I’m an uncle. It’s sure an ugly baby tho, but my mom says they get better. I like the idea of going to one of those clubs with you and watching, but watching is ALL we’ll be doing. Then we’ll go home and if you want to suck dick, I know where you can find one. >;-p I don’t want to fight either. I miss you and I love you. <3 U

~*~

“Did you ever fight with Nana?”

Papa Olaf laughed long and immoderately. “Of course, my heart. What did you think?”

“You always seemed so happy together, I don’t remember you ever fighting.”

“My own dear mother always said, ‘don’t let the sun go down on your anger.’ So we fought. We had some big fights and many little ones. It is one way to let out your irritations and negotiate with one another to how you will handle your disagreements,” Papa Olaf explained.

“Did you ever fight because of a misunderstanding?”

“For sure, Greg. What brought this on? Have you and Nick been fighting?”

Greg nodded. “Via email, which makes it worse because you have to wait for a response and I can’t see his face. So did you and Nana disagree?”

“Of course, no one is perfect. And people think differently about things,” Papa Olaf smiled, remembering one particularly vivid fight that arose over the tiny issue of where to place a photograph of Wendy in their home. In the end they had compromised, made a second copy and they had each hung the same photo in a different room.

“So, were you afraid that Nana wouldn’t love you any more when you fought?”

Papa Olaf looked at Greg sharply, noticing that he didn’t seem as unhappy as he would have been if he were in the middle of fighting with Nick.

“Dear heart, the first time we fought, we thought our marriage was over. We were prepared to stay together for Wendy’s sake, but we thought we had many years of unhappiness before us. But that is not the way things worked. After three days we were laughing together again. We learned to apologize to each other, we learned to be careful of each other. Eventually we learned to fight in a way that helped air our differences without wounding each other.”

Greg took heart from the speech, looking down at his watch with a tiny smile.

“And from that we learned to trust that we were safe to share our anger, disappointment and resentment as well as our love,” Papa Olaf ended softly.

“Wow,” Greg said. “Is that like therapy?”

Papa Olaf laughed. “Therapy is often just the good common sense, but the sense, it is not always so common, now, is it?”

Greg grinned as he considered for a moment. “Maybe not.”

~*~

Nick smiled at his mother when she came to call him to dinner. He didn’t miss the anxious look she gave him. He was home for the week off, as it was study break and he and Greg had been fighting via email.

“Everything okay?” she asked, carefully not prying.

“Yeah, now it is.” He rose from his desk and gave her a quick hug.

“Good,” she said emphatically. “I don’t think you’ll lose him that easily.”

She rarely talked about Greg, uneasily conscious of her part in causing the separation, but she had grown so accustomed to thinking of them as a couple, that she didn’t want to see them fail.

“I hope not.”

“You won’t.”

~*~

tbc

Søten = sweet boy
Kjære = dear