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Nov. 24th, 2005 10:23 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
bflyw.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
nickngregTitle: Living in Fear
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them...
Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
anmani for beta!
the 3 first chapters can be found here
The drive home was silent. Greg could tell the both of them had a lot on their minds but none of them knew where to start a conversation. Nick was driving, so Greg was the one left with the most time to let his thoughts drift, and he did so in high speed. He looked at the people passing by, all seemed determent to get to work in a hurry. He looked at the sun that was telling the city to wake up, yet he was on his way home to sleep. He looked at the dog on the lawn, sniffing on some other dogs urinal manifest, only concerned about the here and now and Greg wondered if anyone knew how much his whole life had been turned upside down the last 48 hours.
Driving home with his boyfriend.
Driving home with Nick.
Driving home in openness.
This was what they wanted, right? This was what he had asked for.
Openness; not hiding anymore.
So why did he feel so numb? Why hadn’t it removed the knot in his stomach?
Sure he felt relieved. This was what they had wanted and dreaded for so long, and now it was over and done with. They had told everyone. They had actually told everyone. The realization of the words hadn’t really sunk in yet. Catherine, Grissom and Sara seemed okay about it, but Warrick was another matter. Warrick was, well, Warrick, which made it rather complicated. Warrick was not mean or difficult, he was just rather strong headed, something that could be said about all the CSI’s. What made Warrick different was that Warrick was Nick’s friend.
Part of him wanted to let Warrick be Nick’s problem; it was his friend after all. But being the subject of their argument kind of dragged him in to it. He didn’t want to see Nick hurt, and he didn’t want to see Nick loose Warrick as a friend either, not even now, when he didn’t have very high thoughts about him. One thing was to take crap from others, he could do that. He didn’t like it, hell, he hated it, but he took it none the less. But he couldn’t stand by watching anyone bash others, and especially not his boyfriend. It wasn’t an eagerness to be a hero that hade made him interfere; he just knew that if he watched he would add to the pain. So he preferred standing up to the wrong doers over inflicting more pain. This had made him rather unpopular in school though. The way to make friends with the popular folks is not to stand up to them on behalf of the poor suckers being trampled on. Having a brain and being the leader of the chess club didn’t exactly give him higher scores, but the final straw had been when the quarterback called him a fag and in his strives to stay true to the truth, he didn’t deny it. That night he had been officially beaten.
The disappointing part had not been being beaten by the entire football team. Yes, it had hurt, they had muscles for sure. No, the disappointing part had been, and still was, that when he was the one being trampled on, there had been no one to stand up for him. No one had interfered, no one had visited him at the hospital, and no one told him how sorry they were that this had happened to him. He, Greg Sanders, was the one that everybody found it okay to step on and throw away. And the really surprising part was that not even a single adult had seen it coming. They had all praised him for being so grown up, so strong, so independent, and they had all missed to see that walking alone was not always a choice of independence, but rather a strategy to survive. They missed to see that the boy inside was very much a child; a frightened little child who just wanted some support. No one would blame him for being all grown up now though. One should believe he would have retreated and turned inwards after the attack. He didn’t… He continued holding his head up high and facing everyone. He continued standing up for others, although with a little less enthusiasm than before, and he continued being true to the truth, at least when it came to the important issues, like being gay. And he had started shooting back jokes when he was hurt, and putting up shows to make sure that he was the one controlling the situation. One situation he could not control though was relationship. He could give himself all up to another person, or he could hold back. He would trust that person to be good, and give him everything, but how could he ever trust himself to be good enough? Greg, the one they all had agreed was dispensable…
The lab rat
The CSI wannabe
The one that do not belong.
‘Weak. Or Strong?’ he thought while streets passed them by, ‘I don’t know…
Weak because I can’t accept help?
Strong because I carry it all by my self and don’t bother others with it?
Weak?
Strong?
I need help. I asked for help. Yesterday. I asked for help.
And then I asked for help again, from Catherine.
Be there… Be there for Nick.
I don’t want to do this to him. I don’t want him to carry this burden. I don’t want him to have to be there for me, but I can’t…
I can’t carry it alone anymore. It’s too much. I can’t…
Be there for Nick, so that he can be there for me.
Be there so that I can fall apart, and feel… I just need to feel. I just…
I have never accepted the help before, just from Nick. But that was physical. That was burns…
I let him help me with the burns, so that he could ease his own pain. He needed that. I could not deny him that.
I have never accepted this kind of help before. I’m doing it now. I’m doing it…
I don’t know how…
Talk to him, she said. Talk to him…
I don’t know how. I don’t know… where to start…
I don’t know…
What if I hurt him?
What if it’s too much?
What if…?’
He had always been there to stand up for others. He was there for Nick. He wanted to be there for Nick. Knowing that the fallout between Nick and Warrick was an argument only concerning the two of them didn’t leave him much choice than to back out though, if he only knew how….
Nick hadn’t talked to him about it yet, but hey, they were only on their way home from work, and they had barely seen each other all day. Besides, work was not the place to talk. Still, not a word about it in the locker room, the parking lot, or here in the car. Not a word at all in the car as a matter of fact. Nick had been all quiet since they left the CSI building, and Greg surprised himself by shutting up. He simply didn’t know which of the thousand thoughts he should say, and even though there usually were no filter between his brain and mouth, there simply wasn’t room for all those words to come out, so he kept quiet.
“I can’t believe you even like Sanders, never the less fuck him! Don’t you think that he’s just a tad bit annoying? I mean, yeah, he is a brilliant lab tech, but he is an annoying son of a bitch. CSI wannabe. The way he dress, the way he act. Come on, don’t fuck with me. You aren’t serious about him are you? Tell me this is just an experiment. Something you have to get out of your system. I’m all for it Nick, do whatever you like to have fun, but don’t let this weirdo ruin your life.”
Warrick’s words had mirrored his own thoughts and all of a sudden, the reality had hit him hard. Nick would know. Nick would see who he truly was, and he would understand that Greg had not been the right person to risk it all for. He would know. He would know…..
What if…
What if Nick stopped loving him? What if Nick only had fallen in love with the funny Greg that always put up a show? What if he didn’t like him anymore when he got all serious? What if he would start thinking of Greg as a burden? What if he only stayed with him out of pity, because he was too afraid of hurting him when he was already down because of the whole job mess? What if he would start hating him for scaring Warrick away?
What if…
What if Nick realized who he really was? What if Nick would see what the rest of them saw so clearly? He had hoped that if he only behaved, cleaned up after himself, and did not bring any problems to the relationship, then maybe Nick would still love him. And he had done that, all until yesterday. Yesterday, when he had quit his job. Yesterday when his agony had pushed him over the edge and forced him to show Nick the real face of Gregory Hojem Sanders. He hadn’t left. Nick hadn’t left, and Greg was still stunned by that. Nick had been afraid that Greg had left, but that was of course before he had seen the real him.
”You still are Greg.”
Did he know him? Had he seen him? Who was he anyway? Greg? Who was the Greg Nick still thought he was?
“I thought I’d lost you!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Nick had been sad. The weird thing was, Nick hadn’t seemed sad that Greg was weak, he had seemed sad that he hadn’t told him sooner. That he had been held in the dark, and that he hadn’t been given the opportunity to help him. Nick wanted to help him. Nick. Nick wanted to help him. Help. Someone who do not think he is disposable. Nick doesn’t think so, and that after he had seen him weak. He had seen him fail, and he was sad because he hadn’t seen it sooner.
It was merely 24 hours ago that Nick had last convinced him about his love.
How little did he trust in his boyfriend? Did he really deserve a boyfriend like that, when he didn’t even trust in his love? When the words and kind acts hadn’t been enough, did he deserve him?
“I am serious enough that I chose to risk disappointing my family, ruining my career and loosing my friends to be with him. That is how serious I am. And if you can’t accept that, then that is your problem. Greg is in my life, and if I have anything to say about it, he is there to stay.”
He had heard the words before. Not the exact same, but the meaning of them. Nick had sat him down, told him that he himself had made the choice to be with Greg. ‘I love you’, he had said.
Love.
Love?
He had said the words again.
Not to Greg.
He had said them again, without knowing Greg was listening.
Not to Greg.
Did that make them true?
Did he talk about Greg? The Greg he was, or the Greg Nick thought he was…
He saw yesterday. He saw and he stayed.
Love.
Love is a big word, isn’t it? Love…
“I chose to risk”
“That is how serious I am.”
Risk – I chose to risk. Is that it?
Did he love enough? Was he willing to risk enough? Was he willing enough to risk being disappointed, so that he can be honest with Nick? Doesn’t Nick deserve that?
It is love, isn’t it, when you see all your world crashing down, and all you can think of is spending just a little more time with the man next to you in bed? Love is when you want to scream his name to the world, but you live in hiding because he is not ready to come out just yet. Love is when you hold his hand when he cries at night, because some child has been molested and he could do nothing to prevent it.
But is it love, when you have to ask him to bear more than his share of the burdens, because you can’t carry your part at the moment? Is it love, when you ask him to jeopardize his friendship with his best friend, because you can’t live in hiding anymore? Is it love, when you knowingly let him pay most of the bills the next few months, because you sacrificed the pay check being too chicken to be in the lab that has been your workplace for the last 4 years. Is that love or are you simply being egocentric?
Maybe it is love to tell him, so that you can decide together how much of the burdens you shall both carry. Maybe it is love when you trust him enough to love you when you need it? Maybe it is love when you let him be there for you because he loves you and wants to help you, just as much as you want to be there for him. Maybe it is love when you drive home in silence because you don’t have to say anything, because you know he will be there later, when you are ready to talk.
Maybe it is love when you decide that you shall open up to him from now on.
Warrick felt sick to the stomach when he rang the bell at Nick’s townhouse. It was not the first time he had rung that bell, and it would hopefully not be the last either. He had entered this house feeling the entire specter of emotions, but today would be the worst by far, if he were to enter the house at all that is.
He had previously come here happy and content to visit a friend, spending an evening in front of a football game, drinking beers and just hanging out. He had been here worried and blue when he needed to be distracted from gambling. He had entered angry when he'd processed the scene after Nigel Crane decided he wanted to become Nick and occupied his attic. This is the house in which he cried when his mistake led to Holly’s death. This was also where he was given the opportunity to pay Nick back for his tremendous support when he needed a friend after Kristi’s murder.
For the first time he was not sure he was welcome.
Working up the courage to look Nick into his eyes, he straightened his back and took three deep breaths. The door opened and he did not look down but met the firm gaze of Greg Sanders. Whether or not the shiver felt was of relief of the slightly postponed confrontation or fear of reprimands from this strong man in a fragile frame he would never be able to tell. Neither how he ended up in the living room chair, facing Nick on the couch, while Greg sat in the opposite corner of the couch from Nick, curled up with his legs underneath him. Part of him wanted Greg to leave for this conversation, but Nick had signaled that he wanted Greg to stay and none were to object to that.
Nick watched Warrick enter the room. He had decided he wanted to talk with him, he just wasn’t sure he was ready yet. Something had been off in the argument they had earlier, and he couldn’t quite recognize his friend in the Warrick he had seen then. He knew he had to listen to him, and give him a chance to explain. He also knew he needed Greg to be there with him, he had to make sure they both knew that Greg was the most important person in his life.
”Warrick,” Nick said leaving him room to say what he came for.
“Nick,” Warrick needed another breath, “I’m sorry.”
“Okay, keep talking,” Nick closed his otherwise open face, shutting Warrick out of the incredible bright appearance that was Nick Stokes.
“I had no right to say what I said about Greg.” He turned his attention slightly towards Greg before focusing on Nick again.
“No,” Nick swallowed, “you had the right.”
Warrick seemed stunned by this and was silenced like he wasn’t really sure how to respond. From the corner of his eye he could see Greg moving uncomfortably in his part of the couch ready to stand up. Nick could only assume he thought Nick was confirming Warrick’s harsh words from earlier. He was fast to nod his head put his hand comforting on Greg’s thigh while adding “I didn’t say you were right about what you said. I only said you had the right to say it. You were awfully wrong in your assumptions though.”
“I know,” Warrick found his voice again, and Greg sat back, although rather tense. Nick felt puzzled, the last time they talked, merely 12 hours ago, he had launched at him pretty hard. “Let’s just say the both of you are equally good at defending each other,” Warrick explained the shift in his opinion.
“I didn’t know.” Nick threw a look to his boyfriend that looked back at him rather embarrassed.
”I guess he figured it was my job to come talk to you and he was absolutely correct.” Warrick dried his sweaty palms on his pants, obviously nervous.
“So..?” Nick waited for a continuance.
“So…,” Warrick looked him straight in the eyes, “I am sorry I disrespected you.”
“Go on”.
“I should have known…you know better. You are a better judge of character, so I should have known that Greg is good enough for you. I’m sorry.”
”No. As I said, you were right, not about Greg though, he is great…” He smiled at Greg hoping he would see his sincerity, before turning towards Warrick again, “and you are right, I am a better judge of character. But you know, as a friend, I’m thankful that you were willing to tell me if you really thought I was wrong. Not everyone would do that.”
“Well, some would be more tactful.” Warrick looked down, clearly embarrassed by his behaviour.
“True.”
“But that’s not all.” Warrick took a deep breath almost like preparing himself to jump into the deep end.
“Okay?” Nick tried to help him to continue.
“I just… This is rather embarrassing... I think I was disappointed. I Think… We are good friends, right? Were I mean?”
“Yeah”
“So, I was hurt that you hadn’t told me. Stupid, I know! I was thinking that you held out on me, and it hurt. I wasn’t thinking straight. I mean, why should you tell me when you didn’t tell anyone else? You probably had good reason, but all I could think of was that you hadn’t told me, and I was mad. I was hurt, and disappointed, and I don’t do disappointments very well. I took it all out in a very childish way. I guess I… I guess I didn’t really listen to all that you said, I only focused on the part where you'd held it a secret, and I blocked everything else out. I thought you for some reason didn’t think of me as a good friend as I consider you…”
Nick felt his heart fall. He hadn’t considered that. He hadn’t even for one minute thought about how Warrick would feel that they deliberately lied to him for a year.
“I can see that.” Nick could feel his eyes fill with moisture, but he didn’t care. Although the room was filled with grown men, they were all on the edge of crying now. “I’m very sorry. We wanted to tell you, we did! It just wasn’t the right time. There was so much at stake, our jobs… mostly Greg’s job, and I couldn't risk that for you. I couldn't. Not even you. I hope you can understand that.”
“I know,” Warrick was fast to reassure him, ”I have grown a lot smarter the last few hours.”
“Good”
“And all the things I said about Greg. I…” Warrick changed focus to the rather uncomfortable looking younger man in the couch, “I am sorry I haven’t seen who you are. I've been so blind: I hope that you one day can forgive me, and that we can learn to be friends as well some day. I don’t expect this to happen any day soon, but maybe with time”
The younger man only nodded. Crying now, and clearly not able to trust his voice.
”I just want you to know, both of you” Nick draw both of the men’s attention to him, “that Greg will always come first for me, but Warrick you're also important. ‘kay?”
“Thanks” Warrick was visibly more relaxed now. Greg on the other hand had started shaking, and Nick knew it was matter of minutes before all his barriers would fall.
While Nick pulled a crying Greg into his embrace, Warrick took this as his cue to leave the house, happy knowing that he hadn’t, by some miracle, ruined a valuable friendship. He didn’t deserve their forgiveness so easily, but he sure knew he wouldn’t risk it again.
Greg leaned into Nick’s embrace and let his tears flow.
’This is love’ he thought. ‘This is love, and Nick didn’t leave’
”Greg!” His name was said in a low tone that gave him comfort. He knew he didn’t need to figure it all out right now. There would be a day tomorrow; a day where he could say everything his mind was wrapped around, a day that would still be shared with Nick.
-FIN-
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own them...
Thanks to
anmani for beta!the 3 first chapters can be found here
The drive home was silent. Greg could tell the both of them had a lot on their minds but none of them knew where to start a conversation. Nick was driving, so Greg was the one left with the most time to let his thoughts drift, and he did so in high speed. He looked at the people passing by, all seemed determent to get to work in a hurry. He looked at the sun that was telling the city to wake up, yet he was on his way home to sleep. He looked at the dog on the lawn, sniffing on some other dogs urinal manifest, only concerned about the here and now and Greg wondered if anyone knew how much his whole life had been turned upside down the last 48 hours.
Driving home with his boyfriend.
Driving home with Nick.
Driving home in openness.
This was what they wanted, right? This was what he had asked for.
Openness; not hiding anymore.
So why did he feel so numb? Why hadn’t it removed the knot in his stomach?
Sure he felt relieved. This was what they had wanted and dreaded for so long, and now it was over and done with. They had told everyone. They had actually told everyone. The realization of the words hadn’t really sunk in yet. Catherine, Grissom and Sara seemed okay about it, but Warrick was another matter. Warrick was, well, Warrick, which made it rather complicated. Warrick was not mean or difficult, he was just rather strong headed, something that could be said about all the CSI’s. What made Warrick different was that Warrick was Nick’s friend.
Part of him wanted to let Warrick be Nick’s problem; it was his friend after all. But being the subject of their argument kind of dragged him in to it. He didn’t want to see Nick hurt, and he didn’t want to see Nick loose Warrick as a friend either, not even now, when he didn’t have very high thoughts about him. One thing was to take crap from others, he could do that. He didn’t like it, hell, he hated it, but he took it none the less. But he couldn’t stand by watching anyone bash others, and especially not his boyfriend. It wasn’t an eagerness to be a hero that hade made him interfere; he just knew that if he watched he would add to the pain. So he preferred standing up to the wrong doers over inflicting more pain. This had made him rather unpopular in school though. The way to make friends with the popular folks is not to stand up to them on behalf of the poor suckers being trampled on. Having a brain and being the leader of the chess club didn’t exactly give him higher scores, but the final straw had been when the quarterback called him a fag and in his strives to stay true to the truth, he didn’t deny it. That night he had been officially beaten.
The disappointing part had not been being beaten by the entire football team. Yes, it had hurt, they had muscles for sure. No, the disappointing part had been, and still was, that when he was the one being trampled on, there had been no one to stand up for him. No one had interfered, no one had visited him at the hospital, and no one told him how sorry they were that this had happened to him. He, Greg Sanders, was the one that everybody found it okay to step on and throw away. And the really surprising part was that not even a single adult had seen it coming. They had all praised him for being so grown up, so strong, so independent, and they had all missed to see that walking alone was not always a choice of independence, but rather a strategy to survive. They missed to see that the boy inside was very much a child; a frightened little child who just wanted some support. No one would blame him for being all grown up now though. One should believe he would have retreated and turned inwards after the attack. He didn’t… He continued holding his head up high and facing everyone. He continued standing up for others, although with a little less enthusiasm than before, and he continued being true to the truth, at least when it came to the important issues, like being gay. And he had started shooting back jokes when he was hurt, and putting up shows to make sure that he was the one controlling the situation. One situation he could not control though was relationship. He could give himself all up to another person, or he could hold back. He would trust that person to be good, and give him everything, but how could he ever trust himself to be good enough? Greg, the one they all had agreed was dispensable…
The lab rat
The CSI wannabe
The one that do not belong.
‘Weak. Or Strong?’ he thought while streets passed them by, ‘I don’t know…
Weak because I can’t accept help?
Strong because I carry it all by my self and don’t bother others with it?
Weak?
Strong?
I need help. I asked for help. Yesterday. I asked for help.
And then I asked for help again, from Catherine.
Be there… Be there for Nick.
I don’t want to do this to him. I don’t want him to carry this burden. I don’t want him to have to be there for me, but I can’t…
I can’t carry it alone anymore. It’s too much. I can’t…
Be there for Nick, so that he can be there for me.
Be there so that I can fall apart, and feel… I just need to feel. I just…
I have never accepted the help before, just from Nick. But that was physical. That was burns…
I let him help me with the burns, so that he could ease his own pain. He needed that. I could not deny him that.
I have never accepted this kind of help before. I’m doing it now. I’m doing it…
I don’t know how…
Talk to him, she said. Talk to him…
I don’t know how. I don’t know… where to start…
I don’t know…
What if I hurt him?
What if it’s too much?
What if…?’
He had always been there to stand up for others. He was there for Nick. He wanted to be there for Nick. Knowing that the fallout between Nick and Warrick was an argument only concerning the two of them didn’t leave him much choice than to back out though, if he only knew how….
Nick hadn’t talked to him about it yet, but hey, they were only on their way home from work, and they had barely seen each other all day. Besides, work was not the place to talk. Still, not a word about it in the locker room, the parking lot, or here in the car. Not a word at all in the car as a matter of fact. Nick had been all quiet since they left the CSI building, and Greg surprised himself by shutting up. He simply didn’t know which of the thousand thoughts he should say, and even though there usually were no filter between his brain and mouth, there simply wasn’t room for all those words to come out, so he kept quiet.
“I can’t believe you even like Sanders, never the less fuck him! Don’t you think that he’s just a tad bit annoying? I mean, yeah, he is a brilliant lab tech, but he is an annoying son of a bitch. CSI wannabe. The way he dress, the way he act. Come on, don’t fuck with me. You aren’t serious about him are you? Tell me this is just an experiment. Something you have to get out of your system. I’m all for it Nick, do whatever you like to have fun, but don’t let this weirdo ruin your life.”
Warrick’s words had mirrored his own thoughts and all of a sudden, the reality had hit him hard. Nick would know. Nick would see who he truly was, and he would understand that Greg had not been the right person to risk it all for. He would know. He would know…..
What if…
What if Nick stopped loving him? What if Nick only had fallen in love with the funny Greg that always put up a show? What if he didn’t like him anymore when he got all serious? What if he would start thinking of Greg as a burden? What if he only stayed with him out of pity, because he was too afraid of hurting him when he was already down because of the whole job mess? What if he would start hating him for scaring Warrick away?
What if…
What if Nick realized who he really was? What if Nick would see what the rest of them saw so clearly? He had hoped that if he only behaved, cleaned up after himself, and did not bring any problems to the relationship, then maybe Nick would still love him. And he had done that, all until yesterday. Yesterday, when he had quit his job. Yesterday when his agony had pushed him over the edge and forced him to show Nick the real face of Gregory Hojem Sanders. He hadn’t left. Nick hadn’t left, and Greg was still stunned by that. Nick had been afraid that Greg had left, but that was of course before he had seen the real him.
”You still are Greg.”
Did he know him? Had he seen him? Who was he anyway? Greg? Who was the Greg Nick still thought he was?
“I thought I’d lost you!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Nick had been sad. The weird thing was, Nick hadn’t seemed sad that Greg was weak, he had seemed sad that he hadn’t told him sooner. That he had been held in the dark, and that he hadn’t been given the opportunity to help him. Nick wanted to help him. Nick. Nick wanted to help him. Help. Someone who do not think he is disposable. Nick doesn’t think so, and that after he had seen him weak. He had seen him fail, and he was sad because he hadn’t seen it sooner.
It was merely 24 hours ago that Nick had last convinced him about his love.
How little did he trust in his boyfriend? Did he really deserve a boyfriend like that, when he didn’t even trust in his love? When the words and kind acts hadn’t been enough, did he deserve him?
“I am serious enough that I chose to risk disappointing my family, ruining my career and loosing my friends to be with him. That is how serious I am. And if you can’t accept that, then that is your problem. Greg is in my life, and if I have anything to say about it, he is there to stay.”
He had heard the words before. Not the exact same, but the meaning of them. Nick had sat him down, told him that he himself had made the choice to be with Greg. ‘I love you’, he had said.
Love.
Love?
He had said the words again.
Not to Greg.
He had said them again, without knowing Greg was listening.
Not to Greg.
Did that make them true?
Did he talk about Greg? The Greg he was, or the Greg Nick thought he was…
He saw yesterday. He saw and he stayed.
Love.
Love is a big word, isn’t it? Love…
“I chose to risk”
“That is how serious I am.”
Risk – I chose to risk. Is that it?
Did he love enough? Was he willing to risk enough? Was he willing enough to risk being disappointed, so that he can be honest with Nick? Doesn’t Nick deserve that?
It is love, isn’t it, when you see all your world crashing down, and all you can think of is spending just a little more time with the man next to you in bed? Love is when you want to scream his name to the world, but you live in hiding because he is not ready to come out just yet. Love is when you hold his hand when he cries at night, because some child has been molested and he could do nothing to prevent it.
But is it love, when you have to ask him to bear more than his share of the burdens, because you can’t carry your part at the moment? Is it love, when you ask him to jeopardize his friendship with his best friend, because you can’t live in hiding anymore? Is it love, when you knowingly let him pay most of the bills the next few months, because you sacrificed the pay check being too chicken to be in the lab that has been your workplace for the last 4 years. Is that love or are you simply being egocentric?
Maybe it is love to tell him, so that you can decide together how much of the burdens you shall both carry. Maybe it is love when you trust him enough to love you when you need it? Maybe it is love when you let him be there for you because he loves you and wants to help you, just as much as you want to be there for him. Maybe it is love when you drive home in silence because you don’t have to say anything, because you know he will be there later, when you are ready to talk.
Maybe it is love when you decide that you shall open up to him from now on.
Warrick felt sick to the stomach when he rang the bell at Nick’s townhouse. It was not the first time he had rung that bell, and it would hopefully not be the last either. He had entered this house feeling the entire specter of emotions, but today would be the worst by far, if he were to enter the house at all that is.
He had previously come here happy and content to visit a friend, spending an evening in front of a football game, drinking beers and just hanging out. He had been here worried and blue when he needed to be distracted from gambling. He had entered angry when he'd processed the scene after Nigel Crane decided he wanted to become Nick and occupied his attic. This is the house in which he cried when his mistake led to Holly’s death. This was also where he was given the opportunity to pay Nick back for his tremendous support when he needed a friend after Kristi’s murder.
For the first time he was not sure he was welcome.
Working up the courage to look Nick into his eyes, he straightened his back and took three deep breaths. The door opened and he did not look down but met the firm gaze of Greg Sanders. Whether or not the shiver felt was of relief of the slightly postponed confrontation or fear of reprimands from this strong man in a fragile frame he would never be able to tell. Neither how he ended up in the living room chair, facing Nick on the couch, while Greg sat in the opposite corner of the couch from Nick, curled up with his legs underneath him. Part of him wanted Greg to leave for this conversation, but Nick had signaled that he wanted Greg to stay and none were to object to that.
Nick watched Warrick enter the room. He had decided he wanted to talk with him, he just wasn’t sure he was ready yet. Something had been off in the argument they had earlier, and he couldn’t quite recognize his friend in the Warrick he had seen then. He knew he had to listen to him, and give him a chance to explain. He also knew he needed Greg to be there with him, he had to make sure they both knew that Greg was the most important person in his life.
”Warrick,” Nick said leaving him room to say what he came for.
“Nick,” Warrick needed another breath, “I’m sorry.”
“Okay, keep talking,” Nick closed his otherwise open face, shutting Warrick out of the incredible bright appearance that was Nick Stokes.
“I had no right to say what I said about Greg.” He turned his attention slightly towards Greg before focusing on Nick again.
“No,” Nick swallowed, “you had the right.”
Warrick seemed stunned by this and was silenced like he wasn’t really sure how to respond. From the corner of his eye he could see Greg moving uncomfortably in his part of the couch ready to stand up. Nick could only assume he thought Nick was confirming Warrick’s harsh words from earlier. He was fast to nod his head put his hand comforting on Greg’s thigh while adding “I didn’t say you were right about what you said. I only said you had the right to say it. You were awfully wrong in your assumptions though.”
“I know,” Warrick found his voice again, and Greg sat back, although rather tense. Nick felt puzzled, the last time they talked, merely 12 hours ago, he had launched at him pretty hard. “Let’s just say the both of you are equally good at defending each other,” Warrick explained the shift in his opinion.
“I didn’t know.” Nick threw a look to his boyfriend that looked back at him rather embarrassed.
”I guess he figured it was my job to come talk to you and he was absolutely correct.” Warrick dried his sweaty palms on his pants, obviously nervous.
“So..?” Nick waited for a continuance.
“So…,” Warrick looked him straight in the eyes, “I am sorry I disrespected you.”
“Go on”.
“I should have known…you know better. You are a better judge of character, so I should have known that Greg is good enough for you. I’m sorry.”
”No. As I said, you were right, not about Greg though, he is great…” He smiled at Greg hoping he would see his sincerity, before turning towards Warrick again, “and you are right, I am a better judge of character. But you know, as a friend, I’m thankful that you were willing to tell me if you really thought I was wrong. Not everyone would do that.”
“Well, some would be more tactful.” Warrick looked down, clearly embarrassed by his behaviour.
“True.”
“But that’s not all.” Warrick took a deep breath almost like preparing himself to jump into the deep end.
“Okay?” Nick tried to help him to continue.
“I just… This is rather embarrassing... I think I was disappointed. I Think… We are good friends, right? Were I mean?”
“Yeah”
“So, I was hurt that you hadn’t told me. Stupid, I know! I was thinking that you held out on me, and it hurt. I wasn’t thinking straight. I mean, why should you tell me when you didn’t tell anyone else? You probably had good reason, but all I could think of was that you hadn’t told me, and I was mad. I was hurt, and disappointed, and I don’t do disappointments very well. I took it all out in a very childish way. I guess I… I guess I didn’t really listen to all that you said, I only focused on the part where you'd held it a secret, and I blocked everything else out. I thought you for some reason didn’t think of me as a good friend as I consider you…”
Nick felt his heart fall. He hadn’t considered that. He hadn’t even for one minute thought about how Warrick would feel that they deliberately lied to him for a year.
“I can see that.” Nick could feel his eyes fill with moisture, but he didn’t care. Although the room was filled with grown men, they were all on the edge of crying now. “I’m very sorry. We wanted to tell you, we did! It just wasn’t the right time. There was so much at stake, our jobs… mostly Greg’s job, and I couldn't risk that for you. I couldn't. Not even you. I hope you can understand that.”
“I know,” Warrick was fast to reassure him, ”I have grown a lot smarter the last few hours.”
“Good”
“And all the things I said about Greg. I…” Warrick changed focus to the rather uncomfortable looking younger man in the couch, “I am sorry I haven’t seen who you are. I've been so blind: I hope that you one day can forgive me, and that we can learn to be friends as well some day. I don’t expect this to happen any day soon, but maybe with time”
The younger man only nodded. Crying now, and clearly not able to trust his voice.
”I just want you to know, both of you” Nick draw both of the men’s attention to him, “that Greg will always come first for me, but Warrick you're also important. ‘kay?”
“Thanks” Warrick was visibly more relaxed now. Greg on the other hand had started shaking, and Nick knew it was matter of minutes before all his barriers would fall.
While Nick pulled a crying Greg into his embrace, Warrick took this as his cue to leave the house, happy knowing that he hadn’t, by some miracle, ruined a valuable friendship. He didn’t deserve their forgiveness so easily, but he sure knew he wouldn’t risk it again.
Greg leaned into Nick’s embrace and let his tears flow.
’This is love’ he thought. ‘This is love, and Nick didn’t leave’
”Greg!” His name was said in a low tone that gave him comfort. He knew he didn’t need to figure it all out right now. There would be a day tomorrow; a day where he could say everything his mind was wrapped around, a day that would still be shared with Nick.
-FIN-
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