nickngreg | Living in fear. (Reply)

Title: Living in fear.
Spoiler: Viva Las Vegas, Playing with fire
Disclaimer: I don’t own them and make absolutely no money. I mean it – not even in my job!!!
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Rating – eh… how is this ratings again? NC-17?? I have no idea – but to be on the safe side…

A/N: I post it unbetaed... I have sent it to away for read through, but time is a factor here and I am soon leaving for Cyprus.... So I choose to post it unbetaed, and then go back and change the misstakes afterwards. Hope you all can live with that! Remember: English is not my native language, so don't let misstakes put you off!

There is one smut scene in this story. I never though I would come to the point where I actually dared to write that, but it was just very natural here. I even feel okay with posting it. I am anxious though to hear what you all think about it.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.
- Spanish proverb

“What do you mean he’s quit?”
Nicky shouted the words louder than intended. Gris shook his head just repeated the words, “Greg quit his job.”
“Just like that?”
“I am sure it is not ‘just like that’, but, yes”
“I don’t believe it.”
“You can see his letter of resignation if you want to.”
“No, I believe it, I just don’t believe it.”
The rest of the team was stunned sitting in the break room watching the loud conversation between the two men. They had all wondered why Greg hadn’t showed up for work today, and were more than surprised by the explanation Grissom was giving them. Greg was resigning from his job, effective immediately. Not that he could go immediately, but as he had said, what could Grissom do, fire him?

”So, where is he?” Nick asked Grissom, honestly expecting an answer, hoping that Grissom would know.
”I don’t know, home I guess.”

No, not at home, Nicky new that. Off course, the rest of the team did not know that home was the same house for the two of them, and Nicky knew that home had been painfully empty when he left for work this evening, and all day before that as well. Technically, home for Greg would be his own apartment, but he hadn’t slept there for more than 3 months, and he hadn’t slept there this day either, Nick had already checked. He had tried to call Greg numerous times, worried about where he was. It wasn’t like him just to disappear, and his only consolation all these hours had been the reassurance that he would at least meet him at work, see for his own eyes that he was okay, and ask him where he had been. But now his agony only grew to unreachable heights.

The first hour or two after he had expected Greg home, he told himself that Greg was probably out somewhere drowning his disappointment in a couple of beers. Nothing to worry about, he would be home soon. It was not like he had to report every step he takes, and Nick knew he had a rotten day and probably needed to get rid of some frustrations. When he hadn’t come home after four hours, Nick had called him on his cell. It was turned off. Okay, so he didn’t want to be disturbed, or didn’t want to talk about whatever bothered him, but after 6 hours, he was worried sick. He hadn’t been able to catch any sleep, he hadn’t even made an effort going to bed, because he knew he would just lay there listening to every noise hoping it would be Greg letting himself in. 3 hours before work he had finally taken the car out to look for him. He had driven to all of Greg’s favorite bars and his apartment, no sign of him anywhere. He battled his need to drive by every emergency room to see if there had been any accidents, but he knew someone would have told him if Greg had been in an accident. Deep down he knew Greg stayed away on purpose, he just didn’t know why.

When he came in to work this evening, the only news he received was that of Greg’s resignation. He had left, without even a word in goodbye. Part of him wondered if Greg only said goodbye to his job, or if he also walked away from their relationship. He had to force his nausea and concentrate on what he knew; Greg was not to be found, but he had not come home to collect any cloths or belongings either. Probably he was still in his life.

Tears burned behind his eyes. Anger and worry tightened his chest; he had to concentrate on breathing. Fuck, what is going on? It couldn’t be just the mistake Greg made yesterday. That wasn’t enough. Yes, sure, it was a stupid mistake. He had compromised a crime scene and failed his proficiency test, but he would bounce back. Everyone knew that. Greg is a bouncer, every time he fall he jumps up and continues. He never gives up. That is the sum of Greg; a bundle of energy that goes on until he reaches perfection, regardless of how many times he must try. Usually it doesn’t even take that many attempts. Yes, he does mistakes now and then, but he has a blessed ability to learn from his mistakes, and Nick has never seen him repeat any mistake twice. One thing he is sure of, Greg will never make this particular mistake ever again. And the way it looks now, Greg is making sure of that, because quitting now will mean he will never reach his goal of being a certified CSI, and he will never be in the field again.

“Let me try and find him, convince him to come back! Don’t do anything about his resignation yet, can you do that?”
Gris eyebrow arched. “Well, I am not really allowed to hold it back, but with yet another man less on the shift tonight, who can blame me for not doing the paperwork right away?”

Nick drove back home hoping Greg would have come home by now. No such luck though, the house was just as empty when he let him self in, and there was no sign of Greg. He tried his cell phone again and hope rose as he wasn’t directed to his voicemail this time but he actually got a ring tone. He waited three rings before he heard a broken voice.
”Hey.” God it felt good just hearing his voice.
“Greg…”
”Hey, Nicky. I, hu-um…”
“Where are you?”
”I’m, well, it doesn’t matter, ‘you at work?”
”No, I am home looking for you, what are you doing?”
”Not over the phone, please”
”Then you better come home soon, I am not going back to work before I know you are okay”
”Nick, I am sorry”
“Just come home, baby, please.” He was pleading now.
”I’ll be home in 15 minutes.”

A 17 minutes long eternity was broken by Greg’s key turning in the lock.
”Greg,” Nicks anger disappeared the moment he saw him, his arms wrapped around him even before he could think. He just wanted to hold him forever. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” His voice could hardly break though the silence, his body trembling in final resignation as he leaned into his lovers embrace. “I don’t know what to do.” The words were hardly louder than a breath.
“Hush baby, you’re home now.”
”I’m so sorry.”
“What happened, Greg?” Nick ran his fingers through Greg’s hair and tracing his hand over his face to make sure his lover was whole, in one piece and without any visible wounds.
”I screwed up.” Greg broke loose from the embrace and let himself fall down on the coach. He covered his face with his shaking hands, shielding himself from the room and his boyfriend.
”It is not that bad, you can do the proficiency test again. I know Gris gave you a second chance.”
”I can’t. Oh my God…” Greg ran up and hurried into the bathroom where Nick could hear him throw up. His hurling combined with desperate cry made Nick’s stomach turn, and his agony grew.

”Greg, please talk to me.” Nick slid to the floor while handing Greg an iced facemask. Greg prefers those when migraines hits and the brain feels like it is trapped in a steam container ready to blow.
“Thanks,” Greg said accepting the ice package.
“Migraines?”
“Just from crying,” Greg said in a flat voice, “haven’t been doing much else the last 12 hours. I am exhausted by crying, I can’t take it anymore, but my body won’t stop. It’s aching. My whole body is aching, and I can’t relax. I just can’t relax. Can’t breath….”
“Lie down, rest your head in my lap, and tell me what’s wrong. It can’t be that bad. Whatever it is, we’ll sort it out.” Nick pulled him closer and stroked his head as he lay down on the floor. His breast heaved in unsteady breathing, and his eyes still flooded over.
“I let you down.” The words was whispered to low, and camouflaged in cry so Nick could barely hear them, yet they had the strength to pierce his heart.
”Why? You have never let me down.”
“I quit my job.”
“So I heard.”
Greg sat up now, moving slowly to not make any big movements on the head, making the brain crash into the scull.
“I had to…”
”I believe you.” And he did. Greg was not one to give up without a reason, that’s why he was so worried now. One thing he knew, whatever had happened, it was big enough for Greg to feel leaving his job was the only option.
“Can we…. I need to get out of here.”
“Sure, let me help you up.”
Nick rose from the floor and lent his boyfriend his hands for to grab to drag himself up. He knew better than using force to drag him up and making Greg loose control of the speed and direction of the head movements.
“Bed,” Greg said pointing vaguely in the direction of the bedroom.
“Why don’t you tuck your self in while I make you some coffee? Then we’ll talk while you drink it, okay?”

Walking into the bedroom, Nick saw that Greg had changed into one of Nick’s old t-shirt, a soft, worn out one, something he normally does only when he needs to feel safe, or he had no clean cloths left, and the laundry was done yesterday. He had tucked himself way under the comforters and arranged all the pillows behind his back, leaving only one left for Nick.
”Feeling better?” Nick asked handing him his coffee. He sat down on the bed, legs crossed, facing Greg. This way he had free access to stroke Greg on the leg, giving him comfort while still giving him room. “I am afraid it is not Hawaiian blue, we’re out. Should have gone shopping today.”
“Thank you, it’s still coffee though, at least it will mask the taste of puke.”
Greg shifted and gripped his cup with both hand like he needed to warm his hands, even in the heat of the summer night.

“I’m not the one you fell in love with.” Greg took his first gulp of the second range coffee.
”You are still Greg.”
”I am not so sure I am.”
”Why?”
“I am a high achiever, I must be, have always been. I don’t know how to be anything else… And suddenly I am willing to settle for less, just to get away. I am willing to give up. I am failing...“
“Only one test, sweetheart.”
“I can’t go back.”
“Sure you can. You really are good enough Greg. I have worked with you, you are sharp. Everyone makes mistakes, you just did one yesterday but you do fine next time. I know you will. You are great in the field, you just need more training. You’ll be great.”
”Not the field, Nicky, the lab. I can’t go back to the lab. And that is where I am going to be stuck still...that is when I am not so lucky to be given the opportunity to tag along on some assignment with any of you. I can’t…. Go…. Back….. There….” His eyes now flooded over, “don’t make me go back there.”
“SSShhh, baby. What made all this surface? I thought you were okay with it?”
“I wasn’t,” Greg stared down in the black liquid moving in the white cup.” I am supposed to be the protagonist in my own life, right?”
“And you aren’t now?”
”No, fear is. Fear has been in total control of my life since the explosion.”
“Oh, baby!”
”No, it’s okay. Don’t cry, Kjære, Oh I made you cry…”
”I cry?” Nick hadn’t noticed, but dried his eyes for Greg. “I don’t cry anymore, sweetie.”
”I wanted to be good for you, but I can’t anymore….. not…. Not after…”
“The explosion,” Nick finished for him.

”Time….” Greg continued after an extended pause.
“What?”
”I can’t control the time anymore.”
Nick moved and sat down next to Greg, pulling him carefully into his embrace.
“What do you mean?”
“Before, I had a timeframe. I knew I only had to put up with the lab for so long. I knew that within a few more weeks, I would have passed my proficiency test, and be in the field, now I don’t know…. I know Gris gave me a second chance, I just can’t take it, I can’t count down anymore.”
“Count down?”
”Do you know how many times I check the hotplate during an eight hour shift?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Probably 16 times, at least; that adds up to about 80 – 100 times a week, between 4000 – 4500 times a year. I can’t do it anymore. I could as long as I had a timeframe. I knew that I would be out of the lab within a certain date, and now that date has been postponed until further notice, and I can’t go back not knowing how long I have to endure in the lab. I need to know that it will end one day. I don’t mind failing my test. Well I don’t mind that much anyway, that was a mistake, but I mind going back. And there is no way for me not to go back unless I quit. I just can’t!”
”You never said anything.” Nick reached out for him, not knowing whether to cry for not seeing how hurt Greg had been, or being angry for him not saying a word.
“I thought that I didn’t have to. I thought it would pass.”
“I thought it did pass. Your hands stopped shaking.”
“For now they did”
“Have they started again?”
”No, I don’t know. I don’t think so. Right now my entire body is shaking, so it's hard to tell really…” He let out a tiny laugh that only emphasized the horror felt in his expression. “I….I am so sorry, kjære.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about baby.” Nick decided that to be angry would be the wrong decision.
”I have let you down.” Greg said into a sob.
”Stop saying that…I still don’t see why you think you have let me down.” Nick stroke him on his head and down his back. He could feel the body was still tense, but more relaxed than an hour ago. Greg twisted out if the embrace, not ready to be touched yet.

“I wanted to be the best, for you.” He whispered, almost to him self. “I was a successful DNA tech, brilliant really.”
“Yes you were.”
“I could give performances, couldn’t I?”
“All the time, sweetheart.”
“But now… I took a huge pay cut to be a CSI trainee, all because I wanted out of the lab, more that then me actually wanting into the field. I ran. Don’t misunderstand, I love being in the field, except for when I freeze, or puke, or screw up, but I love the importance of the work. And I love working with you! But being at the bottom again feels strange. Not knowing feel strange. But I can take that, anytime to get out of the lab.”
“Honey…”
“Nicky, please…”
“Okay, go on.”
“I wanted you to be proud of me. I knew you could be proud of the tech I was, but as a CSI… Hon, I work with the best CSI’s there is, you included, I would never measure up!”
“Don’t let your self down!”
“No, seriously Nicky, I won’t be as good a CSI as I was a tech. I don’t say I couldn’t be a good CSI, I could probably be, if I didn’t screw up that is, but I would never be great.”
”Baby.”
“No, it’s okay. I… I can live with not being brilliant at work anymore, because there is something more important in my life; You.”
”Thank you.”
”Mostly welcome. Anyway…. What I really can’t take anymore is that I being a trainee lessen our relationship.”
”It does not!”
”Yes it does! We keep it a secret Nicky! I know you hate it! Don’t even try to tell me differently.”
“I won’t, but that is not important. Yes, I would like our friends to know, but not on the expense of your job!”
”I know. And I have been thinking the same thing, but now…. Not knowing when I will be a CSI, not knowing how long it takes… Being in the lab even longer, keeping us a secret even longer… the price it too high Nick, I can’t live with it anymore. I can’t let fear control all aspects of my life anymore.”

I thought I had lost you!” Nick said as silence had lingered too long in the air.
”What?”
”When you didn’t come home,” Nick turned to look him in the eyes, “for a few moments there I thought you had walked out of us as well as your job.”
”Are you crazy? I would never do that!”
”I never thought you would quit your job either.”
”That is nothing, nothing, compared to us, kjære. Oh, now I am really sorry! I never meant for you to be afraid of that!”
”I know. But you didn’t come home. You didn’t call. I didn’t know what to believe.”
“I, I needed time to figure things out for my self. I didn’t know. I was only scared.”
”Where were you?”
”At the mall.”
”The mall?”
”Yeah… of all places. Just people watching.”
“All that time?”
”Yes, I had no idea though that it had been so long. I just needed to feel normal. See normal people with normal habits, doing normal people stuff. My body was flooding over with hyperactive feelings, and I needed to calm down.”
”Did it help?”
”Not really…,” a misplaced, high pitched, giggle fell out transforming into a swallowed sob, “I ended up sitting in a corner crying, tense as a stretched rubber ready to snap, and I realized life would never be innocent again. I will probably never stop being a little afraid. I guess I have to learn how to live with it, I have just no freaking idea how, and that scares me even more. God I am a hopeless case, aren’t I? I am only a fraction of what I was supposed to be. What you deserves.”
“Just being with you is more than I deserve.”

”You haven’t been happy in a long time, have you?” Nick could feel the guilt burning in his stomach.
“ I don’t know. I have been kind of numb I think. I could shut the feelings out, but somehow, they all came back today. I am afraid I had kind of an overload.” He laughed now, cringing the next moment in pain. Nick could see his body was less tense, the panic seemed to have let go of his body, leaving him only pale and with a pounding migraine.
“Do you need your migraine medication?”
”Yeah, I think I can take them now,” he had waited, well knowing that they would have no effect as long as he was nauseous and threw up, “would you mind getting them for me?”
”Sure.”

“Here you go,” Nick gave him a tablet of Relpax and a glass of water.
“Thank you.”
Nick crawled back into the bed, this time relieving him self of some cloths before climbing in.
“Are you going to sleep?” Greg looked at him a bit puzzled.
”Maybe.” Nick eased himself back in position as close as he could to Greg without touching him. He knew his nervous system was working overtime right now, and every touch would feel like a bruising. “I thought we just may lie here for a while, we both have been awake for quite a long time, and you are soon going to be totally gone by those medications.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”
”I should have been for a couple of hours already, but Gris gave me the day off.”
“Oh…”
”And I think we both should go in tomorrow. Talk to Gris before you make up your mind, okay? Maybe you can find some solution.”
”I don’t know. I mean it Nick. I won’t go back.”
”I know.”
”So what is the point?”
”Try. Please. Talk with him. Maybe he has some ideas, he is a smart man. And believe it or not, he actually do know how to handle people…. sometimes.”
”I know.”

They lay still next to each other listening to each other breathing for about half an hour.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Nick broke the silence.
”I thought if I didn’t say anything, it wouldn’t be true.” Greg turned towards him, moving closer.
”You are smarter than that.”
”I could pretend.”
”I am sorry Greg.”
”What for?” Gregg looked at him in surprise.
”I am the one who has let you down.”
”No, you have nothing to do with this!” He lifted his head up, in one fast move and with no sign of pain.
”I should have seen it!”
”I tried to hide it, for the both of us.”
”Still, I should have seen it! You are supposed to be the most important person in my life, and I totally missed the signs on how depressed you were.”

“I missed the signs too”
Nick kissed him on the forehead now that he could touch again.
”How could you miss it?”
”I didn’t realize I didn’t feel until the switch was suddenly turned on again. It’s like you don’t see how dark it has become before you turn on the light.”

Greg removed the comforters revealing a slender body.
”Leaving?” Nick looked at him in surprise.
”Going to the bathroom.” A good sign indeed; the body releaving all the stored up water is a sign of medication kicking in and that the migraine is over for real.
“Hurry back.”
”Yes dear!” He turned and threw a kiss at the left behind boyfriend, projecting an image of a happier Greg.

"Nick?”
”Hm?” Nick leaned into the gentle kiss.
”Thank you for being here.”
”Always, baby.”
“I mean it. Life can never be really bad with you in it. I mean, I can freaking panic and forget it sometimes, but now remembering, I know that I have something good in life.”
”Thank you.”
“Well, it may be just the medications speaking. You know how much my mood always alter when the migraines let go, and now I am horny. I am in the mood for some lazy lovemaking where I am on the receiving side…”
“So you don’t really love me then, you are just horny?”
“Yes, Silly, I do! Love you lot’s, kjæresten min, only mine.” He leaned in for another kiss. “Make love to me Nicky.”
“I’d love to.”

Nick leaned over to kiss Greg slowly, tasting his lips and tongue. He kept it light. Firm but gentle. He could hear Greg moan as he deepened the kiss, and slowly he moved to almost cover Greg’s body with his own. He wanted to feel him, touch him, and make sure he was really there. He wanted to feel close and reassure him self with all his senses that Greg was still with him.

”To many cloths,” Greg mumbled while pulling on Nick’s shirt. Breaking the kiss, Nick removed his shirt before helping Greg get rid of his own. He traced his hands down his chest followed by his mouth. Salt skin exploded on his taste buds and sent electrodes to his hardening member.
“Up,” he could hear Greg command while using his hand to make Nick change direction, “I want to kiss you.” Following his lovers lead, he moved up his body again letting his lips collide with Greg’s, while he moved his hands under the waist band of Greg’s boxers and tugged them down.
Covering Greg’s penis with his hand, he moved his finger over the head, smearing precum down the hard, warm prove of Greg’s expectations.
“Ah, I…” Greg was starting babbling as he trusted into Nick’s hand.
”Easy,” Nick whispered as he moved down and tasted the salt precum, licked it off his cock before letting the member fill his mouth. Gently he pushed all the way down, caressed it with his tongue, sucking in the weight. He placed his hands on Greg’s hips pinning him to the mattress, while placing himself between his knees. Stroking Greg’s shaft with his lips he could feel the warm body under him twist in excitement. “Fuck me,” Greg moaned, “I want you to fuck me.”
”You sure?” Nick asked letting go of his penis, looking up and into his lovers eyes.
”I want.” Greg answered, pulling Nick up. “I want you to be close, I want to feel you cover my body. I want you inside me.”
Nick mapped Greg’s moist body with his hand, feeling every hard muscle contour under his palms. He licked his way up from the bellybutton to the collarbone. Leaning in for a taste of an earlobe, he feels his butt cheeks being caressed and he moans as he pressed his penis against Greg’s.
“I’ll take care of you, baby,” he sweet talk into Greg’s ear as he leans over to the night stand to collect the lube. Filling it up in his hand, he moved over to Greg’s side, ignoring the whining protest. “Sush,” he said, kissing his lover on the neck. “I’ll fill you soon, relax.”
Greg bent his head back as Nick placed his lubed fingers against his muscle ring and entering with one finger.
“Fill me,” Greg moaned, flushed and impatience, “now.”
”You are not ready,” Nick used one hand on his nipples, while adding another finger to the preparation. Hitting the prostate he sent shivers though Greg’s body making him even more eager.
“I want you now”. His voice broke with anticipation, begging his partner to move. Placing himself between Greg’s legs he knew he wouldn’t last long. With one hard thrust he filled Greg, crying out in excitement.
“Slow.” Nick told him self, or Greg, or both, but Greg would not listen. He pushed himself against Nick, forcing the rhythm, driving Nick to push even harder. The sight of Greg’s cum splashing onto his stomach takes Nick over the edge, and he empty himself in Greg with a last hard thrust. Out of breath he smear the cum out on Greg’s stomach before he lay down on the bed of sweat and semen.
“I love you” He whispered stoking Greg’s breast, slowly heaving in relaxed breath.
”Love you too,” Greg answered back, tracing his hand through Nick’s short hair.

”So, are you coming in with me tomorrow?” Nick asked as they slumbered in the aftershock of their love.
”Fuck, I quit my job.” Greg sighed in something that could be interpreted as regret or disbelief.
”Well, the paperwork hasn’t been done yet!”
“What?”
”Grissom agreed to hold it until I could try to convince you to come back!”
”He really did that?”
”He really did.”
”I’ll come in with you tomorrow, but I promise nothing! I might still walk, but at least it will be a little more thought through.”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Good,” Greg kissed him on the forehead looking at him with half closed eyes, “now shower!”
“Shower...”

A/N: It was supposed to be finished here
– but there is more to tell – I have to cover the conversation with Grissom, don’t I? And the fact that Greg think them living is secret is a too high prize to pay should also be dealt with.... Don't you think?
I am a terrible slow writer – but I’ll see if I have another chapter finished when I have had my 2 weeks on the beach in Cyprus…. Leaving tomorrow! (OMG – I have to use actual pen and paper – I am not sure I know how that works anymore!)