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nickngregTitle: Baby Steps 4: The Crucible
Crucible: A severe test, as of patience or belief; a trial.
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Spoilers: Grave Danger
Disclaimer: I do not own but I will return them only slightly used.
Special thank yous to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
godgaleshot and fred_bear for their patient and excellent beta.
A special thank you to dawn_rogue for the translations. Btw, she posted that she was willing to do Spanish translation for us.
Nick woke up at dawn and rolled over, searching for Greg's warmth, sighing when he couldn't find it. He opened his eyes and smiled ruefully when he realized he was in his childhood bed and Greg was down at the other end of the hall in the guest room. Nick realized if he wanted to see Greg he would have to get up so he headed for the shower. Half an hour later, he was washed, brushed and dressed. With his bed made, he stuck his head out his door and listened. Unable to hear any movement in the house he snuck down the hall to the guest room, smothering a laugh when a weird flashback of the cops and robbers games he used to play with his sisters flashed through his mind.
Carefully he turned the knob and eased the door open. It was dark and he could barely make out Greg lying in bed. He closed the door noiselessly behind him and shuffled toward the bed, feeling his foot catch in something. Nick bent over and picked up the damp boxers and T-shirt lying on the floor. Nick realized that Greg must have had one of his nightmares last night. When they were bad he would sweat through his clothes and get sick. Nick stepped into the bathroom and saw a washcloth on the sink and a can of Coke. He went back to the bed and looked down at Greg with concern.
Greg looked exhausted. Usually Nick was there for him in the night. He could almost imagine the feeling of Greg shivering in his arms, needing to be held. He gently smoothed the hair off Greg's forehead, thinking that Greg needed sleep more than comfort right now, hoping he would sleep late and wake refreshed.
Nick went down to the kitchen and looked around. He was surprised there was no breakfast, no coffee made and more importantly, no Mom. He wondered if he should make coffee and leaned against the sink, glancing out the window. Outside he saw his father standing by the small corral talking to Marcos, the foreman. They were both looking so intently at a young quarter horse, a chestnut, that they didn’t notice Nick had joined them until he spoke. "Hey, Dad. Marcos, ¿Cómo te va, compadre?”
Marcos laughed and said in reply, "Oxidándome, Nicky, ¿No tienes a nadie con quien hablar español en Las Vegas?*"
"Not like with you," smiled Nick.
Marcos said, "I've got to get back to the barn, Señor. It is good to see you, Nick."
Nick watched Marcos enter the barn before turning his attention to his father. "Good morning, sir." He said when he realized that he had his father’s complete attention.
Bill stepped closer and awkwardly put his arms around his son and clapped him on the back. "'Morning, son," he said, stepping back with a quick cough to hide his emotion.
"Well, uh, who do you have there?" Nick asked, indicating the horse.
"That's Sonic. Just got him. He's a four year old, untrained, but he’s showing lots of promise. In fact, I've been considering taking him to the rodeo. I think he has too much potential to be just another ranch horse. He’s feisty and a quick learner."
"He's a beauty," Nick agreed, holding his hand out so the horse could inspect it.
Bill handed Nick a carrot and Nick climbed the rail fence, dropping softly in the dust about four feet away from the nervous chestnut. "Here, Sonic, come to me, boy," he said softly.
The horse tossed his head and whickered. Approaching Nick cautiously, the horse stretched his neck, nostrils flaring, as he searched for the carrot.
As the horse lipped the carrot in, Nick held the bridle and patted Sonic's glossy flank. Sonic turned his head and nuzzled Nick's neck.
"You've still got a way with horses, son," Bill grinned at him. "No one else has been able to get in the corral with him without roping him first. While you're here, what do you say to a little training? I'd really appreciate it, you've got the gift."
"Thanks, Dad," Nick was gratified. "I'd like to give him a try, maybe after breakfast. Where's Mom?"
"She's sleeping in today," Bill put his arm through Nick's and they walked back to the house. "But I could rustle up some grub if you're hungry. I can still make a mean stack of pancakes," Bill said with a hopeful laugh.
"I'll make the coffee," Nick grinned.
Jillian greeted them as they entered the kitchen. She already had the coffee going. "I'm making scrambled eggs and toast, Nicky, is that okay with you?" She kissed her husband good morning and they hugged. Nick was surprised to see that, he couldn't recall seeing such an open expression of affection between his parents before.
"I'll go wash up," Bill said leaving them in the kitchen alone.
Jillian turned to Nick and said, "How are you, Nicky?”
"I'm fine, Mom, doing just fine."
"I really wish I could believe that you were fine. Would you tell me if you weren’t?” Jillian asked softly as she touched his cheek gently.
Nick turned his face slightly into her caress, briefly letting his eyes close. "I'll be fine, Mom. Don't worry."
"Greg is a very good friend, that should help you," she smiled at him so understandingly that for a moment he thought she knew the truth.
Nick looked at her for a second before looking down and blushing.
"How's breakfast coming?" Bill asked as he returned.
"Just waiting for you, dear," Jillian smiled and turned back to her cooking.
~*~
Nick swung a leg up over Sonic and shortened the reins as the nervous chestnut sidled and danced a bit. He leaned forward and patted the horse's neck reassuringly, making little crooning sounds. The horse started to calm and Nick walked him slowly around the ring, little puffs of dust swirling about the horse's hooves. Nick was completely focused on the horse, so when he heard Greg's voice he looked up in surprise.
"Wow, you never told me you could ride," Greg said softly, looking at him with eyes wide with admiration.
"Well, I did grow up on a ranch," Nick returned, feeling a little embarrassed. "My brother and all my sisters can ride. It's just what you do out here."
"I'm still really, really impressed," Greg said. "What are you doing?"
"My dad just got this horse. He's a four-year-old gelding and he’s untrained. Dad's thinking of putting him in the show." Nick said. "Dad asked me to try him out and he's nervous so I'm going really slow. How did you know to talk quietly when you came out?"
"Your mom, she told me not to spook the horse or you'd go flying," grinned Greg.
"As if," Nick snorted as he dismounted. "Did you get breakfast?"
"Oh yeah, your mom is full service, all the way."
"So do you want to go for a ride with me?" Nick asked.
"I always want to ride with you,” Greg said with a sly smile. “But seriously, you would let me get on a horse?" Greg gasped with excitement, like a little kid, his face shining.
"Not this one." Nick laughed at both Greg’s excitement and his cheek. "But I think we can find a nice quiet one for little trail ride. Let's go see what Marcos can find for you."
They walked to the barn, shoulders touching every now and then, Nick leading Sonic with loose reins. Nick longed to just take Greg in his arms and kiss him, but had to admit that he was getting a little charge out of angling to touch Greg's shoulder with his own as they walked.
"Hey, Marcos," Nick called. "We want to go for a ride and I want to put my friend here on a gentle one. It's his first time." He grinned when he saw Marcos step out of a stall. "Marcos, this is Greg, he’s a friend from work. Greg, this is Marcos, my oldest friend in the world. He taught me how to ride."
"Pleased to meet you, Señor Greg." Marcos shook Greg's hand. "I've heard of you from Señora Jill." He peered closely at Greg, smiling. Nick got that weird feeling again. It felt like everyone was in on some secret that he wasn’t being included in especially when he saw Greg beaming back at Marcos. He shook his head; maybe it was just that patented Sanders Charm.
"Well, what do you have for my friend?" Nick asked, looping Sonic's reins on the fence.
"Padre, I think," replied Marcos, "Just let me just get him saddled up."
Greg asked, "Should we help him?"
"Oh no," said Nick, "He would be insulted. Like you, he likes to make a presentation."
Marcos came back leading a beautiful Appaloosa that was black with a white blanket and black spots, "This is Padre, Greg, I think you'll enjoy riding him." The Appaloosa stretched his neck curiously and snuffled Greg's hair. Greg laughed and ducked. Nick said, "I'll get you some sugar for him while Marcos saddles him."
Marcos said to Greg, "Padre is older and well trained. He is a calm horse so he is ideal for a first-time rider. When you are up in the saddle, don't be nervous. Don't hold the reins between your fingers or wrap them around your hand and the pommel. Listen to Nick, he'll tell you what to do out on the trail," Marcos instructed Greg.
Nick reappeared holding several lumps of sugar and an old pair of boots. "Here, put these on," he ordered.
"What's wrong with sneakers?" Greg asked, curious.
"The heel on the boot is there to prevent your foot from slipping through the stirrup," Nick replied. "Then if you fall, you won't get dragged behind the horse because your foot got stuck."
Greg pulled off his sneakers and put the boots on. "Ouch, they're tight."
"Well, you're not walking anywhere and you don't want a loose boot when you're riding, so it'll be okay, trust me," Nick smiled into his lover's eyes. "Put all the sugar in your pocket, except for one lump. Hold your hand out flat and don't curl your fingers. Let him lip it off your hand."
Greg approached Padre, who turned mild eyes toward him, and offered the sugar, which Padre promptly started crunching. "Oooh, that tickles," he breathed as he felt the velvet muzzle on his palm.
"Okay, you want a leg up?" Nick asked.
"I don't even know what that means," answered Greg. Nick decided perplexed was a cute look for Greg.
"Here, I'll show you how to get on and if you don't think you can do it, we can boost you." Nick swung lightly up on Sonic, who decided now was a good time to rear and buck a little. Nick easily stuck in the saddle, rolling his hips with the motion while making little soothing sounds.
Greg looked a little alarmed, "Is that rearing thing part of the process?"
"Nope, Padre never does that," Nick laughed. "Mount from the left, both reins in your left hand. Put your left foot in the stirrup, both hands on the saddle, then just pull yourself up and swing your right foot over to the other side."
Greg followed directions, balancing in the saddle easily. He tightened the reins and immediately the horse started backing up.
"Give him some slack in the reins," Nick instructed. Greg did so and Padre immediately came to a standstill. "Okay, let Marcos adjust the stirrups and we'll get going."
They walked their horses past the corral toward a pasture. Greg asked, "Are we going to run?"
"Not your first time out, babe. We're just going for a short walk down to the creek."
Nick went first on Sonic, while Greg followed on Padre who really did seem to be a very even-tempered and tolerant horse. They reached a stand of cottonwoods and the sudden change from bright sunlight to the flickering dancing shadows under the trees caused Nick to blink his eyes. They rode in silence, listening to the faint sighing of the breeze, a bird singing, the soft chuff of the horse's hooves all mixed in with the creak of the saddles. There was no place in Vegas where you could hear this particular brand of quiet, Nick thought. In the distance he could hear the small creek chuckling to itself as it rushed over the rocks.
"Here we are," Nick said as they broke out of the trees and into a small glade. The creek was running pretty high in December and it sparkled and glinted in the sunlight. Nick dismounted and tied his horse so he could graze under the trees. "Let me help you down," as he reached up to assist Greg.
"I think I can get down okay," Greg said, but he allowed Nick to steady his hips as he came down. Uncertainly he handed the reins to Nick and watched while he tethered the Appaloosa to a nearby tree.
Nick took Greg's hand as they walked down to the edge of the creek. Nick sat on a large sun-warm rock overhanging the creek, dangling his feet over the water. He pulled Greg down with him and put his arm around him, sighing happily. It had been less than a day that he hadn't been able to touch Greg and this felt so satisfying. He pulled Greg's head down to his shoulder and wrapped both arms around him.
"You had a nightmare last night." Nick said.
"Yeah, it wasn’t that bad," Greg answered.
"I came in your room this morning while you were sleeping and I saw your clothes and the Coke. You should have come and gotten me."
"I was okay," Greg said softly. "I had company," he paused. "Your mother must have heard me and she came in."
"My… mother? What did she say?" Nick was startled.
"She got me a blanket and a Coke and put a washcloth on my neck, just like you do. That must be where you get it. And after, she made me coffee," Greg laughed softly, "My coffee. You brought my coffee."
"Well, I figured if the famous Sanders Charm didn't work we could always bribe them with your coffee," Nick chuckled. Then he asked a little uneasily, "What did you talk about?"
"Well, that's kind of between me and her," Greg said, "But I have to tell you, your mother is just great. I think she'd be okay with anything you wanted to tell her. Anything."
"I'll keep that in mind," Nick mused. "But right now I've got you here and I need a kiss."
"Only one?" Greg teased, but then he was kissing Nick back, clutching him as tight as he could, as he felt the sun warm on his back.
~*~
Nick waited for Greg at the bottom of the stairs. He'd showered and changed in fifteen minutes, but as Greg had often assured him, tonsorial perfection took time and was worth waiting for. So he sat on the bottom stair and thought about what he wanted to say to his parents. He wanted to thank them for their instant response to the ransom demand and for coming to Las Vegas so fast, but he felt uneasy. He couldn’t shake it, he had the feeling something momentous had happened or was about to.
He turned around when he heard Greg stop at the head of the stairs.
"Are these your sisters? And is that your brother?" he asked pointing at the photo gallery that covered the entire wall of the staircase.
"Yes, we each have our own section, see? That's my brother Bill, he's the oldest of all of us. You can see pictures of him from a baby through school and then college graduation. I'll take you in the family room later. Everyone's family has a section there, husbands, wives and kids." Nick was shocked to hear himself end on a slightly bitter note.
"So this is…?"
Nick came up the stairs and pointed at each sister, naming them and telling stories about them. Almost at the bottom, they paused in front of a beautiful girl with the same dark eyes and hair, and a very feminine version of Nick's square jaw. "Wow, she's gorgeous. So this must be Zo’e?" Greg asked. "And she's not married?"
"No, she never had many boyfriends, I don't know why, she's so beautiful and smart," Nick said, and then he suddenly started laughing, "My favorite sister. We were always close and I can't believe I only just figured it out."
Greg grinned back at him, "She's a lesbian?"
Nick smacked his head, "How did I never see that before? I can't believe it. She lives with a 'roommate'."
"Well, you're not obvious either. I can't believe I wasted three years wondering about you!"
"Oh brother," Nick laughed. "I'm gonna have to call her tonight. I am going to give her so much shit."
"And this is little Nicky," Greg moved down a stair. He leaned closer examining a photo of an adorable baby Nick, staring with big round eyes and his hair swept up in a comical little spike at the top of his head. "Look you used to wear the same hairstyle as me," Greg joked, "But then you went horribly wrong."
"That hair was NOT my choice," Nick snorted. "Why I couldn't just have a buzz cut?"
Greg's eyes traveled slowly over each photo and he sucked in his breath sharply.
"What?" asked Nick.
"That's when it happened, isn't it?" Greg asked in a somber voice.
Nick froze. "How – how do you – how can you tell?"
"Your eyes," Greg's voice quivered as he choked down a sob, "The light in them is gone. You look so scared, so sad, so helpless."
"Shut up, shut up!" Nick shouted, "I hate that word."
"Nicky, it wasn't your fault. You were a kid, you didn't do anything wrong," Greg's hands curled and uncurled at his sides, longing to reach out to Nick.
"I can't talk about this now!" Nick took off down the stairs and banged out the screen door.
Greg let him go, looking after him sadly. Then he turned back to the photograph staring till he could no longer see Nicky's frightened eyes through the blur of his tears.
~*~
After a tense, quiet dinner, Greg yawned for the sixth time and said, "I'm really sorry but I'm beat. I'm going to have to call it a night. Thank you for the dinner, Mrs. St– Jillian."
"You're welcome, dear. I hope you sleep better tonight." Jillian smiled at him kindly.
After Greg was gone, Nick stared into the fire, clenching his fists till his knuckles were white.
Bill started, "Son, we want you to know that you can come to us with anything, anything at all. If you need to talk about the kidnapping, what you went through during your captivity, anything… We want to help you. It was a traumatic exp–"
"I don't want to talk about that now," Nick said in a flat voice.
"Honey?" Jilllian asked as she got up to go to him, but he put up both hands to ward her off.
"I need – I need to talk about something else." Nick stuttered. "When I was nine, I was molested."
Bill sank his head in both hands. Jillian gasped in horror and Nick looked at both of them in the shocked silence.
"She was the babysitter. Margery. I never saw her before, and I never saw her again. You left me with her and she– she–"
"Tell us Nicky," Bill said bleakly. "You couldn't tell us then, but you need to tell us now. We need to know what happened to you."
Nick heard the raw pain in his father's voice. He continued in that flat voice, completely without affect. "She came in my room, in the dark. She said I was too big for stories. She said she would show me a new game. Then she got in bed with me and put her arms around me. I liked it. She smelled nice. She started stroking my hair and told me I was a good-looking boy. Then she put her hands inside my pajamas. I didn't like it any more. I told her to stop but she said I would like it, all the boys liked it and she wouldn't stop. I tried to push her away but she was bigger than me. I didn't think a girl would be stronger than me. I didn't like her anymore. She breathed on me and then she left. I stayed awake all night because I wanted to be ready to run away if she came back. I didn't like her."
Jillian stared at Nick and all she could hear was his nine-year-old voice. She heard that same flat voice that she heard the next morning and after until he left for college. "My God," she moaned."I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She ended on a sob.
Bill bowed his head even lower, pushing his knuckles hard into his temples.
Nick stared at them impassively.
Huddled on the stairs in the dark, Greg hugged his arms around his knees, crying silently. Poor Nick, being buried in a box as an adult after being buried in shame as a child. No wonder Nick was trying to shake off his experience in the box like it was nothing, he was used to carrying a huge burden. No wonder Nick hated those words: helpless, humiliate, powerless.
"Why didn't you save me?" Nick cried out suddenly in a tortured, anguished scream.
Greg flew down the stairs and saw Nick sobbing on his knees, Bill and Jillian both crying with their arms around Nick, rocking him. Jillian looked up at him through her streaming tears. "Come here, Greg. Nicky needs you too," she commanded. Greg pulled Nick into his arms and held him close, joining with his parents. Bill and Jillian listened as Greg stroked Nick's back, humming softly to him. The three people who loved Nick the most in the world held him till he cried out the anger and fear and helplessness that had ruled him for thirty-one years, till he was exhausted and tearless, and the sun was rising again, sending pale yellow tendrils reaching into the room, trying to warm them.
Tbc
*"Marcos, how's it going, man?"
"Getting rusty, Nicky. Got no one to speak Spanish with over in Vegas?"
Chapter 1 here
Chapter 2 here
Chapter 3 here
Crucible: A severe test, as of patience or belief; a trial.
Pairing: Nick/Greg
Spoilers: Grave Danger
Disclaimer: I do not own but I will return them only slightly used.
Special thank yous to
godgaleshot and fred_bear for their patient and excellent beta.A special thank you to dawn_rogue for the translations. Btw, she posted that she was willing to do Spanish translation for us.
Nick woke up at dawn and rolled over, searching for Greg's warmth, sighing when he couldn't find it. He opened his eyes and smiled ruefully when he realized he was in his childhood bed and Greg was down at the other end of the hall in the guest room. Nick realized if he wanted to see Greg he would have to get up so he headed for the shower. Half an hour later, he was washed, brushed and dressed. With his bed made, he stuck his head out his door and listened. Unable to hear any movement in the house he snuck down the hall to the guest room, smothering a laugh when a weird flashback of the cops and robbers games he used to play with his sisters flashed through his mind.
Carefully he turned the knob and eased the door open. It was dark and he could barely make out Greg lying in bed. He closed the door noiselessly behind him and shuffled toward the bed, feeling his foot catch in something. Nick bent over and picked up the damp boxers and T-shirt lying on the floor. Nick realized that Greg must have had one of his nightmares last night. When they were bad he would sweat through his clothes and get sick. Nick stepped into the bathroom and saw a washcloth on the sink and a can of Coke. He went back to the bed and looked down at Greg with concern.
Greg looked exhausted. Usually Nick was there for him in the night. He could almost imagine the feeling of Greg shivering in his arms, needing to be held. He gently smoothed the hair off Greg's forehead, thinking that Greg needed sleep more than comfort right now, hoping he would sleep late and wake refreshed.
Nick went down to the kitchen and looked around. He was surprised there was no breakfast, no coffee made and more importantly, no Mom. He wondered if he should make coffee and leaned against the sink, glancing out the window. Outside he saw his father standing by the small corral talking to Marcos, the foreman. They were both looking so intently at a young quarter horse, a chestnut, that they didn’t notice Nick had joined them until he spoke. "Hey, Dad. Marcos, ¿Cómo te va, compadre?”
Marcos laughed and said in reply, "Oxidándome, Nicky, ¿No tienes a nadie con quien hablar español en Las Vegas?*"
"Not like with you," smiled Nick.
Marcos said, "I've got to get back to the barn, Señor. It is good to see you, Nick."
Nick watched Marcos enter the barn before turning his attention to his father. "Good morning, sir." He said when he realized that he had his father’s complete attention.
Bill stepped closer and awkwardly put his arms around his son and clapped him on the back. "'Morning, son," he said, stepping back with a quick cough to hide his emotion.
"Well, uh, who do you have there?" Nick asked, indicating the horse.
"That's Sonic. Just got him. He's a four year old, untrained, but he’s showing lots of promise. In fact, I've been considering taking him to the rodeo. I think he has too much potential to be just another ranch horse. He’s feisty and a quick learner."
"He's a beauty," Nick agreed, holding his hand out so the horse could inspect it.
Bill handed Nick a carrot and Nick climbed the rail fence, dropping softly in the dust about four feet away from the nervous chestnut. "Here, Sonic, come to me, boy," he said softly.
The horse tossed his head and whickered. Approaching Nick cautiously, the horse stretched his neck, nostrils flaring, as he searched for the carrot.
As the horse lipped the carrot in, Nick held the bridle and patted Sonic's glossy flank. Sonic turned his head and nuzzled Nick's neck.
"You've still got a way with horses, son," Bill grinned at him. "No one else has been able to get in the corral with him without roping him first. While you're here, what do you say to a little training? I'd really appreciate it, you've got the gift."
"Thanks, Dad," Nick was gratified. "I'd like to give him a try, maybe after breakfast. Where's Mom?"
"She's sleeping in today," Bill put his arm through Nick's and they walked back to the house. "But I could rustle up some grub if you're hungry. I can still make a mean stack of pancakes," Bill said with a hopeful laugh.
"I'll make the coffee," Nick grinned.
Jillian greeted them as they entered the kitchen. She already had the coffee going. "I'm making scrambled eggs and toast, Nicky, is that okay with you?" She kissed her husband good morning and they hugged. Nick was surprised to see that, he couldn't recall seeing such an open expression of affection between his parents before.
"I'll go wash up," Bill said leaving them in the kitchen alone.
Jillian turned to Nick and said, "How are you, Nicky?”
"I'm fine, Mom, doing just fine."
"I really wish I could believe that you were fine. Would you tell me if you weren’t?” Jillian asked softly as she touched his cheek gently.
Nick turned his face slightly into her caress, briefly letting his eyes close. "I'll be fine, Mom. Don't worry."
"Greg is a very good friend, that should help you," she smiled at him so understandingly that for a moment he thought she knew the truth.
Nick looked at her for a second before looking down and blushing.
"How's breakfast coming?" Bill asked as he returned.
"Just waiting for you, dear," Jillian smiled and turned back to her cooking.
~*~
Nick swung a leg up over Sonic and shortened the reins as the nervous chestnut sidled and danced a bit. He leaned forward and patted the horse's neck reassuringly, making little crooning sounds. The horse started to calm and Nick walked him slowly around the ring, little puffs of dust swirling about the horse's hooves. Nick was completely focused on the horse, so when he heard Greg's voice he looked up in surprise.
"Wow, you never told me you could ride," Greg said softly, looking at him with eyes wide with admiration.
"Well, I did grow up on a ranch," Nick returned, feeling a little embarrassed. "My brother and all my sisters can ride. It's just what you do out here."
"I'm still really, really impressed," Greg said. "What are you doing?"
"My dad just got this horse. He's a four-year-old gelding and he’s untrained. Dad's thinking of putting him in the show." Nick said. "Dad asked me to try him out and he's nervous so I'm going really slow. How did you know to talk quietly when you came out?"
"Your mom, she told me not to spook the horse or you'd go flying," grinned Greg.
"As if," Nick snorted as he dismounted. "Did you get breakfast?"
"Oh yeah, your mom is full service, all the way."
"So do you want to go for a ride with me?" Nick asked.
"I always want to ride with you,” Greg said with a sly smile. “But seriously, you would let me get on a horse?" Greg gasped with excitement, like a little kid, his face shining.
"Not this one." Nick laughed at both Greg’s excitement and his cheek. "But I think we can find a nice quiet one for little trail ride. Let's go see what Marcos can find for you."
They walked to the barn, shoulders touching every now and then, Nick leading Sonic with loose reins. Nick longed to just take Greg in his arms and kiss him, but had to admit that he was getting a little charge out of angling to touch Greg's shoulder with his own as they walked.
"Hey, Marcos," Nick called. "We want to go for a ride and I want to put my friend here on a gentle one. It's his first time." He grinned when he saw Marcos step out of a stall. "Marcos, this is Greg, he’s a friend from work. Greg, this is Marcos, my oldest friend in the world. He taught me how to ride."
"Pleased to meet you, Señor Greg." Marcos shook Greg's hand. "I've heard of you from Señora Jill." He peered closely at Greg, smiling. Nick got that weird feeling again. It felt like everyone was in on some secret that he wasn’t being included in especially when he saw Greg beaming back at Marcos. He shook his head; maybe it was just that patented Sanders Charm.
"Well, what do you have for my friend?" Nick asked, looping Sonic's reins on the fence.
"Padre, I think," replied Marcos, "Just let me just get him saddled up."
Greg asked, "Should we help him?"
"Oh no," said Nick, "He would be insulted. Like you, he likes to make a presentation."
Marcos came back leading a beautiful Appaloosa that was black with a white blanket and black spots, "This is Padre, Greg, I think you'll enjoy riding him." The Appaloosa stretched his neck curiously and snuffled Greg's hair. Greg laughed and ducked. Nick said, "I'll get you some sugar for him while Marcos saddles him."
Marcos said to Greg, "Padre is older and well trained. He is a calm horse so he is ideal for a first-time rider. When you are up in the saddle, don't be nervous. Don't hold the reins between your fingers or wrap them around your hand and the pommel. Listen to Nick, he'll tell you what to do out on the trail," Marcos instructed Greg.
Nick reappeared holding several lumps of sugar and an old pair of boots. "Here, put these on," he ordered.
"What's wrong with sneakers?" Greg asked, curious.
"The heel on the boot is there to prevent your foot from slipping through the stirrup," Nick replied. "Then if you fall, you won't get dragged behind the horse because your foot got stuck."
Greg pulled off his sneakers and put the boots on. "Ouch, they're tight."
"Well, you're not walking anywhere and you don't want a loose boot when you're riding, so it'll be okay, trust me," Nick smiled into his lover's eyes. "Put all the sugar in your pocket, except for one lump. Hold your hand out flat and don't curl your fingers. Let him lip it off your hand."
Greg approached Padre, who turned mild eyes toward him, and offered the sugar, which Padre promptly started crunching. "Oooh, that tickles," he breathed as he felt the velvet muzzle on his palm.
"Okay, you want a leg up?" Nick asked.
"I don't even know what that means," answered Greg. Nick decided perplexed was a cute look for Greg.
"Here, I'll show you how to get on and if you don't think you can do it, we can boost you." Nick swung lightly up on Sonic, who decided now was a good time to rear and buck a little. Nick easily stuck in the saddle, rolling his hips with the motion while making little soothing sounds.
Greg looked a little alarmed, "Is that rearing thing part of the process?"
"Nope, Padre never does that," Nick laughed. "Mount from the left, both reins in your left hand. Put your left foot in the stirrup, both hands on the saddle, then just pull yourself up and swing your right foot over to the other side."
Greg followed directions, balancing in the saddle easily. He tightened the reins and immediately the horse started backing up.
"Give him some slack in the reins," Nick instructed. Greg did so and Padre immediately came to a standstill. "Okay, let Marcos adjust the stirrups and we'll get going."
They walked their horses past the corral toward a pasture. Greg asked, "Are we going to run?"
"Not your first time out, babe. We're just going for a short walk down to the creek."
Nick went first on Sonic, while Greg followed on Padre who really did seem to be a very even-tempered and tolerant horse. They reached a stand of cottonwoods and the sudden change from bright sunlight to the flickering dancing shadows under the trees caused Nick to blink his eyes. They rode in silence, listening to the faint sighing of the breeze, a bird singing, the soft chuff of the horse's hooves all mixed in with the creak of the saddles. There was no place in Vegas where you could hear this particular brand of quiet, Nick thought. In the distance he could hear the small creek chuckling to itself as it rushed over the rocks.
"Here we are," Nick said as they broke out of the trees and into a small glade. The creek was running pretty high in December and it sparkled and glinted in the sunlight. Nick dismounted and tied his horse so he could graze under the trees. "Let me help you down," as he reached up to assist Greg.
"I think I can get down okay," Greg said, but he allowed Nick to steady his hips as he came down. Uncertainly he handed the reins to Nick and watched while he tethered the Appaloosa to a nearby tree.
Nick took Greg's hand as they walked down to the edge of the creek. Nick sat on a large sun-warm rock overhanging the creek, dangling his feet over the water. He pulled Greg down with him and put his arm around him, sighing happily. It had been less than a day that he hadn't been able to touch Greg and this felt so satisfying. He pulled Greg's head down to his shoulder and wrapped both arms around him.
"You had a nightmare last night." Nick said.
"Yeah, it wasn’t that bad," Greg answered.
"I came in your room this morning while you were sleeping and I saw your clothes and the Coke. You should have come and gotten me."
"I was okay," Greg said softly. "I had company," he paused. "Your mother must have heard me and she came in."
"My… mother? What did she say?" Nick was startled.
"She got me a blanket and a Coke and put a washcloth on my neck, just like you do. That must be where you get it. And after, she made me coffee," Greg laughed softly, "My coffee. You brought my coffee."
"Well, I figured if the famous Sanders Charm didn't work we could always bribe them with your coffee," Nick chuckled. Then he asked a little uneasily, "What did you talk about?"
"Well, that's kind of between me and her," Greg said, "But I have to tell you, your mother is just great. I think she'd be okay with anything you wanted to tell her. Anything."
"I'll keep that in mind," Nick mused. "But right now I've got you here and I need a kiss."
"Only one?" Greg teased, but then he was kissing Nick back, clutching him as tight as he could, as he felt the sun warm on his back.
~*~
Nick waited for Greg at the bottom of the stairs. He'd showered and changed in fifteen minutes, but as Greg had often assured him, tonsorial perfection took time and was worth waiting for. So he sat on the bottom stair and thought about what he wanted to say to his parents. He wanted to thank them for their instant response to the ransom demand and for coming to Las Vegas so fast, but he felt uneasy. He couldn’t shake it, he had the feeling something momentous had happened or was about to.
He turned around when he heard Greg stop at the head of the stairs.
"Are these your sisters? And is that your brother?" he asked pointing at the photo gallery that covered the entire wall of the staircase.
"Yes, we each have our own section, see? That's my brother Bill, he's the oldest of all of us. You can see pictures of him from a baby through school and then college graduation. I'll take you in the family room later. Everyone's family has a section there, husbands, wives and kids." Nick was shocked to hear himself end on a slightly bitter note.
"So this is…?"
Nick came up the stairs and pointed at each sister, naming them and telling stories about them. Almost at the bottom, they paused in front of a beautiful girl with the same dark eyes and hair, and a very feminine version of Nick's square jaw. "Wow, she's gorgeous. So this must be Zo’e?" Greg asked. "And she's not married?"
"No, she never had many boyfriends, I don't know why, she's so beautiful and smart," Nick said, and then he suddenly started laughing, "My favorite sister. We were always close and I can't believe I only just figured it out."
Greg grinned back at him, "She's a lesbian?"
Nick smacked his head, "How did I never see that before? I can't believe it. She lives with a 'roommate'."
"Well, you're not obvious either. I can't believe I wasted three years wondering about you!"
"Oh brother," Nick laughed. "I'm gonna have to call her tonight. I am going to give her so much shit."
"And this is little Nicky," Greg moved down a stair. He leaned closer examining a photo of an adorable baby Nick, staring with big round eyes and his hair swept up in a comical little spike at the top of his head. "Look you used to wear the same hairstyle as me," Greg joked, "But then you went horribly wrong."
"That hair was NOT my choice," Nick snorted. "Why I couldn't just have a buzz cut?"
Greg's eyes traveled slowly over each photo and he sucked in his breath sharply.
"What?" asked Nick.
"That's when it happened, isn't it?" Greg asked in a somber voice.
Nick froze. "How – how do you – how can you tell?"
"Your eyes," Greg's voice quivered as he choked down a sob, "The light in them is gone. You look so scared, so sad, so helpless."
"Shut up, shut up!" Nick shouted, "I hate that word."
"Nicky, it wasn't your fault. You were a kid, you didn't do anything wrong," Greg's hands curled and uncurled at his sides, longing to reach out to Nick.
"I can't talk about this now!" Nick took off down the stairs and banged out the screen door.
Greg let him go, looking after him sadly. Then he turned back to the photograph staring till he could no longer see Nicky's frightened eyes through the blur of his tears.
~*~
After a tense, quiet dinner, Greg yawned for the sixth time and said, "I'm really sorry but I'm beat. I'm going to have to call it a night. Thank you for the dinner, Mrs. St– Jillian."
"You're welcome, dear. I hope you sleep better tonight." Jillian smiled at him kindly.
After Greg was gone, Nick stared into the fire, clenching his fists till his knuckles were white.
Bill started, "Son, we want you to know that you can come to us with anything, anything at all. If you need to talk about the kidnapping, what you went through during your captivity, anything… We want to help you. It was a traumatic exp–"
"I don't want to talk about that now," Nick said in a flat voice.
"Honey?" Jilllian asked as she got up to go to him, but he put up both hands to ward her off.
"I need – I need to talk about something else." Nick stuttered. "When I was nine, I was molested."
Bill sank his head in both hands. Jillian gasped in horror and Nick looked at both of them in the shocked silence.
"She was the babysitter. Margery. I never saw her before, and I never saw her again. You left me with her and she– she–"
"Tell us Nicky," Bill said bleakly. "You couldn't tell us then, but you need to tell us now. We need to know what happened to you."
Nick heard the raw pain in his father's voice. He continued in that flat voice, completely without affect. "She came in my room, in the dark. She said I was too big for stories. She said she would show me a new game. Then she got in bed with me and put her arms around me. I liked it. She smelled nice. She started stroking my hair and told me I was a good-looking boy. Then she put her hands inside my pajamas. I didn't like it any more. I told her to stop but she said I would like it, all the boys liked it and she wouldn't stop. I tried to push her away but she was bigger than me. I didn't think a girl would be stronger than me. I didn't like her anymore. She breathed on me and then she left. I stayed awake all night because I wanted to be ready to run away if she came back. I didn't like her."
Jillian stared at Nick and all she could hear was his nine-year-old voice. She heard that same flat voice that she heard the next morning and after until he left for college. "My God," she moaned."I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She ended on a sob.
Bill bowed his head even lower, pushing his knuckles hard into his temples.
Nick stared at them impassively.
Huddled on the stairs in the dark, Greg hugged his arms around his knees, crying silently. Poor Nick, being buried in a box as an adult after being buried in shame as a child. No wonder Nick was trying to shake off his experience in the box like it was nothing, he was used to carrying a huge burden. No wonder Nick hated those words: helpless, humiliate, powerless.
"Why didn't you save me?" Nick cried out suddenly in a tortured, anguished scream.
Greg flew down the stairs and saw Nick sobbing on his knees, Bill and Jillian both crying with their arms around Nick, rocking him. Jillian looked up at him through her streaming tears. "Come here, Greg. Nicky needs you too," she commanded. Greg pulled Nick into his arms and held him close, joining with his parents. Bill and Jillian listened as Greg stroked Nick's back, humming softly to him. The three people who loved Nick the most in the world held him till he cried out the anger and fear and helplessness that had ruled him for thirty-one years, till he was exhausted and tearless, and the sun was rising again, sending pale yellow tendrils reaching into the room, trying to warm them.
Tbc
*"Marcos, how's it going, man?"
"Getting rusty, Nicky. Got no one to speak Spanish with over in Vegas?"
Chapter 1 here
Chapter 2 here
Chapter 3 here
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